A thousand times over

My phone buzzed on the floor, glanced at it and threw it back, I had no time for do overs. Val's name popped up on my phone screen but felt disgust. I picked it up later and texted her back,

'I couldn't wait on you because I have options'

Ouch. I know the words stang her, but I didn't care so much, I just want her to crawl out of my ass.

'You broke me first, you could have told me you have feelings for someone else. I feel like I'm overexposed.' she added the reply.

'I wish I never met you, but it's a little too late, nothing hurts, you got your life now, live it how you want.' I felt agitated and wanted to punch her smug face and wipe that look on her face, pretending to be an angel of righteousness.

I needed her when I looked for her a while ago, and went on a wild goose chase for her. She and I, me and she, her and I, whose name I won't mention again because it tastes bitter with a burning sensation on my tongue, she was the one to save me but now it seems she's striped of her power and not a superhero. She can't save me. I was angry and wanted to burst my knuckles on the wall. I added another text and another and another, filled with pain and loss.

She took her time to actually read the long paragraphs. A part of me wanted me to stay because sometimes there is comfort in the panic. Weird energy.

Everything was so heavy and my mind wasn't the strongest to stop thinking of her. I don't like myself right now. I had to look for Muffin and stop this back and forth madness with Val. What was this that was still holding me back?

For all that's worth, she was valuable to me but she of course had to f*** things up. But I'm thankful for her time, it was fun while it lasted. In my head I still composed poems to let out this maddening pain that I single handedly brought to myself. I know playing Saint won't save me either, nor was blaming myself but I have no choice, now I had to face the consequences. But pain demands to be felt, so I let it break me down and stall my mind, my heart had stopped for a minute.

I was absent minded. I led her to my heart by just thinking of her. Damn, she of course had to come back and open up my healing scars and throttle my neck with these emotions. I wish I could reverse the time and unmeet and unmiss her. I wanted to write a long letter, everything that was true to us, I felt hurt tugging at my heart and closed my eyes, got off the floor, sat at my desk and started moving my pen. With every stroke, all my doubts and horrors melted in the notebook.

The girl that had once made forget how to breathe was now the same villain that had slain me in broad daylight. She was the one thing that I had faith in. She was my gospel but now I had lost all hope, the fear of being alone gripping me with her every thought, a part of me wanted her and an even larger part said NO in capital letters and spelt it to me everyday. My subconscious was committed to making sure I had no thoughts of her. Easier said than done. My day was slowly gliding and I hadn't set foot outside since yesterday and felt wasted, at least I had what I wanted.

In the last paragraph, a line I wrote,

"Now I don't feel guilty kissing other people, I'm moving on, you should too, and just so know I hope you don't find love. I hope you end up with a broken heart and all alone..."

I looked at the words and teared my eyes off them, I didn't know if I believed in them. I put on my shoes and got out. I had no idea where I was going, but I'd figure it out soon. My eyes heavy from sleep, they looked a bit oversize from being swollen.

I felt like I had a lot to say in the letter but anyway, that should just serve the purpose.

**

I was scared of sleeping in the same sheets we once shared. Damn I can't even mention her name, we ended the same way we got together. I can't explain how she came to my life, now that' she is fading away, I have come to a decision of ditching all the stuff we shared but realised that it was the dumbest thought.

Scared of going to that dreadful apartment with tonnes of memories from both of them, but mostly Val, she'd single handedly corrupted my mind, put my mind in disarray. Complex web of confusion struck me hard. I had bought new sheets for my bed, a fresh start. This night I will listen to dad songs and sink my dark heart in oblivion just to make it forget it knew how to love.

I won't make exceptions this time, I was finally done with her.

I wish I Never Met You by Oh Wonder was playing and I sang along to the lyrics as I cleaned my trashed apartment. I was throwing all meaningless things out of my life. I never knew this day would come, when I finally let go and focus on my future that I was in love.

I took a quick shower, I felt so relaxed, I let the cold waters wash away my pain. I was out I a quick second with a towel drying my damn hair, went toward the kitchen, grabbed a canned soda. I popped it open and swallowed a mouthful. Blew out a breath and scanned the apartment, I was pleased.

My phone buzzed, a text plopped. I threw it on the kitchen counter. Beads of sweat collected on my forehead as I took out the trash, my chest felt lighter, probably from heavy lifting and weeping, my eyes were clearer. New resolution. I passed by the living room and found a Netflix series called Love Alarm, it was always on repeat when we had movie night. But damn now it only let memories leak into my head but I won't let them go any deeper. Memories are inevitable even if I moved out. They will always chase me and slip into my head. I didnt toss the stuff, instead I replayed it in my head. I smiled over the sweet memories shuffling around my head.

I retrieved my notebook, I looked at the poems in it, the words so beautifully written but lacked recipient. Sometimes I wasn't really sure why I write, was it because I have talent and wanted to show off to no one in particular because no one really knew what was inside the notebook?

Most of the poems were sacred to me. I never showed any one, not even my friends, did I really have friends? Maybe just people we shared the same interests. I know hurt speaks for me most of the time.

Now I had baggage. I had to put my shit together, be strong enough to appear on Muffin's door and go on my knees if need be but I wasn't going to simp as they call it. I had to let it out and not let my emotions get the best of. I had to be rational. But one thing is for sure, love and common sense never go hand in hand.

I had my head but my heart had its own brain somehow. Truth is, I am a bit scared because I know one wrong move and I could be out of Muffin's life. I was torn in between a girl whom I love and a girl whom I used to love, my heart had decided to follow its destiny, it had found its purpose, I wasn't blocking it.

I glanced at the wall clock and it was way past midnight, I hadn't seen a single episode, leave alone what I was reading in my notes. I shut the book and tucked it away and leave it to collect dust, never to be opened again. Switched to damn TV off and sank in the couch.

Leon Stella's Goodnight was playing. The words landed heavily as I drifted to sleep dreaming of another day to be sad and grow old, life's so complicated.