Kindness of the Aloof

I'm not a fan of kindness. It sounds like a sad thing when I say this but people who go out of their way to be kind to me, always seem so far off. I think its better to be kind with a certain degree of aloofness. Perhaps you think, people like Chopper and Lady are just about the thing I'm talking about. But those people have a world of their own. They have no need for kindness, not for themselves and not for others. It seems to me that those of us that really live on the outside, the ones that aren't living at the edge, we are the ones that need something so paltry as kindness.

My father was a kind man. Even though I was born without any magic, when the other kids made fun of me or left me behind in their games, he'd always come along to grab my hand. Even though I wasn't the youngest of my siblings, I was still the one that got piggy back rides from him. I'm sure he loved us all the same but I distinctly remember his adoration for me. My mother had little presence in our childhood. I think he must have felt that he ought to play both of the roles for us.

But then, eventually, he stopped. Even though he knew I was being alienated by the other kids, he pretended he didn't see anything. It never made me sad. I think, if anything, I was relieved. Instead of being mocked for being weak, I found being treated with special care to be more painful. His intense kindness left me with a gaping hole, a knowledge of my own inferiority. Still, I wonder sometimes, about the reason his kindness faded away so suddenly. Was it my mother's death? No, he had seen it coming for a long time now. I wonder what it was. That too is a hole that I can't seem to fill in.

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"So", I spoke, sternly, "What's with the attitude?"

She tilted her head to a side, lips sealed. Her eyes didn't meet mine.

"Why did you even come here?", I realized it was rude of me to say that. But she didn't mind.

She was particularly cold towards Mills and Neil. Even though those two boys treated us so well, she seemed to have no regard for them. Mills didn't seem to do well with her harsh behavior. And Neil, the loudmouth, wasn't one to stay silent about this treatment of his brother's hospitality. He had had a row with her earlier, a one sided row really. I had decided to ask her then, why she was being like this.

"Isn't it obvious?", she answered vaguely, staring out the window. It was pouring.

It was our second day in Shamballa. We had gone out this morning, as a group, just like the day before. Serena insisted we couldn't stay put. It wasn't a good decision though. We soon got in a spat with some of the villagers. It was clear that we weren't welcomed. People didn't like us much. Or to be precise, there was one faction that didn't like us and it was those people that had escorted us to the Doctor's lair.

I tried to settle the matter but Lubbock, being the hero of justice, had to go out and make things worse. Honestly though, he wasn't wrong. The faction insisted that we be thrown in jail, but Mills claimed we had his protection. It seemed they couldn't do anything if someone was willing to vouch for us.

"It isn't", I was a little angry, "I won't ask you to be nice to them but at least have some regard for the people who are keeping us safe against the will of the people."

"They are just the same, Seraph. You simply aren't able to see that."

"You are right. I'm not. That's why I'm asking you, why won't you say anything? You know something, don't you?"

She pursed her lips, "I'm sorry, Seraph. I can't say any more than this."

"Then do you just expect me to take your word for it? And do what about it exactly? Just the same, you say? Am I supposed to trust that?"

"Then, I'll tell you this. You asked me how I got here, right? The owner of the tavern showed me the way."

The owner? So then...hold on, doesn't that mean he knew I was lying all along? Shamballa was where all the citizens of Agartha fled to. So he must have known right from the start that we weren't there for our father's house. He must have known we were outsiders and that we were lying. Is that why he was so cold to me?

"Then...he knew?", I was thinking out loud.

"With that dramatic lie of yours, I don't see who wouldn't."

"Where is he? Didn't he come along with you?"

"That's the whole thing I'm trying to tell you, Seraph. He knows how to get here. But he didn't come along. He chose not to."

"Why?"

"That's what I need you to find out. As for trusting anything, if there's someone that you absolutely shouldn't trust, it's Lubbock."

I was taken aback, unable to say a thing. What made her say that?

"Why?"

"I'm sorry, Seraph. I can't say any more", saying, she unfolded her arms, looked my way one last time before leaving my room.

I sat there thinking about what she had said. For now, it made no sense. I knew what my mission here was now. I needed answers. I knew if I could get those answers, I'd be able to get out. But I wasn't sure anymore, if I'd be getting out alone or with Lubbock. There was one thing for sure, though. Only one person could answer my questions and that was Doctor Ema.