Chapter 7

June 2013

I was on my way home with giddy steps. My new teacher praised my ability to construct sentences and gave me five stars on my essay! I couldn't wait any longer to show this to Mama so I walked faster.

When I got home, she wasn't there yet. Ate Stella said that she went to fetch Toni on her school.

"Why?" I asked our helper.

"Why what?" she replied.

"Why would she fetch Toni? She never fetched me before."

"You can go to school on your own back then, while your sister can't", she answered just as Mama and Toni arrived. I immediately stood up to welcome her and show her my stars.

"Stella, look, Toni got four stars on writing!" Mama exclaimed with excitement as soon as she entered the door with Toni.

Before I could boast that I also got stars and it was five, Ate Stella uttered, "Really, Ate? Let me see!"

They peered at Toni's paper where her name was probably the only thing written on it, while in mine was an essay about global warming. I also got one star more than her.

I haven't gotten any chance to talk as they now spoke about how brilliant Toni was on counting one to twenty. I could count until one hundred but they never talked about it.

"Ate, play?" Toni asked me. I didn't noticed her approaching. I forced a smile and said, "Ate is tired, and you should wash first. You stink."

"No, I don't!" she denied and pouted. I smiled, now genuinely, with her cuteness.

~

"What?!" I asked, shock and disbelief were laced in my voice.

"I want to court you", James repeated.

I just stared at him wide-eyed, having a hard time processing what I just heard. Or maybe I misheard it?

Seeming to have read what what was on my mind, he reassured, "Tati, I'm serious. I want to court you."

I examined his face, looking for a hint of insincerity. There seemed to be none for all I could see was his mesmerizing eyes, looking intently at me. His gaze captured mine and sang a sweet melody of silent yet heavy words. The rhythm of my heart amplified, synchronizing with his muted song.

When I thought I would be forever lost in the depth of his eyes, the darkest corner of my mind whispered, "No!"

He blinked, still not over with what happened, then upon realizing what I just said, he asked with so much confusion, "Why?"

I stared at him with incredulity, having been able to regain some sense that has left me after his declaration.

"Why!?" I scoffed, "Why would you even want to court—"

"Because I like you!" he confessed. I felt my heart hammered again but unlike earlier, I ignored it.

"What!?" I asked, my voice an octave higher, "You can't be serious!"

"I am! Really, I am!" he said as he stood up.

I just stared at nothing in particular and scoffed in disbelief. I felt like crying and laughing at the same time.

"Do I look like I'm lying?" he scowled.

I gaped at him as he started to pace around like a mad man. Then appearing to have lost my mind, I did laughed and he turned to me looking much more confused than earlier.

"Why are you laughing?" he asked me, his voice muffled by my laughter, "I just confessed that I like you and you're gonna laugh?"

I couldn't reply to what he said as my laughter was getting the best of me. Oh goodness.

"You do know that I feel so embarrassed right now, don't you?" he said and when I looked at him, I laughed even more seeing that he was flushed, "Tati, I'm really serious here."

I looked at him again and he was indeed serious. I tried to cease my laughter, also attempting to process what has transpired in the last few minutes as fast as my fazed mind could. I ignored the fact that he was still looking at me with confusion and something I wouldn't dare to name, and let his words really sink in my head. This just didn't make any sense to me!

What had gotten into him? How could he like me? When did it happen? Where did it happen? Why did it happen? Was he just bored?

I had so many questions in my head but all I could ask was, "Why?"

"Why what?" he replied, still confused.

"Why do you like me?"

"Why wouldn't I like you?!" he retaliated and I looked at him with daggers in my eyes.

"If you're gonna be like that then get out of my sight." I snapped. He sighed and uttered, "I just...I just like you. I don't know."

"See? You don't even know!"

"Well, I don't think there should really be a reason to like someone."

"Well, I think you might be just confused", I retorted and placed my sandwich, which I have been holding the entire time, back on the container. I had lost my appetite.

"No, I am not", he contradicted, "I have been thinking about this for a few days now."

That sparked my curiosity, "days?"

"Yes. Days!" he exclaimed, "I honestly don't know how it started. One day, I accidentally glanced at you and just saw you frowning at your paper, then the other day, I suddenly found myself drawn to you. I found myself thinking of what might've been on that paper that caused a frown on your beautiful face. And ever since then, I've been gravitating towards you uncontrollably. I also thought that I might be just confused that's why I let myself be pulled by your force. I was trying to find out if I really feel something for you and hell, I feel thousands of things whenever I'm with you!"

He was breathing loudly as he finished his speech and I was so stunned that I couldn't speak. My mind was saying no but my heart was encouraging me to go. They were both racing and before I could know who won, James interrupted.

"I do like you, Tati. I'm sure of it. I could even say that I already love—"

That ruined it.

"—No!" I boomed.

"What? Why?" he asked weakly, his confusion apparent than ever.

I examined him. He looked very manly in his casual buttom-down shirt and denim jeans. His hair was fixed with style and his presence perfumed the whole place with something cool and aquatic.

I scoffed when I realized that he prepared for this. Then, he must also be prepared for a rejection.

"Because I don't like you", I said with less honesty than I cared to admit.

He was tight-lipped as he studied me, his confusion seemed to be on its highest level as of the moment. He was having a hard time trying to process my rejection as much as I had a hard time processing his confession.

Looking at him like this, I realized that he must've thought that he could get me easily. That I would say yes even before he could confess. Did he think of me that easy? That low?

I would admit that I was indeed low on other things. My self-esteem? My emotional and mental state? My confidence? They were all on their lowest ever since only Him knew. But my pride and my unsettling past? Hell, they were higher than the Mount Everest itself.

"I can change that", he murmured, snapping me back to reality.

"What?" I asked as he straightened, looking quite determined.

"I can change that", he uttered with confidence. I frowned. Wasn't he confused just now?

"Change what?"

"What you feel", he replied and my frown got deeper.

"Tati, I do like you. Much more than you and I can ever imagine, really", he stated, "How, where, or when it started, I don't exactly know but I know that what I feel for you is true. And even if I don't feel love for you yet and even if you really don't like me at all, I will still pursue you. That's where it all starts anyway."

I opened my mouth to interject but he quickly added, "And no, I will not hear any of what you'll say now. I will let you have time to think about it, and if you decided that you really don't want this, just give me a reasonable reason and I'll stop even without starting."

"What exactly does reasonable mean?" I demanded.

He shrugged and said, "Something that won't really stop me from pursuing you."

I stared at him incredulously while he just smiled widely at me and said, "Well then, I'll go now."

He started to leave but stopped before he could even walk two steps forward, and looked at me again, "Please eat. I also don't appreciate it when one neglects something as important as eating because she is just stunned by me", he said playfully before he continued to walk away, leaving me gawking.

•••

I had no idea how long I had been staring at the ceiling here in my room. I felt exhausted but sleep and mostly the thought of James was not cooperating with me.

The guy did gave me time to think. He didn't make any advances after our talk. He even acted like nothing happened which made me question whether that talk actually happened. But as soon as I got home, I received a message from him that said, "I'll be waiting for your decision but please don't take your time. Goodnight, Tati."

And since then, I had lost my mobility. I hadn't even eaten dinner or showered or changed my clothes yet! I groaned in frustration while waggling my hands and feet.

After some time, I forced myself to move and take care of my well-being. I couldn't afford to be sick at the moment because...well, I had a lot of things to do. I hadn't even taught the dance to anyone yet! Oh goodness.

I went to the bathroom where I immediately found someone looking at me at the opposite side of the door. I walked closer to the mirror as I studied my reflection, I noticed circles of sleepless nights hanging on my eyes. The weight of my responsibilities pulling them even lower. And now, James was painting it in a darker shade as he, once again, occupied my headspace.

My mind was muddled and my heart was in complete disarray. I didn't know what exactly I should think or feel about his confession and him wanting to pursue me. He was completely out of my league. He wasn't someone I would think of if I happened to list a bunch of guys who might like me. He literally wasn't! Sharing the same classroom with him for approximately ten hours every school day for the last nine months gave me enough confidence with that opinion.

I just didn't view him as someone who would waste his time on an overly sensitive and pessimistic person who was very much insecure but too proud to admit it. I also thought that I was no near to being comparable with his...standards but...he didn't need to know that. That would remain just in my head.

I snorted with my absurdity. My poor self-esteem and my astounding pride at their very best! And there was the past who was an avid supporter! I definitely was the greatest person in the world! Woo.

I laughed helplessly as my eyes suddenly glistened with pathetic tears.

This was exactly what I meant when I said I wanted to fix my issues first. Because...just how in the world could I open up to someone when I knew I would always feel insecure and unworthy of his attention? How could I when I knew it wouldn't work because I was basically too proud and too paranoid to share my feelings? How could I when I had chains pulling me back? Just...how?

"Oh goodness!" I uttered as tears started to spill from my eyes. I looked towards the ceiling to stop them from spilling.

"Fuck", I uttered, laughing helplesly again, "Fuck, oh fucking goodness! Like what the actual fuck? Why are you so fucking dramatic Tati? Like what the fuck?!" I jabbered.

When I couldn't hold my tears any longer, I dropped on the floor and cried furiously while repeating, "What the fuck?!"

"You're pathetic", my subconscious said which made me burst out laughing in-between my sobs.

"I am pathetic", I agreed with that fucking voice in my head as I let myself wallow in my mess.