Stand Up Take Charge

I had been home for three days and I had barely came out. I was emotionally drained from my ordeal that I completed my studies online and it gave me more of an understanding of the work that I struggled with earlier. Showering twice a day gave me time to accept what happened, due to my mental state I didn't step outside of my room. I went through everything that I held in this room that I had blocked out over the past three years, staring at my notes, study quotes, synonyms posted everywhere.





The grief that I endured made me hate this room, this house, my family, my life everything happy in this room I built as a child became my enemy over time that I left and hadn't returned. To be in here now is a little soothing, the one place I ran from for years is the one place that quietened everything around me. Laying here staring at the ceiling was what made me appreciate my sanctuary again, I hadn't felt like this in years and to have it, I have not left.





Standing up and showering I walked out of my room and walked the familiar way to the other side of the house that houses my brothers room that I meticulously cleaned when he went to college and then deployed. Standing in front of the familiar door I stared at it and reached forward to open the door, staring at the room that hadn't changed either. Exactly how he always left it had remained frozen in time, as I stared at the medals on the wall, trophy's lined perfectly, photos all over the wall with him smiling. The room was perfectly kept, obviously cleaned everyday like he will one day walk through the door. No one has ever stepped foot in he unless to cleaned something that still remained even in his absence. My routine I developed as a child to sooth myself when he went away too school. I always felt that he would return if he knew his family loved him and then it turned into myself being a jinx and wished his demise instead. Logan continued to be there for me, but my grief was beyond his capabilities, I became a nightmare that played ruthlessly to hurt and since I was trying to numb the pain that nothing made sense. Entering Gavin room I stared at the new coloured wall, differently arranged shelves that house his trophy's, his memorabilia that he owned littered the wall and ceiling that I stared quietly as I tookmin the new set up. The picture in my mind is different to what I am staring at that I take in the room and how everything is all about him. The feeling running through me, made tears slipped down my face as I remember the night we buried him I took a baseball bat to his room, smashing everything in my path until nothing was safe. I lost my mind that night and just remember staring at my aftermath calmly as I walked away and returned to my room, I woke up with Logan's body wrapped around me.

Walking in and lying on the bed I remembered as a child sneaking in here because I was scared, sneaking things out of his room without his notice because he had cooler stuff and most importantly I would borrow his jackets because some would be Logan's and I was infatuated back then. Stretching my arms above my head I felt relaxed for the first time since the night Gavin passed that I have felt whole again, like the missing pieces is here in this room or more specifically in this house.

The emotions that were coursing through my veins made me finally feel something after all these years. What my life would have looked like today if my brother had been still alive, how graduating would have been celebrated with all my merits to one up him as I made valedictorian. The tears ran down my face as I stared at the memories on his ceilings and remembered the day they were taken, the last happy moment that was frozen in time and it gave me a happy memory.

The ceiling had his highschool life, college life and family time all scattered above that told a story about his life at that time. My parents were very heartbroken that it took time to heal, it also took time for my parents to remember my pain as well that my mother rang me everyday and since Logan turned up and even now my father had taken her out so I was alone for the first time in four days.

Reaching for my phone I had turned it on and saw the phone screen light up with Kandi name. It was definitely important if she rang me this many times so I answered it "Rosie, you need to help us," was the first words I heard when I answered "I'm unavailable for the foreseeable future, I am no longer in your country," I stated when a scream was heard from the other side "Your the reason we are in this mess," Kandi growled that made me.laugh "How so? Last I checked you all abandoned me an a foreign hospital less then a few days ago," I sneered as I hung up the phone and remained quiet.

Closing my eyes I fell asleep on the bed, dreaming of past memories, events we saw as a family, the highs of some activities always competing with Gavin, his teasing, his daring me to challenge him at everything that made me competitive that I also refused to lose to Logan as well and he became the target.

Logan was just as competitive as Gavin if not even more so with me because I challenged everything he did because Gavin took interest in it and we liked to excel at everything. The company became a sensation due to our competitive ambitions to be better then the other that happened to also be against Logan and his siblings.

Opening my eyes I was facing a wall and it had been a long time since I had seen the wall that I frowned before realizing where I was, I also then noticed I had a warm wall at my back and quickly looked down to see a man's arm around my waist and noticed the watch on that arm. A watch I had personally picked for this person that I relaxed against him as I hadn't felt this in a number of years.

I had a minute to relaxed when I stared at the wall in front of me and frowned taking in my surroundings realizing we were in Gavin's room on Gavin's bed that I just laid there. One day it may be gone so for now I just lay there.

Turning around I see Logan's beautiful face sleeping with his arms tightly held to my body, his face is inches away from me and I hadn't ever thought that I would go years without him, years without being able to touch him, see him or even function without him. Gavin passing had ripped my life apart that I didn't know what was happening, I had spiralled out of control intent on numbing my pain, no physical contact with anyone and barely retaining contact with my parents that I barely spoke to them unless absolutely necessary as I just kept myself busy so that I wouldn't be bombarded by reality.

I didn't take notice of my parents grief, or how they would feel watching there only surviving child wither away and then disappear without a word. Returning had made realised that I wasn't the only one feeling hurt,, as he left a whole in everyone he encountered in life as well as his family.

Staring at Logan I traced his face with my finger and I knew that I had to get up and go bathroom so I lay there little while longer before I made my way Into Gavin's bathroom and turned the shower on before opening his cabinets for the other products I had stashed here for his future girlfriend he never brought home and made my way into the warm water that enveloped my body.

Being home felt different that I couldn't explain what I was feeling, it just made everything quiet. My mind was quiet, my thoughts were also quiet, standing in his shower just made it feels right so I just did my thing and then stepped out. Placing clothes on I stepped out of the bathroom and into the room to Logan sitting upright with his eye closed that I frowned a little at him and walked towards him, "Let's go to my room," I said softly as his eyes opened and squinted at me as he nodded before standing to lead us out, shutting the door behind us as we crossed the hallway to mine.

For years I'd frequent his room too see Gavin and Logan jamming the game online and swearing profanities it was different now more quieter now that the loudest person who filled a room was no longer amongst us and all though I would have stayed in there longer he knew I had finally come home. Entering my room I stared at the man before me, the one I pushed away in my grief and in his grief he became the most feared business tycoon in the past three years that made himself a name.

Kandi Ross kept calling several different times all in a span of two days that made Logan toss the entire phone out and made me redo everything again so that it wouldn't happen again in the future and that made me shiver. The lengths others would go to for there own personal gain while avoiding the law like a sheriff unto itself. Finally gaining my strength I decided to enter into Gavin's room as I rang Kandi back who automatically started sobbing that made me roll my eyes. I had just realised the enormity of what they did too me and still over here crying about life.

"Please I need you to drop the charges please," she pleaded, the whole scenario made me nauseous "You forcibly hurt me and we're about to extinguish my life. Maybe it's better you go to jail as well. Your way of life is a danger to others," I spoke as I heard her gasp "We were fooling around, you know us," she spoke softly and knew he was with her. "Because of your actions and lack of remorse it's only fitting you did the crime now you have to do the time." I spoke as I hung up the phone and dismantled it to not ring again. Removing both sim cards out of the phone and resetting it back to factory settings before throwing the trash out.

This week has been hard to adjust too, as I haven't been home in a four years, the street has changed somewhat, the locals have all grown up over the years I had left. The town got bigger with more houses being added, more streets added as a walk around the block in a hour turned into double the time now.

The neighbors who had young families when I lived here were either college aged children now and grandchildren. The street had been quite through college as most of the rowdy kids had all gone off to college. Now some a back with wives and husband's of there own and children as well. Still not as loud as when we were kids but there none the less. The community finally built a park right in the middle of the area so that every kitchen was facing said park and everyone could be spotted with how enclosed the area is but still spacious that kids were littered everywhere.