Kisses and chocolate don't make a woman

Ch 5 - Kisses and chocolate don't make a woman

And maybe she confesses to the person she's liked for 3 years.

Maybe it was completely on a whim because she had kept so many things and kept herself in check for so long that she just had to do something that she wanted.

The feeling of control and rebel, and the tiny sliver of hope that maybe she'll get someone who loves her. Someone to do all the things she's never been able to do, all the dumb things couples did in novels.

Not much. Maybe just a little crazy.

And maybe her crush says no, maybe he says to try again in 5 months and maybe some people are calling her stupid and some are calling him a jerk. Maybe she had 100 more dollars in her bank account and a lighter heart.

But that doesn't matter.

In the following days of school, it feels as if he was pushing away. Far, far higher in the abyss than she'll ever be and she's so, terribly scared he'll go back on his word of staying friends and leave him just like everyone else did. Like her friends, god her god awful friends that had been nothing but liars that wished for her to be an obedient doll for their dumb needs.

And maybe her anxiety acts up because of it and tears start welling uncontrollably no matter where she is and she's about to break under the pressure.

Pretending she's fine, pretending it doesn't bother her about as much as it does. Pretend that she had friends that weren't him, that she would be the exact same with or without her.

It was like a silent message out of her need to lie.

"I don't need you. I may like you. But my life will be completely fine if you left."

Or maybe it was an obscured call for help.

"Please don't go. It's all a lie. So don't leave me."

But that's far more weakness than she's allowed to shown so she won't.

She wants to keep him but she doesn't know how. And at this point she'd think killing herself then sending him a letter would be the only thing she can do but she can't do that either.

18.

She told herself. Now, she won't break her promises. But it's oddly tempting at this time and she can't do anything but let the anxiety rot and fester in her brain until it takes her away completely or she decides to cut it away.

But she won't. She's not leaving this one.

She's staked too much of her life into him that cutting him off would cut herself.

So she's stuck. No one to talk to. No one to cry to. No one to ask for advice but with the demons inside her head. And they aren't very helpful. After all, they only exist to feed on her anxiety.

Why help something that keeps them full?

And so here she was.