Chapter 1

As the clock was ticking away I felt another wave of paranoia hit me, this time stronger than the last one and acting upon that, I repeatedly check if I have answered all the questions and drawn all the diagrams properly or not. I check the time and the examination hall's clock told me that I have five minutes left to undo any error I have done on the answer paper. With the ticking sound of the clock I could also hear the sound of my heartbeat in my ears. My breath began to thicken, I was sweating profusely and at that moment I understood that my paranoia had triggered yet another panic attack. Quickly I began to take deep breaths and counted backwards to suppress that just like I did with the previous attacks. It is the third time today that I had a panic attack in the examination hall.

*Sigh*

It has been four years since I have started to have panic attacks in examination hall most of which are triggered by the anxiety of looking at the questions on the paper and the paranoia of missing out on any questions. As life has blessed me with terrible trust issues, I'm unable to share any of these with anybody. No one but only I knew about these attacks.

Hearing the final bell ring I stood up and went to the invigilator to submit my paper. Finally! My exams are finally over. It feels like a big weight has been removed from my chest and I can breathe naturally again. On occasion of this, I do a little victory dance on my mind while walking down the staircase. Outside the school gate I saw my mother waiting for me and from the look on her face I already knew the question that will be thrown at me the moment I will stand in front of her. So before she could ask I already sprouted out the answer "The test went well, I was able to answer all the questions properly and I expect a 95% above score." She lets a sigh of relief hearing the 'All questions answered' part but the moment she heard '95%' part her calm turned into a frown and the question that I was dreading came out, "Why only 95%? Why not 100%?" and moments like this makes me feel like I'm standing in the eye of a cyclone, just one wrong move and I'm gonna be wrecked. So to encounter it, I put on my fake calm face and answered "Worst case scenario is 95% Mom, I'll probably get more than that" and that happens to calm her down. Wouf! Thank God! No more lectures.(at least for a while)

Reaching home I change into a t-shirt and sweatpants and grabbed my school uniform to throw it in the laundry basket. Suddenly a strange thing occurred, I couldn't let go the uniform as a sudden sense of nostalgia hit me. And a sudden realization occurred to me, today was the last time I got to wear my uniform. This uniform has seen a lot, even things my family and friends didn't get to see. My first relationship, first breakup, first heartbreak, endless tears streaming down my face locked in washroom, bullying, body-shaming, betrayal of friends, every single event that occurred in school life – it has seen them all. Apart from the dark days it has also seen the few happy moments that overshadow my dark days, yeah, it has seen them all. I just can not believe that we have to part our ways today. Unknowingly some tears fell from my eyes and before realizing, I was crying hugging my uniform.

"Bitch"

"Attention seeker"

"Ew! Look at her buck teeth. Who's gonna date her with that set of teeth"

"God! Look at her face, it's so dark"

"Use some goddamn fairness cream"

"You don't deserve to be our captain"

"You're a piece of shit. A complete waste of space"

"Look at her. Fatso"

"You're a disappointment"

"Can't you do any better? Look at your friends, they are doing so well"

"What is wrong with you?"

I woke up panting, crying like a maniac, soaked in my sweat and looking around to make sure that it was all a dream. For a moment I thought that it was real but thanks to the high heavens it wasn't. Why can't these memories leave me alone, I am so done with them. These are the memories that make me question the purpose of my existence, these are the nightmares that keep me up all night.

"Althea, come dinner is ready." This broke me from my trance. "Coming" I answered before splashing some cold water on my face and getting ready for dinner."

It's half past 2 A.M. and as I had expected, sleep won't be kind to me tonight. I stare at the ceiling and try to find answer to the question-'Why life is hitting me so badly?' What have I done to deserve this? Why am I not enough in the way I am born in? Why aren't my parents satisfied with anything I have achieved in life? What is actually wrong with me? These thoughts kept me wide awake till all the energy is drained out of me and exhaustion had completely engulfed me to the point where it physically hurts to keep my eyes open. Before I let exhaustion rule over me completely, I looked outside my window and saw the sun's first rays of light, signaling the arrival of dawn. There is something in seeing the arrival of the dawn that gives me hope, hope for a better tomorrow. Watching the sun rise above the horizon gives me strength, strength that help me fight my past, strength that prepare me to face the present, strength that gives me hope for a brighter future. So, I drink in the strength that dawn provided me and close my eyes hoping for a brighter tomorrow