The Deviant

"Sight, find Chopper, alright? Wherever he is. Only you can find him", Lady was visibly concerned.

Following the morning June left, Lady called Sight and told him to prepare and set out as soon as possible.

"Yes, Lady", Sight answered.

It was ironic that Lady should send a blind guy to look for Chopper. But Sight was the best at finding ways. Especially where Chopper was concerned, I thought only Sight and I were capable of finding him now. And since Lady seemed to have other plans for me, I figured Sight was the best man for the job.

My chair was a bit crooked and placed just a little beside Lady's table. I watched Sight's face intently. I suppose everyone that had been sent out had the same expression of "Are you getting rid of us?" but Sight seemed to have some hidden knowledge of Lady's plan. His look was that of "I suppose you'll be left alone now."

And I thought, despite everything everyone had said, it seemed only Sight really sympathized with Lady.

He didn't take much with him. I think he may have estimated his journey would be too long to start with preparations. There was no point in wasting time. He dressed up in his long white coat, placed his wide brim white hat on his head, turned to Lady, nodded and left through the door. He did pat my head before leaving though.

"Take care now, boy", he said, with a vague parting smile.

That was the last I ever saw or heard of Sight.

"Do you miss them?", Lady asked me, that afternoon.

"Not particularly", I answered.

"They're on a mission", she lied blatantly, having noticed the questions in my eyes.

"I didn't ask for an explanation."

She didn't say anything.

"Am I next, Lady?"

I genuinely wasn't sure.

"Tomorrow morning. Go to Montreuil."

"Where? Montreuil? The Jade city?"

"Yes", she answered, "Deliver this letter."

She handed me a piece of paper.

"If it's blank like last time, I'm not going to leave", I answered, taking the paper from her.

"Don't worry, it isn't blank", she was serious.

"And who am I taking it to?", I asked.

"Who else could it be? There's only one man I know in Montreuil."

"You know, Jean V.'s probably dead by now, Lady", I answered, without holding anything back.

"Probably. Go find out. And give it to him, wherever you find him. Wherever. You understand, Seraph?", she looked at me, suggestively.

I secured the letter in one of my pockets and sat by Lady's side in silence. I thought I won't find Jean and then she wouldn't let me come back before I had completed the mission, so I'll probably never get to come back.

"Lady, when you told me about my sister, I really thought I couldn't leave Valhalla anymore. I realized my atonement was perhaps the longest of us all. You weren't exactly right about everything. But I thought I was stuck for good", I confessed, for no reason.

"Well, if you feel you have something to atone for, half of your atonement is done right there", she answered, though I didn't think she meant it.

She looked so slender with her heavy fur coat gone. I'd known she was a fragile little girl for a while now, but now it was visibly true.

"I don't understand you at all, Lady."

It seemed like she'd heard that said to her so many times she was sick and tired of it.

"I tried", I continued, "Lady, could you tell me at least, what the point of it all was?"

"I could try", she answered, disinterestedly, "It'd bore you."

"I'd like to get bored right about now", I leaned a bit towards her, focusing all my attention on her.

It was late enough that Valhalla was drowned in darkness. We were only sitting by the yellow light of Lady's table lamp. And it was on its last legs too. It flickered quite frequently and sometimes, I thought it'd go out. Surprisingly, it held up all night.

"I wanted to destroy the world", she answered, "Did you know Seraph that when the world prosecuted the elves, they cut their ears off to pass off as humans?"

"You told me that, remember?"

"Yes, and when I read that, I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with this world of ours. With humans, with the elves, with everything and everyone. I felt like I could never stand a world like that. All I ever wanted, was to go to a place that wouldn't feel this wrong. I only ever wanted to be free, really."

"You really think you're free?"

"Only momentarily. I was once given all the power in the world to be free. I could have just left. But I really didn't see a way beyond that. I've never been free", she admitted.

She hadn't returned my gaze at all. She just kept staring at the table, at her little pretty box.

"When I found Chopper, he wasn't in his right mind. I don't think he realized what he was doing at all. I don't think he remembers any of it. When I met Grim, I could almost see myself in him, just as he could see himself in me. We never said it. We didn't need to. When I met Deli, she'd already seen hell in this world. I didn't think anyone needed to be saved more than her. But then I met June and Lubbock. I thought I couldn't take anymore of it. Of this world, anything. I wished I had stayed with Jean. I wished I hadn't come down that snowy mountain. I wished I hadn't left my house. I wished I hadn't been born at all."

She seemed to have drifted away into the faraway times she'd left behind. I didn't know what she was talking about.

"But then I found myself still going. And then I met Sight. Unlike me, he was never seeking freedom even when he couldn't belong to this world. He never even found out how much of an outcast he was", she paused for a short while, "Chopper and I were on our way, looking for Grim when we passed by your village. But we didn't think we could help you just yet. So it took longer than I expected to get back to you. You were our first client."

For some reason, she tried to smile.

I didn't even know if I should thank her or say something else. I was drawing a blank.

"Despite all our wretched lives...why is it that only I hate this world? Why? I don't understand. Are you okay with all this? Why don't you hate it all?", she still wasn't looking at me, "That's what I kept asking when I looked at those people around me. They seemed to be in love with the world in spite of everything. It's bizarre. I still think so."

"I don't see why we still love this world as we do. We have no reason, you're right. But we still live as we do. It's absurd, you're not wrong there. We just like it here. I don't think there's an explanation."

She remained silent.

"I thought I may just find the answer", she spoke after a while, "I believed I'd find a way out of my dilemma. I thought I would love this world just the way everyone else did."

"No one has the answer you're looking for", I answered, understanding where she was stuck.

She chuckled, lifelessly, "That's right. And that brings me back to where I started. There is something fundamentally wrong with my world. I don't believe there's any good or evil. I don't believe there's any right or wrong. But I do think there's a way and there's an opposite of that way. And those opposites...those, we call deviants. The Valkyries are deviants too. But I am perhaps the greatest of them."

I don't think it made her happy to admit it. She looked exhausted. 

I looked over at her box. She was holding it in her hands now. Knowing it was empty but refusing to open it, she was holding onto a false hope. I thought I'd leave her be. There wasn't much more of her desperation that I could see.

"Good night, Lady", I said, getting up, slowly.

She turned to me, and smiled with every ounce of energy she had left.

"Good night, Seraph."

Next morning, I left for the mission without saying goodbye. She wasn't in the hall. I passed by and found the little box open wide on her table. I didn't look for her. I left Valhalla in silence that morning.