Chapter 4: What Are You? A Degenerate Sandwich?  

"How…. How…"

I looked up at Fiona who still had a blank expression as we spoke.

"Fiona, what did you do?"

"Inverse."

"Huh?"

She continued to stare at me with a blank expression

"Paula told me to inverse her. She realized it was the only way."

"But why did she have to overdose to achieve that?"

"Your true thoughts only show before death."

"I… I see."

"ALRIGHT, AND THAT'S ALL THE TIME TODAY. TEAM 2, 5, 27, YOU HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED! THE REST OF YOU WE WILL PROVIDE A HOLE FOR YOU TO JUMP INTO TO RETURN TO YOUR ISLAND."

"Wait but… Paula? Should we do something or?"

"SHE'LL BE FINE."

"But…"

-2 days later-

Ned: ALRIGHT DIPSHITS IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER TRIAL.

Xavier: What already? Isn't that too abrupt what happened in the break in between? What happened to Paula?

Paula: I'm good. Just needed to see Nurse Joy.

Ned: WELL DIPSHIT. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO RELIVE THE PAST TWO DAYS, WHY DON'T YOU ASK MELANIE WHAT SHE'S BEEN DOING? AFTER YOU DO THAT I WILL FORMULATE THE HOLE FOR YOU TO JUMP INTO TO GET TO THE TRIAL.

Xavier: Uhhh alright, so Melanie…

As I looked at Melanie however, a cold sweat dripped down my neck as I was struck with the first time in a long time… true horror.

Xavier: Mel… Melanie, where did you get that?

In the young degenerate's hands was a book with the most terrifying of titles: "Top 20 BL stories in the Universe; includes fanfic and original stories."

Melanie: Huh don't you remember? I won this through intense negotiations with Ned!

Ned: PLEASE DON'T TALK SMACK ABOUT ME TO YOUR FANFIC AUDIENCE. THAT COMMUNITY IS A LOT BIGGER THAN I THOUGHT.

Melanie: That's because what I create is true art! Just like this story here about a certain blonde ninja seeing his eternal rival in secret mwhaahahaahaha.

Xavier: Okay okay! Ned make that hole! I want to jump off a cliff.

-10 minutes later at the arena-

Ned: ALRIGHT SO, SINCE I ALREADY EXPLAINED WHAT THE TRIAL IS BEFOREHAND AND WE'RE LIMITED ON TIME THIS WEEK AND THE AUDIENCE KNOWS ALREADY, I'M JUST GOING TO START THE TIMER NOW TEAMS. PRESS THE BUTTON ON YOUR REMOTE WHEN YOU'RE READY. ALRIGHT START.

Xavier: Wait what?!? But you didn't actually explain yet.

Fiona: It was explained during the skipped 2 days in between when Melanie didn't spend much time talking to us and was just reading on her own. I only broke her out of genjutsu by telling her the topic of the next challenge which she actually had an interest in.

Xavier: Fiona why are you speaking like that?

I gasped as I looked over at Fiona. In her hand was a legendary item; a maple syrup bottle.

Xavier: Where did you get that?

Fiona: I also negotiated with Ned by saying I was going to call Canada mid on galaxy television.

Xavier: Uh huh…

Fiona: Anyways, like I stated before Melanie is also very interested in this challenge! She even has the remote Ned gave her. Take it away Melanie!

Melanie, who was sitting on the ground still reading her book, suddenly stood back up and walked next to Fiona with a smile and remote in her hand.

"That's right Fiona! Because today's topic is..."

She pressed a button on the remote and suddenly out from the ground popped...

"A kitchen?"

"Correct Xavier, we are going full Gordon Ramsey with today's challenge. We got here today 2 pounds of ground beef straight from the supermarket, a bag of carrots, a bag of potatoes, a bag of rice, 2 bags of corn, 6 eggs, various other meats. And what else Fiona?"

"Thank you, Melanie. So, we have today also a few spices and sauces."

Melanie pressed another button and in front of Fiona too suddenly popped a table from the ground with various containers of spices and sauces.

"Okay, so we got hear uh... vinegar, soy sauce, shoyu,"

"Shoyu is another word for soy sauce."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"I'm going to check on that later! Anyways, we also got some oyster sauce. I know what that tastes like for some of you heh heh heh. Finally, we got salt, black pepper, basil, and magic salt? Melanie, what does this do?"

"Huh wait let me see that."

Melanie went over to inspect the "magic salt" that Fiona picked up.

"Magic salt, this salt is just regular salt that was dyed grey and used as a marketing scheme. Its name is meaningless; it's basically just regular salt."

"Huh... well I guess it worked, we have magic salt!"

"Yep! And we have olive oil, canola oil, vegetable oil, and uh... some cilantro, they said all the judges were fine with that right?"

"Yes, indeed they did Fiona."

"Good good, so anyways, now let's do the team assignments for this 1-hour cooking special. Xavier, you will be making the side dish with Melanie. Melanie, can you contain your narrative urges with this one?"

Melanie rolled her eyes.

"Yeah yeah, he'll just be my dog for the day."

"What? I didn't ask for this."

"Grrrr"

She glared at me angrily. As she did, I imagined the unleashed BL horror she may start ranting on about thus forcing me to obey her completely.

"Wait but that means!"

Paula ran over to Fiona ready to embrace her for a hug.

"I get to be..."

In one swift move, Fiona took Paula's arm and pinned her down onto the ground.

"You get to work with me today."

"But does that mean..."

"But only as my mute dog, or else I'm working alone got it!"

"Woof woof!"

"I said mute!"

"..."

"Good. God damn, alright, dog, can you fetch the pepper?"

"Woof,"

"Silently!"

"..."

"Good."

While the abuse continued on the other side of the kitchen, Melanie began to deploy instructions on our side.

"Alright Lieutenant, I hope you are happy because you have been lucky enough to be assigned... no... chosen to be my underling for this operation."

"Right, and who are you supposed to be?"

"My name is Melanie Suwi, chef extraordinaire!"

She made a pose while wearing a chef hat and apron.

"Where did you get those? And what happened to survival extraordinaire?"

"I can be extraordinary at many things silly... keep up!"

"Uhhhh yes Captain Suwi, yes ma'am."

"That's Captain Sanji to you Mr.! You're going to be Zoro for today."

"Wait no Melanie, we can't do that. I literally have never seen One Piece. And I am not researching a crack ship just for one trial."

"What!"

"Yeah, it's 1000 episodes so..."

"Commitment issues!"

"No... I don't think..."

"Whatever fine, you watch Black Butler?"

"No..."

"Free?"

"No..."

"Neon Genesis!?!"

"Uhh yeah, actually that one was pretty good because..."

"OMG, Kaworu and Shinji were the otp all along!"

"No no kidding kidding, never seen Neon Genesis! Ahahahahahahah."

"Damn you normie, suggest a show then."

"I don't know, Shokugeki seems appropriate"

"Wtf you horny pervert."

"What! It's literally a cooking show that just happens to have fan service. It's def plot relevant."

"Whatever, just go back to Naruto then, I'll be uh... that ramen dude trying to teach you how to make ramen."

"Okay, why do we have to roleplay fictional characters again?"

"Fine, whatever! Okay, today, I will pretend to be the head chef grandfather guy from that documentary "Jiro Dreams of Sushi," that seems pretty fair. I think his name is Jiro. And you are thus then my son."

"What, that's not accurate though."

"Why?"

"How can we be so sure you'll even be a better cook than me? Hmm...? It's not as if either of our cooking skills have ever been displayed!"

"What! I'll have you know back in my city with my rich dad they called me the girl with the God's tongue!"

"... so you did watch Shokugeki!"

"Yeah, ironically..."

"My ass, you definitely are a pervert too."

"It's not my fault they drew Souma's dad to be so hot."

"Melanie, what the fuck."

"And that upperclassman guy! Ishiki or something who's always naked and has a six-pack. He's pretty hot"

"Is that all that matters?!?"

"For a show like Shokugeki, to your kind it does you pervert!"

As she said those words, a couple of observers looked at them from a distance.

Fiona: What do you think dog, you think we should stop their trance? They haven't actually started making any side dish yet.

Paula: *shakes her head*

Fiona: Yeah, it is quality content isn't it? Alright, we'll just make both dishes then. Panda Express-Esq meals are always a smash hit using this secret ingredient Ned gave us. MSG. Mwhahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Paula: *nods obediently*

Fiona: Fetch boy, get the MSG, Mommy's got broccoli beef to make.

- 2 hours later -

Ned: AND NOW THE RANKINGS OF TODAY'S SILLY HUMAN TRIALS IN ORDER WITH THE LAST 4 TEAMS ELIMINATED. IN FIRST PLACE... PANDA EXPRESS RIPOFF BY FIONA AND CREW WHERE THE DELICIOUS DISHES OF BROCCOLI BEEF AND ORANGE CHICKEN WERE... OKAY GUYS PANDA EXPRESS WILL DEFINITELY SUE US ARE YOU DUMB. YOU CAN'T JUST... WHATEVER, IT REALLY IS ALL JUST MSG THAT MATTERS. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS IN THAT STUFF IT'S SO ADDICTING. IS THAT MAGIC SALT YOU GUYS ADDED TOO?

Fiona: Never doubted it.

Melanie: No but that's not why Shirou is popular in Fate, sure he can cook, but look at which versions of him are more popular with fans. His younger immature version, or older..."

Xavier: Melanie no! We are not allowed to say spoilers. That's a big nono with the internet community.

Melanie: I don't care! In that case, Sakusasu isn't canon!"

Xavier: Wait no... that's not what I meant.

Paula: Woof woof!