Chp 29. The Past

29.THE PAST

Huang Jin led them to the spring. She had had a quick conversation with Chang Su and Nie Huaisang letting them know what she was about to do. Ok, it hadn't been quick.

Nie Huaisang had at first told her that, "there was absolutely no way he would allow this," and "I absolutely forbid it." But after a long talk and much arguing, Huang Jin had made it clear that either she tried this, or she would leave Huaisang to never return, and she would ultimately find another way, with or without his permission. A much more dangerous way that would most likely lead to her death anyway.

Nie Huaisang had finally caved in knowing that no matter his reservations, she really would keep her word and leave forever.

Chang Su had sat relatively quiet throughout the conversation, annoyance clearly on his face. His only response was to wish her luck before she had left. If he had said more he wouldn't have been able to stop and probably would have said something he would have regretted later.

They had hastily left, and none of them said anything on the way to the spring. Lan Wangji followed Wei Wuxian closely, his hands were white knuckled on the sheath of his sword, his eyebrows scrunched in frustration.

Huang Jin could tell that he was torn on this. To be truly honest so was she.

"Huang Jin?"

Wei Wuxian tapped her on the shoulder, and she hadn't even realized that they had made it to the base of the beautiful spring.

"Oh. I-I am sorry. I got distracted." Huang Jin smiled reassuringly at him.

Lan Wangji's eyebrows knitted together even further. If that was even possible at this point.

Wei Wuxian made his way over to the lip of the small pool and sat down, crossing his legs, and settling into a comfortable position. Lan Wangji stuck close to him and ended up against a wall, trying to stay out of the way but still close enough if he was needed. He was untrained in this type of thing and all he could do was offer physical aide if needed. He held the Chenqing in his hand, ready to ring a small bell that had been placed on the end.

They both stared intently at Huang Jin who was nervously shuffling her feet, while her own hand tightened and untightened on the hilt of her sword. She looked at Wei Wuxian's determined face and couldn't help but relax a little.

He looked utterly ready to do this, he would risk his life for hers in this moment, without a second thought. What a beautiful person he was truly inside and out. If this worked, she would owe him everything.

Alright let's do this.

Huang Jin sat down in front of him and held out her hands. Her hazel eyes locking with Wei Wuxian's.

"You ready?" He asked a reassuring smile on his lips.

Huang Jin breathed in deeply. In, then out, and nodded her head, reaching for his and locking her hands around his wrist and him doing the same to hers.

Wei Wuxian nodded back, and the last thing she heard was his soft voice, echoing through her ear drums, she never saw his lips move yet she clearly heard him. "Focus." A split second later her mind seemed to melt, as he activated something in her brain.

Fog, all she saw was a thick swirling fog of memories. Hundreds of voices ringing through her ears, like an ocean of noise, running through her brain. She was lost in the overwhelming tide of it all. Her mind tried to make sense of the images and sounds, but they were so many, they all blurred as one.

"Focus." The echoing word in her mind was the only beacon of hope. It was just a tiny whisper in the sea of noise, but it was what she knew she must focus on. The more she did, the louder it became, the fog of images clearing. She could hear his disembodied voice all around her. Focus, focus on what we need to see. You've got this.

All at once, like a blurry image suddenly coming into focus, her consciousness slammed into a memory of her distant past.

Huang Jin looked upon the docks of the Yunmeng Jiang sect. The docks of Lotus Pier were instantly recognizable to both her and Wei Wuxian. The bustling docks of Lotus Pier were typically lined with makeshift stalls, with many locals selling their wares, but at night, it was nothing but cleared wooden carts, and stacked wooden crates ready to be used the next day.

It was snowing. A light dusting of snow had accumulated on the wooden boards, a young girl maybe 4 or 5 was dancing and humming a tune to herself as she twirled around the docks Her small feet leaving trails of footprints in the snow. Her eyes were closed, her face pointed towards the sky as she tried to catch little snowflakes on her tongue. It seemed like she didn't have a care in the world.

"Hey why are you dancing like that Huang Jin?" A young boy with messy long black hair about the same age as her, poked his head out from behind a stack of wooden boxes, sticking his tongue out at her teasingly.

The young Huang Jin stopped spinning immediately and she turned to face the young boy, a fierce scowl on her cherubic face.

It was a toddlers game Huang Jin could tell, yet what should have been a beautifully innocent and perfect scene made her heart ache. Especially when she saw how young she was, and the state of her clothes and body. It was obvious both children were orphaned. Their cheek bones stark on their dirt covered features, their clothes torn, tattered, and dirty. They had just enough clothing to protect them from the harsh elements.

The two began to chase each other through the falling snow and the memory began to waver as the feeling in her chest overwhelmed her.

The horrid feeling of hunger she would feel as she slowly wasted away on the streets. She felt the cold and bitter nights sting along her skin. The countless nights she spent trying to just find shelter, and stay warm, but ending up sleeping on the cold hard ground, under the cover of only the stars above, and the harsh elements. The memories flooded her senses.

Wei Wuxian felt everything that she felt, and his heart broke for her. He had recognized the little boy as well. It had been him after all. He had completely forgotten about her, and as they both rode the mental rollercoaster of images from Huang Jin's past, he vaguely had an idea of what happened next.

He had remembered their friendship being brief. He had been adopted by the Yunmeng Jiang clan shortly after and hadn't seen her at all after. He had mourned her. Man, he felt suddenly even more terrible for forgetting about her.

But those eyes of hers were unmistakably the same as the little girl he had remembered.

Huang Jin tried to focus on anything but the piteous voices in her head. Don't ruin these memories for me. Please.

As she looked at the young boy, she could feel the connection between him and the adult Wei Wuxian. Of course she would have made friends with the young Yiling Laozu.

The image before them began to clear again, this time settling on an unknown place.

It was a dungeon. The room was dark, and dank, and it smelled of the deep earth. It was lit by a torch coming through bright red metal bars set in deep stone.

She had no memory of this place, yet her mind reeled in panic, her brain sending off all sorts of warning bells, her gut was wrenching in pain. She couldn't take her eyes off the small girl kneeling on the floor, her dark hair a tangled long matted mess, the torn robes hanging off her like skin, and her bones jutted out on top of loose skin.

She looked no more than 13 or 14.

Huge manacles that looked like they were completely overkill, were shackled onto the tiny wrists they contained, and held her arms to the floor beside her.

Shining gold eyes seemed to glow from behind the matted hair, and cast a golden glow on the floor.

As she stared at the shackled form in front of her, all Huang Jin could feel was the icy grip of terror on her heart. She felt like she was dying from the inside. Despair, hate, anger, loathing, pain. It was all she could feel. As she looked at that little girl bound to the floor of the dungeon cell she felt everything click.

In a rush of memories, she saw herself at the doors of the lower branch of the Jiang Meng sect. She was no more than 12 or 13, and being turned away for the millionth time. She remembered a man in a red and black cloak that was nice and gave her food. She remembered waking days later trapped, and transported to a place with a dark grey sky that never seemed to turn to day. She remembered being in pain.

All she could feel, in that moment, was pain. It was all she could feel, all she could think of.

Blood ran in rivulets down both of the cultivators faces as they were locked in Empathy. Lan Wangji sat next to them, both locked in a battle of wills.

He continued to play his faithful guqin focusing his spiritual power into each note to try and aid either of them. He watched as their hands were gripped so tightly between each other they dug divots into each other's skin and both of them were bleeding out of their Qi points. The swirling dark fog was beginning to spread like ooze out of her skin and envelope her in a misty dark fog.

"FOCUS!" Lan Wangji urged, trying not to panic.

His voice was a distant echo in Wei Wuxian's mind. He was swirling in the drowning wave of overwhelming emotions. He needed to do something quick. But what?

Huang Jin. You are not alone, he thought to himself. You get through this…you live.

Huang Jin could feel tears streaming down her face. She made to wipe them away, but her hands didn't move. All she could see was the image swirling, and refocusing, as if it was actually reacting to her movement. The torrent of pain and emotion, overwhelming her again.

As the image focused once more they were in a different underground room, lit by torches everywhere.

There were several Wen cultivators surrounding a teenage girl shackled to a large slab of rock, The same intricately carved manacles from before held her steadfast to the stone.

Huang Jin stared in shock as she looked upon the girl. Her eyes were rolled into the back of her skull and her mouth lay slack. She was barely clothed in blood-soaked strips of cloth.

Wen Ruohan stood front and center, a shard of the Yin Iron floating above the teenage girls' form.

Wei Wuxian's stomach almost lost it, as his mind tried to make sense of what he was seeing, and process the overwhelming emotions he was sharing with Huang Jin.

Wen Ruohan was chanting above her an indecipherable jumble of words, the yin iron shard was reacting, spinning faster, than slowing down at random intervals. A small fine line of powder was winding its way off the shard and floating down in an unseen wind to the still form below.

Wen Ruohan's arms flew open wide, and the small stream of yin iron dust shot from the shard straight into the still teenage girls' body. It pierced her skin all over.

The scream that erupted from the girls mouth was deafening and reverberated around the room.

If Huang Jin had actually been standing in real life, she would have fallen to the ground in a heap. She felt like her body had erupted in pure fire, pain lit up every nerve ending in her body. She had felt this before, obviously, it was a wonder how she had ever survived it.

The small form on the altar was straining at the shackles and there was a golden glow coming from her skin. Huang Jin knew what it was the moment she saw it. It was the tattoo on her skin. This fucking monster had imbedded the yin iron in her skin like ink and it was reacting with her core.

The intricate and meaningless swirls seemed to glow under her skin, and the blood that flowed from the hundreds of tiny piercings where the yin iron entered her skin, was pooling around her body. There was a sheen of sweat on her skin, and as pain morphed her teenage features.

It took everything in Huang Jin, to try and keep the microscopic hold she had on reality. She wasn't the only one here, reliving all of this.

As her adult-self looked at the broken and battered form of her teenage self, she knew at that moment, she had wished for death. Her normally bright glowing hazel eyes were like hollow pits. She barely had no spark of life left in her. All she wanted was to not feel anything. The image was getting darker and darker. The fog returned, and the image swirled and faded. The once clear image now an empty pit of darkness.

She felt nothing. Perfect. The pain that was just burning through her body was gone. Only the cold grip of death was upon her, and she welcomed it with open arms. Finally. She could be at peace.

No. This wasn't right. What was next?

Out of the darkness a tiny blip of an image seemed to float into her vision. Her mind full on panicked as it sent out a constant warning signal the back of the hair rising on her neck. All at once the vision cleared and all she wanted to do was run as she recognized her nightmare had come to life before her eyes.

It was the nightmare she had been running from her whole life. She knew the scenery immediately. The rocky crags of that nightless city. The fiery surroundings seemed to have an endless chasm of heat and magma.

She had been trapped there for years. Beaten, starved, chained like an animal and locked away. Every once in a while, Wen Ruohan would order her to be brought out to the amusement of many cultivators, and made to show off what power she had.

When she saw herself being dragged out by all fours, she felt her heart shatter to a million pieces again. She knew what would come next. Death. Not hers. But the many that were drug out next to her. They were captives from other clans that were offered up to her as bait. They were just innocent lives being sacrificed for the sick amusement of others.

"Kill them! Kill them all!" Wen Ruohan's voice echoed through the area from atop his throne on the steps of Nightless city. His eyes were glowing an evil red as he urged the young Huang Jin, spittle dripping from his crazed mouth.

Wen Ruohan screamed in rage, and sent a shattering rush of energy through the area, only amplified by the yin iron he controlled. It hit the young Huang Jin and her body jolted awake, her head shooting backwards, and her eyes flew open in pain.

The yin iron in her veins activated and a roiling title wave of dark black energy washed outwards and instantly killed the cultivators around her. They dropped where they had once stood, their faces fixed in a state of shock and pain. It had eaten through them in a pure wave of energy sucking the very life out them in an instant.

The young Huang Jin collapsed to the ground, her body slumped onto one knee, tears of blood running down her face.

Sorrow racked through her. How many times had she been forced to kill all those people? How many innocent lives had she taken?

It took everything in Lan Wangji not to wrench apart the hands of the two sitting before him. Waves of black fog were now streaming around both of them. The once calm pool of water next to them was blowing in an unseen force of energy flowing off the two cultivators. He dared not stop playing his guqin, but he couldn't let this keep going. He quickly reached for Wei Ying's flute beside him and began to earnestly ring the bell attached to it.

"Wei Ying! Huang Jin! Wake up!"

Huang Jin and Wei Wuxian were wrapped in the constant flow of sorrow and endless guilt that she felt at that instant. How could she live with herself? How could she have done this? Why hadn't she just died?

The young broken form below stirred. When she looked up at the laughing maniacal face of Wen Ruohan, she remembered the tiny flash of terror that crossed his face as he watched the girl's eyes begin to burn a bright glowing red and a dark mist began to curl around her in a wave. It looked like she was controlling it. Each time the young Huang Jin moved the tidal wave of energy moved with her.

She had never been able to do that before…before that night…or any night after.

Her stomach sank as she watched as hundreds of Wen cultivators surrounded her. This was why she couldn't remember anything…she would escape tonight…but in doing so she would kill hundreds. It had paved the way to create the vast army of puppets Wen Ruohan had used to almost wipe out all the clans.

The image before her swirled, and an annoying tinkling sound, like the annoying buzz of a gnat, seemed to be just in her earshot.

Flashes of images, bodies, more bodies. That night was a blur in her mind. She felt the anger overwhelm her once more, hundreds of cries and screams, hot blood splattering her face. The cries of the guilty and innocent flashes of faces. Then the feel of earth on her toes, the burning stench of death that had been her life for years, replaced by cool fresh air. Trees. Then all at once the darkness returned, her vision going black once more, the endless cries and voices in her mind gone all at once.

Even that stupid bell was a distant echo in the recesses of her mind.

How could she return knowing all of this. Who would ever understand? She didn't deserve to be alive. What was there even to live for? All her life had ever been was one of suffering…

No. That's not true. A tiny whisper in her mind, spoke through the darkness.

The sound of the bell echoed through her mind. Ring-ring.

It was a pair of piercing grey eyes. Wei Wuxian's smile. Lan Wangji's colored ear tips. Ring-Ring. Jin Ling and Sizihui teasing each other. Ring-Ring.The Gusu robe she had been given. Chang Su berating her for something and her laughing it off. Her and Nie Huaisang giggling drunkenly in the hot springs back in Qiesang. Ring-Ring. The feel of those perfect lips on hers.

There was so much more left to do. Ring-Ring. Ring-Ring. Ring-Ring. Ring-Ring.

That stupid fucking bell! It was all she could focus on! It was deafening in her ears now.

She tried to whack at it with her hand, and she felt her mind slam back into her own consciousness. Her real hand swatted at the bell ringing next to her head and sent it flying from Lan Wangji's hand, and sputtered into the small pool in a splash of water.

Wei Wuxian was still gripping one of her hands in his. Blood dripping from large scratches they had each given each other. His skin was pale and a sheen of sweat covered his skin. She was no better for wear.

They both could barely sit up. Lan Wangji looked like he had also turned into a sheet white ghost. Worry was written clearly across his features, sweat beading down his forehead.

"Wei Ying? Wei Ying? Are you alright?" he asked as he gingerly placed his hand on his partners shoulder. "Wei Ying?"

Wei Wuxian looked like he was still in a daze, but nodded his head in response. "Lan Zhan I am fine. I just really need a nap. That was…intense." He wiped the blood dripping down his nose and mouth with the back of his sleeve.

Huang Jin didn't look up for some time.

Shame, guilt, all of those feelings were still rousing around her head as she sat like a stone at the base of the pond. Both men stared at her in concern. She couldn't imagine what Wei Wuxian was thinking. He had seen everything. He had felt everything she had. Somehow, they had both made it through without one of them losing their minds.

"Huang Jin…" Lan Wangji had his hand on her shoulder and she could feel his intense gaze on her.

"I-I'm ok. Really, I just, need a second." She heard herself say, but still couldn't bring herself to look anywhere but at her shaking hands.

What does this mean? What did all of this mean? As she looked at the tattooed lines on her skin, her heart ached like it had when she had seen the young innocent child dancing in the streets.

Why had the Wen clan done this to her? What was she going to do now? Wei Wuxian knew that she had the yin iron in her veins. That she was slowly losing control of it and that of all the cultivators in the world he alone knew how to and that he could control and use it to control her. Oh Huang Jin what are you going to do?

"Huang Jin." Wei Wuxian's shaky voice caught her attention immediately, a weak smile on his lips. "Your secret is safe with me. But take this advice. Speaking as someone who tried to hide his secrets, it will only cause you, and the people you care about, more pain in the end if you don't say anything, and if you don't ask for help." Her eyes slowly lifted up, meeting his gaze. Tears sprang from her eyes, and she practically collapsed forward, her arms wrapping around his neck. Great sobs racked her small form.

Wei Wuxian didn't know what to do at first, and Lan Wangji jolted forward, moving to protect Wei Wuxian. However, he stopped immediately when he saw there was no danger. Wei Wuxian soon relaxed and wrapped his arms around her softly and hugged her back. He gently stroked her hair as she continued to release the overwhelming emotions that had flooded her system.

Silent tears streamed down his cheeks, and as he stared at the bewildered Lan Zhan, he mouthed "I will fill you in later. I am sorry I scared you."

Lan Wangji relaxed immediately, his grip on his sword remained tight. Worry still written across his face. He had no idea what had happened while they had been inside each other's heads, and could only watch, as they both had started to bleed from their qi points, and the resentful energy seemed to take over. Thank god that bell had worked.

Slowly, Huang Jin's labored breathing and sobs began to subside, and she suddenly pulled away.

She sucked in a large breath and wiped her eyes with the back of her robes, making every attempt to not meet either of their gazes. "I-I am sorry again. I hate crying. I don't know why I did that. I usually kill everyone that makes me cry."

Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji tensed visibly.

She smiled to herself as she felt them tense and saw their microscopic movement backwards. "It. It was just a joke guys. Calm down." When she looked up, her eyes were bloodshot, her face was smeared with traces of blood from earlier, and the loose trails of hairs around her face were clinging to her damp skin.

She looked like she had been run over by a drove of oxen….twice…

Wei Wuxian doubled over laughing at the sight of her, and the horribly timed joke. The nervous tension in the air vanished like steam escaping a pot.

Lan Wangji could only stare between the two in utter bewilderment. These two were going to kill him one day, just from the stress alone...