Garden Of Eden I

In a perfect world, Irwin would now be suffering in the fiery pits of hell. Being tortured by the spawns of Alistair or, if he's unfortunate enough, by the Grand Torturer himself.

'But this isn't a perfect world,' Irwin thought to himself as he knelt down on the moist soil. 'This is a supernatural world.'

His hands dug deep into the ground, shaking the soil loose and feeling its granules. Frankly, Irwin didn't know what he was doing, merely going with his gut feeling as he marked spots within the confines of the park.

"I should have learned a fucking druid spell." He muttered to himself as he took out a notepad and marked this spot with a grade of "C".

He and Ella had browsed a horticulture book from Lady Anastasia's shelves after his stimulating conversation with Archibald. Irwin's plan was to annoy Lady Anastasia enough to help them so that they may leave her alone.

Sure enough, she had given them a brief lecture regarding their gardening project. Although he was more inclined in the ways of magik, it looked as though Ella had gained far more knowledge than he did and would ever done.

But what he got from the lesson was that they needed appropriate soil to plant the ingredients, even with the Seed of Eden. As such, they created a letter grading system ranging from "E" to "A". "E" being least healthy soil and would need months to become healthy again after reaping the flora, while "A" signified days in between sowing seasons.

Sitting atop a rotting log, Ella held out a notebook filled with indecipherable scribbles of her thoughts regarding their little gardening expedition. Her face had been blemished with soot and dirt, but amidst that stain was a face of utter concentration.

"Would you be angry at me if I leave you here alone?" He asked. "I'd rather be knee deep in demon guts than in worm skin."

"Be my guest. You're just the moneybag here." She teased, "How many spots have you checked?"

"About a dozen." He replied with pursed lips.

"We've been here for hours!" She exclaimed, smacking her thighs in disappointment. "You really are worthless."

Irwin scoffed, "Shut up. How many do you have?"

"I've marked… 867 spots in 500 square yards." She said, as if she wasn't bragging.

"Screw you." Irwin narrowed his eyes and turned towards the exit, which Ella soon followed after while bragging about her other accomplishment in the garden.

Although Irwin kept calling it a "Garden Park, ", the effective area was a hundred feet short of an acre. Large enough to field thousands of plants and mushrooms for spell works, but small enough that it was a hassle to put forth an action plan within the state government.

To be honest, once Irwin had the mayor's approval of the creation of the park, as well as his promise of paying for its construction cost and annual upkeep, the only thing they needed was permits for the construction to start.

That was a few months ago. The excavation had ended and the foundation of the dirt paths, bed space for the plants, and the caved mounds for the mycelium. He had already bought the ingredients to be planted, only that he was reminded of how naïve he was regarding horticulture.

"I need a gardener and a goddamn maid." He muttered aloud.

"So, you should get one." Ella replied.

He gazed at her in contemplation. "You think so?"

"My knees hurt from bending." She said innocently before being weirded out when Irwin chuckled. "Don't be a pervert."

"I'm just thinking over here!" He reasoned out. 'Maybe I don't need a gardener?'

Irwin activated his system, keeping one eye towards the road as they traversed around the Willintel Lake.

The Trade Store was both a repository of the universe's knowledge, craftsmanship, and ideology, as well as a replicating vault of what had been created, what is being created, and what will be created. Irwin had figured this out long ago, but had repressed this useless information onto the back of his mind.

He was now perusing the store for any consumable or mystical item or spell that could help him with his problem. With almost thirteen thousand credits at his disposal, he could buy the whole world if he wanted to. An exaggeration, of course, but was nonetheless technically true if he was smart about it or that Chuck does not interfere.

It took until they were aboard the boat that Irwin found what he was looking for and there were three of them to choose from. 

The first was a true Golem created in the ghettos of Poland during the first world war, which was worth 1,800 credits and could only be commanded by true children of Judah. Irwin wasn't Jewish nor was Richard and his entire immediate family, being a pure Protestant and a supporter of King George VIII when he broke off the Catholic Church. 

He supposed that there was a chance Garth or Gordon were Jewish. Nevertheless, that would detract them from their actual jobs. Still, he bought it and kept it in his back pocket for when he dealt with the Thules and met with what was left of the Judah Initiative.

'Hopefully, the book will help them.'

The second item was a living southern wind trapped in a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers tumbler. According to a single sentence description, a French middle-schooler found a near-death pagan god, Egoi, and, in exchange for healing and feeding him, split off a part of him to protect the kid from his school bullies.

To recreate the power of a pagan god, that was still still within the bounds of his System's power. It begged the question, however, what are its limits? If Irwin was a man who questioned why things happened to him, then he would have used every means necessary to find the answer. Fortunately, he was not.

"What do you think about a living vacuum cleaning the shit out of the manor?" He asked Ella as she operated the pontoon boat.

"Isn't that kind of… messy? Like papers and stuff flying everywhere." She reasoned.

"I figured we could tell him not to." The living wind was only worth five hundred credits, much cheaper than the golem.

Seeing as Ella was still hesitant on the living wind, he delved into the next item, which was actually two Fairy magik spell. An attracting spell that releases a pheromone within a thousand mile radius targeting lower-ranked Demihumans. A binding spell was then to be used once a Demihuman gets caught in the trap.

"Too much work, don't you think?" She asked.

"Well, it's either that or the living wind." He said.

She sighed. "Living wind, it is."

●●●●●●

Seated around the parlor room were all the members of the family. Archibald stood across the French window, smoking his wizened pipe. Lady Anastasia brushed Annalize's hair on the large couch as she tattled off what she did that day at her school.

Ella had a huge grin on her face as she sat on the ground and perused her gardening journal on the coffee table.

"Alright, son. Why are we here?" Archibald asked, seeing Irwin fiddling with something in his pocket.

Irwin clapped his hands, earning everyone's attention. Annalize, however, pursed her lips and deliberately not looked at Irwin, which ached the man's heart.

He had been so busy the moment he got back that he had forgotten to talk to Annalize. It was a good thing Richard was now resting in heaven or the hedonistic bastard would be poltergeist-ing Irwin about mistreating his beloved sister.

He cleared his throat. "I would like to present our newest and the best cleaning servant in the whole goddamn world! Please welcome Egoi of the Basque!"

A breeze entered the room, causing everyone to shiver in the cold air, even the ones who were magically protected from such extreme temperature. In the center of the room, once empty of furniture–even the antique rug–now lay a Power Rangers themed tumbler with an open cap.

If one could look inside of the tumbler, then one could see a swirling miniature tornado that slowly grew in size and intensity. Soon, the tornado grew enough to loom over the room, sending paper and unfastened light objects swirling in its whirly grasp.

Irwin clapped his hands once more before barking an order. "Show yourself!"

The tornado halted its impending destruction of the parlor room, wind billowing out to reveal the form of a dark-skinned man in his late 50s. Wizened and scarred face with terrifying crimson eyes perfectly complimented his muscular hirsute torso, bare for all to see.

"You have called upon the might of Egio." His deep bassy voice reverberated across the room. "What is it that I must do, and what do you offer in return?"

"We offer worship and adoration and about $10 per hour." Irwin replied.

Egoi nodded in contemplation. "Acceptable. Do you offer a free room and board?"

"We have a basement. Although a priest comes by once a week to bless the water heater." Irwin said.

"That would be enough." Egoi seemed happy enough. "What is the task you wish me to fulfill?"

"Clean the manor, rake the leaves, wash the dishes, and, oh, if you have time, arrange the books in the study alphabetically."