X

I'm tired.

I'm really, really tired.

Now, you may think it's because of my job as a receptionist, but that's definitely not it.

Because I don't work there anymore.

So, a couple days after I got my job back, one of the hotel's owners told me the next two weeks I had to work from Tuesday to Sunday, and from Monday to Saturday, meaning I had to be there 12 days in a row and I was ok with it; I got my job back, after all, and it wasn't that hard, so it didn't really matter the schedule.

But as time passed by, I started to feel anxious about my future. What was going to happen when those two weeks ended? Would I keep working there? Or would I be fired again? Also, my paycheck wasn't amazing—I was just a receptionist, it's understandable, but—there didn't seem to be any growth opportunities there, so was I supposed to be there forever doing the exact same thing over and over again?

Anyway, at the end of the second week, one of the owners came to the hotel—they hadn't show up during the two weeks—and during the whole day I was thinking about asking him if I was going to keep going to work next week. Would they fire me again, like they were obviouly planning or would they change their minds?

And they kinda did. At the last end of my shift I threw them a calculated "see you on Monday" to them, and they seemed totally fine with it. At the time I thought I was officially hired or something.

But next Wednesday one of the owners told me I was just gonna be there for the rest of the week, and then gave me the same excuses as always: "I should look for something better," "you're too smart to be just a receptionist," "you can start your own business if you want. Your family can help you out."

I was devastated by the news, so I didn't even reply, but that night I texted both of them. I basically told them I appreciated their concern and I would do my best to find a better job, but they obviously needed a receptionist and I really needed a job. That last time I was unemployed I was really depressed and frustrated, so I asked them if I could still work there while I looked for a better job. A win-win situation.

They left me on seen.

So, at the end of the third week I used the same strategy as last time. I started with the calculated "see you on Monday," and they, again, seemed fine with it.

But when I came to work on Monday, one of the owners told me the hotel was struggling financially—which, to be fair, was kinda true: I knew exactly how much the hotel was earning, and it wasn't much if you consider the hotel's expenses—and they couldn't afford having me anymore—which, to be fair, was kinda true: the other employees there were that girl I talked you about (more about her later) and one of the owner's nephews, so they obviously wouldn't fire him, and that girl was the only one doing the housekeeping, so getting rid of me was the obvious choice.

He asked me to wait two weeks in hope the hotel's situation would get better.

That was total bs, and I knew it.

But I still gave him the biggest smile I could, told him: "sure, no problem" and left.

And the moment I was leaving I realized the "help wanted" ad they had on the front door was still there.

And it stood there for the next two weeks.

They only wanted to get rid of me.

But I'm not mad at them. I'm just tired, so tired that on the couple job interviews I had in these last weeks, I'd really hoped to fail, so I didn't have to waste most part of my day doing something I'll end up hating, surrounded by people I'll end up hating too, and getting so stressed and anxious I'd simply stop caring.

It'd be a xxxxxxx situation again.

But everytime I got back home I'd feel sad and useless and anxious and tired and why am I like this? Why can't I have a regular job like everyone else? Why I'm so stressed out all the time? How am I supposed to have a job that gives me finantial stability if I break down under the slightest amount of stress? Why am I so fucking fragile?

For fuck's sake I can'teven be a receptionist for more than three weeks straight.

Anyway, I have applied for entry jobs that contemplate my college degree but 1) they always require experience I don't have, and 2) they always require knowledge in programs or methodologies or whatever I didn't know they existed in the first place.

It seems I learned nothing in college. And, I know, I can learn now; I have time and all.

But the thing is I'm tired, and I don't really care about learning new stuff.

Truth is I'm not really passionate about anything anymore. Not even books. I can't really handle novels anymore; they just seem to me like a bunch of needless and pretentious bs.

Anyway, I feel I'm getting emptier by the second, like I'm just going forward because I have no other choice.

But, hey, not everything's so bad. I asked that girl from the hotel out and she said yes. She gave me her number, and we've been texting ever since.

But the bad news are that she's too busy to go out with me for now—and, I know, maybe that means she doesn't really want to go out with me, but she also tells me she has english classes after work and she has to help her family out with some stuff, and she didn't hesitate or anything when I asked her out, but she didn't seem really happy either, but maybe that was because one of the owners was kinda there and it wasn't the best time to ask her out, but I did it because she's inside the hotel most of the time, and I don't have any reason to get in there, especially when the owners could be there, so founding her outside that time was an opportinuty I couldn't leave behind.

And her texts are colder and less frequent every time.

I guess she wants me to go visit her or something.

But I'm tired.

Also, because I don't care that much about books anymore, I started selling them online. I use my country's equivalent to ebay, and it has been great, I mean, right now I'm earning more money here than at the hotel—for now—and it's really helping me to distract myself from my own failures, and from the fact my decision to become a hikikomori got me so far behind to everyone else—the simple fact there are a lot of people around my age who are incredibly successful kills me.

But in the last few days it seems my happiness solely depends on whether I sold something or not that day, and if I haven't by, I don't know, 4 or 5 pm I just start feeling tired, and when I'm feeling that way I lay on my bed and start thinking about everything.

I came to the obvious conclusion I really need to go to theraphy, but I'm afraid of how much it'll cost because even though I'm making an ok amount of money right now, it won't be that way forever; I don't have infinite stuff to sell and, technically speaking, I'm not making any money, I'm just recovering part of the investment I made when I bought all that stuff.

My business model is no good at all.

But I can make it good, I can look for suppliers and business opportunities and products I can sell online with real earnings.

But, again, I'm tired.

And, again, I don't feel passionate about anything anymore. I don't think a job that I would enjoy exist.

Even if someone decides to pay me to write stuff, then writing would become a meaningless chore, and I would be afraid that I'm not good enough, so I would be constantly pressuring myself to write better and better and better, and that would end like my job with xxxxxxx.

I don't understand how everyone else can do it. To be honest, I honestly think people who talk about dream jobs are just fooling themselves, like I did when I started my college years. They don't love their jobs, they just are fine with them, they prefer those jobs than the rest.

I might be wrong, though, but the point is I'm really unable to understand them.

The fact someone could be happy doing one thing for the rest of his/her/their life is unfathomable to me.