Loveless marriage

Naomi wiped away the fresh tears with further embarrassment.

"You… you want to love me?" She couldn't believe what he seemed to be saying. She didn't expect this at all after the day they had experienced together.

"I think a real wife deserves to be loved," He replied after a moment. Something wasn't quite right in the way he said it, but she refused to overanalyze it right now.

"I am blessed amongst women to have such a husband. Thank you, Caspian." She beamed at him, saying his name for the first time. "Clarity is very important to me. Thank you for telling me all this."

He paused, then gave her a brief smile. It seemed he must value clarity as well.

"What must I do to prepare for tomorrow?" She asked, and his smile faded. "Is something wrong?"

"Women do not go on voyages, normally," Caspian replied. "It is bad luck. It impedes the men from completing all their tasks properly and completely."

"In what way?" Her brow furrowed. Were Cetoan men so easily distracted by a woman's presence, or was something else at play? Caspian's mouth twisted as he formed a response.

"Keeping you safe will now become the first priority on the ship. Normally, the priorities are more properly ordered." He explained.

"Is it unsafe for me to be there?" She had never been on a boat.

"It can be unsafe for anyone," He admitted, "but particularly so for women."

"Why is that?" Naomi still didn't understand.

"I can explain another time. It does not matter right now," Caspian waved dismissively.

"If my presence will be detrimental to the voyage, I should stay on land… but then your father will not let you go," Naomi began to fret.

"That is true," Caspian replied, watching her.

Had she messed everything up? Did he want her to come or not?

"What would you have me do?" She gave up trying to guess what the right answer was.

Her husband's eyebrows rose, and she remembered too late that she was supposed to be more assertive. It was not her natural state of being, and a difficult thing to keep in mind. She sighed deeply.

"You have been clear with me, so I will endeavor to do the same with you. It is," She paused and swallowed a lump in her throat, dropping her eyes to the floor, "very difficult for me to be assertive and speak my mind without being asked. I also deplore decision-making in general. I would much rather be told what I'm expected to do than to take charge of a situation."

"I wouldn't have guessed that," he responded, looking at her up and down. "Why have you been pretending, then?" 

"Mayra asked a lot of questions on the journey here. She told me that Cetoan women are assertive and take charge. I am doing my best to try for that," She cringed, wondering how badly she was messing up admitting it. But, this was better. Honesty. Openness was better than hiding in her own home.

"So why tell me now?" He leaned forward, seemingly intrigued by her admission.

"First, because you told me something truthful about your intent in this marriage, and I thought you deserved the same from me. Second, because…" She paused here, and gathered up her courage.

Caspian sat in his chair, watching a battle play out across her expressive face.

"Because…" He coaxed after a moment.

She closed her eyes and then met his gaze. 

"Because you said that a wife deserves to be loved. If you intend to try to love me, then I would rather be loved for myself, and not for who I can pretend to be. If I am unlovable as I am, I would rather know that than guess at it."

He swallowed, looking dumbstruck. She watched him for a few moments as he blinked and searched for a reply. She was regretting being so vulnerable when he finally spoke once more. 

"If love does not come," He provided, "We can still have a friendly marriage."

"I would much rather be friends than enemies," Her shoulders finally relaxed from tension she didn't know she'd held in them. "This wasn't what I expected in marriage. You're very kind, Caspian. Thank you."

"What did you expect?" He blurted out. Her face colored, but that seemed to intensify his curiosity. "Please tell me."

Naomi chewed her lower lip for a moment before answering. He was asking more of her than she had ever considered explaining to him, but as her husband he deserved to know what was in her mind, didn't he? She hoped so. 

"I expected for the marriage to jump straight into housework, and chores, and other tasks the Cetoan women do. This week of us just being together while meals are brought is different. I was warned, or um, informed, rather, about what happens at night," her color deepened and she quickly moved on, "but encouraged that it brings about children, and so I intended to hold out and be loved by my children instead of hoping for a husband's affection."

Caspian stared at her, open-mouthed. The silence extended and Naomi couldn't manage to raise her eyes above where her hands nervously clasped together. What must he think? She wished he would speak!

"What do you expect of me, as a wife?" She finally could stand the quiet no longer. Usually she cherished it, but not after she made such a statement as she had. She needed him to speak for her to know whether she'd deeply offended or shocked him in a lasting way.

"You have exceeded my expectations already," He admitted, but she noticed he did not say exactly what his expectations had been in the first place. "You have done many chores in a day that it would have taken me a long time to get around to, or my mother would have eventually done them when she noticed my neglect."

"I will learn to cook," She named her largest perceived shortcoming of the day.

"You seem to already know how. You can cook things you like and know how to make; it matters not to me." He seemed sincere in this regard. "Calm yourself. You act as if I'll beat you if you do something wrong."

Her eyes dropped to the ground and she flinched at the statement. She hadn't worked up the courage to ask how common it was for women to be beaten by their husbands here. Caspian hadn't done anything to indicate he would be violent, but she knew that sometimes it was hard to tell.

His demeanor changed suddenly. Her reaction had clearly bothered him, and she wondered why. Had he been making a joke that she reacted poorly to? Had she inadvertently offended him by not being sure that he was not a woman-beater? How would she be able to know such a thing? 

"It has been a long day. We should rest," He decided. She smiled warmly at his thoughtfulness, but a pronounced frown was his response. His thoughts were incredibly hard to discern, and she wondered how long it would take to learn to interpret them. 

They both looked toward the bedroom before looking back at each other. Though there was an understanding about what *wouldn't* happen in that room, it was still unclear exactly what would.

Caspian noticed Naomi biting her lip again and rolled his eyes.

"You're going to draw blood at the rate you're going." He chastised, glancing pointedly at her mouth.

She clamped her lips together in response, but gave no other reply. He softened.

"Go ahead and change and get in bed. I'll be in shortly." His voice was gentler now than it had been. 

"Thank you," She whispered, grateful for the instruction. She dashed into the room and softly shut the door behind her. The modesty might be a little illogical given that the man was her husband, but it was deeply ingrained in her.

Old habits were difficult to discard. She washed herself with water from the basin, changed into her nightdress, and quickly rebraided her hair so it would not tangle during the night. She climbed into bed and pulled the blanket up to her chin. 

She belatedly wished she had grabbed the second blanket, but it was too late now. She was safely hidden under the covers and would not risk coming out now just for the sake of being a little warmer during the night. 

Caspian came in shortly thereafter, and picked up his neatly folded nightclothes from where Naomi had placed them that morning. Her eyes widened and she quickly rolled onto her side facing the wall to give him privacy.

Did men have the same modesty issues as women? She didn't think so, but staring at him while he changed seemed incredibly awkward. She closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep as she felt his weight lower onto the bed. It would be a long night.