The Price of Growth

I was already far away from that old neighborhood. I dragged my luggage along the streets of the city. After walking for a long time, I found a stone bench in a square for me to rest on.

I placed my luggage on the side of the stone bench, lit a cigarette, and sat down. Looking at the flashing neon lights next to the tall building, I felt panic in my heart.

I hurriedly avoided the light and shadow of the city. I looked up at the sky, searching for the "Castle in the Sky" that had already been separated from my body.

I didn't know when, but a group of square dancing aunties holding fans had arrived in the square. The music that sounded instantly drowned me out. I couldn't see the "Castle in the Sky" clearly in my suffocation. Perhaps it had long been hidden behind the moon, or perhaps it had been blown away by the passing wind…

But tonight, I have to find a place to rest in this city.

I took out my phone from my pocket and dialed Robben's number. He lived near the train station, and I happened to be taking the train to Heng Dian tomorrow. I might as well stay with him for the night.

Robben picked up the phone amidst the noise, "Zhao Yang, is there something you need from me?"

"Are you still performing at the bar?"

"Yeah, it's our band's turn soon."

"Oh... Um, I want to stay at your place for a night. Is it convenient?"

Robben smiled and said, "What's inconvenient about that? Come to the bar now. Wait for me to get off work. We'll go back together."

"I'll go directly to your place. I won't go to the bar."

"Come on, I'll treat you to a drink. I still have a few coupons here."

"I'm really not going." I hung up the phone and left the question of why I didn't go for Robben to ponder.

After leaving the square, I took a taxi to Robben's place. Seeing that it was still early, I went to the train station to buy a train ticket from Suzhou to Yiwu tomorrow morning.

...

Robben came back from the bar at around midnight, and I was already asleep in the corridor, leaning against my luggage.

Robben slapped me awake and complained, "Kid, you've changed your personality recently! You're unwilling to go to the bar and rather sleep in the corridor and wait like a fool!"

I just smiled and didn't say anything.

Robben opened the door and asked me, "You moved?"

"Yeah, I haven't found a suitable house for the time being. I have to go on a business trip to Heng Dian tomorrow, so I might as well stay here for the night!"

"Stay for as long as you want!" After saying that, he looked at the luggage on the ground and asked, "Where's your awesome guitar?"

My heart sank. After all, it was a guitar that had accompanied me for many years, but I said to Robben as if nothing had happened, "I take it to pay off the debt!"

Robben widened his eyes and sighed, "How miserable are you! In the past, I tried to borrow it from you a few times, but you didn't lend it to me like it was a treasure. You actually used it to pay off the debt!"

"Don't mention this anymore. Help me move my luggage in."

...

Robben lived in a small attic on the top floor. There was only one narrow room, but there was a rather large balcony at the back of the room. On the balcony, there was a washroom shared by many people and a line to hang clothes. The living environment was not considered good.

Turning on the lights, I saw a few simple leather jackets hanging on the clothes rack. There was a guitar in the corner, a few pairs of Martin boots on the shoe rack, and a few boxes. There were no extra decorations. Other than the beer cans scattered on the table, it was not too messy.

After arranging the luggage, Robben took out two bowls of instant noodles from a box and made one for each of himself and me.

After a short while, the instant noodle bowl that had been finished was placed upside down on the abandoned flower pot under the balcony. There were a few cans of beer beside the two of them and they sat on the railing of the balcony.

We each tore open a can of beer. Robben and I clinked our beer. We raised our heads and instantly downed half a can of beer.

"Zhao Yang, I see that you've been quite depressed recently. What happened to you that you don't even go to the bar anymore?"

"I'm living a carefree life. What can happen to me?" I finished the remaining beer in one gulp as I looked into the distance blankly.

In the distance, the lights on Maxwell's giant billboard were still flashing in the early hours of the night.

Robben didn't ask any more questions and followed my gaze to look into the distance. After a long time, he patted my shoulder as if he felt the same way. We were all people who were struggling on the edge of this city. Some of our pain was the same, so there was actually no need to explain it too clearly.

The wind whistled past us with the coldness of the night. Robben and I were still sitting on the guardrail and looking out. We drank another can of beer.

On a quiet night, people would always think more. Robben seemed to have thought of someone and opened another can of beer. I stopped him. It was not good to drink too much. Yesterday, I almost jumped into the moat because I drank too much.

"You miss a woman?" I asked Robben with a smile.

"Yeah, after drinking a little, I miss her." Robben said straightforwardly.

I knew that Robben once had a girlfriend who loved him deeply. I pushed him and said, "Do you still have a photo of your girlfriend? Take it out and let me take a look."

Robben took out his wallet from his pocket and took out a photo from the pocket and handed it to me. I saw the woman in the photo clearly with the help of the light from afar. She had good facial features and was a very intellectual and elegant woman.

Robben was a little absent-minded. After a long time, he said to me, "We broke up almost three years ago. She should be married by now!"

"Why did you break up?"

Robben smiled sadly, "She was born into a teacher's family. Her parents are both university professors. She's from a scholarly family. I'm a musician and don't have a stable income. I live day by day. I don't want to delay her."

"So you bring her from Beijing to Suzhou?"

Robben nodded and said after a long time, "Actually, she chased me to Suzhou and we lived together for another half a year…"

"Then why did they break up?" I asked in confusion.

"Her parents came to me and said that they had already arranged a job for her at a university in Beijing. They asked me to let her go back to Beijing."

"You little idiot, are you really letting her go?"

Robben nodded, "Yes. I told her I have another woman."

"Will she believe it?"

Robben smiled and said, "She definitely won't believe it…" 

"Then…?"

"I found a young lady, right in this room, in front of her..." Robben didn't continue. He still had a smile on his face, but underneath that smile, I could see a heart that was already dead.

I sighed heavily and said, "Why do you have to do such a thing?"

"If I don't do this, she won't leave. It's better to suffer a short pain than a long one…!" Robben raised his head and drank the beer in the can in one gulp, but a portion of the alcohol flowed down his neck and into his shirt.

I was silent. Even though Robben had said it lightly, I saw a heart-wrenching love in helplessness. I knew that Robben would never forget that woman in his life.

"Don't talk about me. Show me your girlfriend's photo too." Robben said as he nudged me.

I also took out Jian Wei's photo from the pocket of my wallet and handed it to Robben. Actually, neither of us could bear to forget the past because it was too precious!

The light from the other side was already insufficient. Robben lit the lighter and sized up Jian Wei in the photo with the help of the burning flame.

"This girlfriend of yours is beautiful. She's extraordinarily beautiful!"

When I heard the word beautiful, the face of my female tenant suddenly appeared in my mind again, but this didn't surprise me because I had never seen a woman more beautiful than Mi Cai in my life. In just an instant, I returned to reality. Taking advantage of the flame that had yet to extinguish, I looked at Jian Wei's familiar yet unfamiliar face in the photo. Soon, she would marry Xiang Chen.

Robben returned Jian Wei's photo to me and asked, "What about you guys? Why did you guys break up?"

"She called me a year after she went to the United States to break up with me."

"Why did she break up with you?" Robben asked.

"I don't know. She didn't say." I replied with the same smile as Robben.

"You didn't ask?"

I nodded. I really didn't ask why Jian Wei wanted to break up with me because I thought, If Jian Wei wanted to say something, she would tell me without me asking. Perhaps my subconsciousness didn't believe that we could walk to the end and that there would be a day when we will break up.

"Aren't you afraid that there might be some misunderstanding between the two of you?" Robben reminded me.

I said in a daze, "What misunderstanding? Love is just a fleeting thing. Let's not talk about this! Go get the guitar, let's play a song, and forget all that nonsense!"

Robben brought a guitar from the house, tested it, and asked me, "Your key or mine?"

"Whatever."

Robben plucked the guitar strings, and a melody floated in the night sky. It was Li Zongsheng's The Price of Love.

"... Let's go, let's go. People always have to learn to grow up by themselves. Let's go, let's go, it's inevitable to experience pain and struggle in life. Let's go, let's go, find a home for your heart. I have shed tears of sadness and my heart has been broken. This is the price of love. Maybe I still think of her occasionally, and sometimes I can't help but miss her. Just treat her as an old friend. She also makes my heart ache and worries me. It's just that there are no longer any sparks in my heart. Let the past go with the wind…"

The song wafted from our mouths, full of vicissitudes, but I did not understand whether the price of love was only sad tears and sadness. But I knew the price of growth was the love that had already passed away in the flow of time.

In this late night that I should have seen through, I still feel regret for my lost love, regret for Robben and that Beijing girl whose name I don't know!

...

The next morning, I took the train to Yiwu. After arriving in Yiwu, I had to transfer to Heng Dian. I knew what I should do for myself. If Le Yao could agree to come back and help Gucci shoot the poster, my career would usher in the first progress in my life.

After being promoted to the Head of the Planning and Copywriting team, my monthly salary will also exceed ten thousand yuan. Perhaps my life will be stable.

Sitting on the train heading south, I said to myself for the first time, "Work hard, Zhao Yang! Don't let anyone look down on you again!"