MY DIRTY LITTLE SECRET

Nothing in my life was going as per my plan. I wondered if making plans made any sense. My studies had gone haywire, and Piyush had found a girlfriend. It was a week ago when Zarah broke the news to me that Piyush was dating a girl who'd been dropping him at Nani's house from his college quite frequently in her white car. The worst thing was that this courting was arranged by his parents-----yes, he was meeting a girl whom his parents thought to be good enough for him to get married to. Rumours had it that the beautiful pair was to get married as soon as he finished his studies, provided all went well between them. I was broken to say the least. I knew that I had taken forever to tell him how I felt about him, but I had my reasons. I was very low on confidence, and was scared that he would never give me a chance to even confess my feelings for him the way I wanted to. So I tried hard to forget him. Little did I know that my feelings for him were seeds which when buried deep in my heart, would grow into love.

I cried alot that night till morning and it became my routine, I was so heart broken, that my heart bleeds when I think I'd never be able to wooe him, I tried to drink and smoke to forget him, but it didn't bring any relief as his face remained in front of my eyes all the time, and the fact that he was going to be someone's husband in a few months brought tears to my eyes. I bunked college on the days when I had to attend classes as per the pact with my friends. Soon those college friends too left my side.

I thought of various ways to smother my love for him, but the truth is that true love never dies. It sleeps silently in aching hearts and wakes up on lonely nights. These nights were what I dreaded the most. I began sharing my pain and heartbreak with Zarah, but very soon she was on the brink of getting too frustrated with me to care.

'Why did he do this to me, yaar?' I asked her, again and again, one drunk night on the roof of her house.

'He did nothing! The fact is that you did nothing when you could have,' her words were harsh but true, and I agreed with her somewhere deep inside. I knew that I had not given myself a chance when there was time.

'Can I do something now? Do you think if I tell him how I feel about him, would he be interested? Do you think I stand a chance at all?'

'Are you crazy? Have you seen the girl his parents have chosen for him? Why are all her words making sense tonight? The girl was rich, beautiful, sexy and from what I saw from afar, she cared for him too.

'What if I tell this girl that Piyush and I are having an affair and that she should get out of the way? No one wants to get married to someone else's boyfriend!' I blurted out the stupid plan that had been brewing in my head for the past week.

'Listen to yourself! You have stooped so bloody low! How can you think of lying? Moreover, I do not think she will believe you. This is not a movie. Only a miracle can work things out for you now. And as we all known, there is no such thing in the world as a miracle, so it is better that you move on now. . . . .' she went on, but I lost her there.

'Miracle, miracle . . .' I repeated a few minutes before passing out.

The next day when I woke up, the word miracle was still stuck in my head. I was sleeping in Zarah bed and she was snoring next to me. Her father and mother were downstairs. It was quite early in the morning, so instead of waking up my super-intelligent friend, I formulated a plan. A lot of Godmen claim to help lovers through some small remedy. Lovers like me, the one who love with all their heart, one-sidedly ------ my kind of lovers----approach Godmen to get the love of their lives to Love them back, and then they live happily ever after! Magic was the only thing I could count on in my circumstances. I decided to find one such Godmen on the internet and see if he could help me. Like a cat in super stealth mode, I left Zarah's house quietly and went home to organize the next step.

In the afternoon, after having lunch with my parents, I stepped out of the house with a telephone number scribbled on a small piece of crumbled paper and called the Godmen. His secretary picked up the call and asked me to let her know about the problem. I told her my sad story, remembering to change the names of all the major characters. 'Come and meet us at our office,' she said after listening to my saga of love, as I prefer to call it. 'And get some strands of the boys hair,' she told me before hanging up. It is not a big deal; it is just hair, I told to myself. My scared heart was suddenly not so sure of what I was getting myself and Piyush into.

Zarah had called me a few times since I'd sneaked out of her house without waking her up; she wanted to check on me and see if I was okay. I called her back and assured her that all was fine. After having a cup of coffee, I decided to go to Nani's home to complete the mission. I tiptoed up the stairs and reached Piyush's room. A dustbin was kept outside the room, and I hoped to find my treasure in it----- strands of his hair. The door is closed, great! That makes my work easy. I lifted the lid and scanned the contents of the bin with a lot of concentration leaving aside the disgust.

Suddenly, I heard a voice coming from Piyush's room; he was not alone. Rohit was with him, and he sounded outraged, 'How could she?' I froze as soon as I heard him. Hurry up, my mind said, or you will get caught peeping in the dustbin like a starving cat.

'Do not talk about her please, Rohit. I tried to make it work, but she said that I was not worth her time and that she is calling it off!' Piyush was sad. His voice was low, the saddest I had ever heard him. I left the task at hand and ran down the stairs; his words echoed in my head, and my heart thumped fast. I was so close to being caught with my hand in the dustbin of the boy I claimed to love when he was going through a crisis. I am such an ass! I thought ,only thinking about myself. I looked at my reflection in the mirror with loathing for what I had become. I was planning to practise black magic on the men I claimed to be in love with. I never thought about him, his feelings, his emotions. I stayed away with Piyush, and for the next few days, I could not even meet my own eyes in the mirror. I was feeling so disgust at that moment and ashamed for my thoughts and the thing I was trying to do with my love. I was so thankful that I had not disclosed this dirty little secret to anyone, and it will go with me to the grave.