Struggling To Process

Vivian couldn't shake the feeling that last night had just been a horrible nightmare.

When she woke up that morning it had been almost painful to pull herself out of the bed. She was convinced that the only reason she fully made it to a standing position was because Renard had helped her every step of the way. Usually she got up before him and left to get started on her day, but today there wasn't nearly as much spring to her step. Renard had hugged her, kissed her, but she still felt like she was walking in a dream. A terrible dream.

Even now as she lay in the grass in the garden listening to the children squealing in delight as they played, she still didn't feel like all of this was quite real. Usually when they were preoccupied with their own things, Vivian would work on her sewing, but whenever her eyes turned to her bag a tightness formed in her chest. What she'd been working on for the past week, and what she was almost done with, was the sexy nightgown for Kyrie. In light of this new information though, could she really finish it?

Glancing up at the kids to make sure they were fine and also thoroughly distracted, Vivian reached into the bag with an shaky hand before pulling out the aqua dress piece that she'd been making. For a moment, an intense desire to tear the whole thing in two coursed through her, but it was quick to be replaced by the urge to cry.

Tightly clenching the smooth material in her fingers, she brought it up to her face mostly to cover the expression that she was making. She could feel the tears welling up again and so she was bringing something she'd spent a lot of time on up to her face to encourage her not to cry. It would make the whole thing dirty if she was to cry on it, and then she'd have to wash it first. Well... If she even wanted to give it to Kyrie.

She could just... Make it for herself instead. It'd need some adjustments, but she could make it fit her own body just fine. But... but she'd come up with the design for Kyrie, specifically for Kyrie and Isaac; it just wouldn't feel right if she was to put it on herself after all the thought she'd put into it for her friend. She didn't even think it would look as good on her if she was to put it on: this was truly a Kyrie design through and through.

Why... Why did Kyrie and Renard have to have sex with each other?

It wasn't even a stretch to think that once Renard convinced Kyrie to do it once, it would be a lot easier for him to continue the trend. It would've been hard for him to find the time to approach her initially, but after breaking down Kyrie's high walls it would be easy every time after that. The walls were broken, after all, there wasn't nearly as much resistance after the initial siege. Theoretically they could even be having sex right now, at this very moment. Her shoulders shook at the mere thought of that, but before she could fully start wallowing again, a voice broke into her thoughts.

"What's that?"

Vivian tensed from the voice that she heard, and she struggled to compose her features. She didn't want the children to see her upset and down, it just wouldn't do at all. Still, even the thought of telling them what it was that was in her hand made her throat clench in pain. She could always lie to them about what it was, they didn't need to know that it was something for Kyrie: after all, how would they even know better? Yet... The thought of saying it was something else felt like it would hurt even more.

Moving the soft fabric away from her eyes, she was greeted by Raine staring down at her. A brief look around told her that her only company was Raine: Markus was playing with Breida a little ways away, neither one being at all interested in the fabric that Vivian was working on. If only Raine took more after her mother in the sense that the master of the house didn't care even a little about the nuances of her appearance, and consequently clothes held very little interest to her. She did the bare minimum needed for her status and that was about it. Clothes and accessories were something that made her daughter's eyes glisten with interest though, and who was Vivian to stifle an interest that she herself shared? Turning her eyes back to Raine, Vivian did her best to give the girl a smile.

"This is something that I'm working on for... for Kyrie."

"Ooo can I see?"

Her eyes seem to sparkle, but Vivian felt like showing a six-year-old sexy lingerie would be crossing a line that she really didn't want to cross.

"I'm sorry, Raine, but I want this to be a real surprise for Kyrie when she sees it, so I'd prefer if you didn't."

A mighty pout presented itself on the little girl's face, but Vivian knew exactly how to combat that. Sitting up now and smoothly putting the lingerie back into the bag, Vivian turned her attention towards the girl next to her. Reaching out, she mercilessly tickled at Raine's stomach and neck, promptly causing her to giggle as she squirmed to get away from Vivian. She tried to voice her protest through the laughter, and Vivian's own expression softened as she pulled Raine in for a hug.

"A smile looks so much better on your face than a pout."

Raine happily returned the hug that Vivian gave her, and before she could bring the dress up again Vivian directed her attention towards Markus and Breida.

"Now what is that they're doing? It looks like they're searching for buried treasure and you're going to miss out on all the glory!"

The little girl's eyes went wide as she saw them digging up patches of earth, and she promptly darted back over to them so that she wasn't going to miss out on anything. As she ran off, Vivian raised her voice a little so that she could be heard by all three.

"Be very careful to keep away from the plants! Renard would be so upset if he had to redo things!"

In all likelihood he probably wouldn't, but Vivian felt it was better to try and mitigate the damage done by the children. Vivian sat and watched them for a couple moments to make sure they had listened to her instruction and she couldn't help a soft smile as she looked upon them. Dealing with them was helping her to combat the utter despair that she felt, but now that she was left on her own again she fell back into the grass.

Sure enough, her eyes slowly turned back towards her sewing bag, and as they settled on Kyrie's nightgown again there was a thought slowly rising in her brain: the only thing the nightgown still needed were the straps for the arms.

She'd spent so long working on Kyrie's lingerie: there had been the time spent brainstorming what would look best on Kyrie, there was getting Kyrie's measurements, and there was the actual making of the clothing as well. Vivian was still slow with it, and she kept making mistakes, but she'd kept at it anyway. She could say that she'd spent so long on it because it was an outlet for her hobby, and while that was partly the case, the bigger reason was that she had actually wanted to make something for Kyrie. Kyrie had been such a good friend to her for so long that Vivian had legitimately wanted to do something to effectively pay her back, to make Kyrie feel as good about their relationship as she did.

But now she knew that Kyrie had slept with Renard.

Suddenly it felt like everything Kyrie had ever done was put into question, but at the same time, Vivian vividly remembered how upset Kyrie was yesterday night before Renard broke the news to her. If she'd solely had her own interests at heart from the very beginning it wouldn't have bothered her nearly as much that Renard was going to tell Vivian. It might be upsetting, sure, but not cry her eyes out for hours upsetting.

Closing her eyes now, Vivian thought back to when she'd gotten Kyrie to draw the two of them. Kyrie had left early, and while before Vivian had thought that it was because it had made her miss Isaac, she couldn't help but wonder now if Kyrie had left because she'd wanted Renard. When Vivian had gotten the pictures a few days later from her though, Kyrie had explicitly said that looking at the pictures made her miss Isaac and somehow Vivian believed her. Something about Kyrie's demeanor for that whole meeting had read discomfort more than guilt, so Vivian was inclined to think that it truly was a desire for Isaac that had made her walk away… Even if it was the former though, the fact that she'd left showed a whole lot of respect for Vivian. Instead of acting or succumbing to whatever desires she had felt at that moment, she'd removed herself from the stimulus entirely.

Kyrie... Why did it have to be Kyrie?

Once again blinking back her tears, Vivian reached out for the nightgown. Keeping it in the bag for now, she smoothed it a bit so that she could see the top where she still needed to attach the straps. Kyrie still cared about her, and she still cared about Kyrie, but... what about the fact that Kyrie had had sex with Renard? What was Vivian going to do about that? Could she really just go back to interacting with Kyrie as comfortably as she had been knowing that she'd also moved in on Renard?

… Was it really such a bad thing for him to have sex with other women anyway? Vivian still couldn't bring herself to want to see or look at it, but really, every time she wanted to interact with Renard he was perfectly available. Out of all the years she'd known him, she had never once stumbled upon him romancing someone else: he'd always been careful to keep his interactions with other women perfectly private. In effect, Renard sleeping with other women had never once interfered with her own relationship with him, despite all of her fears and worries to the contrary. He was open about the fact that he had relationships with other women, but the details of those relationships he was relatively tight-lipped about. Well, unless someone asked about them, anyway.

Vivian certainly wasn't the type to ask.

Still, she did find herself wondering: if the sex that Kyrie had drawn of them was something that made her miss Isaac, just what were her usual encounters with Renard like? Renard had said that he'd had sex with Kyrie because she suppressed her curiosity, but what did that even mean for their encounters together? Surely they had to look radically different from her own interactions with him if Kyrie hadn't even been reminded of it through watching them.

Could she really believe that Kyrie wasn't competing for Renard's affections like she was? Would she really be able to accept the fact that Kyrie slept with Renard as long as she never had to see it? If she did accept it, then what about Dessi? There shouldn't be any lingering resentment there either if she was able to accept the fact that Kyrie slept with Renard. Yet it was just... So hard to push down the jealousy and bitterness in her heart.

As Vivian continued to stare at the nightgown, the hair on the back of her neck prickled a bit when she thought about how Kyrie might wear it for Renard as well as Isaac. That was just wrong in Vivian's mind: she couldn't quite describe it, but having the same outfit for both men just felt like it would cheapen the piece somehow. … Would Kyrie feel the same way? If she did, would that help to alleviate Vivian's discomfort with this whole thing at least a little?

Picking up the nightgown again after making sure that the children were still digging away, Vivian fished in the bag for the straps and her sewing supplies. The only way she would find out how she truly felt about any of this was to finish this and confront Kyrie about it. If the encounter didn't go well then she could tear up the nightgown, but until then, it seemed like a waste not to finish it. A waste of both her time and her affections.

Each of these last stitches that Vivian made carried with it a new wave of hurt and uncertainty, but somehow she still wanted to do this. She wanted to know why Kyrie did what she did, what she intended to do in the future, and... And how she really felt about both Vivian and Renard. There was so much she wanted to ask Kyrie, but at the same time she was afraid.

Even now, after finding out that Kyrie had betrayed her at such a deep level, she couldn't bring herself to want to lose the younger girl's friendship. They had both been... so happy.

Blinking back more tears as they rose to her eyes, she vigorously shook her head before turning all of her focus to the soft material in her hands. They still could be happy: if Kyrie really did still care about Vivian's friendship, then perhaps an understanding could be gotten to about all of this.

Vivian had to believe that, otherwise the encroaching darkness might start to take over her life again.