Trying

I have spent the whole day trying not to text Val, I wouldn't want to send signals that I was on the way. It had to be a surprise. I had to catch whatever madness she's playing or maybe I was just paranoid.

They say facing death changes a person, maybe I was the person, not that I had come face to face with death, but whatever my head was going through, jumbled thoughts, maybe I'm just over thinking.

When I was young, all I ever wanted was to become a doctor and work in a laboratory, find cure to heal ailments but now sitting in this car,not sure what to do about her, the girl my heart swore to keep, maybe I wasn't the ideal doctor she'd wanted, tears welling up my eyes for no apparent reason and looking outside the window every now and then raised a question about how I would have handled being a doctor, for (a) I was too emotional and (b) people had serious sicknesses that I wasn't ready to cure. Maybe I wasn't built for being a doctor. That memory brings me to thinking of Val, should I just turn the car ang go?

I don't know what came over me that made me travel all the way down here, I had made up my mind in an instant. A bloody hard drive. I was a victim of making a series of bad decisions and I wasn't planning on making another one. Call it what you may but you have no idea how I feel. I don't know if I'm angry, sad or confused. Angry because I had driven all the way and not talk to her to find out why she wasn't calling back, on the other hand I was sad because I was on the verge of letting go the only girl that ever made it to my heart. The girl who kept me steady. I was simply confused.

So now I was on the road to losing her. Maybe I wasn't thinking straight. I was numbed by hurt. I was paralyzed, is like if I made a move I'd make a spectacular mistake. Val didn't know I was around. She was in the dark, it is not really my style to keep her in the shadows but I'm drowning in my own thoughts, gripped with fear, fearing for her frail heart. I was losing literally everything. She has always had my back. Why I'm I having these mad feelings?

***

Adjusting to completion. How soon I became tired and looked up at perfect cold night air, and wished I hadn't gone to find my pain, Val was my cure and my pain, but I was now gone back. Haha funny how I have to play like she has been wiped out of this planet, no questions asked. I have retreated, I moved out of the apartment because she was paying for it. Left the Jeep at the garage and locked shut the house till she came back to me. But now I had other pressing matters.

***

"Are you OK, need anything, water, coffee?" She was smiling like the angel of righteousness and offered me a seat. Today the sun was shining and so was her smile. Her smile let's her insult me and there was nothing I could do. She's the good girl.

"Coffee is fine" I said sinking in her couch, I cleared my throat staring at her. In my head I was telling myself I will stay away, she's an issue I'll have to adjust. She drives me wild. I will give up on her because I don't want to break heart, mine or Val's. Although the love we used to share is not the same. But with Charlotte is not love, maybe an infatuation.

There's is a piece of me that wants to be here with her.

She presently sinks in the same couch as I am.

"Feel at home" I felt something jump in my stomach, butterflies? The word "home" hit different coming from her. I was used to Val saying it.

"So where have you been hiding, I haven't seen you around of late, did you get married" She tried to humour me but my face was emotionless, but faked a laugh anyway.

"I'm doing great actually, how about you, what's going on in your mind?" my mouth spoke automatically, and she winked at the question. Was it making her feel like she wanted to be with me, I could feel her body fragrance, calming.

"Just thinking of what I would say to you, to make you not walk away from me, you just came and it already seems as if you are about to jump out of the door. Be comfortable, we have a ll the time in the world."

"I'm thankful." I said.

In my head I had questions boiling and I still had love for Val on the low, I love her but I got to let go. Maybe I'm one of the people who give up too easily. Or maybe I'm giving up on her because I already got someone.

" How long are you going to remain sad wondering when it's going to fade away?" These are the things that pull me closer to Charlotte, she always seem to know what to say. Is like she's sent from heaven.

"I'm adjusting, maybe I need you more often" I blurted rather quickly because she raised a brow questioningly but kept her eyes trained on my lips moving. If I die before my day is because this strange but charming girl took my breath away. I rest my case.

I was falling hard and uncontrollably into her. She got me arrested by her looks, bless her fiendish heart. I had dived too deep and there was no air, I loved this feeling. I don't want to go another day away from her. I got a good feeling this is what I wanted.

I had given up on Val and was on my way to the new domicile in this girl's heart, probably I will share her home now that I had exiled myself in our apartment. Sounds funny saying 'our' but I got used to it.

Don't worry about the things that Val might do or say, she isn't here anyway. Maybe all along I was a clown, pretending to be what I wasn't and I was done with the lies.

Whatever come may. I was on the threshold of pure love and affection, rather moved quickly but is not that easy to forget someone I had shared my bed with all those years. Trying to move on but I can't, is not that easy. Don't you know how hard it is for me to smile and move on. She is still my weakness and my strength, and one doesn't work without the other. But that was that, I was already erasing her from my blank head, and looking forward on what was to come.

Right now I had other pressing matters, to stay with Charlotte. Listen to her jokes about being alone most of the time and it hit me that I hadn't seen her with any friends coming over. She was always about music and exercising alone.

"Let's grab dinner tomorrow at the Blue Plate around the corner?" I winked weakly at her waiting for her reaction. She giggled and wrapped her around my neck and kissed my cheek. I took that as a yes and stood to leave. She grabbed me by the collar and pulled me to her and whispered in my ear.

" Why not today or is it a date?" I glanced at my watch and nodded, she was pleased and stood with me. She jumped to the bathroom and did quick washing and put on slight make up, she was beautiful in all aspects of her hair to her nails. I loved what I was seeing in front of my eyes.

" Shall we?" I motioned her out when I opened the door like the gentleman I was. It was just getting a little cold and darkness had just started creeping in. We walked into the evening air and strolled down the road, all the while I was staring down at this beautiful creature in the name of Charlotte, and I did my best to scare away thoughts of Val when they surface.

***

Lost without you and I can't help myself, how does it feel that I love you already? I was asking myself while looking at Charlotte. I had blocked my head from outside thoughts that tried sneaking in and spoil my quality time with her.