VIII : Sun-Hee

⚠️ This chapter includes some sensitive topics that may be triggering please proceed with caution⚠️

"I felt when I walked on the cold winter streets

The sound of my fast heartbeat, breathing I still feel it

Don't say it's okay, cause it's not okay

Please don't leave me alone, it hurts too much"

Blue & Grey- >BTS

"Are you okay?", "If I say yes will it make you feel better about what you saw?". Mina looked down guilt consuming her, she always felt so useless in these types of situations. She so desperately wanted to be the person that could help Sun-Hee to heal but realized a long time ago that you can't help someone that's already accepted that their situation is hopeless. She knew that Sun-Hee was trying, that she was doing all of the things that are meant to help her face her trauma. However, throughout the years she had become a bit desensitized to her situation, acting like it was her normal, embracing it as if she believed that it would get better if she got it over with instead of dealing with those feelings in the moment. It was always horrible to see her in this way, soaked in sweat, breathing harshly, exhausted.

Sun-Hee had always been strong, never letting anyone see the broken side of her with the exception of Mina and Dr Choi. Just like everyone else in the world she hated being pitied, she hated being judged and she absolutely hated feeling crazy. "No, it won't, why didn't you tell me about this?", "Because the dreams are different lately, every time I close my eyes the person that haunts me the most is myself and its terrifying. At least in the recurring dream my only participation is to watch everything unfold but in these dreams it's like I'm being tortured by myself. Everything in the dreams feels too real". Mina almost stumbled back in complete shock, she couldn't believe that Sun-Hee was sharing her dream with her, usually she would just brush it off and tell her not to worry. She didn't know how to feel or what to say, all she could do was hug her. She knew that she couldn't even begin to compare anything that she had experienced to what Sun-Hee must be feeling so she just sat with her on the bed hugging her as tightly as she possibly could.

Sun-Hee felt somewhat relieved when Mina hugged her, she was so grateful for the gesture. She knew Mina probably wanted to ask her more about the dream but chose to comfort her instead. "Thank you", Mina almost broke down in tears when she heard her cousin's soft voice. She sounded so broken, "For what? Hugging you? If it helps, I'm glad. I really want to tell you that it will be okay and that things will get better but I know you don't want to hear that so instead I'll just keep on hugging you. Thank you for telling me about your dream, I know it must be hard to say it out loud, I'm so proud of how strong you are. If you ever just need a hug, you can always call me. "

Sun-Hee felt grateful, she finally understood what Dr Choi was trying to tell her. She didn't realize how good it felt to have someone you love understand you. She knew she couldn't always burden Mina with too much of her feelings but it felt good to have someone to lean on that won't just sympathize and move on. It felt selfish to enjoy the brief feeling of relief she felt when Mina held no judgment towards her. "The dreams, they're different every time but they all end the same no matter what happens. It feels like I'm drowning over and over again and the more I struggle for air, the more I fight to get out of the water all I end up doing is letting more water enter my lungs. I keep on being the only person weighing myself down in every dream. It hurts when I wake up every time, my throat hurts and my chest hurts, I don't know how to make it stop. I'm afraid to sleep because I am terrified of what my dreams will be and I'm scared to open my eyes every day and start breathing"

Mina felt devastated hearing this, she couldn't stop the tears from flowing she held onto her cousin tightly. She had always wanted Sun-Hee to talk to her about what she felt but hearing this made her regret pushing her all the time. Mina knew that it must probably be incredibly difficult for her to even function properly when her mentality is in such a bad state, she couldn't help but feel sad because Sun-Hee had been holding in all of this for years and dealt with it on her own, she also felt very proud of the fact that despite all of this Sun-Hee remained one of the best people that she knows. "Sun-Hee, I hope you know that no matter what happens you always have me. I'm so grateful that you trust me enough to tell me about this, but I'm not sure how to be the person you need because all I can really offer you is a shoulder to cry on so I hope that helps. You've always been the strongest person I know and that will never change for me, you're still the person I look up to the most. Cry as much as you need to, I'll make sure to hold you so tightly that no bad dream would even dare to disturb your sleep"

Waking up early the next morning, Sun-Hee felt lighter and well rested. Granted she only got a few hours of sleep but it was like she had two days of continuous rest, it felt good. She rarely experienced dreamless sleep but was always grateful for the break. She had a soft smile on her face while making breakfast for her and Mina, she couldn't describe the amount of relief she felt when Mina had comforted her last night. Being able to lean on someone and just feel her emotions was not something that she was accustomed to at all she was always the type to go completely numb after her nightmares and then book an appointment with Dr Choi to sort out her feelings after the fact. "You're up early, we slept so late last night I thought you might want to sleep in". Sun-Hee smiled and shook her head, "As much as I would have loved to stay in I can't, I have a photoshoot in an hour and can't reschedule it".

"A photoshoot? What for?, Can I come too? Also, will there be food?". Sun-Hee giggled at the last question, "The photoshoot is for my upcoming album's photo book, yes you can come I'm sure Hyun-Shik won't mind and yes there will be food at the craft services table". Sun-Hee laughed out loud watching Mina run off to get ready with a piece of toast in her mouth. At least she would have company between her breaks and it wouldn't be boring. "Are you sure they will be okay with me being here?", "I'm sure, now stop worrying and get ready I can't be late". Shaking her head at her cousin's silliness, she checks her text messages hoping to see some form of communication from Min-Jun but there was nothing. Now she could have texted him first but honestly, she had been the one making all the moves so far, she felt like maybe she was being too much and decided to leave it alone for now. If he really wanted to talk to her, he would at least she hopes he would.

The photoshoot had ended successfully, yet Sun-Hee felt down throughout the entire shoot. Mina had noticed this but because of the busy set decided to save her concerns until everything was done. To say she was disappointed was a bit of an understatement, I mean she couldn't really expect much because it was literally just one date but it was hard for her to find people that she felt comfortable with. Of course, she had many fans that she loved dearly but she had very few people that she truly considered a close friend. She thought if she left it alone it would stop bothering her but the more, she tried to keep busy the more she felt the need to check her phone. It was stupid she knew it was, she felt like an angsty teenager with a crush. She knew that he was probably really busy, I mean he is a grown man with a full-time job and a kid but the irrational part of her brain kept thinking that he just didn't want to see her again and was ghosting her after their last call.

Hearing her phone ring made her anxious as hell, she didn't even try to check the caller ID and answered as naturally as she could. "Hey Little Sunshine just wanted let you know that they changed the venue for the next set of photos for the album-", she sighed dramatically completely zoning out while Hyun-Shik was going through all the details for the next shoot. Meanwhile Mina having figured out what her cousin's sullen mood was for just shook her head and chuckled, she had never experienced Sun-Hee liking someone so she was highly amused.

Mina kept herself busy at the craft services table munching as much as she could while waiting for Sunny to finish her call, she couldn't help the chuckle that escaped when she saw the bored expression on her cousin's face. She definitely couldn't wait to get home she knew she was going to have fun teasing her cousin about Min-Jun.

"I just wanna be happier to melt the cold me

My hands have reached out countless times, colourless echo

Oh this ground feels so heavier, I am singing by myself

I just want to be happier, am I being too greedy "

Blue & Grey - >BTS