Die Or Kill

"Every day you give away a piece of yourself until nothing is left and that's how you become a ghost."

*

As I stood next to Pars in the middle of town, my heart was beating so fast that I could feel my heart in my throat. The creatures I saw both made me sick and scared me to death. Actually, I knew what I had to do, escape from here as fast as I could and secure myself, but Pars' heavy presence next to me was more frightening than the creatures. I couldn't escape even if I wanted to, I had to think before I took a single step.

As Pars and the others started to walk towards the direction of the creatures, I continued to walk with uneasy steps. Evil and dangerous-looking monsters, who were obviously mindless, were stomping and growling on their spots. They seemed very eager to attack us and tear our flesh apart, but no one in the group seemed bothered by this except me.

I thought I saw a few people as our bodies got closer to the creatures, but I was wrong. The people I saw were not human. The vampires grinned, baring their fangs, and their red eyes glowed uncomfortably. Among the creatures were wolves, dogs, bears, and most wild animals imaginable. They should have been shapeshifters. They were so crowded that I didn't know how to beat them. I hope Pars knew this or we would all die here.

When the steps of the group stopped and we were only a few meters away from the creatures, the smell of tension filled my nose. My heart was beating like crazy and my lungs felt like they were going to explode.

I couldn't hide my surprise anymore when a werewolf appeared behind the vampires who were grinning at us. From what I learned in the lessons at the academy, werewolves were killed by the Soldiers because they were very dangerous and unpredictable, but there was another way to turn into a werewolf: Whoever killed any of the holy white wolves was irrevocably cursed to become a werewolf, but because no one in the country wanted to be a werewolf forever, the cursed werewolf conversions were rare.

But there were exceptions: Some accidentally became werewolves because they killed them without knowing the curse. Some accidentally killed it while hunting. Some had to. Some willingly. How did this werewolf end up like this?

Even the snarling monsters fell silent as the werewolf, standing tall, hairy, and muscular, extended its claw towards Pars. "Here is our man, the Creatures of Darkness! That arrogant, mighty Soldier who ruthlessly crushes anything that stands in his way! Pars Sarehan." He knew Pars. But how? When I looked at Pars's face, I expected him to be surprised or angry, but all I saw was apathy.

"You're always making things lively for me, I came to do the trick." He took a deep breath. "Be assured that I will kill you with my own hands." I met his eyes for a moment as the werewolf's eyes narrowed in mockery. He studied my face.

"The only people in Lighdark who have decent money are those in the main and other headquarters. Did you know that, the new Weapon? Did you know that while living a comfortable life in the academy, you were actually preparing for your inevitable death?" I frowned. This wasn't the first time I'd heard of it, and even the dumbest person could understand that we're trained to die.

"I knew," I said without embarrassment, but the werewolf was pissed off at my answer.

"Do you think we are plundering the town because of our own pleasure? In this city, we were never given what we deserve, we could not live like human beings. We wanted to leave the city, but we were not allowed. We asked the state for an opportunity for a more comfortable life, but no one helped us. All my friends felt sorry. And they couldn't stand the darkness and turned into creatures, but none of them came and helped us. We were left alone. We were all human before and all we wanted was a peaceful life." Pars was smiling lightly when his hateful eyes turned to Pars. "I became a werewolf because of this guy. He made me fight a holy wolf to get rid of me just because I wanted my rights. Tell me, the new Weapon. Would you choose to die or be killed in that situation?"

When a strong and cold wind blew, Zehera, who was already smelling like wind, started to smell like a storm. "I do not know," I said in a whisper. Pars raised his hand and placed it in front of me.

"You don't have to answer him." I looked at his hand and then his face. His smile had disappeared and he looked angry now. For a moment, the werewolf's question about dying or killing popped into my mind, and I stepped back, uneasy. Pars frowned and turned his head towards me.

"We're going to throw them in jail, aren't we? Please tell me for once what I want to hear. Please!" I regretted asking a question when Pars' eyes blazed with hatred on the question I had asked. He lifted my head into the air as he came up to me very quickly and grasped my cheeks with one hand.

"What do you think this city is? This is not a place where everyone can be happy and peaceful. Our world is not fair, Alenas. Either you die or you give up. There will be no miracles here. That freedom you long for will never be given to anyone unless it's needed. And you... You will never find peace by running away from what is going to happen." I could hardly contain myself from crying when he removed his hand from my face and pushed me away.

That's why I shouted. "You don't know how I feel! I can't kill anyone. Do you think I can kill someone when I think over and over every day if I'm really alive?" Pars yelled as Cassian extended his hand towards me.

"Don't touch her!" I was challenging him when Cassian's hand was in the air. His angry eyes turned to me as he left Cassian, and I saw a mockery in those eyes that I had never seen before. "Can't you kill anyone? Don't make me laugh!" Tears filled my eyes with fear as his last word made the bottoms of my feet tremble. Was he really that strong? His shoulders were tense as he turned his head back to the creatures. "There is no prison anywhere in this country, Alenas. Those who should be punished are killed. That's it."

I had a hard time comprehending what I was hearing. I wanted to deny it. Most of the time, even though I felt like I held the weight of the whole world, I did not make a sound because I learned at a young age that no matter how much I shouted, they would be deaf to my cries. I tried to breathe, my breath caught in my throat. The caught breath tore through my throat, leaving a shattered girl with no breath. I'm left with what I'm missing.

I can't take this anymore but I will. I have spent my whole life telling myself that this too shall pass. But I still couldn't manage to fix the fire inside me and everything that had disappeared.