Chapter 6: A Battle of Wits

A day had passed since the last trial. In that time Ned had gifted us a 6 feet by 6 feet plastic container for containing Melanie. He managed to negotiate with Melanie to stay in the box when she wanted to talk about Yaoi in exchange for another compilation of the galaxy's greatest BL tales. That's where she was currently in fact with Fiona who was assigned to watch over her. I wonder what they're talking about now actually.

-meanwhile-

Melanie: Hey Fiona

Fiona: Yeah?

Melanie: You ever get into knitting?

Fiona: It's aiight.

-back to Xavier-

Xavier: Yeah guess I'll never know.

Paula: Mang what da fuck you waffling about now.

As for me, I was lying down a bit far away from the container looking at the very accurate projection of the stars the tiki mask aliens had provided us. Next to me lay Paula who… well actually there's just a high amount of Pokémon in this area.

"It's just like I don't get it. I thought this BL thing was a one-off joke or at least contained to just one adventure. Is this normal? No way this is normal. It's like, literally all she talks about is BL. Is that normal?"

As I asked the question Paula paused her Pokémon catching briefly and looked at me with a concerned expression.

"You know, I thought you'd say some bull jive Xav but that's a good question."

"Right?!? Was she always like this or…"

"Whelp, to answer that question, let me tell you something Melanie said to me, the first time I ever saw her drunk."

"I self-insert as Sakura because I enjoy abusers even though it's messed up?"

"Yeah."

"…"

"Oh, but also this after. She told me that the truth of the world was that there are 3 kinds of women."

"Which are?"

"Those who don't like guys at all, like me, and probably Fiona who is likely asexual since I'm pretty sure every other known creature in the universe would be attracted to me."

"You're going to confirm your sexuality just like that?"

"Yeah, is that a problem?"

"No no, continue."

"Anyways, number 2 is girls who like BL, and 3…"

She paused for a moment. It was one of those long dramatic pauses that I felt. My heart pounded as I awaited further secrets from Paula of the mystery to me that is Melanie Suwi. It pounded so hard in fact as the pause continued; I couldn't take it and spoke out.

"What's… what's the 3rd type of girl?"

"Huh wait sorry sorry, I'm trying to catch this Geodude one sec."

"What the…"

As I turned to look at her I noticed Paula was indeed attempting to catch a Geodude on her Pokémon Go app.

"Noice,"

She fist-pumped when her Pokéball finally stopped shaking.

"Ahem…"

"Oh right right sorry, yeah, the 3rd type is liars because every straight girl that's into guys enjoys BL."

"Wha…what!?!?"

"Yeah so…"

"Wait what does that even mean? Why did you tell me all this?"

"It means you should be thankful she's being so honest to you Xavdense."

"Huh?"

"Like I said, that's what she said and from my experience honestly… that sounds pretty close to reality."

"Okay but what is there to be grateful for exactly?"

"Just that she's honest about things you know? Melanie is a lot of things but if there's one thing she's not, it's a liar. She's warning you about the fact that if you stay with her, you will be subjected to hours and hours of fantasy BL torture. Just like how she will have to endure hours and hours of you making her do degrading things like cat-speaking for you."

"What I won't..."

"Melanie showed me those gifs you sent her over text. You also asked her to send a voice recording of her doing cat noises when you were way too high."

"I… huh… yeah that is all true… huh…"

I looked back up at the artificial alien holographic sky and thought about Paula's words again. For as bad of a rap as I gave her sometimes, honestly, she was a very insightful friend.

"Yeah, so you know what Xavspoiled? You're going to endure those BL conversations because you know what else? At least Melanie's honest about it!"

"Yeah!"

"And you're going to endure all those crack ships too. Because Melanie is an adventurer, she is not bound to the rules of canon."

"Yeah!"

"And of course, you'll accept her fetish of pegging guys and allow her to peg you whenever she wants!"

"Ugh… kinda weird but sure! I'll accept it since she was honest about it!"

"Alright perfect anddddd cut!"

"Wait what…"

As I looked away from the artificial sky towards Paula, I saw her turning off a video recording app on her phone. Before I could react, she immediately began running back toward Melanie's containment cube.

"Mwhahahahaha just wait until Melanie hears about this! Oh, Melanie!!!!"

"What the fuck, were you recording just now? Wait no Paula, Paula!"

-1 impromptu transition later-

Ned: ALRIGHT EVERYONE CONGRATS, WE HAVE NOW OFFICIALLY REACHED THE HALF WAY POINT TRIAL OF ULTMATE SILLY HUMANS. 7 TEAMS REMAIN SO FROM NOW ON ONLY 1 TEAM WILL BE ELIMINATED FROM EACH ROUND.

Xavier: Wait will…

Ned: NO TEAMS WILL BE COMING BACK ON TO THE SHOW. WHAT THE FUCK THAT'S SO STUPID WE BLEW UP THEIR LITERAL PLANET.

Xavier: That just sounds like lazy writing.

Ned: FUCK YOU DIPSHIT, YOU TRY DIRECTING THIS SHIT THEN. HONESTLY, I'M STILL UNDERPAID.

Xavier: I'm good.

Melanie: Can I direct the…

Xavier, Paula, and Ned in unison: NO!

Melanie: Wow! This is oppression! I'll have you know…

Ned: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT, SO THE CHALLENGE TODAY IS DEBATES.

Paula: …

Melanie: …

Fiona: …

Xavier: … boring

Ned: WOAH WOAH THERE IS NOTHING WRONG ABOUT AN INTELLECTUAL BATTLE OF WITS, IF ANYTHING THEY ARE AS FUN AS A BATTLE OF PHYSICAL COMBAT.

Xavier: For nerds maybe!

Paula: Nah Ned's right, nothing wrong with being a nerd and engaging in an intellectual battle of wits. There is no need for such brutish ways when more peaceful ones will do. I even consider myself a nerd.

Xavier: Paula you sell crack for a living.

Paula: And a dedication to being a nerd and intellectual conversation I still have. These things are not in fact, mutually exclusive.

Ned: ALRIGHT SO NOW WE WILL BE BRINGING OUT PLASTIC CARDS WITH DEBATE TOPICS ON THEM. EACH TEAM WILL HAVE THEIR MEMBERS ENGAGE IN A ONE-ON-ONE DEBATE WITH A RANDOM MEMBER OF ANOTHER TEAM DEBATING THE SAME TOPIC ON THE CARD THEY RECEIVED.

A FEW MORE RULES, 1. NO TRADING CARDS, 2. THE DEBATE STARTS WITH ONE OF THE SIDES STATING THEIR POSITION ON THE DEBATE TOPIC. THE OTHER SIDE THEN CAN DECIDE TO AGREE WITH THE POSITION RESULTING IN A ½ POINT DRAW, OR THEY DISAGREE AND 5 MINUTES OF OPEN DISCUSSION COMMENCES. AT THE END OF THAT THE TV AUDIENCE WILL VOTE FOR WHO THEY THINK WON THE DEBATE. THE WINNER GETS 1 POINT, THE LOSER RECEIVES 0 POINTS. THE TEAM WITH THE LOWEST POINTS AT THE END OF ALL DEBATES WILL HAVE THEIR PLANET DESTROYED. EACH TEAM IS ALSO NOT ALLOWED TO USE THE AGREE WITH POSITION MOVE MORE THAN 2 TIMES, THIS IS TO AVOID TEAMS CHOOSING TO DRAW EVERY TIME.

Paula: So in other words, we must preordain the positions of every member of our team and create a tree function of possible outcomes and positions of the other team. Very interesting, it appears this is not just a battle of wits, but a battle of macro strategies as well. In that case…

Tiki-mask alien: "Alright Paula this is yours."

He handed her a card.

Paula: What!? I swear if my opponent says water types are superior, we're going to have problems.

Fiona: Spoons vs. Forks

Xavier: Huh?

Fiona: My topic is whether spoons or forks are better utensils.

Xavier: Well, what do you think?

Fiona: Pretty close.

I looked over at Melanie who had a gleeful smile as she looked at her topic. Honestly, I couldn't even begin to imagine the horrors on that slip.

Xavier: Melanie do I want to know?

Melanie: Nope! I want this to be a surprise!

Xavier: Meh, whatever I'll just cover my ears.

Tiki mask alien: And finally yours Mr. Xavier.

I looked at the paper and blinked twice at the question.

"Who is the greatest basketball player of all time?"

"Well, that's obvious,"

And it was.

"It's LeBron."

Ned: NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO LET'S BEGIN THE DEBATES. FIRST UP WILL BE XAVSHIT FROM TEAM 14, AND BILLY MOBIUS OF TEAM 24 DISCUSSING… WHO IS THE GREATEST BASKETBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME?

Xavier: This is so rigged…

I could already see the stupid grin forming on Melanie's face.

Melanie: So Xavier… you're going to talk with Billy about who's the best at handling balls, penetrating the lanes, and D-ing up the other team? Hehhehhehhehheh.

Xavier: I'm just going to ignore that.

As I did, Billy suddenly walked up in front of me.

Billy: So… it has come down to this once again! Prepare yourself eternal rival for…

Xavier: Yeah yeah, let's just get this over with.

The place where the square cement battleground had been 2 days ago was replaced instead by sandy grounds. In the middle of the sand appeared a single long oval desk with 2 seats that a couple of tiki mask aliens led me and Billy to sit down in.

Ned: ALRIGHT, SO FOR THIS TOPIC, XAVSHIT, YOU MAY STATE YOUR POSITION FIRST THEN BILLY CAN CHOOSE TO AGREE OR DISAGREE. GO AHEAD.

Xavier: Uhhh… alright. I think the greatest basketball player of all time is LeBron James.

Billy: WHAT!

I turned to face Billy whose face was red from anger as he glared at me.

Ned: ALRIGHT… I TAKE IT THAT MEANS…

Billy: I disagree! And to be honest, I thought you to be a gentleman and a scholar Mr. Xavier, but I see now you are nothing but a fool!

Xavier: What's wrong with LeBron?

Billy: Is… is that a serious question?

Xavier: Yeah I mean, the all-time points leader, 4 titles, 10 trips to the finals. Those seem pretty good if you ask me.

Billy: Urgh…

He face palmed before looking at me again with an irritated expression.

Billy: Tell me fool… hath though ever heard the tragedies of the 2011 finals when the so-called "chosen one" LeBum James became nothing more than the frozen one? It is not a tale the LeBron stans would tell you.

Xavier: I'm literally from Miami.

Billy: Then thou cannot be objective on such a matter!

Xavier: But…

Billy: And to dare utter the false king James within the same breath as the legacy that is his Airness. Hath, thou truly lost thy mind? Do you understand what it means to go… 6 for 6?!?

Xavier: Sure but wouldn't making the finals 10 times be better? It should be as impressive that LeBron was able to make the finals 4 times, especially with some of those awful Cavs teams.

Billy: Ringz Xavier! Does thou not understand the wise words of one sir Shaquille O`Neil you infidel? Ringz!

Xavier: But…

Ned: ALRIGHT YOUR TIME IS UP. AUDIENCE YOU HAVE 5 MINUTES TO VOTE FOR… WHO AM I KIDDING? BILLY YOU WIN THIS ROUND.

Xavier: What! But…

Paula: Man what a casual.

Xavier: No no, but LeBronto, the chase down block…

Fiona: Definitely casual.

Xavier: I just think it comes down to what you want from a player you know. We also have to look at off the court and when we compare those feats…

Melanie: Casual.

Xavier: Okay, there is no way you have watched a single basketball game in your life, Melanie.

Melanie: Of course I have! And I can say for certain your argument was invisible like Kuroko!

Xavier: … "Slam Dunk" is better.

Ned: DESPITE THAT CORRECT TAKE, YOU ARE STILL THE LOSER OF THIS ROUND AS IT WILL BE BILLY WINNING 1 POINT FOR TEAM 24 WITH 95% OF THE VOTES

Xavier: Okay I mean sure I can see the viewpoints of people who think it's Jordan. I just think it's a nuanced argument on what someone prefers you know? It's not clear cut and dry because I still think factoring longevity…

Ned: 6 AND 0 XAVSHIT. CASE CLOSED.

Xavier: But…

Ned: ALRIGHT NEXT UP WE HAVE FROM PLANET 4, FIONA, AND FROM PLANET 6, THE ALL GUYS PLANET, LAWRENCE.

Melanie: What! Not fair, that should be me!

Xavier: Okay I feel like these polls are rigged, if surveyed random young people on the street…

Fiona: Shush casual.

She looked at me deadpan before being led by a tiki-masked alien into the center debate table.

Ned: OKAY HOPEFULLY THIS ONE WILL BE LESS ONE SIDED THAN THE PREVIOUS DEBATE. TODAY LAWRENCE AND FIONA WILL BE ARGUING ABOUT WHAT IS THE MORE USEFUL UTENSIL. FORKS OR SPOONS. SINCE TEAM 14 WAS THE ONE STATING THEIR SIDE LAST TIME, FIONA WILL BE THE ONE TO RESPOND WHICH MEANS LAWRENCE, IT IS YOU WHO MUST STATE A POSITION.

Lawrence: Er... alright I'll take spoons over forks.

Ned: AN INTERESTING CHOICE, ALRIGHT FIONA DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

Fiona: Agree

Melanie: ...

Paula: ...

Xavier: ...

Ned: VERY WELL, THAT IS THE END OF THE ROUND YOU EACH RECEIVE HALF A POINT.

Fiona: Thank you

Xavier: Wow, how will you even make up the airtime if for some of the segments people just agree?

Ned: AND ALRIGHT, SILLY HUMANS WILL NOW BE TAKING A SHORT BREAK. DURING THAT TIME A QUICK MESSAGE FROM YOUR LOCAL VPN SPONSOR.

Paula: Like that... speaking of which we're going to do a line break as well to get past the filler character debates.

Xavier:

-Some X amount of debates later-

Ned: AND ALRIGHT, THAT'S A HALF POINT FOR TEAM 4, AND A HALF POINT FOR TEAM 8.

Paula: Yeah, everyone knows fire types are for sure the best.

Xavier: Only 1 round left. I looked anxiously at Melanie who was suspiciously quiet not wanting to show us her prompt still. I had observed her long enough at this point to know this smelled of trouble. The longer the silence, the larger the relapse. Still, I couldn't care much about that now. As the rankings stood, we were tied in last still with 1 point with Team 15, whose final member will debate Melanie in the final round. In other words, it's a do-or-die final round. If the two of them decided to agree well... I'm not sure. Ned never really specified the rules. Maybe we'd flip a coin or something. In any case, we couldn't lose, and only maybe draw.

Ned: IF YOU DRAW YOU WILL BE DEBATING THE TROLLEY PROBLEM AS A TEAM.

Xavier: What the... did you just read my thoughts?

Ned: NO DIPSHIT, YOU WERE TALKING OUTLOUD JUST NOW. ANYWAYS, PLEASE STEP UP TO THE STAGE MELANIE FROM PLANET 14 AND STEPHANIE FROM PLANET 15. YOU TWO WILL BE DEBATING... WAIT WHAT? THIS IS THEIR PROMPT!?!? WHO APPROVED THIS? WAIT THIS IS JUST FOR THE SHOW RIGHT? YOU CAN'T SERIOUSLY?!?! WAIT WHAT! FATHER? WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S A SERIOUS PROPOSITION?! WAIT HOLD ON LET GO LET...

I had no idea what was going on as rumbling noises came from the intercom. All I knew was when I looked at the debate table and saw Melanie's shit-eating grin, I needed to brace myself for an apocalyptic-type event.

"AHEM... SORRY ABOUT THAT."

Coming from the intercom was a voice that sounded extremely similar to Ned's only slightly deeper and old man sounding.

"LITTLE OLE NED HERE HAS BEEN SPENDING ALL HIS SALARY ON GATCHA GAME ROLLS AGAIN. HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO BE TAKING SOME FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY CLASSES BEFORE WE CAN LET HIM CONTINUE THE SHOW. THEREFORE, MELANIE DEAR, WHY DON'T YOU READ WHAT YOUR PROMPT SAYS?"

Melanie: No problem Ned's dad!

As she said that, a mic stand suddenly popped up from under the ground in front of her.

Melanie: So the prompt that will be debated today is: Should Melanie Suwi of Planet 4 take over as host for Ned on Ultimate Silly Humans?

Ned's Dad: AND THIS DEBATE WILL LITERALLY DECIDE WHETHER THAT HAPPENS OR NOT.

-20 Minutes later-

Ned's Dad: AND THAT CONCLUDES THE DEBATE ON WHETHER OR NOT MELANIE SUWI SHOULD BE THE HOST OF ULTIMATE SILLY HUMANS IN NED'S ABSENCE!

Stephanie: But I didn't even get to talk. Or state my position. To be honest I was going to...

Ned's Dad: ALRIGHT MELANIE CONGRATULATIONS. FROM NOW ON UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE YOU WILL BE THE HOST OF ULTIMATE SILLY HUMANS AND DECIDE ALL THE TRIAL PROMPTS! THE TIKI-MASKED FELLOW THERE WILL LEAD YOU TO NED'S INTERCOM PLACE. HIS NAME IS STEWART BY THE WAY. NED REALLY OUGHTA GET TO KNOW HIS EMPLOYEES' NAMES.

Melanie: Woooo! Alright coming right up!

Ned's Dad: OH YEAH ALSO SORRY PLANET 15. YOUR PLANET WILL NOW BE BLOWN UP BECAUSE YOU ARE FILLER CHARACTERS WHO DON'T MATTER.

Stephanie: But...

As the alien led Melanie down a set of stairs that appeared suddenly in front of her, a thousand thoughts began forming in my mind. I turned to Paula who had a similar 1000-yard stare.

Xavier: We won, but at what cost?

Paula: This... this is bad.

Xavier: Yeah... what do you think is even going to happen?

Paula: I don't know but, oh god no...

Xavier: What is it? How bad could this be? I feel like we've survived the worst of Melanie's BL tendencies.

Fiona: Stockholm Syndrome.

Melanie: HELLLLLLLO EVERYONE!!!!!!

The crowd of tiki-masked aliens cheered as Melanie's voice came onto the telecom

Melanie: FROM NOW ON I WILL BE YOUR NEW HOST... MERUHI SUWIMIYA

Xavier: ... did she just combine her own name with an anime character? That's so cringe.

Paula: First of all Xavcringe you secretly like it. Second, I don't think you understand, this is bad, really bad. Do you know who Haruhi Suzumiya is? Why she is still relevant today despite her show airing a decade and a half ago?

Xavier: What? I don't know, isn't she the girl that made school animes popular? I guess she also had an attractive bunny suit too.

Fiona: Sexist.

Xavier: What? How? I just thought her outfit looked particularly nice. Nothing wrong with that.

Paula: No Xavsoginist, you're missing the point. Whether her outfit looked nice or not is irrelevant to the question I asked about where her relevance came from. You are thinking from a strictly male perspective and exhibiting what 20th-century feminist writers would call the male gaze. Now instead of this patriarchal perspective, think of Haruhi as the subject or in modern terms, the self-insert for women. Now tell me Xavier... assuming you actually watched the show and not just R34 content, why do you think Haruhi is a popular self-insert choice amongst girls?

My eyes widened at the realization. How could I be so blind to the truth?

Xavier: They want to play God.

Paula: Precisely. And what Xavier, do you think she'll make you... and all of us do during her trials as God?

Melanie: MWHAHAHAAHHAHAAHA. ENJOYERS OF BL EVERYWHERE REJOICE. FOR STARTING TOMORROW I ALREADY HAVE STEAMY NSFW CHALLENGES READY MWHAHAHAHAHA. WHO WANTS A MAKING-OUT TRIAL?

The crowd broke out in an almost even split of cheers and groans at Melanie's announcement. As for me, tears began forming in my eyes as I collapsed onto my knees.

Xavier: How... how did this happen. Where did I go wrong? Was it just one thing? Was it many things? Just... what have I become? What will I become?

Paula: Whelp prepare for many more years of this Xavstuck. This was the inevitable progression of things, to be honest.

Xavier: What?

Paula: Yeah I mean that's just what happens when you date someone like Melanie... she's always going to try and play God in your life.

Xavier: *pulls out religious items of whatever religion you believe in for good luck*