In my world

                              CHAPTER ONE

   Our church was situated at the back of our bungalow, it was one of the most popular places of worship in the city of Lagos. I came from a very devoted and reputable family, my mom was a deaconess and my dad was also a deacon.

     4:00 am was my regular time of waking up, I would sweep the compound which was always covered with the faeces of those animals with the leaked anus, covering my nose with my head tie, I would use my mother's lantern which was always weak every morning, maybe it was because it was always lit till dawn.

    I had no issues waking Ikenna and somto in the morning but Amadi was exceptional.  I always found it very difficult in getting him up for school, I would scream his name so loud with a cup of water in my hands and yet he wouldn't still get up. His soul only decides to wake up when he hears the voice of our mother.

"His Amadi still sleeping " Amadi would quickly get up in confusion.

    My mom was my only rescue when it comes to discipline. Everyone feared her, she showed no mercy in discipline, even Ikenna our precious last born was  also scared of her.

  "So you don't know that you're supposed to get ur buttocks up " greeting him with a slap. 

   "Mommy good morning " Ikenna would say with His hands on His cheek

    I would quickly pick up my scarf from the faded black box that uncle Jude bought for us as a Christmas gift last 3 years. Every time I set my eyes on that box, my mood would automatically change.  If uncle Jude was still alive, my mother's rigid nature would have not been worse, he was the only one that could calm her down. But, death decided to take him away.

[  ]      "Good morning Jesus" my mother would say placing her kneels on the ground.  Our morning devotions were always very lengthy and boring, we would raise our voices high above our patched roof with our hands together rebuking and casting what wasn't ours.

  " Oh! God my father, let the suffering of your apostles and prophets be upon us ". Those prayers never seized from my mother's lips, she would always say that the sufferings of God's followers were being blessed when they die. That it is better to suffer on earth than suffer in hell. I would innerly  reject those prayers.

  After our devotion, my mom would leave the house for church, she would carry her bag which was always very big, filled with fruits, handkerchiefs and four bottles of water that she got from our kitchen tap.

  She would leave the house giving us instructions, then her next move was to the church.  She was always involved in all the activities of the church, morning till night.  She knew who goes in and out of the church.  The church keys were always with her, she had no job except the work of God, and my dad was the only breadwinner and our favourite.  Most times, members of the church would vehemently gossip about her saying that she was very jobless but, my mother would ignore saying.

   "Whatever pleases humans, displeases God " That was her only backup statement.

    When she comes back, she would call everybody. We would all line up like slaves awaiting our buyers,  she would bring out those items from her bags, giving us one after the other.  We dare not open them without saying our regular prayer.

"Oh! Lord fill our lives with your love " Then we would eat and drink the holy items she brought back from the church.

   "How dirty is your hankie ?" My mom would ask in other to give us the new handkerchief she blessed from the church.  We would put them in our school bags in other for us to be brilliant in class. That was what she made Us believe. 

       I was the best in my class, and most times when I am asked about the source of my brilliance, I wouldn't hesitate to show them my handkerchief.  It got to a time when all my classmates were putting handkerchiefs in their bags, but I was still the best among the rest.

  My mom would say "The God of my pastor does not sleep nor slumber "she would happily carry my report card to the church placing them at the altar. Whenever she goes to the altar with me, I knew that my own has finished because we would be the last people to leave the church. She would earnestly thank God for making me pass my exams.

     My mom was a true Christian, our compound was my only friend I dare not step out of the house without a tangible reason. I only had friends in class and they were all girls.

My mom would make sure I had no male friends with me, and she would instruct Mr Kenedy our English tutor to monitor my movements and he never failed To tell her everything. 

   One very tragedic day, my skin got pulled out. I was sitting and gisting with Kate, she was my only best friend. While eating the biscuits Kate gave me Gideon came, Dragging the biscuits from my hand I couldn't hesitate to follow him up in other to collect the biscuits.  Everyone knew that Gideon was always very stubborn, so they were not surprised when they saw me chasing the life out of him, my legs slipped and I saw myself on the ground.  Gideon was so kind enough to help me get up, he was dusting my skirt when Mr Kennedy suddenly walked In, I knew he had a loosed mouth. I tried explaining to him but, he didn't say a word to me.

   I left the school compound with my kidney in my feet I knew my mom would kill me If Mr Kennedy told her anything. Of which he did.

My mom didn't allow me to explain, she pounds on me like an injured lion. My skin was swollen.

  "You want to disgrace me you this child," She said. if my dad was around then he would have saved me and allowed me to explain everything to him.

   My body was so bruised she helped me massage my back with our olive oil.

"I remove every spirit of prostitution in you, "she said

"I did not kill my mother, you would not kill me" leaving me all to myself to bear the pain. I hated Mr Kenedy and always wished him death.                        CHAPTER TWO

      My mother would always tell me to stay away from boys , Of which I always obeyed her ." Ifeoma, boys are bad they only want what is under your skirt and nothing more.  They are like male goats they never get satisfied with anything,stay away from them . I would disown you if by any chance I find out that you are pregnant.  I gave birth to you in my husband's house not my father's. If you bring shame to me I will bring death to you . Look at Anita ,see the way she ended her life . If you get pregnant I would also end yours . I have done my best as a mother but,if you feel my training isn't good enough for you ,it is left for you . Your father married me as a vrigin ,hope you know what a Virgin mean"? She asked .

"Yes " I answered

" Who is a virgin?"

"A virgin is someone who has never had sex" she was shocked

" So ,you know who a virgin is, very soon you you start having sex " she said

     The next day ,my mom took me for a virginity check up,Of which it came out positive.

   We always go for a virginity test every six month after my mom's Journey to the Mount.  Those period were always peaceful and kind to us ,she would travel with pastor Emeka to see God or have an encounter with the Holy spirit.

    She would bring different items from the mountain.  Her behaviour would be so holy and kind then after three days her real nature would come back . For those days of holiness we were free from discipline she would speak to us very nicely then would discipline us after three days . She said that the holy spirit was dwelling in her and she never wanted anything to make the holy spirit depart from her .

                       ☆☆☆☆☆

   Our pastor's house wasn't far from the church.  It was like three hundred steps away from the church . My mom had sent me to give them some vegetables my grand mother brought from the village. I was very unhappy to go there ,the way pastor Emeka always looked at me was very displeasing . Whenever I spoke to him he would have his eyes fixed to my boobs,I had always wanted to tell my mom but, I was very scared to tell her because, no one has the right to speak ill of a servant of God . When I entered the house, he was the only one at home I was so scared ,he asked me to come inside. When I got inside I saw him reading his Bible I wasn't scared again cause, I thought he would respect the bible but no .

  "My mom said I should give these vegetables to your wife "I said

"Oh! Drop it in the kitchen "He said

I went into the kitchen to drop the vegetables but before I left the kitchen he was already in side.  He came close to me making me so furious.

"Ifeoma ,you are now a grown girl, how old are you " He asked

"I am 14 "I replied

"Wow! 14 years and you've the qualities of an 18 years old girl" placing his hands on my face ,I tried removing my face from his reach but his hands were on my breast .

"Are you a kid ,let me anoint you" My eyes were like that of a puppy ,as he dragged me to his chest my heart began to beat one could hear the sounds it was making.  On my left hand side was a kitchen knife my intention was to stab him with a knife but,I was so scared of killing a man of God . He soon left me with a loud shout of pain. I had no other option than to stab him at his hands, I quickly left  the house running straight home to tell my mom about the incident.  I thought she would fight but she really disappointed me .

" Why would you go and see a man with this skirt ,don't you know that they are too revelling . You would be acting like you don't know men ,get inside"

  She instructed me not to tell my father what had happened.  To my greatest surprise I saw my mom getting ready to go to the church . She told me that she was only worshipping God and not her pastor.  I knew my life was doomed for ever . Pastor Emeka came to apologise and blamed the devil for his misdeeds.

       She still made provisions for pastor Emeka saying a man of God must not starve . She would sponsor the feeding and any other expenses in the Church my dad was her only source of income .

   Our annually church harvest was fast approaching and as usual my mom starved herself, praying for a miraculous harvest.

   She sponsored the foods and drinks on that day and was giving an award from the church.  She truly deserved the award ,her shoulders were now very high ,this award made it the fifth award she would be collecting in the church. The awards were her identification of being a Christian. She would say that a true Christian must be recognised every where and anytime . Her awards were kept at the left corner in our sitting room so that anyone who came visiting would clearly see the awards .

  It was obvious my dad never liked her dedicated attitude towards christ but he couldn't do anything.  My mom never hesitated to call him a devil anytime he told her to stop prayer so loud .

     "A closed mouth is a closeed destiny " she would say.

    My dad was so tired and most times he wouldn't come back home . But,my mom never cared . It was of a great advantage for her to extend her prayers to her satisfaction.

    I hated Christianity for that ,I often wished I was a pegan but,my prayers weren't answered I stayed my entire life as a forced devoted Christian.                           CHAPTER THREE

      My mom had a very caring heart ,she loved people irrespective of their tribe,religion and culture.

   She was very generous and open minded,and was at peace with everybody even our Muslim neighbours were always happy to see her .

   She tried her best to change their fate but it was obviously not possible. It didn't change her nature of being kind and free minded .

     Her adherence to the words of God were very strong ,she believed in every teachings of christ even when she was being offended she would still preach and show kindness.

   "If your neighbour slaps you on your left cheek do well to give him your right cheek also " That's what she would saw whenever people insult her . Her love for christ was very strong that even when she was being persecuted for being righteous she still did the works of God.

        She was also a therapist for christ ,if you were in great distance with christ she must make sure she brings you back to him .

    Her connection with God brought distance with us . We were never close if I had problems I would rather keep it to my self than tell her . She would  quote biblical verses that were not aligning with my problem .

    "The scriptures says that woe to any man...." She would talk and judge your problem and still add more problems to your problem, it was like adding salt to your wounded leg .

      "The only thing  a child of your age should be bothered about is how you would get more closer to God and nothing more " she would say. Her talks were so cheap to me and I found them so irrelevant. 

     One very particular year my dad decided to be a dancer ,he danced for weeks and month till he had his legs on a bucket .

   My mom cried her lifes out and also beg for death to take her along .

   She just had to be very strong for us and for herself also ,her God was her only strength and he never failed To provide for us . Although we never lacked anything but lacked happiness.  We were so divided and no one cared .

    My mom was very strict than usual and her strictness gave us distance .

   Her behaviour never allowed her to notice my sudden change . I was at the point of committing suicide and needed help  But,I had no one to run to .

  Who would I run to, is it Somto or ikenna that were so naive and it wasn't there fault, they were still little and could not understand my situation.

   Collins was the most cutest boy in my class,he was every girls dream and I wasn't excluded.  Handsome boys are always snobbish in nature ,so I wasn't surprised with the way he cares his shoulders high . He was always very neat,I was really liking him so bad . Although I didn't make it obvious to him but I was troubled . Liking  a person was a sin ,a very big sin . My mind became troubled for liking Collins,  days and months grew and my feelings were still the same .

   "Mommy,I think I have committed a sin "my mom's ears grew very large ,she was so eager to hear me talk ,of which I told her .

"There is this boy in my class ,I think I like him" I could see the fire in her eyes, her body became very hot I felt the hotness of her body through her hands on my face ,I couldn't cry but weep .

"You want to bring disgrace to me ifeoma, what Is his name" she furiously asked

"His his his his na na name issss Co Collins " I stutteringly replied.

  If I had known I would have just sealed my lips .

   I couldn't sleep that night ,I wondered in pain .

   What would happen on Monday?

My mom was a very dramatic person ,I pleaded with her and promised to turn a new leaf but,my tears were nothing to her .

    "All these children that want to go astray ,the Lord is watching you . A good child of God must know the things of God and abstain from it . But,it seems ifeoma here has departed from christ " my heart sank ,I was the ifeoma in my church or the most recognised one .

"Ifeoma come here " Pastor Emeka called.

    I stood at the altar with oil on my head ,my mom left her seat to meet me at the altar . Oil and the smelling saliva of pastor Emeka were all over my face.

    I was now an object of ridicule, but that wasn't all. Collins knew I liked him because my mom was very dramatic.

   "Stay clear from my daughter " she yelled

   "I don't know your daughter and can never have anything to do with her"Collins angrily replied .

   My hatred grew bigger towards my mom. I regretted her existence, I wished she was the one dead and not my dad.

        Teen hood was one of the tribulating  aspect of my life . Difficulties from left and right were on  me, no one was there to save or rescue my depressed state.  I became more arrogant and frustrated about life and vehemently wished for death but, it didn't obey me .

  The last thing I did as a child was to tell my mom what ever that was bothering me .

   "Once bitten ,twice shy" I would say to my self . She never noticed my sudden change her only aim was to win her children's soul to God and nothing more.

                 CHAPTER FOUR

       The dream of becoming a musician was my only desire ,I couldn't tell my mom my ambition cause,she had always wanted me to be a lawyer just like her sister's child Auntie Nkechi .

    I would often sing Christian songs outwardly and passionately sing worldly song innerly.  My mom ears would often burn if she hears any song that those not contain the word JESUS her muscles will add more strength to her body she would scream and throw things at you .

  "Will you shut up ,you this child "  Her footwear never failed To discipline us at that moment. 

    My mom's dramatic nature made people move away from me ,I had no friend even Kate left me .

   My mom would go to her house to preach the word of God to her ,if by any chance she notice any change in Kate .

  "Kate my dear ,you are ready backsliding in the Word of God , thank God my daughter is better than you " she would say.

   Kate became fed up and ended our friendship leaving me all to my self .

     Social media was a big turn off for my mom ,she would say "Wiches and wizard will initiate you " those words never failed To leak out from her mouth whenever she sees children with phones .

                             ☆☆☆☆☆

      Every 22nd of May was always my dad's birthday, we never failed To celebrate this day even when he died his legacy still lived on . Although, most times my mom would forget, we were never bothered.

      I would make ikenna sit at my right hand side while Amadi and somto at my left handside . My dad was always at the middle so I took his position . Demonstrating with tears with my lips refusing to utter any word .

  "Ikenna my boy , You know that I love you so much " those were the words my dad would always say before telling us his usual story . We could tell his stories word for word and we were never tired of him reciting the same story .

   " The monkey , was so clever that he made the Tortise so..."

"Gullible " Amadi finished the story line as we all broke into tears and consoled ourself . My mom felt my dad's dismissal but ,she was so strong to hold on.

     We would prepare his favourite meal for that day and I would always dress  Ikenna in my dad's favourite dress. Although, they were always big on him but my dad always loved it whenever his children wore his cloth especially Ikenna.

    If you beat up a child with your left hand, draw him closer with your right hand . Those proverbs never failed To leave my dad's lips whenever we did something bad.

                           ☆☆☆☆☆

  My school transferred Mr Kenedy to another school, I was so happy that atlast he has left me for good .

   My mom never had anyone to tell her things about me and she was always now busy with work. My life was suddenly coming back in school, I had the freedom I had always wished for , my freedom knew no bound when Kunle came in . He was so nice and cool towards me he was my new best friend .

    I told him things I never told my mom and he never for once judged me . Although I liked him but,this time I told no one not even him. We did everything together and my happiness was automatically restored. 

      My joy became bigger when he confessed his feelings towards me ,I immediately agreed but, told him to keep it as a deadly secret  of which he agreed. Our love grew stronger and stronger until I became pregnant.

    That was when I remembered I was only 16 years of age , I never knew that the little sex we had would amount to pregnancy.  My world has ended ,my life was now better of dead my mom would show me no mercy.

   It was that moment I knew kunle never loved me ,he suddenly flew away and I never saw him again maybe he was a ghost or something else .

My mom was an object of ridicule she was removed from all the positions the church gave her . Her inability to bring me up in the right way made her lose her worth of which, she made me pay for them.

   My house was a living hell for me ,what ever I did or say was used against me . My mom made sure I lost that disgrace through beating and starvation.  I knew she was satisfied and Happy that the disgrace has left her and I was also happy. But,her position in the church wasn't restored until six months then she bounced back.

                            ☆☆☆☆☆

My mom made me wear her shame ,her constant reminder made me a shadow of my self . Her daily nagging and hatred made me lost and helpless ,I never had anyone to talk to not even her . She made my siblings move away from me .

"I will not let you initiate my children with your misfortune.  You this vessel of disgrace " she would sing to my ears .

  Weeks turning into month and months turning into years I lived in my  mom's shame .

   We were never at peace with our selves, I would tremble whenever I set my eyes on her and she would spit on the floor whenever she felt my presence.

   "Upon all my teachings ,you still decided to bring shame to me "

    "Your children will also bring shame upon you " My mom would always say when ever she sets her eyes on me .

   "Death

   Oh!death

    Take me to my father " my world was practically ending.                               CHAPTER FIVE .

  "Ifeaoma ,you know you are a big girl now . You are no longer a virgin and you know what I want " I couldn't endure the disgusting saliva of Pastor Emeka.

   I was so triggered by the statue at the altar.

  "Have you no respect for God?" I wondered within.

   Those words I couldn't say to him when I was 14 I rendered all of them to him .

  "Any day you preach about God may he strike you dead "

   "No reseasonable man would marry you ,don't you that your virginity Is what makes you a woman " he continued

  He cleaned his face with his white handkerchief after I poured him my ravaging saliva .

     I vowed never to return to that church not even in my death bed.

         "Don't you know what it means for a man to willingly marry you even with your past " My mom said

    "He is eager and ready to marry you ,and don't you know what it takes for me to be the mother in law of a pastor " she continued .

    "But ,Mommy I'm just 18" I said

     "And so what ,what's the big deal in you getting married at the age of 18 after all, you got divirgined at the age of 14 or even 12 "  I couldn't hold on any more

    "Are you not also a widow, hence he is looking for a wife . Do well to offer your self to him ,after all, you are widow. Maybe that was why you killed dad ...." my lips were soon sealed up when she gifted me with a slap . But,that didn't stop me from voicing out all my accumulated anger .

   "Yes and fine I made a mistake of which I  would  forever blame you for it "

"You dare blame me for your misfortune "she angrily answered "

    "  where were you ? Where were you when I needed you the most ?

   Oh!! I can I forget ,you were in the church prayer for your children's salvation.

I cried and prayed every night for you to notice my struggling state but whenever I looked at you ,you were always with your Bible.  Mummy, where were you when I needed you the most ,when my life was gradually breaking into pieces, when we needed someone to talk to . Daddy died and left us in your care but you abandoned us..."

   "I never abandoned you people I..." I interrupted

   "What killed Somto" I asked

     "What has somto got to do with this " she tearfully answered

  "Every thing,  everything and everything. You knew somto was asthmatic and you still had the audacity to believe your so called pastor.

The annual crusade was always a miraculous one ,testimonies from all angles were been said of which I knew they were fake . God doesn't work with a sinner.  Pastor Emeka gave my mom a prophecy from his god that she should make Somto inhale smoke from the incense that he would give her . He told her to burn the incense and make Somto inhale the divine smoke from God that she would be healed ,my mom willing agreed like an elderly Child . When she did what the pastor had instructed her to do ,somto started coughing and became conscious, she ran to call her pastor instead of giving somto her inhaler. Pastor Emeka asked her to leave somto alone that the spirit of God was taking over ,that was how somto met God . Pastor Emeka still told her that his Lord and God asked  him to tell my mom not to worry ,that Somto was dwelling in the vinyard of God ,that she shouldn't worry my mom foolishly went mute about the whole situation. 

" Kunle gave me the love you never gave me ,if only you gave me the love and attention I needed ,my life, our lifes wouldn't be in this state.  Mommy it's been three years now ,three years of wearing your shame ,your own shame I'm tired and fed up of carrying your shame ,wear your shame your self .Thank you for being a mom and also a destroyer ,my own kids would definitely not suffer the way we did " I walked out of the room leaving her to the bed .

                           ☆☆☆☆☆

That very night, we could only hear the chirping sounds of our backyard crickets, my mom couldn't pray nor even sing . I was so happy that i finally said my unsaid words and I felt like a burden had left me ,I happily slept like a normal child.

  "Ifeoma ,get up let's talk " my mother's faded voice woke me up .

  "I know I neglected you people but,I do know that I never abandoned you people "

   "You did ,you left us and went to God ,I needed advices and attention but I was so scared to tell you  . Do you remember when you told pastor Emeka what I secretly told you?

Ever since that day I vowed never to tell you anything again "

    " I'm sorry I neglected or abandoned you,I'm deeply sorry . There is no justification for my actions that is why I can't explain my self but, I'm deeply so sorry " she said

      To err is human and to forgive is divine . What would be my gain if I live one earth without forgiving her . But ,I vowed never to bring my children in that way.

We lived happily ever after but the history still lingers through my mind .

                       THE END.