chapter 30
The reservation is very different from the Cullen home. It's more...relaxed? I'm not sure if that is quite the right word, perhaps carefree is a better word. They are a bunch of goofy people acting as a family, being able to relax in this one place. The Cullen's are themselves in there home but they are not quite as loud and reckless. The Cullen's are a bit more reserved and their fun is cut short when I am around. They have to be cautious not to hurt me or lose control and accidentally throw a tree at me or something. Bella regularly has arm wrestling matches with Emmett and once the broke a rock and it threw pieces everywhere, Jasper stood between me and the rocks that hurled towards me at rocket speed, he kept me from a tempting injury. After that Esme has supervised their fun, everyone's fun, while I am around. It's sad that they have to do this, hide themselves, limit themselves, in their own home because I'm too weak to withstand their most basic form of play. Here the boys pay little to no mind to me, they just rough house around and throw food until Sam, Jacob or Emily get annoyed and shut it down..but it never has anything to do with me. Edward stays by me when we come here, even though a truce, even a deep friendship, has been formed Sam and Edward both agree that I should always have someone near me in case any of the young-lings (thats what I call the younger wolves) lose their cool. Whenever Nes comes Edward is my Guard and Bella, Jacob and Nes spend time together with everyone. Jacob or Seth with take over now and again when Edward wants to socialize with someone specific or to spend time with Bella and Nes on the beach as a family.
Emily is nice, Sam stays pretty close to her when everyone is home. Today is one of those days where most people are here, Emily is cooking muffins and Sam is kinda just talking with her in a kitchen chair within the main cabin. They have expanded since the the increase of wolves made Sam and Emily's home a bit too small for them all- plus young-lings get angry and break things much too easily. The Cullen's, after the truce was made, gifted them with multiple hang out cabins for when the wolves want to be in their home away from home. It was a gift of peace, of co-existence really. Many of young-lings, who are really around 15-17, are running around playing football or getting in fights randomly. I know a few by name but not most of them. Since they are young, and so many, most of them now have to hide this new side of them as a secret. Truthfully, Sam and Jacob have very large packs separately but combines, they are the largest grouping of protectors since the legendary fallen tribe. We heard the stories of them from our cells like bedtime stories or ways to justify their treatment of us, I can't be sure if it were ever true but it's the only large clan I ever really had any knowledge of I guess so it's odd seeing such large numbers without associating abuse and fear. Renesmee and Jacob have begun going around on their own recently, Nes isn't always asking to hold her mothers hand as she gotten a little more interested in Jakes. Bella nor Edward stop this, it's like they expect it in a way. So today is a new day, where Bella and Edward babysit me together. I chuckle a bit at my own private joke and they look at me curiously as Jake and Nes leave my view.
"Sorry I just was thinking about the irony of being babysat, er- protected, when a year ago I was in a cage so to speak. Its just...a lot has changed." Edward smiles a bit, like he was suppressing a laugh and Bella bit hr lip nervously and shot Edward a glance. Edward clears his throat and looks at me over his shoulder to clarify, "Sorry, it's not funny what happened to you, please don't think I'm laughing at you I just see a lot of strength in you. I was telling Bella that you remind me of her in some ways, bravery, a unique sense of ironic humor, adaptability and kindness. Bella fails to see the resemblance but your tone, the way to delivered your... ironic observation was just so indisputably like Bella when we met. I worked hard to scare her off but every scary part of me I showed her, Bella always just made a bitingly sarcastic response." I could tell he was lost in his memories, and Bella smiles slightly at him but shakes her head as if to deny his claims that we share any qualities. me, I was lost in how he said I was kind. How could he say such a thing, what about me in his eyes made me anything like Bella, made me kind?
"It's rude to insult your wife that way." I joke, feeling bad for Bella. No one should have to be compared to me, no one wants to be told they share qualities with a helplessly damaged former captive. His face turns serious for a moment, as if processing what I was saying.
"I don't insult Bella, she is the best person I've ever know. I adore her and neither of us see you as lesser, it's more like I'm trying to convince Bella that she is strong like you and that you are kind like her. My wife has never seen herself for the vision she is and never sees that she is kind and strong and beautiful, I didn't take into account that, like Bella, you may not see yourself clearly either. I suppose yet another thing you two can bond over." He chuckles to himself before shaking his head.
Bella interjects, "Edward doesn't see himself clearly either, not everyone like us are monsters, he isn't. Not even close."
This was something...I hadn't considered. Do they really think those things about me? How do they see those qualities in me if I don't, I know me better than anyone and I am not kind. Yet, they have never lied to me before.
"How do you see it? Kindness?" I ask Edward.
"Truthfully I think your kindness comes in your acceptance of others, their flaws and the baggage and their struggles. This is also the kindness that first resonated with me about Bella, yes she is selfless and that is beautiful but she is also kind. She accepts monsters like me without blinking, for a long while I though that made her somewhat unstable, I kept waiting for her to understand she was in love with a vampire. She always knew though, it wasn't that she ignored it or rejected it, but her kindness was that she simply accepted what I am. She accepted Jacob, when she discovered his nature, she's helped us and listened to our problems and never shy'd away from the scary aspects of us. You stay here, with vampires a shape shifters, the same species who have torment you, caged you, yet you were brave an kind enough to seek the humanity inside them. Jasper, for example, to many others in your position, he would be an intimidating and terrifying monster but you don't see him that way do you? You see him as a friend, perhaps even more than that, but his skin is cold like the monsters you know, his strength is still overwhelming to you and yet you see the man in him even though you can't possibly forget the things our kind have done to you. If a way, that is kindness, that is bravery and strength, to not hate everyone that reminds you of those inhumane monsters."
I find myself unable to speak, I never thought of this as kind, of me as kind. I find myself embarrassed and staring at the ground, pondering this...possibility. Wondering if Jasper sees me as kind, if maybe he isn't disgusted in me the way I am disgusted in myself. I assumed he was disgusted by me because I see myself as someone worth being disgusted by but Bella never thought she was worthy of Edward, she said so herself to me a few nights ago and Edward just said she doesn't see herself clearly. I wonder what Edward knew about Jasper thoughts on me, why he used him as the example rather than any other Cullen. I want to ask him, but I find myself relating more to Bella, or perhaps feeling more comfortable because we have spent more one on one time together than Edward and I.
"H-hey could I...maybe talk to Bella about something...alone?" Bella looks shocked for a moment before smiling, Edward nods and kissed Bella before walking aimlessly away, until I can't see him.
"Do you want to go somewhere private or is here okay?" Bella turns her full attention to me, her features glimmering in the light.
I tell her I would like to talk in the car, there is something comforting about talking in a car. Once in the car, the warmth and comfort of the seat and the sunlight shining through feels like I can exhale.
"You were human when you and Edward...got together, can I ...ask a few personal questions about that? And please don't...tell anyone, I'm very confused about so much thats happening and I don't know how to get the answers, how to progress from where I am now, whats possible and whats not...for me."
"Ask me anything, I'll do my best to be helpful."