31

"What is rape like with him? Sex I mean, whichever you call it. I don't mean to be crude but do you ...ever want him to hurt you that way? And why is that?" I ask this as fast as I can think it, trying to form something close to a coherent sentence. I'm so confused on the matter I'm not even sure what question is the right question. When I look up from the dash, Bella's face displayed some form of shock or disgust. I'm not sure why I keep disgusting people but I can't seem to fix the error. "I am sorry for disgusting you, please forget I asked." I go to open the door to get out, feeling like I'm suffocating now, embarrassed.

Bella reaches over me quicker than I can see and shuts the door again, "No. it's not..you don't disgust me...I promise you don't." I nod once, signalling that I am listening to her, trusting her words, though promises in of themselves feel a fickle concept to me.

"Do you... always equate rape with sex or love? Are they the same to you? Interchangeable words?" I nod to answer, trying to understand and read between the lines. " They are...very different. Rape is...horrific and painful and scary. A short while after I met Edward, some drunk guys tried to do that to me, I was terrified until Edward saved me. I kept trying to think about ways to fight them off because I wasn't a good runner when I was human. I was...scared and there was nothing natural or okay about the way that felt...or what you've gone through. I won't pry but I want to you know that no one, absolutely no one, should every make you feel afraid like that. No one should touch you without your consent. Do you know what consent is Konaka?"

"No. That term is completely foreign to me." I say, as simply as possible. I am trying to register her words, understand what she's saying.

"Consent is when you give permission to someone to do something. For example, can I have a hug?"

I feel my eyebrows furrow but nod, "Yeah."

"Okay then, since you gave consent, since you said that I can hug you I am going to hug you now okay? IF you feel uncomfortable please say so, which would mean you are no longer giving consent and I will move away from you. Does that make sense?"

I nod again as she comes closer and I feel her cold body hug mine awkwardly in the small space of the car. As she pulls away, I am struck with a question. "But you can do whatever you want, I'm weaker than you are, how does this work...with someone stronger."

"It doesn't matter if they are bigger or stronger, you have a right to say no to anything they want and it doesn't matter what they want, if you say no or anything that isn't yes, they can't have it."

"I see, it's a principle then...." I say, urging her to continue talking.

"Okay, so that is rape... sex is...consensual, When two or more people consent to everything that happens and it is pleasurable, enjoyable, it isn't scary like rape. Love is-"

"wait wait wait, so one word can change how it feels?" I interrupt, flabbergast.

"Uh...no, it's more like...wanting to do it and saying you want too and the other person wants to too. It's not the same if you...don't physically want too."

"What... whats that like? I mean how do you...know?" This, for some reason, makes me embarrassed, it's what I really want to know. What's happening when I'm around Jasper? If rape and sex are different, than is what I'm feeling really that wrong?

" uhm...well I mean it's probably a little different for everyone...uhm...I've never really talked about it. Uhm but i think most people get butterflies, like a squeamish, happy, excited feeling all over your body."

"I see...." I Say, slightly in amusement of this, slightly in relief.

"Love is this...special and intense bond, relationships between people....There are a ton of different types of love as well, Friendship- like you and me, parental or family- based like Renesmee and I, romantic- like Edward and I. Sex, not rape, happens often with romantic love, but its not a requirement in a relationship. Sex and love are different sometimes but both are okay, rape is not. Does that help a little?"

"Yes... If I talk to you about something...does it stay between us or will you tell Edward or...Jasper or...?" I let the question trail off, I don't really need to further my statement since Bella as nodding before I could finish Jasper's name.

"I...kinda think I feel...lust-full with jasper...I've never felt those kinds of things before and to be honest I'm not sure if I can honestly identify it as lust rather than...a special fondness or love as you put it. But he's...well he's a vampire for one but he is also so funny and calm and perfect but I'm me and I'm young, especially to this type of treatment. I'm sure it's one sided and he is being kind out of...pity maybe...but I can't help but enjoy his presence. I think he caught me...feeling things about him..and I felt so disgusted in myself because I thought I was craving something painful and twisted and it made me think I was disgusting and dirty and broken. He looked so...disgusted at me as well, perhaps that I would...feel those things for him or even think about being good enough for him. I'm not sure really why he looked that way now that there are so many things to consider. I'm not trying to suggest he would be interested in me, clearly he is leaps ahead of me. Aside from my species, lacking skill set and comparative youth, I'm also ugly. I have scars all over my body, I'm not blind to the beauty and smoothness of your skin, of everyone else's skin. Jasper...he has scars too but I know that doesn't mean he would want someone with scars just to be similar. I know I am rambling a bit Bella, I just...have never been this afraid before. I never had anything but my life and hatred to lose...those things have always been superficial and forced but now it's like I want more...but I know if I try to get it, I won't. My parents...they loved each other, genuinely they did. There was a point I understood that, I see a lot of them in you and Edward and a part of me wants that but that world, that life, seems so far away from me. I had to come to terms that I wouldn't get or give love, that I will never stop running. My only drive to survive, to escape somehow, was out of dedication to my parents and the life they wanted for me but I also never pretended I would actually live the life they planned for me. I'll never be able to go back and redo it, I'll never see them again the way I'd have them if I was never captive in the first place. How could someone like me ever connect, bond, form a love to someone else who couldn't understand? How is it you and Edward found each other? You both have experiences the other will never ever understand, yet you love each other? I'm not doubting your love, but I'm doubting the logic. I don't...get it when applied to myself."

"Jasper...he doesn't feel disgusted by you. I promise he isn't like that. If anything, maybe you could consider that his scars ,internal or external, make him feel like you do? unworthy or disgusting...You are both wonderful people. Jasper sees that but he isn't someone used to bonding with other people, just like you. Edward and I, we admire each other, we found common interests and formed memories to share with each other...it doesn't change the lifetimes Edward has lived without me but we made our own place together. He has a lot of memories I never will but who he is connects with me, how he felt in those times connects with how I felt before him. Our love...denied logic, in the same way you living here, with a bunch of vampires, defies logic. The world, life, isn't cut and dry, living isn't about logic as much as it is about happiness, moving forward, feeling all sorts of things and experiencing things and interacting with other people. Livings isn't about logic, I never felt more alive, more loved,more happy than when I was with Edward, which was the literal embodiment of an early death. I'm dead but I've never felt more alive than now with my family. What I'm saying is, he may be just as confused as you, even if he hasn't has the exact same experiences. You should talk to him, ask him, confront him. You are a strong independent woman, you can do this."

I smile a bit in acknowledgement, the heaviness in my chest feels lighter. I hear her chuckle a little as herself which makes me chuckle, I don't even know why, it just feels good to laugh.

" I didn't expect to give 'the talk' so soon." She says, as if explaining her inside joke, it doesn't make things any clearer to me but I laugh anyway, just enjoying the feeling of laughter. I will talk to him, I'll ask him. I can't help be be afraid, but excited too, and as long as those two are mixed together- I think that means I'm moving towards something.