Rhea’s Fear

The moment I stepped outside of Kyah's room, I came face to face with this intimidating woman in black. Her eyes were piercing and she caused a shiver to run down my spine. Who the hell were these people that Kyah had gotten herself caught up with?

Celeste was crazy enough but it looked like she also had some pretty terrifying backup. I think what Leinani said must be true. Her family was not one to mess with.

I glanced left and then right. The hallway was filled with young girls, with the closest standing 7-meters away. They all had the same curious looks on their faces. When they saw me, they started whispering loudly.

I was incredibly grateful for Kyah's foresight. Had I walked out without my face covered, I would likely end up on someone's Instagram within 5-seconds. They might think that I'm some weirdo. But at least I'll be an unknown weirdo.

I could live with that.

I knew the scary guard wanted to ask me who I was, but seeing as I just left Kyah's room, proving I was there first, she didn't ask anything.

I slowly made my way through the throng of gossiping teens until I was safely at the stairwell. I could've taken the elevator. But I didn't want to stand there waiting for it while all of the girls stared at me and judged me. Don't get me wrong. I was sure they were judging me. I just didn't want to witness it firsthand.

The night air was cool on my skin. After removing the hood, when the first sweet breath of the cool breeze hit my skin, I felt refreshed.

I glanced up at a room on the fifth floor. The blinds were closed but the light was on.

"I wonder what they're talking about."

Despite Celeste's glaring personality issues, she was actually quite attractive. What if Kyah and she are seeing each other?

That would make sense. I mean, she was calling her Goddess. But something about the way she said it and the almost fanatical light in her eyes as she looked at Kyah made me think that there was something else going on.

"I'm being stupid. I can trust Kyah."

❬Then why is she hiding things from you?❭

I shook my head fiercely. It was that pesky voice in the back of my head again. Ever since I was a kid, I'd hear it speaking to me—telling me to do things that I knew I shouldn't do. Saying thoughts that I didn't want to have. Making me feel bad about myself when I was already down.

I guess this was part of the reason why I tried so hard to stay cheery. When I was down, that voice would always make me feel worse. It was uncompromising and always dark.

I called it my Dark Self.

Like always, I worked hard to ignore it.

…

And like always, its words came back to me over and over again.

Was Kyah hiding things?

Let me think about this. When we first met, it was love at first sight for me. I'd never felt that way about anyone before. Granted, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. But what I felt for Kyah was different. It was so immediate. It was so consuming. It was like I'd been waiting for her my entire life.

But when we're together, sometimes I get the feeling that she is someplace else. I guess the better way to describe it is to say that she seems on a different level, which becomes more pronounced when we're together.

"It's a half-moon. Huh? It's pretty." The sky was empty except for the moon. There were stars but they paled in comparison to the brightness of the moon. How long have I been here? It feels like I've been a guest at this school for months. But it has only been a few weeks.

"Just 4 more days."

On Friday, the girls and I were leaving. We were only here to get introduced to the faculty and get a feel for the campus. After that, our accommodations won't be available until the middle of summer. But by then, Kyah will have graduated.

I know it's taboo for a teacher to date a student. And if she were a junior or if by some miracle she failed this year…wait. Pretend that I didn't just call her failing a miracle. Kay?

Anyway, if she was a student while I was acting as a professor, then would I still see her in the same way? I felt like that answer would be a yes. Now that I've been with her, I don't think I could easily go back to not being with her.

That is one reason why I'm dreading leaving on Friday.

"I don't want to go." My feet trudged along the ground headed back towards my dorm.

What were all those things Kyah was trying to tell me? I was very clear about the fact that I'm in love with her. But she seemed like she was hesitating about something. Additionally, I really put myself out there when I told her that I'd leave all of this behind for her. If anything, her response was lukewarm. Does she not want to be with me?

❬She's probably fucking someone else. She's hot enough for it. Right?❭

There's that pesky Dark Self again.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

But…I have to admit that she's (I consider my Dark Self a girl. I mean, I'm a girl, too. So…) hot enough to have anyone that she wants. Why would she choose someone like me unless she was just using me?

She probably thinks that I'm an easy target because I practically throw myself at her every time we're together. I should probably pretend like I don't want it as bad as I do the next time that we're together.

That's going to be hard though. Especially if she whips out that dildo. Man! Just thinking about that thing brings out the freak in me.

❬…Sigh…❭

Did my Dark Self just sigh at me? What gives you the right?! You stuck up prick!

Whoa! Calm down, Rhea. You're arguing with a figment of your imagination.

I looked around, self-conscious that someone could overhear my mental self-abuse. Fortunately, no one seemed to be an esper.

I picked up the pace and headed back to the dorm.

Still, I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to see her again after she graduated. That feeling didn't sit well with me at all.

Perhaps I could sew a GPS tracker in this hoodie. Then when I give it back to her, I'll know exactly where she is at all times.

Mwahaha!

Yeah. I'm not going to do that. Even for me, that sounds crazy.

I suppose the only thing that I can really do is try to talk with her again. I'll head over there first thing in the morning. But what if Celeste is still there?

What if she's naked?

What if she spent the night with Kyah and they had sex?

What if Kyah leaves me for her because Celeste is prettier and richer than me?

The only thing that I had on Celeste was that I wasn't a complete sociopath. But they say that the crazy ones make the best lays. If that's the case then Celeste must fuck like a pornstar!

I was feeling worse about myself. I couldn't hold back these feelings of unease inside of me. I really wanted to push these feelings of doubt aside in much the same way that I did with Greg and the other guys I've dated in the past. But, for some reason, I couldn't. I couldn't release these feelings of doubt, desire, fear, pain, anger, and self-loathing. I felt self-conscious about things that I'd never felt self-conscious about before.

I didn't like these feelings. I'd rather go back to being blinded by love. Why couldn't I do that with Kyah? Why was I so insecure?

Was it because I already knew that I'd lose her? Was it because I knew that our time was limited, so I was fighting to spend even one more moment with her? Was it because I knew that her future was brighter than mine and that eventually, even if I followed her on my hands and knees, she'd go far away from me?

It was probably all of these things and a few other things that I haven't considered.

"I'm so lost. What do I do? I want to trust her. But I feel like I can't." Is this what people call baggage? Have I been hurt and betrayed so much that I can't fully trust another person again? Am I broken now?

I looked down at my chest. I didn't feel broken. I didn't look broken. Was I broken?

No. I was scared. I was scared of losing her and now I was overthinking just to justify my feelings.

I'd finally made it to my dormitory. The pristine building looked somewhat muted. I know that it was all in my head. The chandelier wasn't as bright and the flowers along the edges didn't look as lively.

The elevator moved with a slow whirl as I rode it up to my floor.

When I exited, I somehow made it to my room. But I don't remember my feet moving.

I opened the door. The living area was empty. I took off my shoes and went and sat on the sofa. I curled up, pulling my knees to my chest. I looked out of the window in the direction of Kyah's dorm and got lost in my thoughts.

I don't know how much time passed.

"Rhea?"

I turned towards the voice. Standing in a dark shadow in the shorts and camisole she wore to bed was Leinani.

When I saw her, all of the feelings that I'd been struggling with came pouring out of me in the form of tears.

"Lei! I'm so scared!"

When she saw me breaking down, she rushed towards me and held me as I shed an ocean of tears.

I don't know how long the tears lasted. Minutes. Hours. I'm not sure. All that I knew was that, at that moment, I really needed a friend.

I was glad Leinani was there.