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Warning: self harm and a little smut in this chapter!

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Jayden's POV

It has been a whole month since I have been rescued and mated to Ethan. I'm now a full pack member and everyone treats me with respect. They are all still in awe of my wolf and every time I shift to go for a run there is always other pack members watching me making sure that I don't get injured.

Even though I am grateful that they care about me I am beginning to feel suffocated by all the attention. The cook always specially makes my food where it is easy for me to eat with my messed up arm. My arm has been improving slowly though. I can mostly uncurl my fingers now and grip some small items. It's still difficult to raise my arm high though but at least it's getting better.

The past few weeks I have been insanely hungry but I don't really feel like eating much. Even though I skip lunch I still seem to be gaining weight. I feel like I'm becoming depressed again but Ethan is too busy to notice. He plans to take over alpha position in a few months so he's been slowly taking on responsibilities. On top of that he has been trying to track down Chris and the other vampires.

All I want to do is forget though. I want to forget the way his hands felt on my body I want to forget the feel of him inside me. I want to forget the pain. But I can't because Ethan is always leaving me to look for that monster! Why can't he see that all I need is for him to be with me for at least a few hours?

I guess this is why I am sitting in the middle of the bathroom clutching a razor. I promised Ethan I would try to stop and I did try, but he broke his promise to me. He promised he would always be here for me. He hasn't been here when I need him. I only see him late at night when I'm half asleep. He won't notice the new cuts on my stomach. By the time he gets back I will already be too tired to even think of doing anything with him that involves taking my shirt off.

I bring the razor closer as I convince myself that he will never know. My body has too many scars for him to notice a few more right? I continue making cuts across my stomach loving the old burn that I haven't felt for almost two months. The sight of beautiful red flowing down to stain the waistband of my sweats makes me smile in sick pleasure. Why did I stop cutting again? It's such a great stress reliever.

Before I know it I have ten deepish cuts running across my pale stomach. I sat there a few minutes watching the blood flow and when I began to feel a little fuzzy I strip my clothes making sure to throw away the bloody sweats and hide them from Ethan then I stumbled into the shower to let the freezing cold water clean the blood away. I was shivering by the time I shut the water off and grabbed a towel.

I walk to our room and slip on some warm clothes as I glance at the clock. Ethan should be home in about an hour I realize as I go to lay down. I begin dozing off as I wait and soon I feel the bed dip beside me. I groan and roll over before slowly opening my eyes and smiling at Ethan. Even though he hasn't been here for me much I still feel happy everytime I look at his beautiful face.

He smiles sadly back at me before kicking his shoes off and stripping to his boxers. He slides in next to me and gathers me in his arms as he kisses my forehead. He frowns and rubs my arm as he feels how cold I am.

"Are you ok Jay? You feel a little cold." He says worriedly.

"I'm fine don't worry so much! The shower just ran out of hot water halfway though my shower." I lie as I snuggle closer to his side.

"I know a way to help warm you up." he whispers huskily. I shiver as his breath hits my ear and a moan slips out as he sucks on my mark where he bit me. He shifts so that he's hovering over me and straddling my hips. He begins kissing up my jaw before kissing my lips. His kiss was rough and full of lust as he licked at my bottom lip. I smirk as I refuse to open for him.

He groans and grinds his hips against mine making me gasp at how hard he is already. He slips past my lips to explore my mouth hungrily. I roll my hips up into his making him moan and pull away from the kiss. He begins grinding against me with his head thrown back in pleasure. I feel his hands begin to slip under my shirt and I feel panic trying to rise up. I can't let him see my cuts!

A whimper of fear slips out and I flinch as his eyes shoot open and he stills his movements.

"What's wrong angel?" he asks softly as he brushes my fringe out of my eyes. I scramble for an excuse and a lie easily comes to me.

"I'm sorry. When you tried to take my shirt off I just kind of remembered what happened to me." I whisper hating myself when I see the torn expression on his face. I know that he feels terrible that he didn't save me before I was raped. The first couple of times that Ethan and me has done it I would freak out from having flashbacks. Once I even had to rush to the bathroom to be sick.

The last week or so it has calmed down and I only occasionally have nightmares or flashbacks. Ethan must be worried now.

"Don't worry! I will be fine as long as I can keep something on like my shirt! I promise!" I say urgently before guilt can completely settle on him.

"Are you sure? We can stop. Don't try to push yourself too much." He assures. He still looks concerned. I nod and roll my hips into his again to prove that I really did want him and he still looks worried but he kisses me again. Only this kiss is slow and loving and somewhat hesitant. He slowly starts moving again and soon I am gasping in pleasure and desperate for release.

His hand rests on the waistband of my pants as he looks at me for permission. I nod and he slides my pants down far enough to release my member. He takes his boxers off and throw them on the floor as he grinds against me without any barriers to separate us. He begins stroking my length as I use my good hand to stroke him.

I throw my head back in pleasure and moan Ethan's name as I cum in his hand. Not a minute later I feel him release all over my hand as he moans. He gets up and then cleans us up before pulling my pants back up and cuddling me to his chest.

"I love you angel." He whispers in my ear.

"Love you too Ethan." I mumble as I snuggle closer and drift off to sleep knowing he won't be in bed when I wake up. I finally have a peaceful dreamless night.

I wake up and feel like something is wrong. Ethan isn't in bed but that's nothing new. Something woke me up but I'm not sure what it was. My stomach feels like it flips and I'm overcome by nausea. This must be what woke me up I though as I wrap my arms around my stomach and curl into a ball. Wrong thing to do! I jump up and rush to the bathroom with my hand clamped over my mouth.

I just barely make it to the toilet before I am violently sick. Once I'm sure my stomach is empty and the dry heaving settles down I slowly climb to my feet and flush the toilet. I stumble to the sink and brush my teeth to rid of the foul taste. What is wrong with me now?

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Ok so I know this is short and I'm sorry but I will try to update again soon! and I apologize for updating late!

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