8

Conner's Pov

"What did I just say?"

"I would have only held you back Conner!" She says and I could clearly hear the defeat in her voice.

"You and I both know that is far from the truth," I reply before adding with a shake of my head, "For the record, I never said I loved her, I just liked her– HELL I would have left her in a heartbeat if you would have just asked," I state.

"That is exactly why," she says with a groan. "I-- I didn't say anything! I didn't know what I was feeling or what IT WAS to begin with," she says rather solemnly.

"That not--"

She cuts me off, "how could I have dragged you into all that?" She asks as she gestured with her hands. "That wouldn't have been fair to you," she concludes.

I scoffed at that, "Fair? And what you ended up doing was?" I question.

She said nothing.

"Was it fair?" I yell, my anger slowly resurfacing.

"No!" She screams jerking her head up, her eyes meeting mine.

"Did you have feelings for me?" I inquired. She turns her head breaking the eye contact. "Answer me!"

"I don't know what it was," she answers, her posture now rigid and still avoiding any eye contact.

What a Lie!

"Susan?," I sighed.

"Listen to me-- you were my only best friend and once I saw you. . .," She stops and sighs. "At the end of high school I realized that I would only hold you back, because I relied on you for almost ' Everything '," she continued, "think about it Conner, I wouldn't have grown up to be myself with you and my parents around all the time."

"And?" I arc a brow. I know there's more she isn't telling me.

"And?" She repeats not understanding my question.

"Yeah, what more?"

"And, I guess I, uh– I didn't like the idea of sharing. . . YOU," she stammers.

I knew it!

"I didn't realize what it meant for you to be in relationship-- I was stupid Conner, I was thinking that best friends stop needing each other once they enter relationship," she admits. "I know I messed up big time, and I cannot be more apologetic!"

"There you go, I've said it all. Now you know everything," she says as she hangs her head. "Are you satisfied now? Conner? Say something please," she begs.

"I don't think you realized how much that affected me Susan," I say, a lot of emotion overwhelming me.

"But--"

"Honestly, I have nothing more to say to you right now," I acknowledge.

"I really need you to say something," she pleads desperately.

"You abandoned me!", I exclaim accusingly.

I see her lips quiver at my outburst. She hurt me so bad.

"It's a lot to take in--," I put my hands in my hair, "I- I need to go, I can't stay here," I turn and walk away with my hands in my pocket.

Susan's Pov

I didn't stop him, because the guilt I'm feeling is too heavy to handle now that I've laid out the whole truth. I think this time, I have finally lost him.

After Conner left or stormed away as it seemed, I came up to my room and laid on my bed thinking of everything that had happened because of my actions.

'Guilt of my previous mistakes is eating me alive. Nothing can save me from my own guilt. . . In all these years I haven't been able to forgive myself for what I did, how could Conner? He was my best friend and I left him. . . I moved to another state, I didn't stay in touch at all. . . That as harsh! And the worst part was that I never thought of how it would affect him or his life.'

I sighed in frustration staring at the ceiling boards.

'Coming back here has really confirmed my worst fears! I have never seen him so mad and out of place, I know he had so much to say, but I felt him hold himself back. Maybe because he didn't want to say anything he would later regret.'

I felt a wave of hurt rushed through me when he said, "you abandoned me!" It was true, I couldn't deny that.

'No apology in the world could ever make up for what I did. Even if Conner would have forgiven me right away, it wouldn't change anything now. I just can't stand the fact that I've hurt him so much and to actually see the hurt with anger flash before my eyes, makes me realize how insensitive I was. I didn't think about my actions and how it would affect others. . . How it would affect him!'

"I was a coward," I said to myself.

I couldn't handle the feelings so I ran away, I couldn't face them and I didn't. That was the worst mistake of my life! The one I can never come back from.

"I can't live like this anymore, I have to make things right! I have come back here and I should make amends with him. No matter how mad or disappointed he is in me right now, I have to do something about it. I made a mess and I have and need to fix it!" I spoke vehemently as determination filled my heart.

As Susan decided and determined on what she would do, Conner was in his apartment also thinking of their intense conversation.

Conner's Pov

How could she? Why didn't she think straight? I feel like after all these years I am going to break and lose all the patience I have worked so hard to build! This truth is too much and honestly now that I know everything, it feels unreal. Her walking out has ruined me in more than one way, and I am so mad right now!

I sit at the edge of my bed, my back bent and my elbows resting on my knees.

I inhale and breathe out through my mouth.

I had a hard time not having her in my life. When so much was changing and we were entering a new phase of our lives she just– LEFT! There is no denying that I have never fully moved on from what happened, because otherwise I would have forgiven her right then and there. It was so hard to get through my life without her.

"SHE WAS EVERYTHING TO ME!" I said feeling a tug in my heart.

She was always in my thoughts, my memories, and in my heart. But I was so scared to ruin our friendship and I thought she would never look at me the same way. I am not just mad at her, but myself too. I always knew she had trouble speaking her mind and sharing what she truly feels.

If only I had made some more efforts to know what was really going on in her head. If only I had found out the truth sooner, we wouldn't have been in this mess. She denied having any feelings for me, but then again she didn't truly understand what she felt herself. She was never the one to take risks and I should have been there for her.

I could have helped her because she must have had a hard time too. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for never knowing the real reason why she left. She ran away from her feelings ' clearly ' because she was a sacred little girl and she didn't tell me or anyone about that.

"I don't know if we can move past this," I said and plopped backwards on my bed.