33

Chapter 33 – Attack of the Killer Cucumber

"I see," the white-haired man stroked his chin. He looked deep in thought, which Blake found a little incongruous since he was also tapping a cucumber against his skull. "So you say he was already dead when you found him, and that he latched onto you after his death?"

"I guess." It wasn't something she'd really thought on.

"I was," Jaune interrupted, floating down to sit beside her on the sinks, "I was actually dead for a minute or two before you arrived, just watching that thing eat me." Blake winced but passed the message on to the scientist.

"That removes one of my theories almost immediately. My initial idea was that this might have been a result of semblance or aura activity on his part. Some kind of parasitic type semblance that allowed him to piggy-back onto you as an alternative to perishing. Many semblances are unlocked at moments of great distress and fear to save the lives of the user, so this was the first possibility that came to my mind."

"But if he was already dead he'd have no aura," Blake finished for the man.

"Quite. While it might still be possible that his semblance allowed him to leave his body, it doesn't answer the question of how it could fuel itself without aura."

"So it's nothing to do with aura at all?"

"I didn't say that. Aura is the manifestation of the soul, and the soul has always been the bane of science. Anything is possible, which makes figuring this out all the more challenging." Blake sighed and leaned back against the mirror, watching as the scientist hunched down on the toilet seat. "Wait!" he suddenly hissed. Blake leaned forward, "is he holding a cucumber too!?"

For the love of…

"Yes," Blake lied, "he is."

"Good, good… well, there isn't much we can do without my equipment. Our best bet is to have him possess Penny and monitor what changes occur in her CPU. If he can effect some kind of reaction upon it then we might be able to create some method of communication."

"I can already translate for him though, what he needs is a body." Beside her Jaune nodded, bringing his knees up so that he was resting on the mantelpiece.

"I can't create something he can use unless he can communicate with it," Doctor Polendina explained, "Finding a mutual language will be but the first step."

"The first step? I don't think we have that much time…"

"Don't you have anything a little more immediate? We kind of have a problem at the moment…"

"They need a body for the dance," Penny piped up, "Someone to act as a date for Blake." The faunus nodded to the robot's explanation.

The man hummed, "I'm not normally in the business of creating robotic sex toys."

"W-What!?" Blake choked, "I don't want a sex robot!"

"Hey now, let's not be hasty and rule the idea out." Jaune was leaning forward.

"Now I'm not one to criticise," the doctor said, "But my work is a little more complicated than a piston that pushes something in over and over."

"You're misunderstanding," Blake tried.

"Would I be able to feel and experience it? Because this sounds like a good plan to me."

"We're not like that," Blake waved her arms, "I mean how could we? He's dead! I'm just trying to help him out as a friend."

"Pftt," the man sniffed, "I've read that crazy crap you women call `dark` romance nowadays. The fact that he's dead is probably the main turn on. Well I'll be damned if I'm making a robot that can suck out your blood."

"Could I pick my own sizes? Blake, do you think sixteen inches is enough, or is that like too much?"

"Quiet!" she snapped at last, finally tired of trying to piece together what was going on. Jaune leaned back with a sigh, while Penny nodded in acceptance. Doctor Polendina… flushed the toilet for no reason. She hoped it was for no reason… she didn't want to imagine he'd somehow been doing that while they were talking. "We," she pointed between herself and Jaune – despite that they couldn't see him, "are not together in that way. I am now looking for a robot that has that kind of ability. Maybe Jaune can explore that possibility later," somewhere far away from her if that was the kind of girth he was thinking about, "But right now we need a more immediate solution."

"How immediate?"

It was those words which made her pause. A bead of sweat dribbled slowly down her brow as she locked eyes with Jaune, who looked even less confident than she felt.

"Three days?" she laughed nervously. Time sure had flown by… when you were trapped in constant panic and terror.

"Ha ha ha, no." the man's laughter died an ugly death. "I may be a genius, but I'm not that kind of genius. Penny was a marvel of engineering that took years. Copying her designs for shortcuts will make a second prototype much quicker, since the research is already there. But it would still take at least two weeks." The man stood up and started to pace around the small bathroom, "And that's just the frame and internals. It's all of no use if he can't pilot it, there's no telling how long it would take for him to learn such a skill, or whether we can even find a means of communicating his instructions to the CPU. At the very least he needs to learn another language, preferably a coding one. How are you with languages, ghost-lad?"

"Hola, mi name es Juane?"

"I'm doomed…"

"Not to worry!" The idiotic doctor cheered, "If I understand things correctly all you need is a chaperone for the dance? That should be easy enough to arrange. Penny and I shall aid you in this!"

Blake felt an immediate rush of fear, "No, I should be okay, you should focus on-"

"I will do my best Friend-Blake!" Penny either didn't register or didn't care for her response, "Father, perhaps we could dress me up as a man. With Jaune's memories I think I would be more than capable of acting as a believable real human boy!"

Blake's eyes widened as she imagined it. The android literally walking up to her friends and addressing herself as Penn, the `totally real boy and boyfriend of Friend-Blake.`

"Why even go so far?" the robot's father laughed, "We can just hire a prostitute in the city, then she gets a bonus after the dance too."

"No – definitely no!" Blake waved her cucumber between the two, trying to ward away the ideas.

"Or better yet, how about we look up her ex's and see if one would be willing to fill the role?" That was an even worse idea… though she couldn't help but admit to being morbidly curious as to how Adam would take such a call from the mad man.

"It should be Blake and Jaune to go together though," Penny slapped one fist into her other hand, the sound somewhat reminiscent of an iron door slamming shut. "Otherwise things would get awkward when Jaune gets his sex-body."

"Umm…"

"There's not going to be any me and sex body!"

"Easy enough," the white-haired man shrugged, "we could just bring along a comatose man for him to possess. Hell, we have more than enough soldiers around the school. Penny could just knock one out for the night."

And suddenly the General's frustration with you makes much more sense.

"I'm not sure I feel comfortable with the idea of potentially giving someone brain damage just to possess them for a dance."

"Nor do I feel comfortable with what partaking in something that lacks consent." Blake sighed, rubbing her forehead. Not to mention the possibility of said guy waking up mid-dance… which would be more than a little awkward to explain away.

"Father in an outfit?" Penny tried, "Say you like older men?"

Blake simply glared.

"Well this isn't going anywhere," the Doctor sighed and stood up, waving his cucumber like a baton. "People will get suspicious if we're missing for any longer, so we'll be in touch. Penny and I will come up with a plan for your dance problem, don't you fret, Black."

"It's Blake, and please don't – I'll be fine, more than fine, without your help."

"Don't worry Blake! I will keep you in the loop as to the plans." Blake's eyes widened.

"No! Don't keep me in the loop, remove me from the loop!" She wasn't sure the robot got the message. Not with the way she smiled and waved as they both vacated the room. Not thirty seconds later her scroll vibrated. Blake wished she could flush it down the toilet.

"So… I take it we're going to be thinking of our own solution right? Rather than leaving those two… uh… characters, to it?"

That went without saying. Oh Gods, she could see it now… she'd find some solution to the dance, everything would be fine. Then the both of them would show up dressed as guys and proclaiming to be her boyfriend, at the same time.

They would also maybe have a corpse with them.

Blake slumped, leaning forward with her hands between her legs. This had… not gone to plan.

"Eh…" her ears twitched beneath the bow, as her face turned to look at the bunny-eared Velvet Scarlatina, who was stood frozen in the doorway. The rabbit faunus' face looked red, as she looked at Blake sat on the side, then at the cucumber held between her legs. She stepped back a moment later, before slamming the door and running away.

…

I hate my life…

"Do you think eighteen inches would just be unrealistic?"

The cucumber whistled through his head.