My SI Stash #69 - I (really) Am The Eggman by Stupid the Ork (Sonic)

-Eggman really be having 300 IQ and still not being able to come up with a plan to finally defeat Sonic KEK/

Synopsis: R.O.B plucks some unlucky devil's conscience and puts it inside the body of one of the most loved/hated scientists in videogame history.

Rated: ???

Words: 28K

Posted on: https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/i-really-am-the-eggman-sonic-idw-self-insert.869305/ (Stupid the Ork)

PS: If you're not able to copy/paste the link, you have everything in here to find it, by simply searching the author and the story title. It sucks that you can't copy links on mobile (´ー｀)

-I'll be putting the chapter ones of all the fanfics/originals mentioned, to give you guys a sample if you wan't more please do go to the website and support the author! (And maybe even convince them to start uploading chapters in here as well!)

Chapter 1-3 (exceptional)

You know the stories, where a R.O.B wants to be amused and turns/reincarnates/throws someone into a world of fiction to see what happens? Well, that was what happened to me, and in my case, my conscience was transferred to good ol' Dr. Eggman.

One the one hand, I was Eggman. Eggman, the only scientist in the entirety of fiction who could boast of being smart enough to not just understand, but also be an equal to Rick Sanchez. On the other, he also nearly destroyed his onw planet by sheer stupidity several times, and in the same continuity.

And on the other other hand, aside from the general premise of the comic (a follow-up of Forces) and it's current arc (a zombie-robot apocalypse), I literally knew nothing else. I think that was what R.O.B wanted, watching as someone that didn't know a thing about Sonic handled himself as his archnemesis.

Well, I decided to simply... not to.

I WAS the smartest being alive, but also no longer compelled to conquer Mobius due to an excessive ego, destroy Sonic because of my intense hatred of him, or otherwise being as assholish as possible for the sake of being 'evil'. Best of all, I didn't have to feign amnesia because I really didn't know what happened on this universe! Screw conquest or being the villain, or the damn canon, I had a golden opportunity to redeem Eggman, myself, whatever! Hell, I even had a good alibi for my change!

'Course, that was only after I woke up as Eggman himself after apparently surviving an explosion. I'll tell you more later.

Chapter 2

When I woke up on Mobius, I found myself 'incarcerated' in a simple 'cell'. I call it a 'cell' because it was just a storehouse, and I say 'incarcerated' because whoever thought that a mere barricaded door would stop me from getting out didn't take in account what I could do to escape. I could use my intellect and the tools around me to build a device that would open the door for me, I could concoct a dangerous acidic agent that would melt the lock, I could even just lockpick with some sticks!

Or just force my way out by kicking the door open. I mean, most buildings in Mobius were made for beings that would see someone a bit over seven feet tall a real giant, and don't let Eggman's-my skinny arms and legs fool you, I'm fast enough to match Sonic for a few seconds, and strong enough to do the same with Knuckles.

I was in a forest village, it was approximately noon, and everyone was doing their business: working, walking, talking and laughing with each other, drinking tea, whatever small humanoid animals did. The tea drinking was done by, of course, Vanilla the Rabbit, known by most as the mother of Cream the Rabbit. Why am I telling you this, and focusing so much on her? Two things:

-One: not enough shipping of her and Doom Slayer. She's an anthropomorphic, kind bunny woman, he's a badass space marine who kills demons mostly because they mess with humanity, partly because they killed his rabbit and put her head on a spike. Do the math.

-Two: she was the first to see me. Yes, somehow they all missed a 6.1 foot man breaking out of confinement, at least at first.

-Three: she was quite literally at the other side of the street, which being in a village meant we were separated only by fifteen feet.

We stared at each other for a good counted ten seconds, Vanilla with growing shock and horror, me with confusion. The cat she had been talking too had realized that her friend had stopped talking and looking behind her, and turned to see me there. Rinse and repeat and a minute later, the entire village was staring at me in frozen horror. You know, kinda like that scene in the War of the Worlds were Tom Cruise and that annoying little girl and the dumbass teenager were the only ones of a crowd of thousands to see the tripod climbing a hill despite it being the size of small skyscraper, and even then I didn't step on a tree.

"Uh, hi." I said, trying to be as non-threatening as I could be. In hindsight, maybe staying quiet and waiting for them to act would have been better.

"H-he's awake, HE'S AWAAAKE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!" A woodchuck screamed at the top of his lungs before all hell was set loose. The adults screamed, the children cried, everyone was running around yet few thought of getting inside their homes for shelter.

A crowd quickly formed up in front of me, a robot with black armor, blue optics and a starfish-shaped crest on its forehead with blue crystals at its head, rocket heads visible on its chest. Many of the villagers on the crowd had 'weapons' (read: farming tools), ready to defend themselves and their loved ones, but it was clear by the terrified expressions of most of them they didn't believe they could actually hurt me. The robot, on the other hand, would had definitely killed me if it had the chance, because even though it had no face to speak of I could recognize its anger at me, and not just because as a former scientist I can discern that kind of things, it really frowned at me somehow. Why hadn't it fired at me already, I did't know.

No, wait, there was a reason: Vanilla and Cream (where had she been) had somehow ended up between us. If it fired they would be caught in the explosion radius, and something told me that it wasn't just unwillingness on causing collateral damage what stopped it.

Seeing them so terrified of me (both the militia wannabe and the rabbits), and wanting to defuse the situation peacefully, I did the only thing I could do at the moment.

"Good day." I said with a small wave and a sheepish smile. Really, Julian? Or Ivo? Or Ovi. Yeah, I think I'm Ivo.

On the plus side, they scream and run again, which given the situation was a plus. On the minus side, seeing Eggman act like that still freaked them out.

Vanilla, being the closest to me, put Cream behind her and looked up at me. "Good day?" She repeated in an incredulous tone. "That's all you have to say?"

"Sorry, I know I'm Eggman and all that... but what did I do?" I asked in the most sincere tone I could muster, which wasn't difficult. "I really, really don't remember much."

"You... you don't remember?" Vanilla asked, this time with less fear in her voice, but now with confusion. I couldn't blame her. Eggman, the most dangerous villain that ever lived, and who was standing right in front of you, suddenly becomes (relatively) good and and claims of suffering of amnesia to some degree? Who would believe it?

"Well, a few things there and there, like my name, my incredible intelligence, that Sonic is a blue hedgehog faster than a jet, and that I'm supposedly a villain, but aside from that nada." I wasn't completely lying either, I really didn't know about what happened in Sonic Forces, and little more than the basic plot of the comic. "So, can I know why was I inside a storehouse?"

Vanilla looked behind at the villagers, then back at me.

"Well..." She began to say. "Yesterday you landed in our village and we locked you up immediatly. We were surprised you survived the fall."

"Mmm... That might explain it, but tell me, when was the last time Sonic kicked my butt?"

"I think it happened over a month ago, more or less. After that you vanished and, well, that's it."

"Interesting."

"He's lying!" Whispered a chipmunk with a shovel, apparently thinking that I wouldn't hear him."

"If he's lying, he has to be the best liar in the world, because that seemed too sincere to me."

While they spoke among themselves, I stroked my chin, using my new yet still great intellect to plan ahead.

From then on, I had eight objectives to achieve:

1) Lose weight, and maybe even get fit, and not fit in the sense of 'broad shoulders, thin belly' of Boom, nor 'mass of pure muscles', but . I mean, being stupidly muscular is nice, but I don't think it would befit me for some reason. Instead, I'll try to get the Heavy body type: with a gut of having eaten nothing but sandviches, raw steaks, soviet chocolate bars and bear meat for five years, but clearly muscular. Of course, I would no longer be Eggman if I don't look like an egg.

2) Build a theme park the size of Parque Warner Madrid, for two reasons: A) Because I think that's Eggman's real lifegoal, and B) Because I can. That said, it wouldn't be based around me. I mean, that'd be cliche.

3) Either win the hearts and minds of the people legitimately by doing random acts of good. If not, get them to at least accept that I'm no longer a villain and want to be at peace. This would be linked to the above, but I think can accomplish both separately.

4) Try to stop the zombie apocalypse. Not just because it IS the right thing to do because I unleashed it, but also because I'm pretty damn sure that even if I manage to be loved and respected by everyone, their love and respect will go to the crapper once they start turning into technozombies.

5) Try to make Sonic see me as a friend. That's the best way to show that I really want to leave my old life behind.

6) Grow hair if I can. If not, wear a hat.

7) Profit!

8) Say Pingas and trademark the word.

Of course, the 'winning hearts and minds' will only work if they believe I deserve a chance to be forgiven at all. If not, well, there's always the Shrek way, living alone and in some god-forsaken place so that no one will bother me. Thing is, while I love my privacy, I'm scared shitless of being completely alone, mostly because I'm unashamedly afraid of the dark, and knowing that people are near me softens it.

It has nothing to do with having seen Jeepers Creepers when young, no siree.

And I was pretty sure no one would get what Pingas meant.

Seeing that I most of those couldn't get started right then and there, I did the most logical and easire to accomplish of my goals.

I did the first page of Darebee exercises without machines or dumbbells.

Hey, I couldn't just say Pingas in front of a lady and her daughter! Now I had standards, standards that I would keep!

"Dr. Eggman?" It was Cream speaking for the first time.

"Yes?"

"Why are you... doing push-ups?"

"Because I want to get strong, that's why."

Chapter 3

When Espio had told Sonic that Chaotix had finally found Eggman after two months of him having disappeared off the face of Mobius, he didn't waste time in asking how, were, how long had been Eggman there, and what did he do.

He didn't expect the chameleon to simply tell him to follow him to the Floral Forest Village. He actually said 'Just... just follow me and see', but the way he said it, and the tone (not scared, not angry, just... what was the word, flabbergasted, flaggerbasted? Yeah, flaggerbasted) unnerved Sonic, at least before he shook that feeling off to swap it for trepidation and a fighting will. If Eggman was alive, he HAD to be trying to enslave the poor villagers, maybe even turn them into robots, or worse! That would not stand!

Of course, that was until the pair arrived at the place.

Last time he had been on Floral Forest Village, a few days after the fall of the Eggman Empire, it was the archetypical quaint little village in the middle of a forest, made up of several single-story wooden houses and with a population that didn't surpass the hundred. He only knew that it even existed because Cream, her mother Vanilla, and their robotic guardian Gemerl lived there. It wasn't that it was so far away from the outer world that no one knew it existed, it was simply boring and nothing exciting ever happened since Eggman disappeared. Heck, he was pretty sure that even during his imprisonment the Empire had left it alone.

Now? Well, it was still quite small, though it had more houses, and didn't have the skyscrapers of Seaside City and Sunset City, much less the looming bastions of the now-abandoned Imperial City... but the people of Seaside didn't possess hovercars either, or weird rotating things on their roofs, or high-tech homes that had weird rotating things on their roofs, or-you know what? You probably got the point by now.

"What the!?" Sonic cried when the impossible image, a technologically advanced settlement in the middle of a forest, finally made its way to his brain.

"Yeah, Vector reacted exactly like that when he saw, well, this." Espio said as he gestured to the village. "Charmy on the other hand tried to mess with the wind turbines and, well, let's just say that he ended up losing breakfast." He said in an embarrased tone. "Even though we've been watching after them for a week, it still amazes me. Last month it was a simple village, but today Floral Forest is probably the most advanced settlement in all of Mobius. And before you get any ideas, that thing over there," He pointed towards something standing next to the small town, some kind of metallic structure the size of a tower. ", it's not a weapon, just some kind of trash disposal device that according to him will be operational soon."

"Who made all of this!? When was it made!? What happened!?" Sonic screamed his questions.

"Eggman, of course." Espio stated without even looking at him. Sonic stared at his friend with wide eyes, shocked by the nonchalant tone he spoke with.

What the heck did happen in that month!? And how did the Restoration miss this!?

The blue hedgehog breathed deeply to calm himself. "Okay, I can believe, at least a bit, that the good ol' doctor could do this... but why? This is not his usual MO." His tone then turned accusatory. "And why haven't you told us anything if you knew of him since a week ago?"

"You can ask him yourself, and before you ask, you might not recognize him when you see him, but he's still Eggman. Yeah, he has changed. As for why didn't we tell you, we had to make sure that Eggman wouldn't suddenly become a maniac again; that, and he asked us to not reveal him when he discovered us. C'mon, the rest of the team is at the town." Espio said before moving forward, a dumbfounded Sonic following him and taking on the place as they came in.

The villagers were happy, working, walking or driving around on their hovercars, and of course, excited by being visited by their hero. Well, for now everything was, but also not completely comforting for the hedgehog, despite what Espio said. What if they were being mind controlled, or simply forced to act like they were happy? What if they were robot duplicates that-

"Mr. Sonic!" A young voice coming from in front of him interrupted his thoughts. It was Cream, who was running towards him with a wide smile on her face, Cheese hovering above her and Charmy flying behind.

"Sonic!" The bunny exclaimed with glee before jumping at him, Charmy doing the same.

"Cream! Charmy!" Sonic laughed.

"Hello Sonic." Said Vanilla as he approached them with Gemerl behind her and hugging Sonic alongside her daughter and Charmy. "I'm so happy to see you after a month."

"Glad to see you too, Miss Vanilla." Sonic said as he returned her hug before frowning. "I've been told that Doctor Eggmand has been in here for an entire month. I'm not accusing anyone here or anything, but could I know why is he here, or why haven't you told us about him?"

Before Vanilla could respond, his daughter. "Oh, you're here for Mr. Eggman? He's right here! Mr. Eggman!" She called. "Mr. Eggman, Sonic wants to see you!"

"Coming, coming!" Exclaimed a familiar voice coming from behind Sonic. Familiar, sans deeper than he remembered. "But first, I have an announcement to... oh. Howdy Sonic."

The hedgehog, fearing of what would he see if he turned (for all he knew this 'Eggman' was a literal walking egg, not Ivo Robotnik), steeled himself and turned around to face 'Eggman', and Vector, who was standing behind. Surprisingly Eggman was still Eggman... but at the same time, saying that Eggman might not be Eggman at all would fall short of the truth.

Instead of wearing his iconic crazy scientist attire, he now wore red overalls, yellow plastic gloves with gray markings, one of which held a red toolbox, and a yellow hardhat he was wearing backwards. That was just his clothing though, not his new body frame.

He still had a gut, but it was noticeably smaller than he remembered, and overshadowed by the muscular... everything else he had! Arms, chest, neck and all that. He looked big before (after all, Sonic was just a little more half his height), but with those muscles he looked even bigger than Vector, and he was a crocodile for heaven's sake! A crocodile that actually didn't seem that muscular, but was still bigger than anyone else (and still strong enough to lift a van if he saw a penny below it). He had also his ridiculous moustache for a much more normal beard that covered his entire face, making him look even more intimidating, yet also, somehow, nicer-looking despite his schnoz.

And then there were his eyes, his real ones. He had expected the mad doctor to replace his eyes with red optics or something, to make himself intimidating or some other stupid reason given that he always, ALWAYS wore those googles of his. Instead, he was surprised to see that his irises were a nice shade of blue.

Eyes that were looking down at him with a risen eyebrow.

"Good day?" Eggman asked. "You've been staring at me like an idiot staring at another idiot."

Ignoring the possible insult, Sonic shook his head. "Alright Eggman, what's the deal? Why are you acting like this?"

Instead of acting surprised, or asking what he was talking about, as Sonic thought/hoped, Eggman shrugged. "'Cause I want too."

"I'll take it from here." Vector said to Eggman, who nodded. "Apparently Eggman has decided to start over with a clean state by helping people. I know, I know, hard to believe, but look around."

"Did he hit his head on a rock or something?" Asked Sonic, believing that the doctor had amnesia even though Eggman had called him by his name.

"Nope. Well, maybe?" Vector admitted with a shrug of his shoulders. "He said he still remembers who he is and a bit of you, and is aware of his wrongdoing past, but doesn't remember what he did."

Sonic couldn't believe what he just heard. Eggman, not only wanting to be good (and apparently not a ruse), but also having forgotten his past (not just the many atrocities he commited, but also the adventures he had alongside the blue speedster)?

"That'll have to be seen." Sonic then turned to Eggman. "Don't you remember fighting over the Chaos Emeralds?"

"I've been told what they are. Why risk my life for some rocks? Heck, I'd stay away from something that has 'Chaos' on its name, I'm not stupid. It could be related to reality-warping weirdos, or demon gods from outer space. Don't ask why I said that."

Sonic decided to humour him in that regard and continued. "Lost Hex?"

"Someone lost their Demons and Dungeons map?" He was, of course, referring to the first and most famous tabletop roleplaying game in all of Mobius, and a favourite of Tails, Vector, and if the rumours were right, even Shadow himself.

"The Death Egg?"

"Know about a Death Star, but Death Egg? Nope, haven't even been told about it."

"The Ark?"

At this Eggman actually seemed to remember, gasping in realization, but then he frowned. "Hold on. Is this 'Ark' a space habitat where prehistoric beasts, mutants and gun-toting survivors live?"

"Uh?" Uh? "No. Well, it was a space station, and itself a weapon, but there were no prehistoric beasts or anything there, only scientists. Why did you ask that?"

"Idea for a game." Eggman said nonchalantly before looking down at him with a frown. "Look Sonic, as Vector here said I remember me, you, my obsession with controlling the world, my even greater obsession with you, your friends, and my love of being evil, but as I told the lovely Ms. Vanilla and her daughter" He gestured towards Cream's mom, who blushed, blushed!, and waved her hand; Vanilla was too busy playing with Charmy to see. ", nothing else."

"What is that thing that looks suspiciously like a-" Sonic managed to say before said thing unexpectedly moved and fired at the sky, making a thunderous noise that sounded like a combination of a giant cannon and something metallic and very heavy hitting another metallic object.

"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT!?"

"Mass driver cannon. Don't let the 'cannon' fool ya though, it's basically a dumpster truck to space except without the truck. Oh, and I'm pretty sure that it also fires the trash faster than you can run."

"You said you would warn us when you'd fire it today!" Vanilla said, although not in an angry tone, as she covered hers and her daughter's ears.

"Blame blue boy here for mounting a ruckus and making me move." He then turned towards Espio. "I thought you promised that you'd tell him."

"Sonic is... special. Plus, you said you'd be firing it at full power 'soon', not today." Espio replied.

"What about it shooting faster than I can run?" Sonic interrupted, his confusion (and feelings of offense towards the horned ninja) briefly shoved aside by jealousy, insulted (and a bit scared) that a machine could fire something at a speed that surpassed his, and not seeing Espio's exhasperated expression. "¿How fast are we talking about?"

"15 kilometers per second, at full power. Only ten are needed to break Mobius gravity hold, though. Wonder why hasn't anyone noticed the shots." Eggman pondered.

"Those weren't as loud." Vector pointed out.

Okay, that was pretty fast. No near as fast as he could be when he ran at full speed, but still, hypersonic trash!

"And where does this trash-" Sonic started again before Eggman raised a hand.

"Sonic, I know what are you getting at, and my answer is no. I left that live behind."

"Uh, why?" Sonic asked, too confused to form more complex sentences.

"Because as far as I care I'm winning."

"Uh?" Sonic didn't expect that response. Winning? Wasn't Eggman's idea of winning conquer all of Mobius, enslave its inhabitants, get rid of him permanently, and built a theme park centered on him? "What do you mean with 'winning'?"

"Look around you: these people are happy, they like and respect me despite my past sins, this place will be the envy of the entire world when they finally realize it exists, I build a gun whose use is completely utilitarian..."

"I still don't follow, Eggman." Sonic said as he folded his arms in front of him, an accusatory look on his eyes as he stared up at Eggman.

The former mad scientist sighed before putting his toolbox on the ground and sitting on it. "Alright, seeing that just telling you my motivations won't work... You better sit fellas, this will take some time to explain." The group did as he asked. "Okay, here I go. It all started a month ago after I woke up..."

.......

Next chapter will explain what happened: how did Eggman get so swole? Why did it take so long for the Chaotix detectives to discover that Eggman was alive? Why is there a mass driver throwing trash to space? All of that will take several chapters to explain, all of them being from the SI's POV. You know, kinda like most of The Time Machine. Sorry if you think that some parts of the writing are badly done, I'm a bit busy with my own novel.

Yeah, I turned Eggman into the Engineer. However, I will NOT build robot-expies of the other mercs, for the simple fact that three are psychos.