Chapter 15: Jill X Esther

Jill nearly exhausted herself and the rest of her team to death. First by trying to get far enough outside Chicago that they could make an escape by motor vehicle, and second by actually finding usable motor vehicles to let them escape in the first place. The recent snowfall particularly didn't help matters. Jill was relieved they had all made a point of packing appropriately for the weather given the intense snowscape. Proper gear alone wasn't enough. Every so often they had to make an uncouth threat toward an unfortunate bystander. But by hook or crook Jill did eventually get to the cemetery in Burlington Junction near the southeast Iowa border. And as expected, Esther had a disappointed look on her face, tapping her wristwatch, waiting for her.

"Look," said Jill wearily. "I know what this looks like, I know I always seem so irresponsible, but I'm serious. I tried to leave early. Things got really out of control. I needed to help people and-"

Jill could barely stand to watch Esther just standing by the grave, judging her, sighing. It really did frustrate Jill sometimes, just how perfect Esther was, how nothing Jill could ever do would compare with Esther's hypercompetence. Nevertheless, Jill had to try.

"Come on," said Jill, opening her arms. "It's been forever. I don't want to fight. I want a hug from my big sister."

Esther had an annoyed expression all the while, but in the end she could never resist the entreaties of her little sister. They embraced over the graves of their parents. It was sunset, and Jill should have been there hours ago, but Jill knew that deep down Esther appreciated that Jill made the effort at all. This was the first time they had seen each other in years. Too many battles to fight ever since.

"It's fine, really," said Esther. "There were other people around. I don't exactly like having to explain who you are."

It was a problem they had dealt with their whole lives, although really, it being a problem at all was a matter of perspective. If Jill had been dark-skinned like Esther, it would have been that much more difficult to provide her with a semblance of a normal life. Esther had explained as much to Jill multiple times. It was why Jill had taken their mother's maiden name. Jill still remembered all the times she pouted and fumed when she understood that. Jill wanted Esther's name, but Esther was adamant. People would see Jill Okerye on a resume and they would make assumptions. Their family already had enough problems without having to deal with that. Their mother was a drug addict and Esther, at only eight years Jill's senior, was not in a particularly strong position to provide Jill with the hereditary support that their mother could not. Besides that the Uncles agreed, unsurprisingly.

"I don't know why you always talk like that," said Jill. "I'm proud to call you my sister."

"Yeah yeah I know," said Esther, rolling her eyes.

Jill hugged Esther harder, glowing internally. Yet at the same time Jill sniffed through her nose aggressively, pursing her lips. Jill didn't like it when Esther talked like that, as if Jill were some dumb kid. But Jill did her best to avoid taking offense where none was intended.

"I am not ashamed of you or Dad and I never, ever will be," said Jill, still hugging. "You're the coolest person I know in the whole world."

"You really shouldn't call him that," said Esther, staring at the grave away from her sister. "He's not your dad. He was barely even my dad."

"Tell me the story."

"Huh?"

"I love that story. You know, the one about how mom and dad met."

"Jill," said Esther, sighing. "I think you're confusing me with mom again. She's the one who likes telling the story. I hate that story. You don't know what it was like growing up like that. It wasn't at all romantic fun."

"But he was the dashing prince from across the ocean," said Jill, swooning, separating from Esther's embrace and doing a little curtsy. "And then they met at college, and fell in love."

"He wasn't really a prince."

"Then where did he get the start-up capital?"

Jill knew she had Esther with that one. For years Esther had tried to investigate the source of their father's income. An Internet scam was the one Esther always defaulted to but there just wasn't any real evidence for it. Their father was surprisingly incapable with computers. He needed remedial classes. No matter how they tried to look at it their mother's story was the only one that made much sense- he made a killing at local real estate, only to lose it all when the Great Recession hit because his company was one of the few of a handful to be prosecuted for fraud.

"I'm really just not a fan of royalty in general," said Esther, deflecting, kicking away some snow. "If he was a prince, does that make us princesses?"

"Yeah!" said Jill, twirling around. "Pretty princesses!"

This was what Jill enjoyed about being around Esther. Most of the time Jill always had to be so serious, for the sake of her men and all. But around Esther, Esther herself was always the serious one, with a grumpy look on her face while Jill could be as silly as she wanted.

"You want to take a walk?" said Esther. "I'm kind of sick of standing here."

"Sure!" said Jill, grabbing Esther's hand and dragging Esther along. "So what have you been up to lately? Smiting evildoers?"

"Oh, not as much as I'd like," said Esther, almost wistfully. "Just training lately. I heard rumblings of something going down in Chicago. I had to ask for time off. Still surprised I got it. I have a bad feeling about what's happening up there."

Jill was very quiet, not daring to give any hint that she had any idea what was going on in Chicago. Jill and Esther didn't talk much but when they did talk, Jill always had to assure Esther that she wasn't doing anything dangerous.

"You worry too much," said Jill, trying to force a smile as she squeezed Esther's arm tighter. "Everything's going to be fine."

"How long have you had such a strong grip?" asked Esther suspiciously, eyeing Jill's toned arms. "Where was it you said you were working again?"

"The census bureau," said Jill, trying to be inconspicuous. "Lifting uh, heavy boxes mostly."

For about a decade at this point Jill had been telling Esther an overly elaborate lie about what she was actually doing with her life. Following past unfortunate events, Esther had made Jill promise not to let herself get involved with anything particularly violent. Jill, for her part, had made Esther promise to keep herself safe- a much vaguer promise along the same lines, and Jill figured that she was entitled to the same. It helped that Iowa, for being their home state, was not a place Esther considered to be all that interesting these days.

But the other helpful factor was that Jill and Esther never really had all that much to talk about. For them the platonic ideal of sisterly reverie was just spending a wintry Christmas morning together walking through a light snowy graveyard. Talking was only ever an invitation to trouble. The graveyard was an agreeable meeting place because it kept their relationship fully anchored in the past, where it belonged.

"Hey..." said Jill, suddenly remembering a gap in her cover story. "How often did you come to see mom?"

"Not often," said Esther. "Not my favorite person to be around."

"Hey!" said Jill, suddenly stopping. "How can you talk about your own mother like that! On Christmas!"

"Look," said Esther, patiently, looking Jill in the eye. "I'm grateful that you had a happy childhood. I really am. But I never got to have one. I was fending for myself right away. Dad killed himself before I was even-"

"Don't talk about him like that!" snapped Jill. "You know that's not true! The racists did it!"

"Jill," said Esther, again with an exhausted, parental sigh. "We're too old for this. I've been over the investigation notes more times than I count. There were no suspects. The only fingerprints on the equipment were his own, in places that only made sense if he was handling it himself. The racial slur was scratched into his cheek backwards. He'd just taken out a big insurance policy after losing everything. It was a scam. A very stupid, easily discovered scam. Which is why I really don't like it when you buy into mom's story that he was a prince."

"You didn't know him either so what do you care?" said Jill. "Why can't you trust her?"

"I had to get her tubes tied after she had you!" Esther shouted back. "Do you understand just how much worse our lives got because she couldn't cope? Do you have any idea how much growing up I had to do? If it weren't for you I would have just left her to die in the street! That might be why she had you in the first place!"

Jill was taken aback. This was always something that startled her about Esther. Most of the time she was as loving and sensible and calm as a person could be. But then just like this, completely out of nowhere, she could suddenly turn vicious and not even the slightest bit sentimental. Jill started to feel her eyes water.

"Oh no," said Esther. "No no no. I'm sorry, come on-"

Jill pushed Esther away and turned around. She didn't want Esther to see her crying.

"Why does it always have to be like this?" asked Jill. "Why can't you just be optimistic sometimes? Why do you always have to be right?"

"Jill, I haven't had that luxury," said Esther. "Not ever. I learned when I was a little that my choices were that I could be optimistic or I could be right. I'm glad it worked out for us, but in the end, you have to understand that we were just lucky."

"I think we make our own luck," said Jill.

"Maybe so," said Esther. "But you really don't know what it's like to be me. I just wish you'd let me protect you."

"That's not what I wanted," said Jill. "I wanted to be like you. I wanted to make my own way in the world."

"You're better off being safe, believe me," said Esther, staring off into the snowy distance. "Look, I know you think I'm harsh sometimes. I've thought about it. Honestly I have. What it would take for you to understand my world, what it would take for you to understand what I have to do every day. You wouldn't like it. You'd hate it. You'd hate me. But..."

Esther slowly breathed out. She took Jill by hand as gently as possible. Esther placed Jill's hand over her heart, and Jill closed her eyes, breathing in tune with Esther's heartbeat.

"I'd do anything to save you Jill," said Esther. "I mean that. Just don't push me, please. I don't know if your heart could take being like me."

Jill embraced the moment. How long had it been, since the last time Esther had spoken to her like this? Jill was touched. She didn't want this moment to end. But end it did, with a sudden violent beeping noise. Jill opened her eyes, baffled and annoyed by the interruption.

"What the...?" Jill said. "A cell phone? Out here?"

"It's an emergency satellite line," said Esther. "Hold on"

Esther walked off to the side and started talking into the phone. Jill looked after her and realized in her heart what was going to happen. Of course. Jill had just ditched the Social Justice Army back there. It wasn't on purpose but Jill still felt awful about it. Jill also felt awful about how she really wanted to ask Esther if she knew that cute guy who wiped out the tank with the laser sword, but dared not admit to Esther just how far her elder sister had been deceived about Jill's sleepy life in boring old Iowa.

"So," said Esther, coming back. "Looks like I gotta go."

"Yeah, OK," said Jill, giving Esther a big hug. "Just stay safe. Please."

Jill could feel Esther's muscles tighten, a physical sign that she was not happy with how this reunion ended, like so many of their others. But Jill knew that, just like every other time, Esther had to go. Esther had enough responsibilities. Jill was a grown woman who could take care of herself. And maybe, if only a little bit, and in secret, lighten the burden Esther labored under.