32
I felt my body was made of lead as I searched for Jasper inside the Cullen home after returning from the reservation. To my surprise, he wasn't home, though everyone else is, with members of the packs joking and laughing as well. Rosalie and Jacob go back and forth with insults and jokes, Edward got Emmett to play chess though it's clear Edward is going to win and Emmett wants to arm wrestle instead. Dr. Cullen is at the hospital and Esme is reading an entire book collection on the sofa.
I stand awkwardly against the door frame, "Hey do you guys know where Jasper went off too?" I try to sound normal but every word feels like a confession.
Esme smiles slightly to my left and I know it's at my expense, though likely genuine. "He's out training on the field, do you want me to take you? I'm sure he would love a gentle sparing match." She says 'gentle' as if she were warning him to be nice or trying to convince me I'd be safe- regardless it felt so motherly.
"uhm, you don't have too. It's fine. Is there a trail that leads there? I thought I remembered one, vaguely." I say this but I know there is a trail, Jasper pointed it out once when he was running with me to the field.
"Yeah- If you want I can show you the path in the jeep and Jasper can drive you back." Bella says as she walks in with Edward and Nessie in tow, who goes directly to Jacob while Bella stands behind Edward and tries to understand his moves. After hearing this out loud it seems silly and roundabout to get a ride in a jeep rather than Esme's offer, but I would just feel a little better knowing my way around.
I nod though Bella was already ahead of me after getting sick of the confusing tactics on the chess board, keys in hand and leading me to the door. It felt nice, this was nice of her. I've never had a secret shared with another person, never had a bond with someone that was somewhat elevated by a level of trust. It's nice, I know this is what having friends is- though it is my first time really feeling it like this. I'm grateful to Bella.
The ride is simple and quick, though I'm sure it felt slow to Bella. She stopped the jeep half way down the trail,
"We are just outside his sense range. He can't hear us right now, is there anything you need my help with?"
I smile at her consideration, "No, thank you. I'm glad you stopped here though, I want to be able to go when I'm ready, I'm nervous, what do I do if he...I don't know, hates me or something?"
"He won't. He doesn't."
She sounds so sure so I just nod and get out of the jeep. I feel my hands tingle with nervousness as I take my first few steps towards the field. I look back to see I am alone with the jeep, Bella has begun her trek home. I breath a heavy sigh before continuing-wondering if he can hear me, if he's just waiting for me. I feel the blood rush to my face as I come closer to the entrance of the field. My nerves haven't calmed down and a part of me worries this means Jasper doesn't want to calm me.
Bella's words echo in my head about how he may feel just as conflicted as me, maybe he doesn't think its right to calm me when confronting a vampire alone, maybe he wants me to experience those emotions, allow me to feel that exciting and frightening buzz hum through my body. I know he can see me, hear me, feel me. I take my first step out of the trees to see him, waiting for me. He is shirtless, sparkling and breathlessly beautiful though his face is pained or ashamed...he stares patiently for me. I see the destructive training has demolished many local trees, the punching bags and training equipment he's dragged out for me hasn't been used, he hasn't been training lightly at all. I walk closer to him and he stands perfectly still, like moving would end the world. I walk towards him until I am less than a foot away. It's bold and my heart feels like it may jumps through my chest but I needed to feel close to him, I haven't been for a while. I can smell his enticing scent and just slightly, it calms me.
"Jasper..." I say his name but I feel blank. I just want to stay in this moment with him, I don't want to ruin it with everything I need to say.
"May I touch you? Is that alright?" He asks through nearly un-moving lips, his face scrunched together with this familiar sense of longing. I nod in response, unable to speak. He slowly, painfully slow, raised his hand to my cheek,resting his cold knuckles against me, brushing at my blush It would seem. I smile, I can't help it...He asked me for permission, just as Bella said.
"You... have consent to touch me...I trust you, Jasper. I know you won't hurt me. I don't want you to hurt me." I feel the words fall from my lips clearly, I feel good saying them, despite how hot my body has become I've become deaf to the heart throbbing in my ears. I've never been able to just say what I want and don't want, I've never had the option to give permission, this is the first time I feel I understand it.
"I won't...I would never try to hurt you...I really care for your well being." His eyebrows are still furrowed as if he is choosing his words carefully, holding back.
"I want...to talk to you but I think you won't care for me afterwards. I want you to know...that's okay. If you say something unpleasant, that may hurt my feelings, it's okay as long as your honest with me. Because I want to be honest with you. Is that okay?" I ask, my eyes fixated on his bare and slender chest. I swallow hard and breathe deeply. His hand falls from my cheek, his fingertips brushing against my collarbone and down my arm. This sends an unexpected shock of pleasure up my body. I can't help but gasp and tilt my head up with an involuntary and foreign noise. I can't help but stumble back, shocked at my own odd reaction and the electricity coursing through my body. His face wears an expression I ave never seen before in someone so beautiful and perfect- lust. I back away slightly out of shock and embarrassment, hitting my ankle on one of the broken branches among the ground and find myself falling backwards, I only know I was falling because of Jasper's hand around my wrist stopping gravity in its tracks. He pulls me to him, somehow even closer than before, steadying me.
"Your so incredibly brave, I wish I had your courage. I should have been the one to come to you. I will always be honest with you, though I guarantee that I have nothing but praise and admiration for you." His breath fans my face and I feel a bit dazed as he leads me down with him, sitting in the grass. " I would like to start, if it's not to much to ask, I feel like I need to somehow express responsibility for myself, even if I am unforgivable." He plays with the lace on my shoe until I nod, despite not understanding what he was referring too. Once I agree, he lifts his eyes to meet mine, requiring my full attention. His expression keeps shifting through emotions before he attempts a small smile. He reaches over and gently grabs my hand, holding it on my lap. "Is this okay?" I nod, waiting patiently.
" I need to apologize, I am so incredibly sorry for my...behavior a few nights ago. It was wrong of me to think of you the way I have been, to touch you the way I did and for forgetting how predatory I must have seemed. I am utterly disgusted by myself for pushing you, knowing what you've been through, I feel as if I was benefiting off my advantageous and sexual behavior when the last thing you need is a vampire man, especially a man like myself, to show that type of interest in you. I'm aware how degrading that must seem.I'm sorry and I would like to clarify that I don't see you...as an object or a conquest. I think you are an amazing, brave, strong and beautiful woman. I never meant to disrespect you with my thoughts or actions." He doesn't break eye contact, as if he needs me to understand.
"I...don't know how to respond, I didn't think you...could...somehow want me. I didn't think you were degrading me. I find myself drawn to you when I know it's illogical to be so. I...feel things with you and for a long time I've been feeling disgusting because of it. I've been thinking that I...was craving for you to hurt me...rape me. I spoke to Bella about...how I was feeling and she helped me understand that there is more that that here. I'm not sure if that, sexual feelings, is all I feel...I find it doubtful since think so highly of you. I always want to be with you and even though you are ice cold, when I'm around you everything feels warmer and brighter. I feel stronger and happier and even if I didn't...feel those physical things, I'd still want to be around you. Even if you don't want me that way...I don't want to go back to a life without you. I'm not afraid of you, you know? I know I should be, but I trust you Jasper, I don't care what you are or what you could do to me, because I know you won't hurt me. I'm sorry for not talking to you sooner, I was just so confused and I felt so much hatred towards myself."
"I've been trying to...express my feelings slowly to you. I never wanted to push you to far after everything you've been through. I knew of your feelings, or at least your physical response to me, with my ability it was hard not to notice which drove me mad, I wanted to tell you but I knew I couldn't so I just kept trying to get closer, to get you to react that way to me again. I spoke to my brothers about it, they were somewhat encouraging of my pursuit of you but Carlisle warned me how your trauma may affect you. I needed to be..careful but it felt like I've waiting so long to connect to someone like this that it was challenging to hold back when you would respond the way you do. Forgive my perverted nature, its a new trait I wasn't aware I had. The other night...I took things to far, I made you cry, I made you afraid and I have never been more disgusted in myself than at that moment, knowing what you were feeling.I thought you were as disgusted in me as I was myself, I..tried to keep my distance after."
The weight from my chest has dissipated and I feel a fluttery tingle replace it as I move closer to him.
"What do you feel for me? Will you say it? Spell it out for me, I can't imagine you feeling anything for someone like myself. I never considered myself to be lovable, not since my parents were murdered, I figured love died with them."
"I love you Konaka, I love your smile, your bravery and strength, I love how you understand my darkness without letting me drown in it, I love how you try your best at everything you do, how you are so blatant and honest. I love how you blush, how your breath hitches when I touch you, how you are so full of kindness and understanding, your empathy, I love how you can make me laugh and how when I'm with you I don't mind the feeling of eternity. I love your scars and your lips and your scent. I love your mind and how you think, I love how your emotions are always so strong and can hit me like a tsunami. I just love you, all of you, every bit. Aside from love, I do want you sexually, allow me to put that fear of yours to rest. I am not disgusted my you or your scars. I want you to be close to me, I want to someday show you what it is like to be loved physically. I'll admit i'm not very experienced, I haven't been with a women since Maria- and she was no role model. So I may not be the best but I won't hurt you. When you are ready, I won't act selfishly, I swear."
I feel the heat pound in my cheeks and ears, it feels surreal to hear this from him.It sets up this future I know I won't be able to have and yet I can't ignore it. I want it, a life with him, more than anything.
"I don't know...if what I'm feeling is love...but you can, will you tell me- is this what love feels like Jasper?" I ask, though I can't imagine how this could be anything but love.
Something like amusement shines in his eyes and his mouth stretches into a breathtaking smile, "It's rude of you to ask my honesty and then ask this of me- I know what your feeling now, but you need to be the one to name it because love is different for everyone. I'll wait until then, I'll never tell you what you feel, I don't want you to tell me something you are not sure about. As to how we proceed together, that is also up to you. I promise to respect anything you want and I'm sure I don't need to warn you about the dangers about me, though I won't allow you to get hurt by me, you should still keep that in mind. My brother gave me hope in things like this, I'm frightened by my love, by how fragile you may be, but I've seen how trying to ignore your love, how denying that our lives are now intertwined, is more harmful than the wars that may come."
"I want to keep being us...I want to keep knowing you, keep being close to you, maybe even a bit closer... I want to grow with you, however that looks like."
"your sure you want to be with me?" He asks one more time, with complete seriousness.
"I am. I couldn't separate myself from you if I tried, your always on my mind."
He settles back into the grass, though his eyes are full of questions his lips are pressed into a thoughtful smile.
"Can I ask a few more personal questions? I've had so many since our first meeting."
"Of course" I breathlessly say, feeling as if the world has shifted yet again to something brighter.