05

"How are you able to know if someone is in love with you"

Is the same as

"How are you able to know if someone fell out of love to you"

Yep. They're just the same. But in a contradicting way. Ironic right?

We've been together for four years. Through ups and downs, through hardships and difficulties, we've made it. Sa apat na taon na yun akala ko kami na talaga ang para sa isa't isa. Pero mali pala ako. Our relationship was never perfect. It was never a happy always kind. It was flawed. But we accepted our differences.

Lahat ng tao na nakakakilala sa amin nag e'expect na after I graduate magpapakasal na kami. They always say that Iñigo will surely propose to me right after or even the day of my graduation.

I remember the time when we attended his cousins wedding. Magkatabi kami sa simbahan listening to the vows of the newlyweds.

Iñigo was holding my hand and pulled it a bit so I looked at him with questioning eyes. I arked my brows a bit kasi nakatitig lang siya sa akin.

"What?" I asked.

"The first time I laid my eyes on you, I already knew that you're the girl I'll bring home to meet my family. I promised my mom that I'll only let her meet a girl once, and that girl would be my wife, the girl I'd bring to the altar, and the girl who would carry my first born.

You're that girl hon. The girl I promised my mom"

He smiled and then kissed my hand.

"Why so sudden hon?" I asked. "May kasalanan ka ba?"

He laughed a bit because of my reaction. Confusion can be seen on my face. Yes kinilig ako dun pero kasi naman, ikinakasal yung pinsan niya oh tapos babanat siya ng ganyan?

"Wala lang. I just wanted to tell you that after you graduate, you and I will be the next couple standing in front of the altar exchanging our vows. I'll only say 'I do' to you hon" he then leaned on and kissed me on my forehead.

That didn't stop there. For the past four years, he'll randomly say things that'll make me blush, things that'll make me feel butterflies in my stomach, and things that would make me feel loved.

Just like when we attended a mass on Christmas day. That was our first Christmas together as a couple.

"Let's greet each other as a sign of peace" the priest said.

"Peace be with you" we said in union. And smiled to everyone.

"Hon, peace be with you" Iñigo said.

I smiled and responded. "Peace be with you"

I was about to face the altar when he pulled me for a hug and said "I love you".

After the mass we went to the sacred chapel and prayed silently. I was interrupted because my sister called. So I excused myself to answer her call.

When I went back, it was only Iñigo left inside kneeling in front. I was about to call him when he prayed loudly. Not mindful of his surroundings.

"Dear God, thank you so much for allowing me to love Isla. I know I've been naughty for the past years of my life but I promise you I'll never hurt her intentionally. Please help us get through our relationship. And help me be a good man for her. Help me bacome a man deserving of her love. Please inflict pain upon me if ever I'll make her cry.

And also God, I pray for Isla's health. Being a medical student stresses her out but I know she'll get through it. I'll be with her, supporting her if only you'll allow me

I love her so much. Help me please so I could never make mistakes that will hurt her."

Instead of calling him out, lumabas nalang ako ng chapel at doon nalang naghintay sa kanya. Who would have thought that Iñigo the playboy will kneel in front of God asking Him to help him be a good boyfriend to me?

"Uy Isla. Tapos na ang exams ah bat nandito ka pa?" My friend asked.

Naka-upo lang ako sa bench kaharap ng soccer field. Reminiscing the good old days with Iñigo always makes me shiver.

"Aren't you going home na? We're going to the mall to flushed out our frustrations sa exams. Wanna join us?"

"Uhm no, I'm fine. May lakad din kasi ako"

She smiled, wiggles her brows and said. "Ahh I know. You're waiting for Iñigo? After exam get-away? Haha okay I won't bother you lovebirds"

I just smiled at her and waved my hand.

Iñigo? I haven't seen him since Sunday. Sinunod niya nga ang gusto ko. He never showed himself to me during my exam week though he keeps on texting me. Reminding me to not skip my meals and to rest after studying. Nagpapadala din siya ng mga encouraging messages sa akin to keep me motivated.

It was his texts that I read first thing in the morning when I woke up and it was also his texts that I last read before I sleep at night.

Tapos na ang exams. Start na rin ng Christmas break. I think it's about time to talk to Iñigo again.

Ako:

Iñigo are you free tomorrow?

It didn't took much before he replied.

Hon:

Hon? Yes I'm always free for you. Mag-uusap na ba tayo? Can I see you now?

Ako:

Let's meet each other at the church near my condo. Tomorrow 5pm.

Hon:

Okay hon.

Tapos na ang exams mo?

How was it?

Naka-uwi ka na ba?

Okay. I won't bother you na. I know you're tired from school. Rest okay.

I love you

______

Ako:

I'm on my way.

Hon:

Okay hon. Nandito na ako. I'll wait for you.

I glanced at my watch, he's early. Pababa pa lang ako ng building tapos siya nandon na pala. I didn't brought my car since walking distance naman yung church. Mas mabuti na rin 'to. Pag maglalakad ako mas mapapa-bagal ko ang mga mangyayari mamaya.

Though I know this is just delaying the inevitable but I can't even start to imagine what will happen later kapag magka-usap na kami.

Takot na takot ako kasi ayokong iwan siya. I don't want to let go of him but I was left with no choice. I can't take him away from his child. I wasn't that selfish.

When I arrived at the church nakita ko kaagad siya sa labas naghihintay sa akin. When he saw me he smiled and run towards me to hug me. I just let him, this would be the last time though.

"I'm glad you decided to–"

I cut him off and said

"Pasok na tayo"

Hindi ko na siya hinintay. I seated at the last row and kneeled to pray. Iñigo followed me and kneeled as well. I asked God to give me strength to end my relationship with Iñigo. It's funny kasi before when I pray I always asked Him to guide me and Iñigo. I always asked Him to strengthen our relationship but now I'm asking him the other way around.

After praying, umupo na ako. Iñigo was still kneeling, taking his time to pray. After that he seated beside me giving me my own personal space.

"So what happened? What did tita said?" I started the conversation.

He looked at me and adjusted his seat so he could face me. I wasn't looking at him, naka tingin lang ako sa altar. Hindi ko siya kayang tigngan. Hindi ko kaya.

"She was mad. Really really mad. Then she asked for my plans. She was also asking for you"

I nodded. "And?"

He sighed and said. "Naka-usap ko na rin ang mga magulang ni Lea. Sinamahan ako ni mommy. They didn't expect me to marry Lea since they knew about you. But they expect me to support the child."

I looked at him. He's really uncomfortable right now. Hindi siya maka tingin sa akin ng diretso, he's breathing isn't normal, at he keeps on blinking his eyes.

"Alam din ba nila na hiwalay na tayo?"

He was shocked at what I said. Umiling siya.

"No. Hindi nila alam kasi hindi naman tayo naghiwalay"

"We broke up last Sunday remember–"

"No. Hindi ako pumayag" he cut me off "Our relationship works with us both. Hindi pwedeng ikaw lang ang mag de'desisyon. You want to break up? Well I won't let you. Hindi tayo maghihiwalay." He said in a stubborn way.

"It's not for you to dec–"

"I only agreed to not bother you dahil sa exams mo. Ayokong maging pabigat sa'yo kaya nga ginawa ko ang gusto mo diba–"

"Kahit na–"

"Look Isla, I won't break up with you. I love you so much that I'm willing to take all the responsibility as a father of my child and at the same time be a good boyfriend to you." He deeply breathed and continued. "Pumayag naman na sila tito, hindi ko rin naman tatakasan ang responsibilidad ko sa anak nila. It's not going to be easy but please don't leave me"

I looked at him. If only ganon lang kadali yung. If only I can accept the situation. If only I can accept his mistakes. Pero hindi eh

"Naririnig mo ba ang sarili mo Iñigo? Do you even know how selfish you sound right now–"

"I don't care. Selfish na kung selfish pero hindi ako papayag na maghiwalay tayo"

"As what I've told you, it's not you who will decide if we'll keep this relationship or not. Plinano mo na lahat diba? Kung paano mo ako susuyuin, kung paano mo tatanggapin ang responsibilidad mo, kung paano mo aayusin ang lahat."

Huminga ako ng malalim.

"But it's not that easy anymore. It's not easy for me to accept the fact that you got Lea pregnant. It's not easy for me to live everyday of my life knowing that you cheated on me. It's not easy for me to deal with these mess you made.

Iñigo inisip mo talaga na mananatili ako sa tabi mo matapos mo akong pagtaksilan? Anong akala mo sa akin? Martyr? Masokista?"

"Alam mo ba na sa tuwing tumitingin ako sa'yo kasalanan mo ang nakikita ko? Na sa tuwing maalala kita, kataksilan mo ang naiisip ko?

Hindi ko alam kung kaya pa kitang tignan nang hindi naalala ang kasalanan mo. Hindi ko alam kung kaya pa ba kitang patawarin. Hindi ko na alam eh"

Unti unti nang tumulo ang luha ko. Limang araw ko ring pinigilan to.

"Mahal kita Iñigo. Mahal na mahal kita. Alam mo naman yun diba? At alam ko rin na mahal mo ako. Pero gusto kong itanong, bakit? Bakit mo nagawa sa akin yun? Bakit mo ako niloko? Paano mo nagawa yun?

You promised Iñigo! You promised infront of God that you'll never hurt me! You promised to Him that you'll be a good boyfriend to me. You promised!"

He attempted to hug me but I pushed him away.

"No stay there. Don't come near me. Just please don't"

Iyak lang ako ng iyak. Nilabas ko lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko. Nilabas ko lahat ng hinanakit ko sa kanya. Hindi ko pwedeng hindi sabihin kasi baka sumabog nalang ako kakatimpi

"Pinagkatiwalaan kita. I never forbid you to hang out with your friends kasi may tiwala ako sa'yo. Anong nangyari? Nasaan na yung mga pangako mo?"

"Isla please, don't leave me. I can't live without you" he said crying.

"Apat na taon. Apat na taon ng buhay ko ikaw lang ang minahal ko. Ni minsan hindi ako tumingin sa ibang lalaki, ni minsan hindi ko naisip na pagtaksilan ka, ni minsan hindi–"

"Isla"

I wiped my tears away. I inhaled deeply and composed myself first before saying anything. Wala nang silbi kung sisisihin ko pa siya, wala nang silbi ang lahat ng ito kasi tapos na. Wala na.

***

:)