CHAPTER 54

I have not entered Gray's hospital ward till today; I am not finding enough courage. I would try to get his glimpse through the glass of his ward, and that's it. Till today, I was not able to see his face through the glass. While returning, I would always end up having an unknown ache.

After visiting Gray, I would avoid going to Ed's ward for at least a few hours because of the many emotions that would be surging within me, and these days they were not in my control. I always end up on a hospital rooftop, watching nothing in particular.

I wanted to question so many things, but I was not sure where to start. I wanted answers for many things if I dared to question myself. I feel dread to face the facts or the reality. I was okay with masking myself and being aloof from everything. I was okay with ignoring the things. I was okay with how I was, and I was disguising myself successfully. I was ok; at least I was thinking everything was ok until every fucking thing messed up without my knowledge because of my action.

Am I responsible for everything? Am I? Why should my actions harm others? Why didn't it target me? Here I am standing physically strong without any scratch, and two people are in the hospital ward because of me. Why? My life and my actions didn't target me. Why didn't Ed believe in my words and take this extreme step? What the hell are they talking about? My fucking act that led things to this level was beyond me.

After a few days, Ed was discharged from the hospital. It took so much effort to make him agree to stay with us in our mansion.

Thomas and my dad are not interfering in the company matters for the time being, and the work burden was higher. Nothing stopped me from getting updates on Gray's condition; I was calling the doctor daily and asking for updates.

It's been ten days, and Ed's wounds were recovered; physically, he was okay, not mentally. Always, he was in his own world, which pushed us into worry. "You should talk to Ed. His state is getting worse, and he is not responding in sessions with the psychiatrist. The doctor called us, and Thomas was worried like hell. I and my dad tried to talk to him, and yeah, no positive result. Talk to him, please." "Yeah, I will. I was busy with company matters, and I should give more time to him. Ok, let me talk to him."

I was outside Ed's room and paused myself before entering. Ed was facing the window in a gloomy state. He is getting worse. By clearing my throat, I entered his room. He took notice of me but didn't take his eyes off the window.

"Ed How are you feeling?" "Good. Don't treat me as fucking fragile. I am good." "Yeah, physically, you look okay. Ed, you are awfully quiet." "I can't help it. I am taking my time to cope with everything; it's not wrong." "It's not, but you can talk to us or to the doctor. You have gone through so much that it has affected your mind, and you need to speak up. You should recover mentally." "I am taking sessions." "But you are not responding." "Were you there with me? Don't fucking believe in the doctor's word." "Do you want me to accompany you?" "Your wish." ÖK from next time, I will accompany you for every session, ok?" "Ok." Again, he was facing the window.

"Ed." "Is there anything, Josh?" "I am free today; shall we go outside, like shopping or outing anything?" "I don't know. I am not in a mood; maybe next time." "You can't always be stuck in your room, right?" "Let me till I want to, and nothing wrong with sticking over here than getting attached." "Ed." "You are busy; don't waste your time on me. You should get going." "Ed, stop avoiding me, please. We are staying under the same roof, but you are always successful in avoiding me." "For my sake, Josh and I don't want to hurt others." "Will you stop blaming yourself?" "Gray is in a fucking coma because of me and my impulsive act." I was shocked to hear this. How on earth was he keeping tabs on Gray's condition? "How did you come to know?" "Don't fucking treat me like an idiot. If you guys hadn't informed me, I wouldn't have learned about his condition. For fuck's sake, I am a businessman with bloody connections." "We thought it was better that way." "You must be hating me more, right?" "Ed, why would you think that? No, I am not." "Yeah right." "Trust me, no one is blaming you. We have spoken to the doctor, and he will wake up soon." "That's good, and I heard the same thing." "Shall we go? You need fresh air." "Josh, how much do you value me?" "What do you mean?" "How much do you value me?" "More than anything. I am willing to do anything to get old Ed back to me." "Please think before you say such things." "You know me; I never lie to you. You mean a lot. Ed, trust me. I am not willing to lose you, not in this life." "Josh, can you promise me something?" "What is it?" "Please don't visit Gray. Can you do that?" I was stunned. That's secondary; I have not entered his ward, not finding enough guts. I was making up my mind daily to see Gray's face rather than getting his glimpse from outside of his ward. Is he mad? I was staring at him without uttering a word. A simple word like 'ok'—I don't think I can say that, and how the hell am I going to keep my word? "I know I am heartless and should not expect something like this at this moment, but Josh, you will change. You will always change whenever Gray is in the picture. Your whole persona will change. I don't want that to happen anymore. Can you, Josh?" I wanted to shout at him and reply, no, no, no, that was not going to happen, but those words stuck in my throat. Ed's worsening condition is making me give it some thought, but can I keep my promise? "You can't, right, Josh? It's ok, I won't force you." Barely sounding I replied, and I couldn't believe myself when those words left. "Ok." "What?" "I won't, I promise." 

Ed was very happy after hearing those words. Tears were flowing from his eyes, and he gave me a tight hug, which was suffocation. I was not getting exactly what was suffocating. "Thank you, and this is going to be my last try." "What do you mean?" "Nothing, Josh, nothing. We should get going." By nodding my head, I was following him. By hearing a simple word, he became energetic, and when the simple word left my mouth, I felt bizarre.

I was bottling up things. I was going with the flow, but something was kicking inside me, trying to caution me about what I was not getting.

I can't neglect Ed and his condition, which is worsening day by day, but these unusual feelings are getting deeper and deeper.

We went shopping; for a few hours, we strolled nearby places, and after that, we went to a restaurant. Ed was lively, and I was not sure how to react to his sudden change of behavior. There was a sign of relief within me, and I don't think anything anymore matters now; if he gets better, that's more than enough. "We should do this more." "Yeah, we should, but you are busy, and it's ok. Occasionally, we can do this." "No, I will find time from now on. You are my priority." "Thanks for this. I don't know. I am feeling really happy today." "Don't talk like an idiot. What with thanks? I want old Ed back; that's all I am asking from you." "I will do my best." "I will always help you with that." A chuckle escaped from Ed, and upon seeing that, a smile appeared on my face. It felt like everything vanished temporarily. It was a strange relief.

I started accompanying Ed to his therapy sessions, and every session was going well. He answered every question without hesitating or hiding. Whenever a question was regarding me, he would always be facing me while answering the same question, showing he meant every word. He laughed, cried, and became emotional and sad, whenever I was soothing his back and holding his hand. He would always come back to normal. In these sessions, I learned more about Ed, of which I had no idea.

It's been a few months, and Ed has improved a lot, both physically and mentally. He started giving occasional visits to his company. My dad didn't let Ed and Thomas move back to their house, and our persistence made them give up. I indulged more in the company and improved it. I was way busier than before, but I would always find time to call the doctor and inquire about Gray's condition, which was still the same. One of the reasons why I wanted to be busier was that I didn't want to think about Gray's condition or give a break to my thoughts, which always revolved around what if.

My dad was worried about my health and the stressful life that I was leading. He doesn't know that this stressful life is keeping me sane. After getting fresh, I made my way to the dining table, and only my dad and sister were present. There was no sign of Ed or Thomas. I took my seat.

My dad started serving the dinner, and I spoke. "Where are Thomas and Ed?" "They went out to have dinner. Father and son want to spend alone time." "Oh, ok, that's good." "The doctor called me and informed me that Ed's condition has improved a lot. All credit goes to you. After you started accompanying him, he started responding in the session." "You know, Dad. I will do anything for him, and he meant a lot." "So, I was thinking, why can't you both get married?" That only made me choke on my food. Is he crazy? "What the hell, Dad? Are you out of your mind?" "This was not a sudden decision. I meant to talk to you for the past few days. Are you planning to stay this way and keep ruining everything? Can't you see the consequences of your actions? Why are you against a relationship I am not getting, but I won't let you stay this way? No never." "Dad, it's my life; let me lead the way. Marriage, forget it, no, never." "Why can't you think of others at least once? Why are you against having a relationship? What is wrong with falling in love and getting married?" "It's dread, and you guys are live examples. The attachment will kill, so no thank you." "Josh, we may or may not be a good example to you. But nothing is wrong with giving it a try. Without giving it a try, how can you conclude anything?" "I don't want to. What's wrong with that? Staying single is not a crime." "But you will always end up ruining things if you stay this way. As I said, just look around. Josh No one will match you other than Ed, who knows inside and out about you. He is still crazy about you after knowing everything. What else does anyone want? He still has the same amount of love and respect for you after everything. Give it a try. Talk to him, God, damit. He fucking does anything for you. Please, I am begging you, Ed, is suitable for you in every way. Think about it for my sake." "But?" "I know you have a lot on your mind, but I am not the one you need to discuss it with. Talk to Ed; talk to him about every bullshit thing of yours, and I am damn sure what his answer will be. Trust me, you are damn lucky. Are you going to talk with him?" "I need time." "Of course you need. Ok, but have a word with him at the earliest; that's all I am asking." "Ok."

What the hell am I going to do? Where the hell did this topic come from? I had buried it long before. Marriage, for fuck's sake. Not when Gray is in a coma.

What about Gray?

And what about him?

I was responsible for everything that happened in his life, and I should be responsible for everything. I can't let him go. Would he stay if I moved on? Like hell, he would. Things were not okay between us, but we were still floating because he was with me. I made him stick with me. He was in a coma. Any day he may gain consciousness, then what? Will he let me help him? He will cut all his ties with me. At this stage, am I ready to let him go from my life? I can't, and I won't. This ache whenever he comes into the picture messes up my mind.

There was a knock on the door, and Ed entered. "Hey, not feeling sleepy." I could only chuckle. It was past the middle of the night, and sleep was the last thing to think of. "We should talk, Josh. Someday, we have to. Be frank and tell me what you think about this." "I don't know. You know right about my thoughts." "But nothing wrong with trying right. Who knows, you may be proven wrong about everything regarding the relationship." "Don't you think you had enough because of me?" "Let's not talk about the past. If I am not wrong, you are thinking something else, right?" "Yes." "What do you want to do about Gray?" "I was responsible for everything, and I can't let go of him." "And." "I don't know how I am going to make him stay and help him with his life." "That's it." "I don't think this relationship will work, and I don't want to hurt you anymore."

We were silent, and I meant everything. My life felt like a riddle. Am I making it complicated, or when things get in touch with me and get complicated, I am not getting it? From where exactly has everything turned this way? What exactly do I want in my life or from this life? I am fucking heartless, but why the hell does every other person get so attached to me? Why can't I reciprocate any of it? Did I reciprocate or, in some way, fail to recognize it? I am not a complicated person, but dealing with me is complicated for those around me. Not questioning anything, taking everything for granted, and playing aloof—these things in me were a good sign. I wanted to undo a few things, and what are those few things? I wanted to restart my life, but exactly from where? I wanted to stop ignoring things and start questioning if I felt dread too. Am I ready for the outcome?

"Let's give it a try. I am ready for the outcome." "What?" "You won't let go of Gray, and I get it. How are you going to continue your relationship with him? I don't know. Trust me, I want to question that, but I know even you don't know the answer. And if you knew, I don't want to hear that. This is crazy. Like, seriously, but let's do this. We will see where it leads us." "Are you crazy?" "I guess. I must be. Oh god, am I hearing what I am committing with you?" I started laughing my heart out till my eyes were wet. Oh god, what the hell was happening? "So?" "I don't want to hurt you, Ed. Stop it, and it's not funny. I am not sure how to explain it to you. Few things are always out of control." "I know, and I was witness to your live show." "Yeah right. Thanks for the reminder. I don't want to do this for so many reasons. So no, Ed." "As I said, I am ready for the outcome with no rebuke from my side. Let's give these old folks a break. At least let's get engaged, and later we can discuss marriage. If things work out, then only. Is it ok with you?" "Why are you doing this?" "It's obvious, Josh. So, let's not become sentimental and all. I want to try this. Are you ready?"

Am I ready? Gray's images started gushing through my head, and this ache that always passed through. Nothing is making any sense. The person beside me was willing to pledge his heart once again, and I should be moved from this, at least a little, but nothing. The person's images that were gushing were ripping my soul. Should I give in, get engaged, and give a break to every other thought that was flooding? Maybe I will get a permanent break from everything. At least my dad would stop fucking bothering me, and I could save myself from my sister taunting.

"OK." That's all I could reply, and the two words that left my mouth were going to make me pay for it.