Love and Hate

Lady had been acting strange for days. Chopper hadn't come back and she wouldn't say anything about him. I pestered Deli to tell me what was going on but she said she wasn't exactly sure. But that she knew something must have been a big deal to tick Chopper off so much.

"I just get the feeling that Lady ain't right on this one", Deli said, "It ain't up for debate. Chopper's always right. No one questions him. And this is the first time he's gone against Lady for real. Even if it all looks like we're sticking by Lady's side; really, we all know very well she's wrong."

There it was, the blind faith all Valkyries held in their principles. There were things they didn't even try to question. I think all doubting was left to Chopper himself. And when he was through, no one dared defy him. I could understand that, to be honest.

"You can go after Chopper if you want, Seraph", she said one morning, during our sparring session, "No one's gonna blame you."

It had occurred to me to go after him and I knew Lady would allow me too but I had a feeling that I shouldn't take the safe road this time.

"I wonder where Grim went", I asked her after our session was over.

I was sprawled on the ground, looking at the blue sky overhead.

"Do you think everyone will leave one by one?", I asked, lost in the blue of the sky.

She chuckled, "You'll stay, won't you?"

"Not if she tells me to go."

I don't know what it was about my reply that really made her laugh. She laughed all the way back to Valhalla and I was left alone, thinking about nothing, staring at the black Vs flying in the sky. I thought it would be winter soon.

Then I had a feeling I should see Lady and so I went up to the mound. She wasn't there. I didn't find her anywhere inside either. I asked June but she shook her head and went on with her work. I rarely saw Lady these days. It felt rather empty somehow, even though she was just one tiny person.

I was feeling icky because of the sweat but wandered around looking for her anyway. Then it hit me that there was one more place she could be. I went to the forest and headed towards the lake where we usually took our baths. I heard the distant waterfall, that was Lady's spot. I didn't care if I walked in on her like last time, so I brazenly went ahead.

But she wasn't in the water. She was standing on a tree root nearby and watching the water from a little height. I thought it might be too cold to take a bath in the pool now. But the water was shimmering and inviting. Perhaps I thought that because I was feeling icky.

"What brings you here?", she asked without looking at me as I climbed up beside her.

"You", I answered shortly.

"What do you need me for?", she asked coldly.

"Lady, I was thinking I'll go and join Chopper", I said.

"Well, do you know where he went?"

"No, I was hoping you'd tell me", I answered, dishonestly.

"Afraid I don't know either", she replied, "He could be anywhere now."

"Why did you fight with him, Lady?", I asked.

"Let's talk about something else now, Seraph".

I was glad she didn't at least ask me to leave or ignore my question entirely.

"Okay", I answered plainly, "Lady, what do you think about love?"

She looked sideways at me, suspiciously. I wore a blank face.

"I don't think about it", she replied.

But then after a long silent pause, she spoke again herself.

"It has to exist somewhere but I don't think it is as most people think of it. It's more than just an obsession. I think it has to be much more sublime, undetectable."

"Makes no sense", I muttered.

"Makes perfect sense", she said, looking at the water.

"Have you ever loved someone, Lady?"

I thought I already knew her answer. I could speak for most people in that regard, that's what I thought. People that love have a different air about them. I didn't think Lady could stoop that low.

"I've never been obsessed with anyone, if that's what you're asking", she squinted her eyes to see something in the water.

"I'm not", I was beginning to think I might just jump into the water and wash off the sweat.

"Well, I don't think I have. I couldn't bring myself to care enough. It's a fleeting world, don't you think?", she was very honest today.

"I suppose."

"Why do you ask?", she turned slightly towards me.

"Lady, have you ever hated someone?"

She fell silent.

"How does it feel like?"

"Nothing special. I'd been chasing that person for so long, because there was nothing as perfect as him. I don't respect a lot of things. But I respect him with all my being. And I hate him more than anything I've ever known."

I figured that person was still alive somewhere.

"That sounds complicated."

"Does it?", she tilted her head to a side.

"What do you think about God, Lady?", I asked her what I'd asked her a long while ago.

She remembered too, for she smiled.

"I still don't think God is interested in the likes of me. I live in a very godless world", she replied.

"You said something similar before", I answered.

"I haven't really changed."

"I don't think you can", I answered honestly.

Her smile disappeared. She agreed with me.

"That's a nice pool", I said after a very long pause.

"It's almost a stream", she said.

"I don't know, it's some sort of a nice water body", I answered, getting ready to take a dip.

"Don't take a bath here, Seraph. Leave please", she didn't want me to horde her bath.

But I had already started undressing.

"Oi", she really was bothered.

But I pretended I didn't hear her and stripped right to the bone before splashing into the ice cold water. It must have left a bad taste in her mouth but she just stood there watching me, and frowning all the while.

And as the water froze my mind numb, I thought Lady really loved all there was to love. But she hated herself. And I thought that was sad, because I didn't think even God could help her, let alone I.