Chapter 39

Her heart skipped again, making her to drop her pen on the desk and rub her eyes. What was wrong with her today? Her heart has been beating weirdly lately. Everything was going great but her heart was saying otherwise. Like something bad is about to happen. She picked her phone from her desk and dialed mommy's number. 

"Maryam? What happened again? I told you, I am fine. Nothing is wrong and nothing is going to happen by Allah's will. Keep praying and take deep breaths," mommy spoke gently. Maryam heaved a sigh of relief when she heard her mother's voice. "Okay, mommy, thank you." She ended the call and continued her work. 

She heard a soft knock on the door. She knew it was Amanda. She gave her permission and in less than a second, Amanda opened the door and entered. "Doctor it's time for ward round, your father asked me to get you." She spoke politely. Maryam nodded and dismissed her. She stood up and wore her lab coat. She stepped out of her office and headed to the A & E, where they always start with.

She met her father and his team already starting the ward round. They were doing a check up on an old woman. The woman in the bed was old beyond a natural lifespan and paying the price. While her heart beats stubbornly within her pigeon chest, her skin is so fragile it ruptures on anything more than the softest of touches. The open eyes are not focused but move randomly, white, obscured with cataracts so completely that Maryam couldn't tell her eye colour. Her hair is wispy over a scalp that shows signs of pressure sores, pink from constant contact with pillow or chair. Daddy raised his voice and called out the woman's name "Hajiya Rabi, Hajiya Rabi, can you hear me? It's Doctor Mahdi." After no reaction he asked her to raise her arm, nothing. He apply mild pressure to her temple and her hand moves feebly as if to swat him away but missing by many inches. She's still in there alright, just deaf and blind.

After they were done with the A & E ward, the moved to the next ward. The new patient was mobile and spry, bored, yet grinning at Maryam as she entered. Her smile extends to her eyes, twinkling like she was  greeting a beloved mother. Maryam reciprocates in her way, her smile limited to her mouth, unsure of what happens next and wary of being drawn into a conversation she doesn't have time for. "Hello, doctor, Edna, Edna Forrest, and you are?"

"I’m Dr Maryam Mahdi, I'll be your doctor today. How was your sleep last night?" Maryam asked, stroking the girl’s hair. "I couldn't sleep well last night, my leg really hurts and it is swollen again," she complained but still smiled. "Who was in charge of this patient last night?" Daddy asked looking at the doctors. "It was me, sir," one of the doctors answered, moving forward. 

"Sir, her leg swelling is an abnormal accumulation of fluid in the tissues of the lower extremity. It was caused by a congestive heart failure." Maryam looked at the poor girl as the doctor explained more.

It was a bit past 4pm when they rounded up with the ward round. She fetched her phone from her pocket as she walked back to her office, tiredly. She dialed Aydah's number. "Aydah, please tell me you're home," she spoke tiredly. "Yes I am, what's up," she replied. "I'm coming over now, we need to talk about something. And please cook something for me, I'm really hungry." Aydah replied her before she ended the call. She prayed Asr before She took her car keys, handbag and leaving the clinic. 

She met her father at the parking lot with few doctors speaking about something. She greeted him again before leaving. She was on her way to Aydah's place when her heart skipped a bit that she had to park her car by the road side. She placed her head on the steering wheel and closed her eyes. She felt a throbbing headache settling in. It was always the same, a crushing pain just on one side of her head that came and went in a pattern. She stayed in that position for about five minutes before she managed to drive to the house. 

She parked her car at the parking space and stepped out. She felt the urge to scream and cry when she saw Mujahid's car parked right beside hers. She hissed and walked into the house. No one was in the living room and she heaved a sigh of relief. She headed straight to Aydah's room to avoid clashing with him or maybe his wife. She wouldn't bear it.

Aydah was on her bed, using her laptop. "Doctor Mahdi," she read Maryam’s tag with a grinned. Maryam hissed and removed her lab coat. She had totally forgotten she was still wearing it. She slumped in the armchair and threw her handbag on the table. There was something so great about home after the testosterone filled office. Aydah had their family picture with everyone in it. Including Mahmud's mother. Her eyes settled on it for a moment. Beautiful. Fragile. She thought of asking Aydah for the picture but she shrugged it off. Her body washed cold as she felt the pager buzz in her blazer pocket but she ignored it. 

"I'll go get you something to eat now," Aydah said, closing her laptop and getting up from the bed. Maryam nodded and Aydah left the room. She stood up and went back to the bed. She opened Aydah's laptop and surged through her photos. She saw a lot of pictures and videos of her with Mahmud she knew nothing about when they traveled to Bora bora. Her lips quirked upwards in a joyous smile as she watched the videos of her being unserious while Mahmud went along with it. And when they did the limbo dance together even though he had a broken arm. It was a good memory. Unforgettable.

She closed the laptop with a shaky breath. Memories. Now everything has turned to history. They were strangers now. She wondered where he could be now or what he could be doing at that moment. She wished to apologize and make things right but how? His phone wasn't going through. Or maybe he blocked her from calling him. Aydah came in with a tray of food. She dropped it on the table. Maryam thanked her and moved back to the chair she first sat down before. 

"So what do you want to talk about?" Aydah asked looking at her. "At least let me eat and gain some energy first," she spoke, grinning. After she was done eating, aydah asked her to go greet Ummah. Maryam stood up, praying she wouldn't meet Mujahid there. "But you're coming with me," she protested, picking up her veil. Aydah shrugged her shoulders and stood up.

The moment she stepped into the room, her eyes met with his. She briskly looked away. His eyes were still on her when she walked further into the room. Nadia felt like jumping and strangling her but she restrained herself. She looked away and hissed a bit when she saw her husband's eyes on Maryam but she couldn’t do anything because of Ummah. 

"Maryam," Ummah called her name, smiling. "When did you come? How are you? How's your mom?" She asked. Maryam smiled and sat down on the carpet. "Good evening Ummah. I'm fine Alhamdulillah and she's fine too." She was uncomfortable with his eyes on her. Nadia hit him, jolting him out of his reverie. 

"How's work? I hope you've eaten." Maryam smiled and nodded. "Come let's go back to my room," Aydah said. Maryam sighed and stood up. "Aydah, please you should go to your brother's house and see if Fadila and the maids are done with the cleaning. Their flight will be landing soon," Ummah said. Maryam looked at Aydah with a puzzled look. Aydah nodded before the left the room. 

Maryam didn't ask nor did Aydah explained what was going on. She was sure Ummah meant Mahmud. So he's coming back today? That's going to be awkward. They went back to Aydah's room. She opened her closet and fetched out a veil. "Let's go with your car, mine is at the mechanics," aydah explained. Maryam wanted to go home to avoid any problems but she agreed. 

"But you're driving," she said, giving her the keys. They walked out of the house to the parking lot and left. On their way, Maryam couldn't stop having the thought of seeing Mahmud. It's been so so long. Almost a year. She swallowed hard and sigh. "I know you're acting all weird because of what Ummah said. Well yeah, Yaya Mahmud is coming back tonight," she answered her question even though she didn't ask. 

"It's been long since I last saw him." She chuckled nervously, fiddling with her fingers. She looked at her wrist as she thought of why she removed her bracelet. The bracelet he gave her years ago. She had never thought she'd take it off but when Mujahid came, he ruined everything for her. 

They arrived at the house, same time Fadila was coming out with the maids. Fadila gave Maryam a pointed look. She knew whatever it was she didn't know Mahmud has gotten married, else she'd never show up to his house. She looked at her sister and beamed. "Have they arrived yet? Please say yes because I can't wait to meet Yaya Mahmud's wife. Omg she's so pretty, like have you seen her picture? They're the definition of perfect couple and they will make beautiful ba......"

"Fadila!" Aydah cuts her off. She glared at her and hissed. "What? I was just stating a fact. Oh well, let me get going and help Ummah prepare dinner for them." She said with a shrug and ordered the maids to follow her. 

Aydah sighed and turned to Maryam who had already fainted standing. A tear dropped out, "can you..... explain to me what Fadila just said." 

Aydah knew she would flip when she hears about Mahmud's marriage. "Come let's go in and talk. I'll explain everything." Aydah spoke softly. She grabbed her hand but Maryam furiously snatched it away. "He got married? When? Why didn't you tell me?" Pairs of tears raced down her cheeks. "Because I was afraid this was going to happen! It all happened so so fast and I swear I was going to tell you but then I thought your mom will and I..... I just got confused. But I did all to protect you from getting hurt."

"Mommy knows about it?" She questioned looking at Aydah's guilty eyes. She sighed and slowly nodded. Maryam felt the panic begin like a cluster of spark plugs in her abdomen. Tension grew in her face and limbs, her mind replaying the fadila's words. Her breathing became more rapid, more shallow. In these moments before her personal hurricane. "Come, I'll take you home," aydah murmured and pulled her hand. 

The moment they got to Maryam's house, she dropped out of the car and rushed into the house. She went straight to her room without saying anything to anyone. The thoughts were accelerating inside her head. She wanted them to slow so she could breathe but they won't. Her breaths come in gasps and she felt like she would black out. Her heart is hammering inside her chest like it belongs to a rabbit running for its skin. The room spins and she squats on the floor, trying to make everything slow to something her brain and body can cope with. She felt so sick.

"Maryam!!" Mommy called her name as she entered the room in a hurry. "SubahanAllah, what is wrong? What happened? Where's your car?" She bombarded her with questions. She knelt down and held her shoulders. "I have lost him, I have lost him, mommy. Why didn't you tell me that he was going to get married? I would’ve apologized.” When Maryam finished talking she knew there was a problem. She knew it was no one other than Mahmud. She was silent for a bit, unable to say anything to her. 

In the grip of silent panic, wild eyes, pupils dilated, heart racing, brain on fire, brain synapses firing like a hyped up internal aurora borealis, like a cluster bomb exploding in her brain, turned her brain to a mental soup of conflicting instructions, brain frozen, brain feeling like it's seized up, shrill scream, running aimlessly, frozen in panic, arms flapping almost comically, almost threw up, brain feeling like it's been pickled in brine.

"Maryam, can you calm down please? What has gotten into you please? Ya salam," she exclaimed as Maryam's increased the volume of her wails. "Remember what we talked about? This is all a test and you will surely pass it if you exercise more patience. You’re not a child anymore please! You should know what is right! Be grateful for the blessings Allah has bestowed you with. No soul is burdened with more than it can bear.”

Maryam hugged her knees as her mother spoke to her. She was completely broken now, shattered really, robbed early of the tape and glue necessary to put her soul back together. Her heart, poorly stapled shut, was beating hard but she felt lifeless. She felt like there was something eating her up from the inside, as if her conscience is telling her she’s not going to survive. Today, she couldn’t take it any more.