85. Chapter 85

Chapter 85

Kate was moved to her own private room overnight, and Castle stayed with her.

While she was there on rounds the following morning, Dr. Holland told Kate, "I know how much you don't like being in the hospital. However, even though neither you nor your son are showing any signs of difficulties, you're going to be with us one more night…"

When Kate looked less than happy, Castle chimed in. "Kate, in less than two years, your body has endured a gunshot that could easily have killed you, a long, difficult recovery, near drowning in ice water with an already compromised lung, as well as a pregnancy and delivery. With everything you've been through, we're lucky you and Jamie are healthy. The doctor just wants one more day to observe. And I want to be sure you're okay, so please try to relax and do what the doctor thinks is best. I'll stay with you; and Jamie won't care where he is as long as he's loved and fed and comfortable. And we can manage that for him, right?"

Kate nodded, reluctantly acquiescing to Castle's sensible words.

"Speaking of Jamie, it looks like it's about feeding time again," Doctor Holland noted with a smile as the baby fussed and stuck his little fist in his mouth.

"I'll check his diaper and bring him to you," Castle told his wife.

"And, unless you have other questions, I'll see you about this time tomorrow morning," the doctor said.

"See you tomorrow," Kate answered.

A nurse came in and changed Jamie's diaper, smiling at Castle's protest that he could do it. "You'll have plenty of them to change when you take him home," she told him. Then she passed him to his father, who sat down next to Kate and put him into her arms. "I wasn't here when you fed him yesterday, Mrs. Castle. How did it go on the side that was injured?"

"I started there, and so far it seems there's enough on that side to satisfy him."

Castle again wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her head as Kate took their son and snuggled him close.

"Hi, sweet boy," Kate said softly, kissing his cheek and smiling as the nurse waved and left; and then she helped Jamie situate himself and settle into his task. She watched him for a minute or so before looking over at Castle. "We did good, didn't we?" she asked with a smile.

"We did great," he answered, swinging his feet up on the bed and tucking her closer into his side. "We make pretty babies."

"Yeah, we do." She even giggled at the thought, and Castle planted a kiss on her lips.

When they looked down at Jamie, his eyes were open and appeared to be focused on them.

Castle smiled and reached down to smooth his hand over his son's back and side, saying, "Looks like we have a baby voyeur."

"I'm sure it won't be too many years before he's saying, 'Eeeeew' or 'Gross" like Alexis. But right now, his biggest concern is breakfast…or lunch…or snacktime…"

"Well, both our children are stuck with parents who are going to kiss each other in their presence. They might as well get used to it."

xxxxx

As they were leaving the hospital the following day, a society reporter for The Ledger caught sight of them as she was coming to visit a family member. Obviously unable to pass up the opportunity to try to talk to them, she tried to block their path, oozing charm and asking about the baby. They kept moving while answering a couple of the more innocuous questions before Castle said he wanted to get his family home and moved a little more quickly toward their waiting car. By then, hospital security had spoken to the woman and steered her away.

Kate's favorite nurse was pushing her wheel chair and asked, "Does that happen often?"

"Too often for my taste, but it's part of Rick's day job. I'm getting used to it."

"Hmmpf. And I used to think being famous might be fun. Maybe not."

"It has its perks, but there are downsides too," Castle told her. He held out his hand and said "Thank you, Mindy. You've been wonderful."

She shook his hand and said, "Both of you have made it easy," She was obviously pleased at the compliment.

Much to Alexis's delight, Jamie woke up when they arrived at home, and her dad showed her how to safely lift him out of the infant carrier. She took him and sat down on the sofa, contentedly watching him as he went through a variety of facial expressions, blinking his eyes and watching her back. She and Martha talked to Jamie and laughed at some of his faces, then an new, odd expression appeared on his face followed by his sister sniffing the air.

Looking at her grandmother, she asked, "Did he just do what I think he did?"

"More than likely," Martha answered, immediately calling, "Richard. Your son needs you." Then she and Alexis both giggled.

"Oh, I see," he answered, coming closer. "You only love him when he's clean."

"I used to babysit for a friend whose wife was breastfeeding," Martha told him. "Most women weren't doing that when Richard was a baby, you know," she explained to Alexis. "And those were some messy diapers."

Kate came to get her son, teasing, "Come here, Jamie. Mommy still loves you, but I have to admit it's more fun when you're clean."

Before she could take him from Alexis, though, Castle stopped her. "I've got this one. He's going to be hungry again before too long, and you should get some rest." Kate started to protest, but he argued, "I'm not trying to take over completely or indefinitely, but give yourself a break. You just had a baby two days ago, so rest while you can. He's going to demand a lot of our attention."

"You should listen to him, Katherine," her mother-in-law told her. Voices of experience…both of us."

"Did Mom take care of me at all when I was Jamie's age?" Alexis asked. "The truth, Dad. Don't sugarcoat it."

"Not much because she knew that Richard would," Martha answered with obvious disgust. "When diapers needed to be changed, she was always still 'exhausted from childbirth.' By the time she wore that out, your father was already automatically doing just about everything for you."

"Did she love me at all?"

"As much as she knew how," Castle answered with a sigh.

"But it was all about her even then, wasn't it? And she didn't like sharing the stage?"

"I'm sorry, Honey. I didn't give you the best mom."

"It's okay, Dad. You were as good as two parents. And you gave me Kate. So, before I left for college I got to know what it feels like to have a mom, and Jamie will know right from the beginning. Go get some rest, Kate. I'll help Dad. He can show me how to change Jamie. If you're gonna trust me to babysit, I'm gonna have to learn sooner or later anyway."

They convinced Kate to lie down, and Castle started the diaper changing instructions. As soon as the diaper was loosened enough to see inside it, Alexis was leaning back and saying "Eeeeeew!" and "Yuck!" and that she might be reconsidering. But she did manage to stay and then put a clean diaper on her little brother...after Castle had cleaned the messy residue from the dirty diaper off Jamie's little bottom.

"How can you stand that?" she asked.

"You made many a disgusting mess of your own, daughter," he answered as he fastened Jamie's onesie back in place and picked him up lovingly.

"And you loved me like this anyway?"

He leaned and kissed her head. "Of course I did. Well, I didn't really enjoy the diapers; but they're part of being a parent to a child you do enjoy. It was worth every 'Eeeeeew!' and 'Yuck!'" he answered, mimicking her.

She laughed and gave him a hug and asked if she could have Jamie back.

He put his son in her arms and said, "See? You're already forgetting the nasty diaper, aren't you, even though you know he's going to do it again? All you're thinking about now is how much you love him."

She kissed the baby's head, sat down on the sofa again, and said, "Yeah. You're right. He's so sweet."

Martha and Castle stood together watching the two youngest members of the family bonding, and they left them alone. They would have their time with Jamie later.

xxxxx

A couple of days later, the standard birth announcement appeared in the paper, and page six of the Ledger had a mention of the meeting with the reporter, Mr. and Mrs. Castle leaving the hospital with their beautiful baby boy.

By the end of the week, the members of the household were finding a little bit of a routine, and Kate's confidence level was growing. Castle mentioned now and then that he would get Jamie for her since he couldn't feed him himself. Sometimes he would stay close to them as she fed him, now and then putting his arms around them as the baby nursed, the way he had at the hospital. Other times he would go and write, run an errand, start dinner, or find something else to do or someone else to talk to.

One afternoon when Jamie was about two weeks old, Castle was leaning against the doorway to their bedroom watching as Kate fed their son. She was leaning back on pillows propped against the headboard and talking softly to the baby, not really saying anything of consequence, just saying it lovingly and stroking his face or holding his hand. She looked up with a contented smile when she realized he was there, and then she seemed concerned. Looking thoughtful for a moment or two, she asked, "Are you feeling left out?"

He looked down as if the toes of his shoes had suddenly become fascinating, and mumbled self-deprecatingly, "Maybe. How childish does that make me?"

Responding with something he would often say, she answered gently, "Not childish, just human. Come over here with us." When he did, she told him, "Get behind me and spread your legs so…"

He gave her his crooked smile and said mischievously, "That sounds like it should be my…"

Playfully covering Jamie's ear with her free hand, she scolded, "Not in front of the child."

Castle chuckled and got in bed behind her, and she scooted a bit forward so she could sit in the vee of his legs and lean against him.

"Now put your arms around us so he knows you're here, too, while he's nursing. Anytime you feel left out, just come in and join us. I like that you want to be an involved dad. Jamie and I are both lucky to have that."

He held their baby with her and helped her balance him when she switched him to the other breast. Resting his chin on her shoulder, he watched as the baby nursed. "Does it feel at all like when I…" he started to ask hesitantly.

"A couple of times at first, there was a little hint of something similar, but no. Nothing is the same as you, Rick. You're one of a kind…the really good kind. She turned her head to give him a little peck on the lips, and he returned it then started to talk to his child and stroke his face the way Kate had, zeroing in on a tiny hand or foot now and then.

When Jamie's tummy was full and he stopped nursing, Castle threw a cloth over one shoulder then took the baby and held him upright at his shoulder, patting his back and bouncing him gently until there was a loud burp.

"That's my boy," he said proudly. Turning toward his wife, he smiled and observed, "It's always amazed me that a sound that big can come from such a tiny little person."

She laughed as she got up to find what she needed to change the baby's diaper. "He has a pretty powerful set of lungs to let us know when he isn't happy, too." She waited, watching as Castle cuddled his youngest child, rubbing his back and kissing his temple in the process. "I love you," she said, and he looked up at her, returning the sentiment without needing the words. She leaned in and took Jamie from him, changed his diaper, refastened his clothes, and tucked him into the bassinet, where he promptly closed his eyes and fell asleep almost instantly. "Well that was easy this time."

"Could you use a nap, too?" he asked.

"Do I get a good cuddle, like Jamie did?"

"Always."

She pulled back the covers, they rearranged the pillows, and she told him, "Get in and tell me exactly what makes you feel left out."

"It's just foolishness on my part, Kate. Don't worry about it," he answered as he slid under the covers and pulled her into his arms.

"No. I want to know so I can help. I don't want you to feel left out of anything with our son. We're partners, right? Jamie needs to feel that, too."

After a couple of false starts, he finally said, "I did just about everything for Alexis. I had to fix her bottles and feed her, and doing that…it's some of my favorite memories. She'd kind of melt into a snuggle in my arms, and she had to depend on me for everything." He sighed. "This is different." Backpedaling from that statement, he assured her, "It's better, but it's different. You're doing everything a mother is supposed to do, and I love seeing that our little boy is going to have two parents he can depend on from his first day in the world. I don't want to go back to doing everything on my own, but now and then a moment hits me, and I miss doing that for Jamie…or maybe with him… It's so unreasonable."

"Did today help?"

"It did, and it means the world to me that you noticed and invited me in without my having to say a word…but it isn't quite the same." He hesitated briefly then finally admitted, "It's worse than that. I was…" He stopped there.

"Go ahead and say it, Rick. It can't be that bad. And I can't help if I don't know." There was still no answer, and she pulled his head down to her shoulder and just held him. "I really want to help."

He buried his face against her neck and admitted, "I was feeling jealous, too. It makes me feel like a really lousy father."

"A lousy father is something you'll never be, Richard Castle. You already do everything but feed him, and this baby hasn't wanted for love since the minute you knew he existed. So tell me what exactly it is that makes you feel jealous or left out."

Maybe I was feeling jealous because I was feeling left out? I didn't have any reason for these feelings with Alexis. Her mother wasn't doing much anyway." He took in a deep breath and answered on a sigh, "When you're feeding Jamie, the two of you look so close, and I can almost be a part of that but not quite. And I want to feel as close to him as you do, but I'm not built for that."

"Anything else?"

"It isn't that I resent that he needs your time. I don't. Either one of us would always put him first. But there's almost no time for us…and I miss you. The family has been here more often because they love Jamie and want to see him, and babies demand their own time, and…" He nuzzled her shoulder so he didn't have to look at her. Touching her, he said, "And these used to be all mine, and… God, I sound so petty. You must be exhausted. Everything you've been through to get our baby here and healthy…Jamie needing to be feed so often…and I'm whining because I can't feed him myself yet or can't have you to myself long enough…or have enough of you to myself. You must be disgusted with me. It's so stupid, and I hate myself for it."

"I'm not disgusted with you, Castle. I'm glad you're willing to tell me. And it isn't just you, you know. I'm missing our time with just us, too. And from some things I've read, I think the rest of what you said is pretty normal, too. It isn't stupid. We'll work it out. I'm not good for that kind of nap yet, but we can make out a little before we take our own nap. Our boy should be good for at least another couple of hours, maybe more, and nobody else is here. Just us." She kissed his head, and he nuzzled her neck again, growling softly but playfully and nibbling near her ear. She giggled quietly. "It's us time, Writer-Man. Let's take advantage while we can."

He finally looked up at her. "I'm so glad I have you. You're still extraordinary, you know." He followed his statement with a long, slow kiss.

"Mmmmmm… I've missed this." Looking at him flirtatiously, she told him, "I think I just melted into a snuggle with the world's best dad myself."

He grinned at her. "Want to do it again, world's best wife and mother?"

She grinned back and answered, "Definitely. You can even play with your toys a little bit if you want to."

They lavished loving attention on one another before finally falling asleep until Jamie woke up.

Placing the baby carrier where they could talk to their son as they made lunch for themselves, they managed to have their meal before Jamie demanded his own. The phone rang while Kate was feeding him, and Castle was surprised to hear JD's voice when he answered.

The young man sounded hesitant, but he said, "I saw Alexis's roommate today, and she said the baby was born a couple of weeks ago. Could I… I mean, would it be okay if…"

"Would you like to stop by and see him?" Castle asked, helping him through what seemed to be a difficult moment for him.

"Yeah, I would," JD answered, sounding relieved. "When would be a good time? I don't want to go when Alexis is there. I don't want it to be awkward for everybody."

"She's planning to be here about five, so you could come by any time this afternoon. We'd be happy to see you."

"Thanks, Mr. Castle. I'll aim for three if that's okay."

"We'll be looking for you."

"Was that JD?" Kate asked, sounding surprised.

"He's coming by at three…wanted to be gone before Alexis was here."

"I've missed him. He was starting to feel like family."

"Me, too, but we have to let them make their own decisions. It'll be good to see him, though."

When JD arrived later, Castle answered the door, and Kate came out to meet him, too. After welcoming hugs, Kate went to get Jamie, saying, "He was just waking up when you got here. I'll change him and be right back."

Castle invited him in and offered him something to drink while they waited.

"Just some water would be fine," he answered.

Castle got water for them; and as they stood in the kitchen talking, they heard Kate from the bedroom.

"Aaaaaaaaa. Yuck! Richard James Castle!"

The two men looked at each other in surprise.

"She just whole named a two week old baby?" Castle asked, looking concerned. Pointing toward the bedroom, he said, "Be right back."

Before he got to the door of the study, though, Kate met him, a look of consternation on her face. She was holding Jamie a little bit away from herself, his clean, fleece onesie in her hand and large wet splotches on her shirt.

As she handed him the freshly diapered baby and the clean onesie, she said, "Finish this for me. Your son just peed all over me. I'm gonna go clean up."

Knowing how bad it probably was for Kate's mood, Castle laughed out loud, anyway. JD somehow managed to hold back until they heard the bedroom door close.

Still chortling as he sat down with Jamie, Castle laid him on the sofa, and got him into his clothes.

"I had a girl baby before," he told JD. "All the mess went on whatever was under her. Did you see Kate's shirt? Jamie must have really hosed her down while she was reaching for a diaper." I'd been told to watch out for that, but I'd forgotten."

"Looks like Mrs. Castle did, too," JD answered with a grin, and then they were both outright laughing again.

When Castle picked Jamie up and JD sat down on the sofa next to him, Castle asked, "Want to hold him?"

"Yeah, but he's so little," JD answered, looking reluctant. Castle placed the baby in his arms and gave him a few instructions, and Jamie looked up at the young man, blinking his eyes now and then and randomly moving his hands and feet.

"I think it's safe now," Castle told JD. "That thing is only dangerous when he's diaperless," And both men were laughing again.

Kate returned to the door of the study in clean clothes, having rinsed out a curl at the end of her hair as well as the shirt, and she stood at the door where two good sized men were in her line of vision, laughing as they bonded with a tiny little man-child. "You're not going to get over this for a long time, are you?" she asked dryly.

They tried to compose themselves but were snickering again in no time. "Probably not." Castle agreed. "We should put this in the baby book, Kate. You whole-named a two week-old."

That set the men off again, but this time they wisely brought it quickly back to just grins.

"Glad I could provide you some entertainment." She sat down in an armchair across from them and smirked as she mock glared at them.

JD seemed as fascinated by Jamie as Alexis had been, and he instinctively reached to meet the tiny flailing hands and feet, smiling as he did. "This is amazing. I've never held a baby this small." Watching Jamie closely, he said, "He looks so alert. It's like he's taking in everything. He's beautiful."

"Handsome," Castle corrected. "We men are handsome, right, Jamie?"

The baby flailed his hands and feet again, and JD said, "Looks like he agrees. Okay, Jamie, handsome it is."

The atmosphere between them was as relaxed as ever, and they enjoyed sitting and talking to JD for a while. He told them about a road trip he and his grandfather took a couple of weeks after he and Alexis broke up, and it was almost as entertaining as the Aunt Eugenia stories. When he said he should go, they all stood, and he went to throw his water bottle away in the kitchen. "Could I hold him again for a minute before I go? Castle met him at the corner of the breakfast bar, and that's where they all were, laughing one more time about Kate's wet shirt experience when the door opened and Alexis came in…at three-thirty…an hour and a half early."

"Hi. My last class was cancelled, so I came to see my br…" She stopped in her tracks. "JD? What are you doing here?"

"I meant to be gone before you got here. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable." Carefully giving Jamie to Kate, he said, "I was here for so much…even got to feel him moving around a couple of times… I just wanted to meet the little guy, you know? Pay my respects." Looking terribly ill-at-ease, he stammered, "I was just leaving anyway." Looking at Kate and Castle as he picked up his coat, he said. "It was good to see both of you. And congratulations. He's beautiful. Sorry, Jamie. Handsome." Castle smiled at that, then JD put his coat on and looked like he couldn't get to the door fast enough. "Bye, Alexis," he said on his way out.

Alexis finally came out of her surprised state enough to call out, "JD?" just before the door closed.

"Do you want me to catch him? Castle asked.

Alexis shook her head and ran upstairs.

"Be right back," Castle told his wife and followed JD, catching him as he waited for the elevator.

"JD?"

"This was such a bad idea," the younger man said, swiping at his eyes as he looked down and appeared to be embarrassed.

The parent in Castle took over, and he wrapped JD in a fatherly hug.

"I miss her, Mr. Castle. I love your daughter. How long does it take to stop hurting?"

"No schedule for it," Castle answered, patting the younger man gently on the back. "Every situation is different."

"I miss your family, too. You always made me feel so welcome."

"And you still are. We miss you, too. And no matter what happens with you and Alexis, you can always call if you need one of us."

"Does she hate me?"

"No. I think she's angry with herself. She left because she didn't want to hold you back."

"What do I do?"

"There's a quotation from back in the seventies…'If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.' When you can talk yourself into it, date some other people. It may be only a distraction at first, but it's a step in a new direction. Just be honest with whoever you're dating."

JD backed away then and nodded, asking hesitantly, "Is she seeing anybody else yet?"

"Not that we know of. I'm not sure, though. The baby has distracted all of us lately, and she's been spending more time here." Castle paused a moment. "I'm not going to be a go-between for the two of you. This is something that will or won't work because the two of you make those decisions; but life is made up of a lot of other things, too. If you need Kate or me, or if you just want to visit, call us. Understand? If it doesn't work out between you, Jamie still couldn't do any better when it comes to a male figure in his life to look up to. If my son grows up to be as good a man as you are, I'll be a very proud father."

The elevator had been there for a moment or two by then, and JD lifted his hand in parting and walked away. Turning and holding the door open, he said, "Thanks Mr. Castle…for everything…for caring about me.

"Always will. Remember…any time you need us," Castle told him.

"I will," drifted out of the elevator as the door closed.

Castle went back into the loft, wishing he could help. He'd had his own romantic disappointments, and he knew how the young man felt. Now he would wait for his daughter to come back downstairs so he could comfort her, too.