chapter five

It had been Christmas Eve, all morning, and I think my mother and sister Maggi are both suffering from hangovers from New Year's Eve. And me? I have hearts in my eyes and a letter that is wearing out my jacket pocket.

Maggi is still trying to get out of wearing a hanbok to Aunt Carrie and Uncle Victor's as we put on our shoes. Check the sleeves out! I'm three-quarters their length! Unconvincingly mother says, and I answered "They should be like that."

Mom asks, pointing to Maggi, "Then why do her's fit?" Our grandmother purchased the hanboks for us the last time she was in Korea. Maggi's hanbok has a yellow coat and apple-green skirt. Mine is hot pink with an ivory-white coat and a long hot-pink bow with blossoms weaved down the front. My thigh is covered completely by the voluminous skirt, which is full to the brim like a bell. This, unlike me, strikes her ankles directly.

I argue with my bow, "It's not our fault you grow like a weed," I say. The bow is the most challenging element to master. To figure it out, I had to watch a YouTube video multiple times, and it still looks sad and lopsided.

She snorts, "Your skirt is too short too." The truth is that she despises hanbok because I have to walk delicately in it and hold the skirt closed with one hand or the entire garment will open, if you know what I mean.

I keep saying, "I hate New Year's Day" in the car, which makes everyone but me unhappy. Because she had to get up at the crack of dawn to get home in time from her friend's cabin, Maggi is already in a little bit of a bad mood. Additionally, there is the possibility of a hangover. Despite the fact that I am not even in this vehicle, nothing could dampen my spirits. I'm thinking about Vera from a completely different location, wondering if it was sincere enough, when I'll give it to her, what she'll say, and what it means. Would it be a good idea for me to drop it in her letter box? Put it in her locker instead? Will she smile at me and make a joke of it to cheer me up when I see her again? Or then again won't he imagine she ever saw it, to save us both? I feel that sounds more terrible. I need to continue advising myself that, in spite of everything, Vera is caring and She is accommodating and She won't be savage regardless. I can be completely certain about that.

I completely forgot to mention that I am in love with Vera, even if she fucked men. I asked, "What are you thinking about so much?" Maggi inquires. I can barely hear her.

"Hello?"

I pretend to be asleep by closing my eyes.

After the eve celebration, maybe a normal kid will think it was amazing to me, I felt depressed.

On our way home Maggi And I are both asleep in the backseat. Maggi got her head on my lap;

She sleeping with her head back and her mouth wide open. Mom is listening to NPR with a faint smile on her face. Everyone's so peaceful, and my heart is thumping a million beats a minute just in anticipation of what I'm about to do.

I'm doing it now, this very night. Before we're back at school, before all the gears shift back to normal and Vera and I are nothing more than a just friends. Like snow globes, you shake them up, and for a moment everything is upside down and glitter everywhere and it's just like magic—but then it all settles and goes back to where it's supposed to be. Things have a way of settling back. I can't go back.