Chapter 7 - One Can Only Dream

"I Am Big, It's the Pictures That Got Small "

July 14, 2001

I never thought I'd see the light of day til the night has shaken me once again.I never had an intention to seek opportunity but Lady Luck wins again.That little film I made with friends from school was quiet successful.

It was a fun experience, I mean Christ how many can say that they've starred in a cult classic film ? I say this as we got awful reviews and it sold badly but when it came out to dvd, boy did it sell.You'd see people having posters, shirts or even tattoos of my character.The tattoos the head of a Basset Hound with hearts for eyes, it's located on my left arm; but remember mine wasn't real.

I was at a park with Laura and her family, they were celebrating her little cousins birthday.It was about three to four dozen people In attendance.It felt just like Marc's birthdays when he was younger.I was standing there with Laura as I smoked a cigarette, I was really nervous.

"Come play with us …" said a little kid who approached, I shrugged him off as they walked away saddened.Laura smacked my arm and said

"Come on, don't be an ass …"

I was annoyed but I threw out my cigarette and walked up to the child.

"Hey kid, hey let's play then …"

I said as he started to smile, such an adorable smile.

He started walking up to a bunch of other kids who are playing football.They all span from the age of 8-13,

"Hey what's your name kid ?" I asked the boy as he replied

"Tim "

Tim was in front of a boy as he said

"Are you guys playing yet ?"

The other boy responded

"Yea, you wanna join ?"

He nodded as I was aside him,

"He's too old " said a boy as some laughed,

Tim looked frustrated as we started to play.

Well I'm not very good at this as these boys ran like hell just get the ball.The quarterback is in front of me as I didn't even try to get him, I just wailed my arms in the air as he threw it.I looked as I saw Tim was right open as I was excited

"Come on- come on, he's got that shit …"

I whispered as he was about to get it, my god he's gonna catch it.It was in the tip of his fingers as another had his eyes set on him, and bullseye; he got tackled.

"Ahhh" yelled out Tim as others around the party looked, some laughed as others cheered on the boy that tackled him.I quickly approached Tim as so did another woman.

"My god, you aright mijo !" Asked the woman as I said

"Oh he'll be okay, he's a tuff boy …" I had my hands in my pockets as she looked at me in distress and said

"How would you know smart ass, you a doctor ?"

I felt embarrassed as she hurried the kid away to help his little scratch as I walked back to Laura.

"We almost leaving ?" I asked her as I approached, she was stirring on a park table as she was eating sweet breads and chocolate milk.

"Why so soon, we just got here ?" She asked as I felt very out of place, I've been to events with Laura's family before but this just isn't right.

"I've just don't feel so comfortable here …" I said as she gave me that look, the same look I got when we first met.I was hypnotized to stay but my mind didn't agree,

"Look if you want to leave it's fine, I'll meet you at home later on tonight; okay ?" She said as I smiled and replied

"Alright, love you …."

I hurried to my car as I looked at the people who were arriving for this birthday party.I got up to the parking lot as I got the keys out of my pocket.At least a dozen or more people arrived as it looked like two or three families. They had their presents and their own alcohol to give out.I see this little boy who's carrying a Hennessy bottle as the father Carried the gifts, how sweet.

I get in the car as I drive off to ease my mind as I feel too many emotions; the kind that suicide wishes to be.To hell with it I thought, I looked into the glove compartment as I looked through to find an old business card.It was one of those men I worked with on that movie with, I only interacted with him once at it's all I needed to know he was legit.

I got to a traffic light as it was red, I stopped as I had the radio on.

"We've Only Just Begun " by Carpenters started to play I was now just remembering my old high school days as I thought about Ryan, if only he could see me now.People walk by as the traffic light was on its countdown.I looked at that calling card once again as I was hesitant as I thought about that conversation.

Let's go back to February 2, 2001 where I was

Sitting with this man on a lunch break.He was about 5'9 with blonde hair and brown eyes, he wore a denim pants and a cardigan; he looked ridiculous but I guess that's his style.I was in costume as we both shared a whole pizza.

"So….hmmm-" he said as he enjoyed a slice,

"I have works in another film that I think you're perfect for …."

He intrigued me as I asked

"What kind of film ?" He formed his slice of pizza into a taco fold as he said with his mouth full.

"Well it's a film that I'm in partnership with some MGM assholes and I need to find a cast and you look just perfect…"

Keep in mind I was in makeup so I looked like Buddy Holly on crack.I am still intrigued by his talking as I wondered why a guy like this is, is working here ?

"What job do you have ?" I asked as he replied

"AD department….let's hope I'm doing well …."

We both laughed as the pizza was halfway done, I felt full but one more slice never felt better.

"Alright so you work as a casting director and in advertisements right now ?" I asked as he nodded, he was on his third slice, I was about to be on my second.

"That's right but look we can offer you $ 125,000 but we need to know by July 16th…." He said as he put his slice down and cleaned off the grease on a napkin, he then proceeded to get out his business card.It had a white background with black and bold text with a little logo at the bottom left side of the it; it was interesting.

"So call me if you're interested…"

I took the card as I nodded and took the card and said

"Alright thanks …."

So back to present time, the light turned green as I drove but quickly got to a quiet neighborhood as I parked on the street.I looked again at the card as it was crinkled and losing its color as it was looking yellow, not noticeable but it's presence is known.I just don't know if this is the right thing to do right now or if I should just let it be, it's now or never.I looked around to see a kid using roller skates, he was struggling.He was rollerskating fine until a bad bump in the sidewalk made him fall.He fell on face as I just cringed at his little pain, I got out of the car.

"Aye you okay kid ?" I asked as I see him getting his footing,

"Yea I feel great !" He said sarcastically as he rubbed his knees, they were scraped badly.I felt idiotic for even asking as I approached him.I took a look at his injuries as he also seemed to have scrapes on his face and was bleeding from his ankle.

"Want me to take you to the hospital or something ?" I asked calmly as I he was in some pain.

"No, mom and dad say no hospitals…" he replied as he stopped wining, I was confused at this thought as he reached out to me as I helped him back on his feet.I did so as he fixed himself and began to roller-skate, he did in a passionate manor as this left me more confused.I'm starting to wonder if I'm in a fucking simulation or is this kid Hercules resurrected.He strolled off as if nothing happened, I've never seen such a thing.

"Alright, safe travels kid !" I yelled as I waved him goodbye, tuff son of a bitch.

July 15, 2001

6:00 am

I stood in my room at around six in the morning as the sun struggled to rise.I was thinking, like genuinely thinking if I make this call; I'll be changing my Course of life as I know it.I do all of this in the name of my old friendships, friendships I tend to keep.I'll be doing Ryan justice with all this but what if this film will be another flop cult classic or maybe my big break ?

To hell with it, I walked out of the room as I went to the living room and got the house phone.I began to put in the number as I already had the business card on the phone table, just itching to be used.

It rung as I was nervous, as nervous as when I first started all this; the old cast and crew said I was Great and a natural but I just feel they say that out of pity.

"Yes, hello …..?" I asked as I heard nothing for a moment, I was confused.I walked circles around the living room as I said

"Never mind, wrong number -" I was interrupted by that same man I met so long ago.

"Dolton my boy, calling so late now…I guess you truly are a man of suspense….so, you want to be part of the film ?" He asked as I was a bit relieved, I thought this guy had been fucking with me.

"Uh- uh yes, I'd love too….how do I get started ?" I asked as he quickly replied

"Oh don't you worry about that, I'll pick you up- you just be ready in thirty minutes …."

7:35 am

I was dressed in a simple slim khaki pants and a blue long sleeve button up shirt with brown dress shoes.I felt idiotic but I had to look professional for these type of people, I wish they were professional with me about punctuation.

I looked at the clock as it now turned 7:36 as I was very annoyed and anxious.I mean can this man still be messing with me even now, he's probably laughing at the thought of me being all dressed up just for me to be left disappointed; that bastard.

I was defeated as I quickly and aggressively took off the shirt and stayed in my white tank top I had underneath.I knew this was too good to be true, I headed for the kitchen as I went into the fridge.I see it looking organized with all sorts of fat and processed foods but I ignored all that and went to get an ice cream sandwich, My god I love these things.

I went back into the living room as I turned in the tv as a channel was playing To Kill A Mockingbird.I sat there as I was heavily interested as I tried to ease my mind of being made a fool by this man.I unwrapped the sandwich as all of a sudden a knocked occurred on the door, I jumped.I smiled but still had a bit of anger of being made to wait for so long.I got up and went to answer the door, I opened it;

"Hey you ready -" he said as I slammed the door on him, at least I can get a last laugh.I turned and took a few steps as he knocked again as I opened once again as he said quickly,

"Okay hold on- I deserve that big seriously pal I'm sorry but let's go, they're waiting on us …."

He started running over to his car as I got the collared shirt and rushed over with him, ice cream sandwich in my mouth ad I carried it; it melts.

He had a 1969 dodge charger as I entered with him, "I gotta ask you…. Am I getting kidnapped ?" I asked as he laughed.He started driving as I was still skeptical but excited.

We arrived as I had finished that ice cream sandwich so long ago as we arrived on a studio set, I was astonished and felt grateful to be in another film.I have to have that strive and commitment to make all those who doubted me proud and those I've promised glory to feel accomplished.

"Come on man …" said the man as he parked in the studio parking lot.We both got out as I followed him, this place is a nonchalant chaos as no one gives a shit who you are yet and if you are a somebody, they loathe you for it in secret.

I can't imagine how far I've come from high school in such a short time.I went from a silly kid enjoying life to a wannabe vigilante getting revenge then to a lover boy and now a copycat James Dean.You may seek and follow your heart to commit to your dreams but what goods a dream without the reality of disappointment.

We walked by the place like it was a busy diner as people going left and right fighting and arguing but in the end of the day, the job is done.I walked through a set as the man told me,

"Look that other film we've worked on, it's child's play compared to this okay, this is you skipping college basketball and going straight to the NBA; this is the biggest favor I could give you, don't forget that …."

As he said this I've walked by a director arguing with a woman as a little boy stood aside her, I'm assuming mother and son.

"Listen if he can't make himself cry, then we'll dump him and get another kid who can …" said the director as the mother angrily replied,

"Well what you want me to do, tell him Santa ain't real ?-"

They went on as we made it out of the set and got to a different one.

"You thirsty or something ?" Asked the man as I said

"No I'm good- hey what's this film about ?"

He was ignored it as he said

"It's a classic already but look- you sure you ain't hungry or thirsty or something ?" I said no again as he accepted that and went on.

We made it inside as the place was totally silent as people turned to us and signaled us to be silent.

"Alright, alright …." Whispered the man as they were in the middle of a scene with a woman sitting in a kitchen as she started to cry.

She slowly reached over at a prop kitchen knife on the table and stabbed- what appeared to be a big old juicy steak.She stabbed it repeatedly as she let out a groan with each stab, she was aggravated.She broke through the fake plate as she stopped stabbing and had the knife still standing downward.The steak bled as the woman was out of breath.

It was silent as nobody moved but the director, he then said

"Cut !- fucking perfect …." They all cheered each other on as The man I was with approached the director,

"Aye I got a guy for that film you were talking about …"

He said as the director was excited as he replied,

"Oh perfect- perfect, my boy are you ready to make history once again ?"

He was hyping it up like we were resurrecting god of something, sounded like a mad man.We walked as the man left us two alone for a moment and I'm still confused to what the hell I'm doing here.

He started yapping his mouth as I interrupted him and asked

"I'm sorry- I'm sorry …. But what the hell- " I sighed as we stopped,

"What the hell am I going to do ?"

He looked at me and laughed as he said

"What do you mean, you're going to act …."

I was more furious as I said in a demanding tone,

"Look look I know what the fuck I'm suppose to be-" I stopped my language to not be making a bad impression.

"I know I'm suppose to act but can I get exact details on script or character or anything at least ?"

He patted my shoulder as he replied

"Yes, of course I will, be ready in five !"

He walked away in a fast pace as I stood there in a somewhat relief.What the hell do I do now, am I dreaming ?

I finally decided to move myself out of this place as I found an exit sign, I could feel all of this was too much.I looked around to see me chaos as I felt light headed and felt a nauseating urge.I now know this little struggle shall be my demise if I stay.I got out of there as I was in a hurry to leave, took a moment but I found my way out of there.

I walked this quiet neighborhood that was aside the studio.I walked as I looked into my wallet once again, I had some money.I got near a little convenient store as I entered and thought about one thing, another ice cream sandwich.