Would You Like Some Skewers?

My brilliant plan worked! A path cleared, as the women backed away and went silent in awe of my presence.

"Lies! They're giving us the dirtiest looks! That one just gestured a death threat at us by cutting her neck! You're treading on a dangerous path Number One! Why are you messing with those crazed fanatics?!"

I mischievously chuckled, "he, he, he." Soon my dear Number Two would find out.

The gleams of the glittering jewels all over the palanquin were now in sight. My prize was right before my eyes. I had to pry a handful of them before they entered the sect.

"Wait. You want to pry what, Number One?!! You're mad! Utterly mad! I take no part of your death wish!"

Death wish? No, no, no. I only wished to permanently borrow some jewels. The Son of Heaven had so many. My compliments were not cheap. I was entitled to proper payment.

To make it a fair exchange, I gave some more compliments while moving through the complaining crowd, moving gradually closer to the jewels. "Gonk! I love you!"

"…"

I had to act fast. All hope would be lost once the palanquin entered the sect. I knew deep down Number Two thought I was pretty ballsy. Expertly, I infiltrated my way to the palanquin. I skipped my way past the bewildered guards.

"Expert infiltration? With your pansy skipping? You've been spewing nothing but lies! I knew you were up to something no good! Stop your foolishness, Number One! This is a bad idea!"

I ignored Number Two. I fed him his snack, so now it was my time to eat. And no, I'm not eating Gonk. I preferred women, but I wasn't like the judgemental obsessed fangirls. I respected peoples' choices. Love whoever you want to! Sugar daddy, I only love your money!

I had to act faster if I didn't want to be killed by the mob of angry women. The bloodlust coming off some of these women cultivators put heavy pressure on my shoulders. I decided to clear up some of the misunderstanding, so I winked at the crowd and expressed my real intentions to them.

"I'm not going to steal him ok?" I think I quelled the crowd? Or maybe I made them more angry.

Number Two had to add his unneeded additional comments in my head. "You want the jewels he's sitting on! You tricked me!"

The way Number Two put it just sounded wrong. I didn't want his jewels. I didn't care at all about the Son of Heaven. I wanted the jewels plastered all over that palanquin. I wondered if he would gift it to me as I skipped forward.

Looking at the golden-haired handsome man, the heavens were unfair. Look at that bastard. They gave him everything! Nice robes, flashy palanquin, babes throwing themselves at him, and he was also handsome and powerful. The heavens really only cared for their own. They only blessed their son and no one else. I want to file a complaint against them and get them fired. A lawsuit for equal treatment was long overdue for ugly people like me. But not right now.

Close enough to the palanquin now, I was aggrieved by how much more handsome he was close up. But it seemed I was not the only one angry.

Gonk's surprised look soon warped into anger. Why did him scowling make him look sexier? How does that work!? Curse you heavens, this is unfair!

The death glare given from his smoldering eyes made the women swoon! But they gave me a good idea.

I swooned too! Right into the side of the bejeweled palanquin.

I ripped one handful of jewels from the side of the palanquin and tossed them in my ring of holding. I pondered how I should get more.

The nagging voice of reason spoke in my head, "that's enough already, Number One! Let's get out of here! Not only will the women kill you, but the Son of Heaven will too!"

I knew Number Two's complaints were right, but I was already so close. I still had more of Number Two's skewers on my other hand. Now it was my turn to get what I wanted. I got up, looking at the shiny jewels and placed my hand on them. I needed to buy a little time to pry the jewels off. I continued my act, playing charades as one of Gonk's fangirls.

"Oh Son of Heaven! You're so handsome!" While flattering Gonk, I ripped off some jewels and put them in my ring. Just a few more… Again comes the voice of reason in my head.

"Number One! You better get out of here! He's shooting lightning from his eyes!"

Number Two was right. He was telling the truth. Literally, sparks of lightning flashed out of his eyes. A massive pressure weighed heavily on my shoulder. Gonk's silver qi raged out as it manifested itself around him.

Now, I was way over my head. I didn't know what to do, so I'll let Number Two handle the situation. Speaking inside my head, I spoke to Number Two.

"Okay Number Two. I'm switching out."

"What the?"

***

That sneaky bastard Number One swapped me in! I was now in control. I was in a precarious situation. Always making me deal with the difficult stuff and running away. How very like Number One.

"No time for a monologue, Number Two! Do something!"

"You swapped me in like this, Number One! what am I I supposed to do?"

The rippling waves of qi pushing me back indicated the unpleasant moments to come.

"Holy shit! Gonk is furious, Number One! You greedy bastard! You made the mess! You figure it out!"

"We're going to die! Do something, Number Two!"

"You owe me for this, Number One!"

I needed to run away, but how? I had nothing, but the skewers of meat in my hand. That bastard Number One! We only ate one of the five skewers! I enjoyed one, and then he ran off to steal the jewels. But how was I supposed to quell the situation?

I had to distract everyone. I pointed away from the exit of the city, which was not too far from where we stood.

"Oh my gods! Everyone, look! It's the Sentient Beasts!"

The heavy pressure lifted as Gonk and the surrounding crowd of women and men became alert at the direction I pointed. I took advantage of their distracted attention and swiftly ran away from them, heading towards the gates of the city exit.

I thought I was safe as I ran past the guarded gates, but the thundering voice behind me made me aware I was not.

"You dare lie and mock me, the Son of Heaven! Prepare to be punished! Prepare to die!"

Number One's pestering voice spoke in my head. "Why did you mock him, Number Two!? Now he's chasing us!"

I was dumbfounded by the shameless lies of Number One, and replied back to him by shouting in my head.

"When did I ever insult Gonk? When?! Did you hear me say a word to him?! You offended him, Number One! You and Gonk must be related. You're both hearing things I didn't say!"

That idiot Number One knew I was right. He shut up and couldn't retort.

"You wanna go at it right now, Number Two?!"

I ignored the loser in my head, trying to pick a fight. I had other problems to deal with.

"Yea. Gonk. What are you going to do?!"

"It's your turn to shut up and just watch me!"

With Number One silent, I focused on running. There was one place all humans, cultivator or not, would never go. That place was my only hope for survival.

I knew Number One couldn't keep his mouth shut. He complained in my head.

"No. No! That's madness?! Did those crazed fanatics rub off on you, Number Two?. Even they wouldn't dare go there! Switch me back! I don't want to die yet!"

"This is madness? You were acting as one of Gonk's fangirls! Who forced me to do this? You Number One! I warned you of your death wish! Since either way we're going to die, shut up and let me focus!"

I madly sprinted for my life to the Carnigan Forest. The forbidden area was home to the dreaded Sentient Beasts. I was actually not going to go into their territory. There was a neutral zone between Hond City, where I lived, and Carnigan Forest of the Sentient Beasts. The neutral zone was called the Alley of Death. An appropriate name, as usually both sides fought death battles in the area. My intention was to get far enough to scare and stop the Son of Heaven from pursuing me.

However, my escape was not working. Gonk was obviously faster than I was, seeing how he was a real cultivator. The dense vegetation on the floor brushed and cut my skin, but I had no time to be careful.

He was hot on my tail, almost within reach of me. I ran past the large ancient trees, blocking out most of the sky. I had no time to see where I was running. I looked behind me and Gonk's large calloused hand almost gripped my shoulder.

By luck, I looked back and dodged his hand. I dashed forward and out to a clearing, only to dread. The flat clearing led to the bottom of a straight vertical cliff, piercing into the sky. I could no longer escape. I turned around and slowly backed into the walls of the cliff.

Gonk cracked his knuckles.

His once handsome and refined demeanor was gone, replaced with disheveled clothes and a handsome but evil grin. Seeing the skewers still in my hand, I offered them as a sign of surrender and hoped for a lighter beating.

"Um. Would you like a skewer? Your mightiness?"