I Won't Hold Her Hand If You Don't Want Me To

I pack up the dishes and head to the sink when were done having our lunch.

"wanna play some video games?" I drop the dishes in the sink and turn to look at him.

"I have something better I want to play with" he stalks towards me. he's in front of me now and he's staring down at me, smiling down at me. "do you wanna play"

"oh my god, that's so weird" I say laughingly

"shut up" he laughs with me. we laugh for a few seconds before everything suddenly became intensely quiet. his eyes are on my mine and he isn't smiling anymore.

I decide to test the waters. "Make me"

before I could take my words back, he grabs me and shoves me against the sink, bringing his lips down against mine.

"that mouth..." he groans when he tears his lips away and picks me up, placing me on the counter. "never fucking shuts up" I like it when he swears, it's a odd turn on. his kisses are rough and needy and so are his hands. they drag and glide across my body, under my shirt, filling in all the curves and bends.

he slides his hands into my pants and I catch it. "no" I whisper, staring up at him

"really?"

"yes" I push him away a little so I can hop off the counter. "I like this" i point at him then me, gesturing at our 'situation'. "but, I don't want to rush things"

"oh... I'm sor-"

"don't tell me you're sorry Cal, there's nothing to be sorry for. it's just... I've never done anything more that what we did yesterday and - call it stupid or dumb- I want it to be special... I don't want it to be rushed or in the heat of the moment" I step towards him and take his right hand. "I want it to be slow and beautiful and hot and fast. I want soft touches and pretty words and yes, I want it to be on a bed and I want it to be with someone who isn't seeing any one else and is someone I like"

"oh" is all he says.

"you've got the someone I like part checked, it's the you're seeing someone else part that's stopping me from taking you up to my room and doing stupid shit with you"

"I really like you, Xavier" I shiver when he says my name... I can never get over the name thing. "I really do and I want to do everything that you want to. I'll wait" I bite my lip and rise to my toes and kiss him. "soooooo, we can kiss though"

"yeah, but chaste kisses... not I want to fuck you kisses" I rationalized.

"you want to fuck me?" he smirks. "or do you want me to fuck you?"

I turn red. "get out!" I scream and push him away. "get in your car and drive away from my house.... go!! get!! leave!!" I'm shoving him and he's laughing.

we get to the door and the laughter fades.

"thank you, for today, Xavier"

"Thank you for today, Caleb" he crinkles his nose. "what?"

"I don't like it when people call me Caleb"

"oh... " I bite my lip and smile. "Cal Cal Cal Cal.." he shuts me up with a kiss... it's no chaste, it soft and it's sweet and there's tongue and theirs teeth and there's him.

he pulls away and rests his forehead against mine. "bye, Xavier" he whispers.

"bye, Cal" I open the door and let him out of the house, I watch him enter his car and I watch him leave, waving him goobye.

I'm on that high all day up until Tuesday afternoon, when I fell flat on my face from it after spotting Caleb holding hands with Stephie Rosen at the cafeteria. it's not his fault...its just a game.

but I do stare and I wander, is there ever going to be a day in my life where I wouldn't want Caleb to be the Mcdreamy to my Merideth. the answer is clear, never.

I look at Cal from across the room, I'm slightly upset because Stephie Rosen has her hand tightly interlocked in his and I really want to walk over there and rip her hand away from what's mine. mine?... Xavier Castor, you better calm your ass down, Caleb Keller isn't yours, he's just a boy you like that likes you. does he?

"you look like you could kill a bear" i look up and it's Amber, she places her tray of food on the table and crosses her legs.

"ugh" I look over at her plate and see the gross burger on it. "those are premade from hell" I pick up mine and sniff it. "gross"

"what are you gonna do. it's food" Calley sits down with her lunch and takes a bite out of it.

"that doesn't qualify as food" I tell then. "look at Rosen, being all slutty and touch Caleb's arm and all that... she's evil, I can feel it"

"or maybe it's just you being jelly"

I turn and face Maddie. "Jealous?... me?. you're fucking crazy... I am not jealous of Stephie" I so am

"you are so jealous of her" Shawn was so lucky, his parents packed him lunch and he didn't have to eat the tainted meats.

"even you Shawn?" I throw the question at him with mock disappointment. "I thought you trusted me"

"well, not when it comes to Caleb Keller" he starts unpacking his lunch and theres fried chicken and some pea and rice in a large Tupperware container.

"if I marry you, will your parents give me food?"

"too soon, especially considering the fact you just dumped me a day ago" he opens the container. "my parents don't know about you, though"

"did I mean so little to you?" I hold my hand against my chest dramatically.

"it's not like that... it's complicated... but ...I'm not out to them yet" he tells us and smiles at me.

"wait, what?" Both me and Amber exclaim together.

"but you're so gay, it's hard to miss" I scoot closer to him as his smile starts to fade. "whatever, we'll just elope and get married then they'll have to accept me as their son in law" all this is said with the most serious tone I could muster.

he cracks a smile and then looks away from me, a frown forming on his face. he sighs and I turn around and trace what he's looking at... it's not a what, it's a who and a very hot who at that. his hair is white and cut low, he has black framed glasses on over his pretty forest green eyes and his lips... god his lips are gorgeous, they are a deep red and their very much in a scowl right now.

"ooh la la... what a specimen" I quickly slap my hand over my mouth because I did not mean for that to come out like that.

The boy looks at me and his scowl turns into a pretty smile. "you're a very beautiful specimen, yourself" he turns to look at Shawn. "White" is all he says, his scowl return to his face

"Palmer" Shawn replies with as much animosity as him. Shawn crosses his arm under his chest and smiles. "I thought you'd be grounded for the rest of your bleak and drab life"

"fuck you, Shawn" he growls to my baby

"well, Fuck you, Micheal Palmer!" he stands to his feet and this Micheal Palmer is easily a few feet taller than him. "now, get the fuck out of my face" it's the first time I've heard his swear so much and he automatically becomes hotter.

"yeah, payback's gonna be a fucking bitch, White" Micheal's scowl disappears and he smiles. "see you Saturday night" he turns to me. "bye, beautiful specimen" he turns away and leaves to join the basketball guys

I face Shawn and the next words are spew are. "uhm, who was that sexy piece of man?"

"Micheal Palmer"

"who is this Micheal Palmer and why is he seeing you on Saturday night?" I press, bouncing in my seat excitedly.

"he's my god mother's oldest kid" he says simply and I look at him with expectance in my eyes. he sighs. "my mom has this really old friend, like they've been friends since she was two and they're like so close but she use to live in Seattle... they saw each other like four or five times a year for dinner between our families.. they are best friends" he explains and turns around to glare at Micheal Palmer where he's sitting with the basketball team. "I hated his guts and the feelings are very mutual

he'd pull stupid fucking pranks on me and make fun of me and say things that he knew would hurt me and then pretend like we're the best of friends in front of our parents... I guess I had to play along too because I didn't want to break my mom's heart"

"if they live in Seattle what is he doing at our school?" Maddie say and starts playing with the gross food.

"ewee" I mutter.

he sighs. "at the beginning of the semester, his whole family decides to move here from Seattle because his mom got transferred for work. i couldn't stand him before when I only saw him only once four times a year and now, I have to sit through dinner every Saturday night for fifty four weeks in a goddamn year with that God damn bitch!!" he smacks the table as he says the last word.

"you clearly do not like him" I say simply

he laughs. "I really don't" he turns and look over at the basketball table and I do too because Caleb is there.

Caleb turns around and our eyes me. "hi" he mouths.

"hi" I mouth back.

he smiles and gently wiggles his hand out of Stephie's and places it on the table, typing on his phone in his hand.

my phone pings.

"I won't hold her hand if you don't want me to" it reads. I look up at him.

"Thank you" I mouth right before one of the guys at the table catches his attention and he turns to face them.