CHAPTER 30: SECRETS AND LIES AND FEVER

It's been two weeks since I slept with Allen and God knows how long since I've fallen in love with him. We've been hanging out with each other like usual since the day we demanded that we forget everything, go back to being friends and move on.

Ironically, it is me who isn't able to forget.

Every time our bodies come in contact, all I can see behind my eyes are images of him, pinning me down, engulfing me in his embrace.

When he throws his arm around my neck casually, all I can feel is those hands caressing my whole being.

Every time he talks to me, all I can hear are his whispers and groans as he calls my name when he fills my insides.

I groan in frustration as I bring my palms to cover my face in pure embarrassment, I never knew I could have these embarrassingly lewd thoughts about other people.

It's true that I have never felt like this towards anyone else before, sexually or romantically. I was a –sexually and romantically- virgin boy before Allen.

Never thought that my first love will be this excruciating though. Sure I'm experiencing the excitement, the heart-warming-butterfly-flutters, the longing and all that sweet trembling of every fiber of my being... but afterwards comes the guilt, the pain, embarrassment, pain, helplessness, depression and some more pain (yes, it is a bit dramatic, I know).

I know very well that I can never have him. I don't even know if he likes me like that, you know? And even if he is, I still won't claim him if it means betraying my friend. His girlfriend.

I sigh heavily, dropping my head back against my pillow and stare aimlessly at my ever-so-boring ceiling.

If love is such a torment I wish I would have been spared from experiencing it at all.

"Dude, you feelin' okay? You look green." Lance, one of the decoration crew for the Summer Festival stares at my face in mix of concern and amusement. How green do I look?

"What am I? Hulk?" I glare at him in return while he rolls his eyes at me.

"Dude, I'm serious," He seems more concerned now as he smacks my arm lightly. "You look like you're about to pass out any second now.'

I stare, no, glare at him.

It is true that I haven't feeling all that well these past few days. I've been running around so much since the opening day for the summer festival is nearing. I can't really take a break despite my lack of sleep and probably lack of nutrition that usually accompanies it. I have lots of jobs to do and I need every single one of them. Not only for the money but also for the distractions they provide me with.

"I'm fine, Lance," I tell, well, brush him off.

"Just, take it easy, okay?" Nissa, another member of the crew says sternly. "We can't afford to have Chuck running around killing committee members for working you to the bone."

I roll my eyes at that.

"You are not working me to the bone, Nissa. No one is," I tell her.

"Oh, so you agree that your boy is capable of rampage killing?" Nissa teases.

"No. He is not some psycho," I manage to laugh.

"He is for you," She answers back half amused half serious.

"Screw it," Lance says and takes out his phone. "I'm calling Marsha," He says and before I can protest, he gets up and runs while Richa, another member, and Nissa grab each of my shoulders to make me sit back down on the floor. Which makes me rethink my health because I fall easily back down when they grab me.

I glare and groan at Lance when he comes back to his original place beside me.

"What the hell did you tell her?" I ask not so nicely.

"That you look like hell. I told her to come and get you, feed you, and make sure you're not working anymore for the rest of the day at least," He tells me, shrugging.

"What the hell did you do that for?" I groan, "how much did they pay you to tell on me?"

"We just don't want to get killed," Nissa fakes a whimper as Richa and Lance nod forcefully.

"Whatever," I roll my eyes again.

"No, seriously," Richa says, turning serious. "We just don't want you to get sick. We can handle things here. Just come back when you're actually feeling, and looking better," She says gently.

I, of course, went silent after that.

"Fine," I finally say. "I'll be back tomorrow," I tell them and they smile at me, mostly out of relief.

"Lee! Your new husband is here!" I almost jump at those remarks from someone but I immediately sigh in relief when I see Kenneth standing by the door, waving his hand at me cheerfully.

I thought that person was talking about Allen. How stupid, I shake my head. Since I've been hanging out with Allen and Joy a lot, people have been calling him my new husband and Joy my new wife. Ridiculous. And a bit painful on my part to be honest.

I sigh and get up after collecting my things. I walk over to Kenneth slowly. My body feels heavy and my head's been throbbing since this morning.

"Lance's right," Kenneth says when I arrive in front of him. "You look like hell,"

I roll my eyes at him. "Where's Marsha?"

"Getting your food. She'll meet us back at your place," Kenneth tells me and takes my bag from me. "C'mon." I sigh, didn't really want to protest so I just let him carry my bag and take my hand.

"Umm... Kenneth..." I call out to him softly. He remove his hand from mine and now he put it on my back as we walk slowly as if he's supporting me. "I can walk just fine you know," I tell him as I try brushing off his hand from me.

"Don't want you passing out on me," Kenneth says simply. I roll my eyes, though he wouldn't be able to look at it. He's becoming more and more of a worrywart like Marsha.

But in the end, I just let him do as he pleases while we walk back to my dorm. I am in no mood, and have no strength to argue. Maybe I am sick indeed. I really can't afford to get sick though. The festival is in nine days and I really have lots of things to do.

We arrive back at my dorm and Marsha and Chuck's already there, preparing my extra late lunch or super early dinner. Either way, I haven't seen them cook in a long time, it brings back a lot of memories. Fond ones.

"Whatcha makin'?" I say as excitedly as I can though my voice comes out just tired.

"Side dishes for your fish porridge," Chuck tells me as he approaches me. He looks at me closely, with frowns between his brows and without even a hint of a smile. He sighs and lets go of his hands that were around my waist. "Go clean up and wait a bit," He tells me and I nod before walking to my bathroom.

I take off my clothes and stare at my reflection in the mirror. The person that's looking back at me scares me. He's pale. Very pale. And not the glowing, vampire-y pale, fairy tale-like kind of pale, but grayish pale. His eyes have bags under them. Circles so dark it matches his soul right now. Tired eyes and chapped lips complete the overall pathetic look.

I shudder.

Damn, I do look like hell.

I sigh and immediately clean up myself before putting on my shorts and loose top. I get out of my bathroom and immediately am welcomed by a salivating aroma that also fills the room.

"Smells good," I walk over to the kitchen where Marsha and Chuck are finishing their cooking while Kenneth sits on my couch like a boss, flipping through the channel on my TV.

"Sweet fried egg roll. Spicy pickled radish and sweet and sour pork," Chuck says. Those are all my favorites.

I stare at my two best friends and Kenneth. What did I do to deserve them? Their love is overwhelming me. Their warmth is calming me. I don't realize I am crying until Marsha engulf me in her warm embrace.

Oh shit.

I quickly wipe my tears though of course it's too late. They already saw it. Chuck and Marsha are now hugging me tightly. I can feel another tear roll down my cheek.

"Don't cry..." Marsha says weakly.

"Are you hurt somewhere?" Chuck asks. His concern is so apparent I feel really bad. I shake my head.

"Probably just the exhaustion," I tell them weakly. I didn't actually lie. Part of it is exhaustion.

"You've a slight fever," A palm rests on my forehead and Kenneth's voice interrupts our little group hug time. "Eat and rest," His tone is stern so Marsha and Chuck let me go and let me walk to my bed while they're getting my food.

"I'm sorry," I say softly when Chuck hands me the tray, I place it on my lap and he sits beside me, smiling, though he still looks concerned and... hurt? I feel really bad for them.

"Just eat," Chuck says.

"Thank you," I say to the three of them who smile back at me.

I love them, the three of them, to death. The thought of me betraying them, and the hurt and disappointment I'll see in their eyes when they'd found out, kills me. But I hold back the tears and just eat silently while Marsha and Kenneth are snuggling on my couch and Chuck, as usual, is by my side, one arm around me, the other is playing with his phone.

"Something wrong?" I ask him when he let out a 'tsk' and a tired sigh.

"Just Tyler," He says and types something in his phone.

Tyler has been one of Chuck's close friends since the first year. They both are on the football team.

"How's he? I haven't seen him around lately," I ask Chuck. Why is he stiffening though? I frown when I feel his hand move uncomfortably around me.

"He's... busy..." Chuck says carefully after a while.

My brows furrow further.

"Do you have plans with him or something?" I ask again, trying to brush off the weird feeling I get from Chuck.

"Umh..." Chuck's avoiding my eyes. He's about to lie to me.

I chuckle weakly. "Just go if you really have to, Chuck," I tell him. I don't want him to lie to me. Or anyone else.

"I can just go later," Chuck says finally. "I'll let Tyler know I'll stay here until at least you're sleeping," He shrugs and I sigh.

"I know you're all worried about me," I say to the three of them. Marsha and Kenneth turn their attention to me. "But I'm just exhausted. I only need to rest, so, if you have plans, please, don't cancel it on my account. Especially, on my account. I'd feel bad."

"We'll just stay until you finish your meal and sleep," Marsha says. "I promise,"

"Though we'll check on you later tonight," Kenneth shrugs and I roll my eyes.

"I love you guys," I tell them and their faces lit up immediately, making me chuckle. "I really do, so much. But please for the love of God, stop spoiling me so much! I'm going to be fine!" I tell them.

"Fine. We'll leave," Chuck huffs and ruffles my hair in annoyance but lovingly kisses my forehead after. Heheheheh he can never get mad at me. "Promise to call if anything happens?" he demands.

I roll my eyes and wave them goodbye, well, practically, shooing them away though.

"Bye babe. Get well soon," Chuck says again as he kisses my cheek.

"Love you!" I shout to him as he, well, dash out of the door. He is so in a hurry but still manages to shout back that he loves me too though. Which makes me frown even more. Before, he looked like he didn't want to leave, now, looking at how fast he was gone, it almost seemed like he couldn't wait to get out of here.

"You sure you're going to be fine?" Marsha asks, placing her warm palm to my cheek.

"I'll be fine, Sha." I smile at her, as reassuring as I can.

"Call us?" she asks finally. I nod as she kisses my cheek, followed by Kenneth.

"Love you," They both say before leaving me.

I can finally sigh in relief when the silence comes.

I love them. So much. But I can't really face them without breaking down right now.

I slowly and reluctantly finish my food and drink a glass of water. After I'm finished, I put the bowl and glass in the sink and go back to my bed after turning off all the lights.

I lay there for a while until the exhaustion took over and pulled me into a restless dream.