Chapter 22- Konaka
When I woke, I was alone. I deep disappointment set in my chest at first yet a part of me wonders if it was even real. I've never been so close, so relaxed, with a man. Even before my hell began, I was too awkward with boys, last night felt unreal. Jasper acted to casually, so intimately. It was so unlike any display he has had since I first met him, he has never been so close and we've hardly ever touched. The smell of savory foods and grease fill my nostrils, a curiosity took the place of my disappointment. No one ever cooks here, aside from myself and its hardly considered cooking. I sit up with my furrowing eyebrows as I see Jasper turn to look at me from within the kitchen, a pan in his hand sizzling. He smiles at me and I whisper, "do we have guests?" His smile spreads further as he seemingly suppresses laughter.
"It's uhm...for you." He separates the words as if it were the butt of a joke I asked. The shock surely shows on my face.
"o-oh...uhm thank you." I feel like this is the greatest gift I have ever received, and in fact, it is the greatest gift I have ever received. If I were more shameful I would try to hide my blush however I know it would be pointless to even try.
Jasper transferred the food onto a plate and walked over to me, closely, just as last night. He leans slightly over the couch to hand me my food. His lips curl into a small smile. "You know you're quite beautiful when you sleep...then as soon as you wake you furrow your brow like you're faced with a morning puzzle." He puts his finger in-between my eyebrows caused me to relax them and realize the tension in my body falls away. I don't know exactly what to say but somehow I response,
"That was quite the backhanded compliment, am I prettier now that you've relaxed me?" He reels back slight taken back.
"It wasn't meant to be backhanded, I apologize if I've offended you...you are beautiful, far beyond pretty, all the time Konaka. I meant no disrespect but...I am glad I relax you."
"no it wasn't...I wasn't offended at all, I was simply curious. You do relax me and you notice things about myself I never do."
"I'm glad then, I love observing you, I'm glad you are not easily offended as well." He laughs at himself, "as you can tell, I'm not one for mincing words and I am not used to really talking to humans. My kind tend to be abrasive and blunt, over time niceties tend to fall away. It's a ...different form of social skills that isn't always the most suitable for humans. Please tell me if I ever am to blunt or rude with you, I never intend to be but it is difficult for me to converse like a human, I don't like it, it always seems so..." He searches for the word but I know what he means. Esme and Bella attempt to make me feel welcome by slowing down and speaking with great care, truly it makes me more anxious than anything. I like that Jasper is no different with me than with his kind. It feels more natural to me.
"Fake...yeah it does feel that way. I like that you don't beat around the bush or pretend to be human with me...it's not who you are and frankly, after the company I have kept much of my life, I don't think I like the way humans converse either." We just kind of smile at each other for a while.
"you'd make a good vampire." He jokes after a while and I breath out a laugh.
" I wouldn't mind being less breakable." I feel a weight on my face, trying to take away my smile as I shiver away the memories and the longing to be stronger, better, less helpless. Jasper notices this subtle change, if not in my face than in my emotions.
"I may not be able to turn you into a vampire but if you'd like I do know a lot of useful self defense techniques I could show you...it helps enable people, makes them feel...strong or capable." His voice is low like a whisper...a dark sadness echoes in his voice, and I know he knows how I feel. We both know nothing I learn will help me against a vampire, but perhaps it will help face the monsters in my mind.
" I would love to learn. I don't know much, I've never been a fighter or violent." I smile at the thought of being stronger while also grimacing at the insecurities I have.
"You don't have to be angry to fight and no one is bred a fighter, that is a learned skill. Fighting, or self defense at least, isn't always about hurting the other guy, sometimes its misdirecting someones attacks so that you are safe, sometimes it's focus is to debilitate or disarm, and yes sometimes it is to kill, but none of these require anger. You can use your emotions to fight...but I would argue that if you use emotion as fuel you will burn out quickly and make more mistakes. Self defense is about control, being in control of yourself and even holding some control over your fighter and manipulating the situation in your favor. Control is key in self defense, you learn a move, do it a thousand times and then if you ever need it you'll have the natural instinct to use it and use it with presicion, control and speed. It is actually one of the few activities I'm passionate about."
"That sounds really...amazing. I would love to learn from you." Control sounds perfect, the idea of being capable without being a monster...he truly makes control sound freeing. I want that.
"We can start as soon as you're finished then. please let me know what you think of the food." He smiles down at me, we have gotten closer and closer over our conversation, I can feel his cool enticing breath on my cheeks. I look down at the plate in my hands, steaming with wonderful smells, yet none matched the appeal of his scent.