It's Better This Way

𝑶𝒄𝒕𝒐𝒃𝒆𝒓 28, 1995

𝑹𝒐𝒔𝒆

The day of the party came fast, and my dorm mates were thrilled about it. Of course, Hecate didn't bother with such antics that will only leave you with a massive headache the next day. Either way, I don't plan on drinking so much I'm hammered.

First of all, I've never even tried alcohol. So there is nothing to worry about, I won't drink. But the things I'm not liking are the clothes I'm wearing.

Gwen 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒𝑑 me into being a cat, and she didn't inform me it would be a sexy cat. Cats are not supposed to look like this. They're cute and small, friendly and sometimes fluffy.

I should not be wearing leather pants.

But Gwen drags us out of the dorm, I give a glance to Hecate on her bed, reading. And that's when I wish that was me, reading, doing nothing, and sleeping. At the last minute, I decide to back out and all excuses run laps in my mind.

What would be convincing? 𝐼 𝑑𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝑑. Or 𝐼'𝑚 𝑠𝑜𝑟𝑟𝑦, 𝐼 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑔𝑜𝑡 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒 ℎ𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑘 𝐼 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑑𝑜. In reality, I feel great. In reality, I've caught up on everything I've been given.

Nothing will work, it didn't matter since we reached the Slytherin Common Room in record time-

Wait, we're at the 𝑆𝑙𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑛 Common Room. I look everywhere for the door, trying not to believe Gwen, Hannah, or Susan. They couldn't have said we reached the Common Room, there is no door. It's dark, the creepy feeling licking my spine and sending shivers throughout my body.

God, I hate Halloween. Why did I agree in the first place? I hate the eerie feeling, I hate the darkness and horror. The people who wear costumes of 𝑐𝑙𝑜𝑤𝑛𝑠 or 𝑧𝑜𝑚𝑏𝑖𝑒𝑠 scare the shit out of me.

It's not only that, the feeling on Halloween day, the feeling that something 𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑟𝑖𝑏𝑙𝑒 happened to us.

A snake that had decorated the wall suddenly moved. From the bottom of the wall, it went up fast, revealing a door as it ascended and the snake stayed up, going in slow motion to show its hissing tongue and turn to stone once again.

I was mesmerized. And then I was pulled into the opened door, the music pounding in my ears and basically pouring into my veins. The wave of people hit me like a trainwreck, all the costumes make my heart leap out of my chest.

The lighting, flashing lights, the dancing, the music, it was too much.

I grip Hannah's sleeve, and she looked over at me confused. Then I realize that no one knows of my fear, I don't talk to anyone about myself. That's why I've heard whispers of being called: closed-off, mysterious, and shy.

They're right, I don't talk about what has happened to me, not even to Harry. And it makes me feel so fucking alone. So useless and pathetic.

I look at my friends, Gwen is gone and in the center of the Common Room, dancing with the crowd. She has no fear, she's like a free spirit that adds to her beautiful looks. Her long blond hair has streaks of colored string, mostly pink, and her leopard-printed costume of many colors has her stand out. Her heels are ridiculous, and her pink nails are coated with glitter.

I wish for a spirit like hers.

Hannah shoves a drink in my hand, pulling me out of my trance of Gwen, her hips still swaying. I look at Hannah, she smiles and I force one back.

𝐺𝑢𝑒𝑠𝑠 𝐼 am 𝑑𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡𝑜𝑛𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡.

I take a sip, the smell already burning my nose, and it burns my throat even more. My eyes widened after I bring down the cup from my lips, a drop trickling down my chin and I wipe it off. God, why do people like this?

It left my throat warm, too warm and it almost closed up. But I start to feel hypocritical, I want to feel it again.

So I do, again and again until I start to lose my footing. I could still feel the world around me but it was fuzzy, I know what I'm thinking, I know right from wrong but the words that come out of my mouth are impulsive.

And being in the Slytherin Common Room has my body heating up, and has me thinking of that albino boy. I also think I know his name, but the fear of having it wrong has me never asking someone to confirm.

So I've been calling him by his potential name, and it suits him. Suits him too well. Ha, suit, a black suit with a nice formed body, into the works of being amazingly built. Loose hair, hair I've never seen in curls but it's beautiful. A face painted in black and white, his grey eyes a new color I'd stare at every day.

Shit, it's him. I'm staring at him, and he stands with his friends. A drink in hand, gloves adorning him and I felt a tingle. I want to see his hands.

Hands that forced me to stay in that alley behind the clinic. And his forearm around my neck, hard enough to tell me not to move but loose enough to let me breathe. His chest against my back, so warm but dangerous. His mouth was beside my cheek, whispering threats.

Suddenly the alcohol pushed away my fear of asking someone who he is.

"Who's that?" I asked. My fear trickled away slowly because of my curiosity, and Hannah raised a brow at my question.

"You don't know who that is?" She laughed. "I'm surprised you didn't find out on day one." I look at her and wait. "Um, that's Draco Malfoy. He dresses up this way every Halloween so it's easy to pick him out of the crowd."

"And because of his hair—it's so..."

"Blond?"

"Vibrant," I say.

He looked at me, stared at 𝑎𝑙𝑙 of me and my breath hitched. So I was right, his name is Malfoy.

❀𓆙❀

I'm walking the corridors, alone. I needed to leave, I needed the alcohol out of my system because I don't want to ask more impulsive questions. But the dark halls have me trembling and biting my lip, stopping me from crying like a baby.

These are times I hate myself.

Footsteps, I hear 𝑓𝑜𝑜𝑡𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑝𝑠 and I jump. I don't even look back, I start walking faster. Very stupid on my end but I will not turn around to see my death.

Scenarios of my murder play in my head, and the thought I had back in the Great Hall resurfaced. If I die, will they know? Of course, Harry will know, he has to. The person I love most in the world, and the person he loves most, me, he'd never forget.

Just like he said a few days ago: 𝐼 𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝑜𝑓 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦 𝑑𝑎𝑦 𝐼 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑖𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑐𝑎𝑠𝑡𝑙𝑒.

I'm fine-

Someone grabs me, a chilling familiarity runs through my body because their hands are big and feel warm. Just like Malfoy, and as much as I wanted to forget, I remember his hands on me all too well.

I'm forced to turn, I trip over my feet, and quickly catching myself did not return to my brain. The funny feeling of alcohol still circles me, refusing me a mind that helps me see straight. But I'm caught.

I'm too close to a chest, cologne I haven't smelled in days infested my nose, making my insides twist. I hate that I love cologne. I hate that I love the smell of him.

I look up, and Malfoy stood right in front of me. He looked down at me differently, maybe a bit nervous and it confused me as to why someone like him would feel this way in front of me. I give no reason for nervousness.

He put space between us, and at first, I didn't like it, until I remember what a prick he is.

"Malfoy," I greet him, and he tensed.

The last we spoke, or rather I spoke to him, I told him to go to Hell. It was fitting since he said the next time he saw me, he would make my life a living Hell. Maybe I should make his life Hell instead.

"Rose," he breathed. My brain exploded, but then it got pulverized for his next words. "I don't care that you don't understand what I'll say but I've been 𝑑𝑦𝑖𝑛𝑔. I can't 𝑛𝑜𝑡 tell you,"

His breath reeked of alcohol, it all made sense. He'll regret this in the morning so I tell him to leave me alone. And I walk away but he does the same as last time, he put his chest to my back, making me gasp. And this time it's as if it's a hug, he doesn't use his forearm to choke me. The hug is solely to keep me still, and suddenly his mouth was next to my cheek.

"What-"

"You made me stop hating the world, and I hated you for that. Because every time you smiled my world got brighter, 𝐼 got lighter. And now you won't smile at me. I can't stop hurting even though you're back because you don't remember... You don't remember me?" he asked, but he knew the answer. We both knew I don't remember. "I hate the world again, I hate it for giving me a star and then taking it away. It's why I can't bother with you anymore. It's better this way."

He stepped back, his warmth lingering and leaving my back cold. I heard his footsteps soften until he was gone but I couldn't turn around. I can't breathe. With every second his chest was no longer on my back my mind screamed: 𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑛 𝑎𝑟𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑!

And now I do, but he's gone.

I stare off into the distance, not knowing how to move after this one-sided conversation. My heart wouldn't stop pounding nor would my mind stop repeating his words.

It's all my world seems to revolve around right 𝑛𝑜𝑤—his words. His voice... It sounded so heartbroken, so filled with hurt that I felt bad for him. And I wanted to see him again.

An unknown part of me wanted to comfort him, it was like I'm a magnet being drawn to him and wishing he never had to sound like that. It got me scared to be thinking this. I know nothing of Malfoy and yet my eyes begin to burn.

It takes all my strength to not let the tears fall, and when I composed myself I walked to my Common Room. I paid no attention to the after-effects of the passed-out people who went to the party, they didn't even make it to their bed.

But 𝐼 do. I rid myself of the ridiculous clothes and go to bed. The comfort and warmth of my bed are supposed to lull me to sleep, I should feel drowsy. I shouldn't keep recalling his words.

My traitorous mind won't stop.

𝐵𝑒𝑐𝑎𝑢𝑠𝑒 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑠𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑒𝑑 𝑚𝑦 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑙𝑑 𝑔𝑜𝑡 𝑏𝑟𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡𝑒𝑟.

That was the sweetest thing I've been told in my life, and I'm selfish because I want him to say this again a hundred more times.

𝐴𝑛𝑑 𝑛𝑜𝑤 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑤𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝑠𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑒 𝑎𝑡 𝑚𝑒. 𝐼 𝑐𝑎𝑛'𝑡 𝑠𝑡𝑜𝑝 ℎ𝑢𝑟𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ 𝑦𝑜𝑢'𝑟𝑒 𝑏𝑎𝑐𝑘 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑎𝑢𝑠𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑑𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝑟𝑒𝑚𝑒𝑚𝑏𝑒𝑟...

Helga...please tell me this was a drunken mistake.

"P-please," I whisper, and like always, no matter how much I hate this or how much I don't 𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑑, I cry myself to sleep.

❀𓆙❀

That was ridiculous. I was embarrassed by last night, literal hate simmered in me. I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at him—mad at everything. Who the hell does he think he is spitting lies left and right? Who does he think he is manipulating my feelings like this?

Did he want a good laugh out of this, watching me become flustered by his words? I don't care if he was drunk or thought I was someone else because I haven't been the same since.

Being attention-starved and affection-starved has my body yearning to go back in time and listen to him again, to feel him again. To try and make sure he never has to feel his heart break.

But I can't do that and I lock up the yearning, I make sure to never feel it again.

So as the day goes by I stay in my dorm, itching to go and hang out with Harry but I don't know whether he is busy. Would it be fine to risk it and go find him? Of course, it's fine, the worst that can happen is he says he's busy.

I don't second guess and jump out of bed and bid goodbye to my dorm mates, I smile at them and now that I forget Malfoy, my day seems better. Pushing away the twisted feelings stops the lurching in my stomach and the hurting subsides.

When I'm rushing down the corridors a familiar person walks by me but suddenly she stops me.

"Hey Rose?" she says, and I look at her.

"Yeah?"

"Umbridge is looking for you."

My blood ran cold. After finding out about the horrible punishments she gives out to students who don't follow the rules, I've become terrified of her. Is it even allowed? She definitely doesn't care and it makes my hands clammy.

I didn't know what else to do but nod and walk away, hoping that the way to the Gryffindor Common Room is clear of her. I pray to God she doesn't find me because the day she asked me to go talk to her when all classes were over, I didn't go. I had forgotten and I thought nothing of it, until now.

All scenarios run through my mind but I get caught up in my own thoughts. I don't realize I'm almost to Gryffindor Tower and I didn't walk faster. If I did, a wall would've hidden me.

Hidden me from her.

"Ah, Miss Potter. I figured you'd come this way," she said, her hands elegantly clasped together.

She was the devil in disguise. Umbridge wore the same ugly bright pink with a tiny hat on her head like always. She stood straight with a posture that said she was irritated even though she is smiling. It was an evil smile for sure, it made me want the world to open and swallow me whole.

But nothing could save me now that she knows I saw her. And when she turns to walk away, not looking back because she knows I'll follow, my heart dropped. She knows I have no choice so it's what I do, the portrait with the fat lady so far away now.

I've never gone to her office, and I've never been in anyone's because I never caused trouble. And my streak shouldn't have ended because of 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠. Defending werewolves was not what I planned but I couldn't help it.

Ever since Harry told me everything, and I mean saying he has a damn godfather that he didn't know about until third year. But then he told me about Lupin and what happened, and he told me that I also have a godfather. We have a family. 𝐴𝑐𝑡𝑢𝑎𝑙 family.

We aren't alone in this world.

So when she started badmouthing werewolves and how they're dangerous, I remembered the story Harry told me. Yes, they almost died but it wasn't Lupin's fault. It's out of his control. So I defended my godfather's species.

And now I'm here, sitting in a pink chair in a pink office. Everything was pink, it even smelled like it, and I hated it.

When she circled my chair to stand in front of me I stopped breathing. I didn't know what else to do but look up and hope she doesn't do anything bad. But what's the worst thing she can do that hasn't already been done to me? I'm safe, right?

And I think I am when she sets a paper and quill in front of me.