43. The Sponge Wasn't Worthy

May, 2000

Kate froze, paralyzed by the weight of his question. Mind a complete blank, she couldn't think, didn't even want to understand what the hell he was asking.

But, she did. And the question left her cold and clammy with fright.

She'd not been keeping very close track. First, their collective illness had laid them both low, then, just as she was starting to feel better, Rick had had his incident with the bamboo. Nursing him, while keeping everything alive in the orchard and garden had left little time for herself. What time she'd had was spent agonizing over his health, praying he'd improve. Terrified he wouldn't.

"Kate?" his concerned voice broke through the paralysis. She felt the weight of his warm, reassuring hand on her shoulder as she knelt on the ground.

She looked up at him, fear radiating from her in palpable waves. "I—I don't remember, Rick."

"Do you keep a record of it somewhere?"

She nodded, mouth still a dry, arid wasteland. He held out his hand to help her up and she accepted the support. She wasn't sure she could have stood independently for another five or ten minutes—not after this.

However, once standing she still couldn't move. Eyes closed, she had the same thought over and over, driving every other thought into deep, inaccessible pits. 'I might be pregnant, I might be pregnant, I might be pregnant.'

"Hey, hey, Kate. It's gonna to be ok," Rick's deep voice tried to reassure her; she felt his strong arms wrapping around her, gathering her to his considerable bulk. While he might not squeeze as hard as usual with his injured left arm, it was still a very comforting place. She relaxed a tiny bit, letting him prop her up for a few minutes. His fingers soothed her, petting through her hair as if she were an injured baby bird calmed by the stroke of his hand.

It worked, as some of the abject misery leached out of her body and back into the ether, ready to be recalled at a moment's notice.

"What are we going to do?" she whispered to him.

"Let's go look at your calendar first, Kate. Maybe this isn't what it seems to be."

Right. Her calendar. She could do this; could make her feet move. Could walk—if he came with her, she could do this.

"I keep track on our big calendar," she explained. Since she'd taken over those duties from him, months ago now, she'd made a little dot over days of her period. They weren't obvious, unless you knew what to look for.

She had been very regular when she'd been in the States. However, the stress of the shipwreck and then trying to survive had wreaked havoc on her cycle. She'd been as late as a week and even early by a few days. Suddenly feeling reassured, she started to walk the rest of the way to the kitchen area. Surely this was all easily explained by stress and irregular nutrition.

Sitting numbly on her stool, head buried in her hands, Kate was the picture of anguish. It hadn't been a week. Nor two. No, it had been almost three weeks from her last period. She'd never been this late. Ever. She couldn't believe she hadn't noticed. Though, obviously, she'd had other things on her mind.

She heard Rick shuffling around. She was ignoring him for now, unable to process anything past the fact that she was probably pregnant. On an island without any medical care. The words unmitigated disaster sprang to mind.

"Kate," she heard her husband whisper to her, then felt his warmth enfold her as he reached around and easily lifted her to his lap. He'd moved his stool so it was right next to hers, though she hadn't noticed at the time.

Safely ensconced in his strong arms, she gave in to the tears that had been threatening from the time Rick had asked her that damn question. He let her cry, rocking her like a child. When that particular analogy popped into her head, she started crying even harder. It was at least half an hour before she'd calmed enough that she could think clearly enough to string a few words together.

"What are you thinking?" Rick asked gently, once she was mostly hiccupping instead of sobbing.

"That I'm terrified. Rick, there's no medical care here. What if something goes wrong? I don't know anything about having a baby."

"Kate, I'm terrified too. But, you're young and healthy. Women have been giving birth for thousands of years without the benefit of modern medicine."

She stiffened a bit in his arms. "And dying. Or the baby dies. And we don't have anyone here to help. At least there were midwives or other women available, even if there wasn't modern medicine. I don't know anything, Rick. I was never a teenager who babysat or was even very interested in babies."

"Kate, I've spent the last nearly year of my life with Hina, going from island to island helping people. I assisted in the delivery of about a dozen babies. And helped her care for close to twenty pregnant women during that time. I know I don't know enough to replace her, or even come close to it, but I'm not completely in the dark. It is possible, even likely, that both you and the baby are going to be fine."

"So, everyone was totally fine in your experiences? No complications?" She knew he couldn't assure her of a complication free pregnancy, and was angry that he was minimizing, or trying to minimize, the risk.

"No, no not everyone. But, I'm thankful they weren't."

"Why on earth would you say that?" she snapped.

"Because it gave Hina a chance to explain what she was doing and why. I learned more from those cases than the ones where everything went smoothly. And most of them were the smooth, no issues variety. But, I won't deny there were a couple of times where things didn't go as expected."

"And in those cases? Was Hina able to help?"

"Yes. And they all ended up with healthy moms and babies. I really think we can do this, Kate."

"Well, it's not like we have a choice at this point," she said, bitterness still evident in her acerbic response.

"No. I'm sorry. I thought we'd taken enough precautions."

"Clearly not. God, Rick. I don't know anything about babies. Or being a mom. What do we do about diapers? What if I can't breastfeed? There's no milk, besides coconut milk." She started trembling as her anxiety over the whole situation spiraled out of control.

"Kate, sweetheart, calm down," Rick's deep, soothing voice washed over her, taking some of her fear with it. "We don't know for sure that you're pregnant, just that you're late."

"Why'd you ask me then? You had no idea that I was late when you asked me when my last period was."

"Well, you were still throwing up. I've been over my puking illness for over a week now. And you kind of yelped when I pulled you in for a hug."

"What does yelping have to do with it?"

"Not yelping, but why you yelped. Do you remember what was sore?"

She didn't need to think back; they were still sore. Had been for days, though she hadn't thought about it consciously—too busy focusing her entirety of being on his recovery. "My breasts."

"That's what made me put it together. Sore breasts, vomiting. You're tired too, though you have good reason to be exhausted, with all you've been doing recently. But it all added up to being pregnant."

"Is there any way to know for sure?"

"Not that I know of. We don't have access to any pregnancy tests. It's mainly a matter of waiting. I think before pregnancy tests were available, people didn't know for sure until the mother felt the baby move. But, we have to assume you are. Make sure our diet is a little more varied, as much as we can."

"The garden is close to giving us our first tomatoes and the beans aren't far behind. That'll help."

"Yep. And we'll need to make sure you're getting plenty of protein. And either sweet potatoes or fish every day for calcium."

"Fish have calcium?"

"You know the little ones? They eat them whole."

Kate paled. Seeing her reaction, Rick tried to make it sound more palatable. "We can take their heads off, but it's important to eat the bones. Maybe in a stew?"

"Could we take out the middle too? Then entrails?"

"Sure, babe. That'll be fine. But, I can tell you that the women who ate a native diet had very healthy pregnancies. Hina always complained about the few women who ate a more western diet, with lots of junk food. Those were the women who had trouble."

Kate sighed. She didn't really have a choice in what she ate: they were at the mercy of the bounty of the island and the sea. At least she hadn't screwed the kid up yet. "What else would she tell women?"

"She recommended eating fresh citrus foods: she told me it helps with iron absorption. And lots of dark leafy vegetables."

"It's not so different from our regular diet, then."

"No. We were incredibly fortunate to end up here. The variety of plant life on the atolls is very limited, not to mention fresh water. We'll be fine, Kate. All three of us," he added, gently placing one hand over her lower abdomen.

"Do you really think we can do this? That it'll be ok?" she quavered.

He reached up and stilled her shaking jaw, turning her head so he was looking into her eyes. "I know we can. You're extraordinary at everything you do. Motherhood will be no different."

She collapsed against him again, glad to have him holding her. He'd become the only support she ever wanted. She was a strong woman, had been through more than most people could begin to fathom. However, she'd learned in the months with Rick that it was a relief to not have to be strong all the time.

He respected her as a person; allowed her to have space when she needed it. But, there was great comfort in letting him wrap around her protectively. She'd never imagined she'd find someone like him, someone to truly share her innermost fears or the parts of her that were weak and needy. But he took it all in stride and shared the same with her. They were strong for each other, and that was what she needed from him right now.

Retching into the bushes, Rick kept his eyes closed, fighting down the burning taste of the vomit. Once his stomach was truly empty, he stood and groaned. Walking absently to the lake shore, only a few feet away, he continued to panic.

Kate had gone to lie down for a while. Exhausted from her pregnancy and her recent overexertion. He'd encouraged it when he'd seen her eyes closing as he held her tight. Relieved when she'd agreed, not only because he wanted her to rest, but also because he wasn't sure how long he could stave off the panic threatening to drown him.

He'd been able to wait until after he'd escorted her into the house, made sure she was comfortable. It had been all he could do to keep from breaking into a run the minute he cleared the door on his way out. He had started running once he made his way through the trees to the kitchen area. He'd nearly made it to the shore before he'd emptied his stomach.

The signs were all there; he was sure she was pregnant. And the thought was absolutely terrifying. He'd known how scared she was—he was just as petrified. However, he'd known she'd look to him for reassurance, for the faith they'd need that it would all be alright in the end.

God help him, he'd somehow found the fortitude to give her confidence. If they both broke down in panic, he knew it would make things far, far harder. So he would pretend that he was certain all would be fine. He'd be the rock for her in this. He had little else to offer. There was absolutely nothing either of them could do about it now: she was pregnant, and they had to deal with it.

But he knew, he knew from the depths of his soul, that if anything happened to her he'd never forgive himself. He'd been the overconfident idiot who'd come up with the idea of using a sea sponge as a contraceptive. Clearly its record for effectiveness was nowhere near what it needed to be. Yet, he was also aware that there was no way they could have lived with each other without giving in to their attraction.

They were in love; it was impossible not to be affected by her. And stranded in an impossible situation. They'd done the best they could, but now those actions above all else might threaten the life of the woman he loved more than anything else in the world. He sank down to the shore and began sobbing as the enormity of what he could lose overwhelmed him.

Kate had tried lying down, but she was too restless. She was tired, but her mind was whirling at tornadic speed. Once she'd finally realized that she was probably—almost definitely—pregnant, she'd immediately been filled with all the most alarming scenarios. No medical care. No medicines, save what little they knew they could make with the limited flora they had. No other women to ask questions, be reassured that she was doing fine. No knowledge of even what to do with a baby, if everything went well.

However, now that the initial maelstrom of panic had receded—a bit—she was beginning to feel some of the joy and euphoria that came with the news as well. She'd always wanted children, though the thought had obviously been an abstract for some day. She'd been too young to even think about it, focused on going to college then law school. A family would necessarily happen later. Then her world was knocked completely off its axis and even college became an impossibility.

Her life since losing her mother had been so crazy; the only thing she'd wanted for many, many months was to just go back to what they'd had. It wasn't achievable, but it was what she wanted. Her family, back. Her innocence from the reality of the cruel world restored.

She'd never imagined being able to move past the bitter grief delivered to her over a year ago. That is until the tsunami of life known as Richard Rodgers had rolled into her world. And now she had a tiny life that they'd created together harbored safely in her womb. It was an incredible feeling, to know that the act of their love had created another being.

Dropping one hand to cover her lower abdomen, she whispered to her unborn child, "I know you can tell I'm scared. I don't know how to be a mother, but I want you to know that I'll do everything I can to keep you safe. I love you so much already."

Rising from the bed, she felt the need to be with Rick at that moment. To let him know that while she was still terrified about the whole thought of doing this without access to modern medical care, she didn't regret for a second that they were having a baby together. Walking to the kitchen area, she didn't see him. She'd expected him to be there, perhaps preparing their next meal. Looking out around the thriving garden and orchard showed no sign of him.

Unsure of where he was, she walked towards the lake by simple instinct. When she was highly emotional, the gentle lap of the tiny waves of the lake soothed her. She heard him before she saw him—he was crying. Giant sobs as though he'd just received the worst news possible. Running up to where he sat on the ground, near the lakeshore, she knelt next to him, touching his shoulder gently. He had his arms wrapped around his knees, which were drawn up to his chest. His head was buried in his thighs, but his whole body shook as he cried.

"Rick, what is it? What's wrong?"

He was clearly startled to see her, jumping a bit at the sound of her voice and her touch on his shoulder. Looking up bleary eyed at her, she could see he'd been crying for a while based on how red his eyes were.

"Kate? You're supposed to be sleeping."

"I can't sleep. Too much on my mind. Please, Rick, what's wrong?" She crawled on her knees just a bit closer to him. He took the hint and straightened his legs out. She crawled into his lap and cradled his head, kissing him repeatedly on the cheeks. "What's wrong? Please tell me what's making you cry so hard."

"I don't want to bother you, Kate. It's my own problem, not yours."

"It's too late for that, Rick. I can see you're really upset. If something's worrying you, I want to know."

He was silent for several long moments. She felt him stir beneath her, shifting uncomfortably. "I want to be strong for you," he whispered, words catching in his throat as tears threatened once more.

"Oh, Rick. We can be strong together. You've already been so supportive through all the stuff in dealing with the anniversary of my mom's death. Now that we're married, I hoped we'd face things together." She caressed his shoulder and chest as she spoke, trying to impart how much she wanted to help him.

"It's just—God, Kate, I don't want to tell you. I'm afraid of what you'll think and how it'll affect you."

"Well, you're already scaring me. If you don't tell me, I'll be forced to imagine the worst scenarios possible and I'm sure that's worse than whatever it is you have to tell me."

He sighed, sounding heartbroken. "I wanted to be the rock for you here, to be the one you relied on."

"You are. You are. Just tell me," she whispered, leaning forward and kissing him. A reassuring kiss, telling him nothing he had to say would affect her love.

"I'm so scared. I can't lose you. I don't know what I'd do!" he suddenly burst out, startling them both with his vehemence.

"Scared of what?" she questioned, before answering for him. "Is this about the pregnancy?"

He nodded, miserable.

"But you were so confident, earlier."

"I know, I know. I was so scared that if you knew how afraid I was about everything, that it would make you even more scared and it would make everything harder. I wanted you to feel that I at least had a handle on things."

"So you've never delivered a baby? Was that all just made up to make me feel better?" She was stiff with anger. She'd never imagined him actually lying to her about something as important as all this.

"NO, no. I have done all that I said, but Hina was there. You've just got me. And I'm far from an expert. What happens if something goes wrong? I'd never forgive myself, Kate. I don't think I could go on."

"Shh, shh," she soothed. Now that she understood his fear, she felt they could both deal with everything. Together, as they'd gotten through all their trials so far.

"You said most deliveries went fine, right?"

"Well, yes. It was pretty rare for there to be a complication. Though Hina did try to teach me what to do if X situation or Y problem cropped up. She was such a great teacher. I miss her and Anapa so much."

"I know you do. Believe me, I'd rather be somewhere with more people. But, we don't have that luxury. You know, I was lying in bed, thinking about things, and I realized something. A few things, actually."

"Like what?" he asked her.

"Well, it was just a few days ago that I was faced with the prospect of possibly losing you. It scared me to death. And you've made almost a full recovery, I know that, but I got to thinking about how dangerous our lives can be here. Accidents at any time, an illness that we can't manage. I could lose you at any point, and I'm so grateful that you've been in my life and showed me the meaning of what it means to love and be loved."

"Me too, Kate. Me too." He leaned down and kissed her slowly. As they broke apart, she continued.

"So, I'll never regret being with you. Loving you, marrying you. No matter what happens to us, we've had this time together. And, Rick, we've made a child out of the love we share. How can that be a bad thing? I'm still scared, don't get me wrong, but we're going to be parents together. It's an incredible feeling."

He had to smile at the obvious joy suffusing her as she finished speaking. "You're right, Kate. It is a wonderful thing." Reaching down, he touched her lower abdomen just as she had earlier that day. "A part of me is growing in you. And we'll figure it all out, the whole baby thing. I'm scared, but with you and I in this together, I think we can overcome just about anything."

Her only answer was to capture his lips in a passionate kiss. She knew with him by her side, the impossible suddenly seemed possible. Together, they could take on the world.

So, as it turns out, sea sponges as a barrier method are only effective if you use a spermicide with them. There are recipes to make such spermicides using natural products that are available to them. However, Rick either forgot this step or never learned it. This was a deliberate choice on my part for the story: he can't be infallible all the time, and the impact of this mistake is far reaching—though in a good way (IMO).