Chapter 9: End of Evandegenerancy

Another 2 days passed and once again no signs from Melanie that she was going to be waking up anytime soon. As I looked at her, she still had the same dumb grin on her face as when she first fainted.

Paula: It may be time soon.

She put a hand on my shoulder as I continued to stare at Melanie.

Xavier: No... that's not how this is supposed to go! Melanie can't die. Is... is this that type of story? I thought this was supposed to be family-friendly! This... this would be too traumatic for the kids.

As tears began to flow down my eyes I looked back at Paula who just shook her head.

Paula: No Xavdenial, you must let go. It only gets harder if you don't.

I closed my eyes in agony banging a fist on the ground.

"If only... if only she hadn't been so horny!"

Paula sighed.

Paula: I suppose if nothing else let this be a lesson to future generations on the dangers of overconsumption in anything that releases a high amount of serotonin. Too much at once and you may find yourself... singing a goodbye Melanie.

Ned: AND CUT, OKAY VERY GOOD JOB PLANET 4 THAT WAS EXCELLENT.

Xavier: Wait what Ned?

Paula: Thanks Ned, remember aliens at home, vote for planet 4 and best girl Paula.

Ned: YOU'RE BEHIND LITERALLY EVERYONE IN THE POPULARITY POLLS BUT SURE.

Xavier: I am so confused...

Paula: Yeah that's pretty expected, we did wipe your memory.

Xavier: What?!

Ned: AHEM, ALRIGHT FIONA, YOU MAY DRINK THE MAPLE SYRUP.

Xavier: Wait, Fiona? Where did you come from?

Fiona: Yeah so basically it's like this Xavier. For trial 8 Ned requested that we wipe the memory of one of the members of each team and then reenact some skit that we thought of beforehand until we reveal the M Night Shyamalan twist to the memory-wiped person that they were in a simulation the whole time. Well not really a simulation, it's more of just mild amnesia but it's kind of like those movie twists where they find out they're in a simulation. It's kind of like that but not really. I don't know, Ned just watched "Shutter Island" this week since his smartphone got taken away.

Xavier: What the fuck that's massive spoilers.

Ned: SHUT UP THAT MOVIE'S 15 YEARS OLD.

Fiona: Anyways yeah, this is the skit we decided to act out. We pretended like Melanie had actually died and we were planning on burying her. Pretty messed up but considering the determining factor this time was the audience voting based on the memory-wiped member's reaction and how good it was, I'd say overall this was a resounding success.

Xavier: Brah...

Ned: INDEED I WOULD CERTAINLY SAY SO.

Xavier: Okay wait...

I looked down at Melanie who despite all the ruckus, was still unconscious.

Xavier: So is Melanie alright? I'm pretty sure she's still unconscious.

Fiona: Yeah it's fine bro don't even sweat. Apparently, these aliens have technology that can revive the dead.

Xavier: Okay that's not possible. How does that even work? What, you can return the soul to a body because you have wish-granting magic or something?

Ned: WE ACTUALLY DO HAVE A SPECIAL TECHNIQUE FOR BRINGING BACK THE DEAD.

Xavier: Called?

Ned: DEUX EX MACHINA.

Xavier: ... touché.

Ned: ANYWAYS THANK YOU AGAIN TEAM 4, NEXT UP WE HAVE TEAM 24 THE MOBIUS SIBLINGS REEANCTING THE TORTURE SCENE FROM THE NOVEL "THE KINGDOM OF LIFE AND LIES" BY KINO REN. ALRIGHT, THIS CAN'T POSSIBLY BE COPYWRITTEN, I OWN THE COPYWRITE!

As I looked around me, the island area I thought I was on before began changing back into the cement square block floor with the audience of tiki mask aliens suddenly appearing again. My mind had gone numb at this point. What even is reality? I was so sure just a few minutes ago of exactly where I was but now... what if this isn't even the first time? Have I been mind-wiped before? What if everyone around me... is a robot? I mean it's certainly possible right? Damn, A.I. technology is getting scary, have you seen all those things it can do, all the jobs it will replace? They can perfectly replicate people's voices and personalities. So if they can do that...

Paula: Xavier

Xavier: Huh what?

My trance broke when I looked over to see Paula place a hand on my shoulder again.

Paula: Come on pick up Melanie, the Mobius siblings are getting on.

Xavier: Oh right... right...

As I picked her up and looked at her stupid grin still unconscious, I wondered if truly, she'd be okay. I couldn't take any chances at this point so I decided not to even acknowledge what's his name when he began shouting about being my eternal rival. He seemed to respect me however seeing me ignore him adamantly. He nodded silently and went to begin his scene with his siblings.

Xavier: Say, Paula.

Paula: Yeah?

Xavier: That last line...

Paula: Huh?

Xavier: That last line you said before the big reveal that I had my memory wiped. Do you remember it?

Paula: Uhhh... not really.

Xavier: Singing a goodbye Melanie. I don't know, that line was kind of weird.

Paula: How so?

Xavier: Did... did you always make puns? I don't know, I just didn't take you as a puns kind of person. That's for sure the first pun I've ever heard you make. A goodbye Melanie, huh, that's pretty good.

Paula: Oh no, sorry there was a reason I had to make that pun.

Xavier: Why's that?

Paula: Yeah, that's a reference to the song "a goodbye" by Melanie Suwi. A song she told me about while we were still on the cruise line.

Xavier: Oh no... Is this about to make me cry.

Paula: No just your anus.

Xavier: ... what?

Paula: Yeah that's what the song's about, she wants to peg you so hard that you have to say goodbye to your anus. So yeah, brace yourself.

Xavier: What the fuck.

As I uttered those words Melanie suddenly began expanding in size. Before I knew it she was 100 feet tall when she opened her eyes and stood up.

Melanie: Hope you're ready for an eternity of this mwhahahahahaha.

A single mallet and peg appeared in her hands.

Xavier: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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Ned: GOD DAMMIT, THAT'S THE LAST TIME I'M GIVING OUT ACID AS THE MINIPRIZE.

Paula: Yeah my b, I thought it'd be funny if I gave Xavier the highest dosage. Toots and I came down hours ago.

Ned: HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN LYING LIKE THAT FOR? I HAD TO CENSOR THIS FOR THE CHILDREN SO I DIDN'T WATCH.

Paula: I don't know, 6 hours? Yeah, I don't think he'll be making it to this trial Ned. Melanie probably won't either, out with a grade 2 blood loss-related injury still.

Ned: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE YOU COMPETE WITHOUT 2 OF YOUR 4 MEMBERS?

Paula: Ehhhh it'll be fine, toots and I will carry, just think of those 2 being out as uhh...

Fiona: Load management.

Paula: Yeah! Exactly what toots said. All sports teams load manage and we're basically a sports team if you think about it.

Ned: ... WHATEVER COME ON.

*A hole appears in front of Fiona and Paula*

Paula: Sick. So what's the challenge this time?

Ned: YOU WILL BE SHOT OUT OF A HUMAN CANON AND ONTO A TARGET EARNING POINTS DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU LAND. VERY SIMILAR TO A JAPANESE GAMESHOW.

Fiona: Nice.

Paula: Nice.