Pigs are smart. But there real special ability is to just not give a fuuuuuuu (Rewritten)

Me and Craig walked down a dirt road. The smell of rock was heavy in the air. Coal, diamond and a hint of gold. I had gained the ability to discern between different rocks due to the time I spent in the pit. I just got the nose skills.

"So Craig. Do you think you could find me a rock seller that is small and weak? One with enough economic weakness that I would be their biggest and most valuable customer?" I asked him.

"Ummmmm. Yes, there should probably be someone..... Hopefully." He murmured.

I nodded.

"Okay good."

And so we looked around the marketplace. After seeing my sack of money most people tried to sell us something. Some even tried to mug us. But I just beat them down with my sack. Turns out a sack of metal is quite an effective blunt weapon.

But after hours of searching, we had found no weak independent rock sellers. I'll be honest with you. I had no idea what to do.

"To be able to sell goods in the capital and be weak and independent is actually sort of impossible." Craig had said.

I remember looking at him with a plastered smile and responding.

"How about we just ask the rock sellers about what other rock sellers they know."

He responded by yelling. "They're called minors. Not rock sellers!" His face was beet red. Clearly, he had gotten self-conscious about the fact that he didn't think about asking the rock sellers.

He was a silly guy. Why would a little kid be selling rocks?!?

But I digress. My point is that now. We had finally reached someone who seemed to have some information.

SHe was a small woman with red hair and frugal twitching eyes. She had a market stand which was filled with red rubies and protected by a squad of four guards.

"Do you know any rock sellers who operate entirely on their own?" I asked.

The woman who was just about to try to sell me a ruby looked at me with a confused smile.

"I only have a good memory when people make a purchase." Her smile grew slightly frigid. Any fool could tell that she was trying to get me to bribe her. But it would be funner if I just took her at face value.

"I could recommend you to someone who could solve that problem. He's a special chiropractor who chiropracts away people's imperfections."

Her face paled.

"This chiropractor you speak of. Are they strong?" She asked me.

"Yes. How else do you think they bend people's spines?" I responded.

Her eyes darted side to side like a scared animal and her breathing grew accelerated and erratic.

"Okay. You can find a small independent miner at the west cave. Be careful though he's very aggressive." She said.

I turned to Craig.

"Do you know where that is?" I asked him, he had been sitting quietly behind me this whole time.

"West cave? Yeah, I know where that would be." He responded.

My grin widened. I spun around on the back foot and walked away from her stall. Towards west.

"Let's go take the fourth step to change the world." I said my words dripping with charisma and valor

"Umm. Greg. You're walking east. The right way is west." Said Craig

I spun on my back foot again and changed directions.

🐐🐖🐐🐖🐐

Rather than moving by conventional methods I liked to move by parkour. Me and Craig would jump from house to house and wall to wall in order to reach our location. We moved in a straight line west not letting any buildings or other obstructions stop us. Luckily the things that the arch granny used to keep my hole together didn't seem to be mainstream. Because there weren't many skyscrapers obstructing us. In fact there were almost no skyscrapers at all.

If they had those pink metals then everybody would be building skyscrapers.

Finally, after what had to be an hour of running we reached the cave.

I smelt of rotted flesh and blood. In fact, the smell was so great that It overpowered my nose making my eyes water.

"What that smell." I Asked

"Compost."

"AHHHH!" I screamed.

In front of me standing at the entrance to a cave was a man so soot-covered that it could practically be called blackface. He had a beard that went down to his waist. He had an ever-present glare on his face. He held a pickaxe in his left hand and a hammer in his right.

"Are you here to buy ore?" He asked.

I smiled.

"I'm here to buy you." His eyes almost seemed to spark when I said that.

"Sure come into my cave with me." I nodded and began to walk in. Craig followed right behind me.

He pressed his hand into Craig's shoulder. Which was impressive given he was up to Craig's waist.

"No. I meet with you alone. No Garen-infused madmen allowed." He said. Craig's forehead wrinkled as his lips raised up into a snarl masquerading as a smile that showed too much gum.

~I'll just go on my own. It's not like I'm looking for a fight. I'm just trying to negotiate. Also, Who the fuck is Garen?~

"Calm down Craig. It's just a business negotiation it's not a big deal." I told him.

"Haaaaaa. Okay." Craig nodded and stepped back while muttering. "Garen infused. Hphm. at least I'm kind of strong."

I followed him into the cave.

The first thing I noticed were bones. They were strategically placed on the ground and seemed to trace out a pair of wings, a ribcage and some bird-like legs.

"Did you kill that thing?" I asked him. He smiled in response.

"Yup. It was fun to fight." He said

"Cool." The skeleton itself was already four times my size. I could barely imagine what the actual beast would be like. That terrified me.

"Well. Come on then. We need to go to the..... To the meeting room!" With a snap and a spin, he walked farther into the cave.

He led me into a rounded room made from what looked to be sanded-down stone.

*Thump*

The ground was in my face and a hammer was on my back. It happened in the barest fraction of a moment I could not have reacted even if I knew it was coming.

"NO ONE IN THE MINING BUSINESS LOOKS LIKE YOU TWO DO! YOU'RE HERE TO TAKE MY LAND!"

He raised the hammer into the air. Clearly, he was preparing to slam it down for what would assuredly be a killing blow.

A serene calm washed over me. When I was just starting out with my career in rulership I went through a year where someone would attempt to kill me around twice per day. I had developed this instinct in my gut. One that told me where to move.

I rolled to the right.

My bones shook from the shock wave and cracks that spider-webbed out from the impact point covering the ground below me.

"I WILL NOT LET YOU STEAL MY LOVE! MY HOLY ONE! MY SEXY ORE!" A pickaxe flew through the air spinning with supersonic speeds. I was not fast enough to dodge.

~I'm not supposed to die. I'M THE GOAT! I'M LIKE A GOD! THE WORLD SHOULD BE LICKING MY DIVINE TOES NOT TRYING TO END ME!~

(Hey guys. future Greg here. Toe licking is an offically unbased thing. I was just really into the moment. Please don't lick my toes.)

The world flicked and stuttered. Just as the tip pickaxe was about to make contact with my eye. The world fully faded to black.

I shivered. I was back In that…. Place. Darkness > Mania. By the end of it I wouldn't remember who I was and why I ever existed in the first place.

"Please no." I muttered to myself.

I didn't want to suffer that Again. I'd do anything. Slavery. Hell. Even having my toes licked. I'd do all that If I just could avoid the dark.

"GOAT. GOAT. GOAT." A truly deranged voice chanted.

With a flicker of white a familiar figure appeared in the void. I stared at it with the eyes of a possessed man.

Mother?

"I'm here to tell you that I can't saaaaaaa." The ghost slumped into the void. It floated there completely unconscious.

*Thump, Thump, Thump*

The void shook. Walking through it was the deranged cross between a pig and a man. It stood so tall that one would think it was one of the most elaborate mechs to ever be made.

Its nostrils flared.

"Pigs are actually quite smart animals. In fact, the ever-praised dogs are actually a lot stupider than a pig. But despite that. Pigs still squirm around in piles of mud and shit while snorting happily. Surely they're smart enough to know that it's unsanitary. But then why do they do it? Simple. BECAUSE THEY JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK!"

The massive creature slammed its hooves into the…. Something. This caused the void to shake.

"You might be a goat. But you're a human. Meaning you got to have some of that pig's blood in you! Somewhere deep down. YOU JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK! BECAUSE IF YOU HAD UNLIMTED FUCKS TO GIVE YOU WOULDN'T BE A HUMAN! YOU'D BE THOSE WEIRD INFINTY THINGS. AND YOUR A HUMAN! YOUR A WEAK ASS MORTAL BITCH BOY WHO CAN GIVE A LIMITED AMOUNT OF FUCKS AND GET A LIMITED AMOUNT OF PUSSY."

The creature pulled its fist back and punched into the void. It shattered into little fragments.