Stop Tempting Me

"Turuan mo akong magdrive." isn't it time for me to learn? Tutal I'm already 17 now. Malapit na akong maging 'legal'.

"There's no need for that Lilliana." I pouted. Anong there's no need? Paano kita pupuntahan kung ganoon? I racked my brain for another excuse.

"It's not like I can't use it in the future. Paano na lang pag emergency?" such as I-wanna-see-you-now emergency.

"Not now Lilliana. Isa pa, wala ka pang lisensya. Tsaka nariyan naman si Mang Delfin." nakakunot na sabi niya. I can only ask Mang Delfin if it's approved by dad or if it's within the bounds of 'acceptable'. Paano na lang sa mga gray areas? Sa mga lugar na parang pwede, parang hindi? Will I wait for dad's ruling? If that's the case, then I have no choice but to ask my friends to fetch me to and fro.

"Pero Joaqui-" I stopped when he tensed his jaw. Balak ko pa sanang lambingin siya e. Maybe I should take it slow. Mahirap na at baka magalit ko pa siya.

"Stop pushing your luck. Tuturuan kita pag nasa edad ka na." pagsang-ayon niya kahit halatang labag sa loob. Nabuhayan ako ng marinig iyon. I'll never ask just anyone to teach me how to drive. Si Joaquin lang. Siya lang dapat.

"Sabi mo yan ha. Baka magbago ang isip mo pag tutuparin mo na." hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at nilaro ang kanyang palad. His hands are made for holding me. Ito ang ipipilit ko.

He smirked. Looking at my delighted face littered with my curly errant hair. I tried to make them act prim but they keep on protesting on having their way. Parang ako lang, I'm on the stage wherein I'm trying to break the cage of my innocence.

Maggagabi na ng ihatid niya ako sa bahay. We spent the whole weekends together doing things normally. I can just sit and watch him eat and it will still be worth it.

Happy was an understatement to describe my current state. I feel elated. Pakiramdam ko ibang lebel na ang relasyon namin pero natatakot akong kumpirmahin. Joaquin never gets touchy. Madalas inaalalayan lang ako pero binibitawan rin agad. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung wala lang ba sa kaniya o tinutukso lang ako. Everytime it happens, my heart beats eratically.

"Kailan ulit kita makikita?" nilakasan ko na ang loob ko para tanungin siya. Bahala na kung ano man ang maging interpretasyon nito. I gave my best puppy face.

"Miss mo na agad?" he smugly looked at me. I bit my lips to stop it from smiling. "I'll visit with your kuyas next time. Hindi mo mamamalayan nandito na ulit ako." tumango ako. He pats my head like a very good child being rewarded. There's a trace of fondness in his eyes that I always see when he's relaxed. Malayo sa masungit niyang tingin tuwing hindi nagugustuhan ang ginagawa ko.

Georgina keep on pestering me about our real score. Madalas na kasi niya akong bisitahin kahit wala naman siyang importanteng gagawin. Dinedeny lang niya kapag tinatanong ko. Mayroon pa daw siyang ibang pinagkakaabalahan pero alam ko naman ang totoo. If he wants to play it like this, pagbibigyan ko siya. It's not as if it's not what I want.

Nakapagdesisyon na akong wag magpaliguy-ligoy. I'll ask him to be clear. Oo o hindi lang naman. Maganda na ang alam ko kung nasaan ba ako para sa kaniya. I gulped, feeling my nerves in disarray just from thinking what ifs.

"Lilliana" he uttered my name. Natauhan ako sa kakaisip ng kung ano. Looking at him, he's surely annoyed with that sharp eyes that is unfathomably dark. "Ano'ng iniisip mo? Kanina pa kita tinatawag."

I smiled. "Wala naman." Kung alam mo lang na ikaw ang iniisip ko kahit kasama na kita. He pursed his lips. Hindi natuwa sa sagot ko. Itinago ko ang namumulang mukha.

"Really?" his voice filled with distate.

"Really."

"Are you thinking about someone?" he tensed his jaw. Parang batang nagmamaktol. "Iniisip mo ang iba habang nandito ako Lilliana?" are you jealous? Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. He can't blame me for liking him. Can he? May kasalanan din siya. His words and actions encouraged me.

"Joaquin…" I whispered.

"Baka kung sinong lalaki na yan." nasamid ako ng marinig ito. Ikinuyom niya ang kaniyang kamay para kontrolin ang sarili. "You have someone you like?" may halong pagbabanta ang mga katagang sinabi niya.

I looked at him straight in the eye. Hindi ko pa din mapigilan ang mamangha. Everything about him is perfect. A masterpiece, that, he is.

"You know I like you." bulong ko, pero sapat na para marinig niya. Nanlalamig ang buo kong pagkatao. I can't take it back now. I already laid it bare. Akala ko ba hindi ka pa handa Lilliana? Pero ito ka at umaamin na.

Hinintay ko ang magiging reaksyon niya. Bukod sa pagkabigla ay hindi ko maipaliwanag ang nakita ko. May takot, kaba, saya at pagkabigo. I spaced out, questioning myself what have I done? Dali-dali akong lumayo, nagbabakasakaling matakasan ang sandaling ito.

"Alam mo ba ang sinasabi mo Lilliana?" natigil ako sa paglakad ng marinig ang boses niya. Pasimple kong pinunasan ang luhang nakawala.

I squared my shoulders and faced him. Am I ready? Not really. Ang lapit lang niya pero bakit parang hindi ko pa din siya maabot? Ilang hakbang pa ba ang kailangan kong gawin? "I like you." Hindi ko na namukhaan ang boses na narinig ko dahil sa panginginig nito. I took a shaky breath and compose myself.

"Lilliana." parang kinukurot ang puso ko ng marinig siya. Umiling ako para pigilan ang mga susunod na sasabihin niya. Ayaw kong tanggihan niya ako habang hindi ko pa nasasabi ang lahat. Alam kong sa huli, wala akong magagawa kung hindi ang pakinggan ang sagot niya sa tanong ko. Pero hindi magbabago ang katotohanang gusto ko siya.

"Joaquin, gusto kita." I raised my chin like a Severino that I am. "Gustong-gusto." I stilled myself to continue. "Hindi bilang kuya katulad ng pagtingin ko sa mga kapatid ko.God knows I've had too much already. Iba ang nararamdaman ko para sa iyo." tumulo ang luha ko kasabay ng paggaan ng kalooban. Inamin ko na, hindi ko alam na ganito pala kabigat ang nararamdaman ko. Para akong naubusan ng lakas, nanlalambot ang buong katawan. Ni hindi ko na kayang suportahan pati ang pagtayo.

Joaquin pulled me to him. Hindi siya nagsalita. Niyakap lang ako ng mahigpit habang hinahaplos ang aking likuran. I heard him chuckle but I was so out of it that maybe I mistook it. I squeezed him tightly, not wanting to let go. Para akong bateryang biglang nakargahan, unti-unting nabubuhayan. Being enveloped by his warmth feels so comfortable, it feels like home. Please make him my home.

"You silly, silly girl." malambing na sabi niya. He kissed my hair making my heart melt. Nag-init ang mukha ko. Tell me this is real. "Who told you to confess like that. Naghintay ka dapat." he scolded me lovingly. I buried myself in his arms as if we're not close enough. Who can I blame? Ilang taon na akong naghihintay. Should I let my chance slip by?

"No."

"Pero hindi dapat ganito." he pushed me and raised my head. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. "Look at me Lilliana." I pursed my lips. Ngayon ako nakaramdam ng kahihiyan matapos ang lahat. I protested by hugging him.

"Ayaw ko kuya." biro ko.

"Kuya? Really?" his voice full of amusement. "You like your kuya Lilliana?" he whispered directly to my ear. It's like a shot straight to my core. Parang pinipiga ang aking puso. I fixed my hair before looking at him with longing.

"Does kuya like me?" I asked childlishly.

Joaquin squinted his eyes. Then looked at me dangerously. What does he want now? He raised his hand and brushed my hair aside putting it beside my ear. All I want is to stop him because I'm losing control. It brings fear with a little bit of thrill.

"You're shaking Lilliana. Why is that?" he smirked, focusing his attention on my lips. Nag-init ang buong mukha ko sa kaba. Liking the effect he has on me, he leaned a little bit more. Ramdam ko ang init ng katawan niya sa natitirang distansya naming dalawa. "Do I like you?" he lightly kissed my cheek. "I don't know." his lips landed on the corner of my lips for a second. I froze.

"You…"

"Now tell me. Do I like you?" anas niya. "I told you not to rush things. I should've waited until you're 18." hinuli niya ang kamay kong humahaplos sa kaniyang braso. "Naughty." saway niya.

"You really like me?" I need to confirm it, only until then will I be at ease and fully happy.

"Parang kapatid?"

"No way!" he chuckled at my reaction.

"I like you as a woman. Someone whom I can do this..." he pecked my lips. "and this" then traced my neck with his breath. Wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang pumikit at humawak ng mahigpit.

I know he's too much. But now I realized he's more dangerous than I thought. If this is what liking means to him, what more if it's more than like? Can I take it?

If this is what I get from liking him, so be it.