Chapter 26 - Keep moving

"You're spacing out".

I looked at Min Joon who was staring at a far away object. 

"Ah, sorry", He said rubbing his head, "I don't know what's gotten into me the past few days. I keep spacing out at random times. It's worse during lectures".

It was after lectures and I had to wait for my dad till his meeting finishes. We were sitting outside at a cement table. The sunlight was pretty dull but whenever it peeked out of the clouds it would fall into his eyes making him squint. His two toned eyes were difficult to focus on. They kept pulling my mind in two different directions. He had been looking pretty miserable since the day we talked to Taeyang, so I pulled him out for a talk. 

"Do you not want to forgive him or do you just not like him?" I asked suddenly. 

Min Joon paused. 

"I don't like him", He said, "I was so stupid the last time ... .letting you go".

"What?"

"Ugh Mae seriously!" He yelled frustrated. 

"Whoa chill", I said, putting out my hands in defence. He did look like he wanted to throw a tantrum so I expected him to do one. 

"What are you trying to tell me?" I asked, "Just calm down and spit it out".

"Mae, are you pretending not to know?" He asked, "After they way I reacted to yours and Taeyang's little meeting….. Do you still refuse to admit it?"

I was bewildered. I didn't understand what he wanted to tell me and I also didn't like the direction this conversation was heading on to. 

"Min Joon", I said. "I swear I don't know what you're talking about".

"OK" He said, "Then I'll tell you this right now. Because I don't want that jerk to tell you this before I do. So let me spell it out for you".

"Min Jo-"

"I like you Mae".

I stopped blinking. 

"I liked you as Jae-Sung '', He said looking straight at me, "And I like you now. I was such a fool to let go of you just because of Taehyun. But right now, no one's forcing you to marry anyone. Right now, you can make your own decision. Your marriage was arranged by your dad and you didn't have a choice. So Mae, I've fallen in love with you again. I really like you and I don't want to lose that chance of being with you in this lifetime. You… used to like me when I was Jae-Sung right? So…. can I assume that you like me now as well?"

This was way too sudden. I knew one way or the other I would hear a confession from both of them ...It's just that , I didn't expect one this fast. I felt like my mouth was glued and a block of cement was stuffed down my throat. 

"I ... .don't know", I said finally. 

He sighed, "It's because of Taeyang right? You would've accepted my confession if you didn't meet him….."

"Min Joon, don't blame everything on him alright?" I said, "This is too sudden and what if-what if Taeyang confesses too".

"That's why I told you before he would", Min Joon said taking my hands, "So that we can finally be together Mae. Isn't that what you wanted?"

That was certainly what I wanted in my past life. But right now…..I wasn't so certain about my feelings…..

"Min Joon, I-that is what I wanted in my past life", I said, squeezing his hands back, "But, now I don't know what to think anymore. I feel so confused and uncertain".

The light in his eyes seemed to have disappeared. 

"Okay" He said quietly, "Then I'll wait".

He got up from his seat. 

"I'll wait for your answer", Min Joon said, "I can't force you and I won't so I'll wait for you".

"You will?" I asked. 

"Mae…I died for you" He said. "What makes you think that waiting for a few days or months is a big deal?"

I didn't know what to say so I just nodded and watched him leave. 

And here I thought my problems were over. Looks like this was just the beginning. I already got Min Joon's confession and my gut feeling told me that Taeyang's confession wasn't that far either. The past just keeps revolving around me over and over again in the same sequence. First I'd fallen for Min Joon and then I'd fallen for Taeyang. Just like how it was with Jae-Sung and Taehyun. Except this time… nobody was forcing me. This time, I could make my own choice. But the funny thing is that….I can't seem to want to pick either of them. Both of them had irresistible charms. Both of them had a great sense of fashion. Both like me and I like both. 

I had been sitting there for ages before my dad came to take me home. 

"Dad?" I ventured as he was driving.

"Hm?"

"If two people liked you…like in the romantic sense", I said, "And if both were good looking and rich. Which one would you pick?"

He hit the brakes as we approached a traffic jam. 

"Well", He pondered for a while, "I'd pick the most sensible and responsible one. Someone who's good at handling people and responsibilities. The one who could work under pressure without messing up".

"That's a lot!" I said.

"It is", Dad agreed, "I'm picky that way. And if you're talking about a guy… I think it's best if he has the capacity to take control in certain situations. Someone who could command others, not you".

"Ah", I said. 

Everything he said matched both Taeyang's profile and Min Joon's. Min Joon is literally the most irresponsible and not sensible person I know. And for once I know that people listened to him because he was good looking. Especially girls. They liked listening to him and being under his control because they liked him. So he did have control in a different way. But he didn't have that mafia boss vibe on him unlike Taeyang. Taeyang literally radiated power and control. If he wasn't from an upper class with proper manners, I could tell that he would've ended up as a mafia boss. Because that's what suits him. Responsibility, control and sense. 

Looks wise both of them had great figures and faces, no doubt. If not for me Min Joon would've had a ton of girlfriends. Taeyang was the ice prince type. He's the sort of person to attract attention from a distance. Hard to approach. Ever noticed those guys in k dramas or mangas? The cool guy who every girl crushes on but can't even get a metre close to him because he hates being approached. Min Joon is very outgoing and friendly. Although he's rude when it comes to guys, he is easy to get along with after some time. He selects friends from high classes just like himself and only has a selected clique. He doesn't like strangers but when it comes to group projects and helping people, he does his best to appear friendly. In other words he's more approachable. 

"Anyone at campus caught your fancy?" Dad asked after a while. 

I blushed, "Wha-nonono. I was just asking you know ... .just wondering".

"Oh alright alright", Dad grinned, 'I won't pry…as long as you do your campus work properly".

"I told you there's nothing!" I said huffily, "And yes, campus work is more important than anyone".

"Mae?" Dad asked, "Just for clarification… you generally like boys, yes?"

"Yeah…..?"

"Ah fine then", He said, "In case it's the opposite…I just want you to know that I won't judge alright? Love is love after all. Why assign genders?"

There's my dad. Always thinking on the bright side. Even though he says this I know that he isn't the type to accept modern concepts that fast. He probably thinks I'm shying out because he thinks my sexuality's different. 

"Dad, I love guys", I said determinedly, "I always have. I like girls as friends and there's nothing more. I'm not hiding anything from you at all. In fact….I can tell you certain guys I like, if you still feel like I'm lying?"

"Oh?" Dad grinned, "Do tell me. You never tell me these things Mae. I may not be a mom but I am still interested".

I laughed, "Okay here goes. You can't laugh"

"No no".

"Taehyung from BTS, Hyunjin from Stray Kids, Sunghoon from Enhypen", I counted, "Gong Jun, he's a Chinese actor from Word Of Honour. Kim Hyun-Joong from Boys Over Flowers, though he's pretty older than me. Max Torina from Upside Down Magic. Phakphum Romsaithong, he's a Thai actor from KinnPorsche. I think I used to like Charlie Puth…but now I'm not quite sure what to feel about him. Satoru Gojo from Jujutsu Kaisen. Hua Cheng from Heaven Official's blessing. Gaku Yaotome from Idolish7. Sebastian from Black Butler. Gareki and Dr. Akari from Karneval. Ken Kaneki from Tokyo Ghoul. Keith Kogane from Voltron, Nico Di Angelo from Percy Jackson, Rafal from School for Good and Evil, Newt from Maze Runner and um ...I don't remember anymore. Oh! And Ben 10 when he was wearing the green and black t-shirt".

"That's it?" Dad asked, amused. 

"Yup!"

I turned as I heard a beep. 

Dad put down his phone chuckling. 

"Wait", I said, "You recorded that?! Why did you record that?! I even spaced out and told so many names without even thinking. Delete that!"

"Never!" Dad said, "I'm going to check who those people are and determine what my future son-in-law would like".

"Oh no…" I hid my face in my hands in shame, "Why did I even say those names…."

Dad laughed, "And here I thought you were a crush-free pure soul".

"Dad! Stop rubbing it in!"

He kept laughing till I lunged at him. 

I'm pretty sure uncle Wen knew all those people and both of us liked to watch shows together…so…He's a really big fan of anime. I'm not sure if he liked watching k dramas but whenever I'm watching he'd tag along too. 

"Mae", Dad said in the parking car, "Let's make wontons together for dinner alright?"

I looked up, "Oh yeah, sure".

I wondered why he suddenly wanted to make food with me. 

"Um, is something the matter?" I asked, "Uncle Wen's the one who'd make us dinner every time".

Dad sighed, "About that Mae".

"Today's actually the tenth memorial of Tao Kai".

Tao Kai…. I remember the name. 

"Is he uncle Wen's…..?"

"Yeah…used to be", Dad said, "They were so close to getting married and suddenly...".

"Oh", I said quietly. Uncle would always get depressed whenever I asked him about his dead partner. It's such a touchy subject for him, even after so many years. 

"So, let's give him his space today", Dad said and unlocked the car doors. "I don't think he's in the mood to do anything. Don't get him all worked up, afterall he'd been helping us all these days".

I don't remember what Kai looked like because I was too young when uncle Wen lost him. And he'd always be in China for his partner's death memorial. 

I guess everyone loses someone they love at some point of their life. Dad lost mom and so did I. Even though she's still living, she's no longer a part of our lives. But if there's something I've learnt from my past life and the present is to keep moving forward. One step at a time. Because just like my doctor told me…..

Meomchuji malgo gyesok haenagagiman handamyeon neujeodo sanggwaneopda. 

It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.