The 3rd Stage - Acceptance

I cried a lot, the first night back home

I questioned my decisions, I got to the point where I was so desperate, I never gave back my spare keys of my old apartment. Thinking I could get through it, but after months of trying to have a job, I failed. And went back to the drawing board.

I will learn a new skill, maybe designing digitally, and getting a freelance job, it pays less than $10 an hour or depending on how the negotiation goes or skill level, I can safely have something.

My Dad always said to me when I am sad, "Give up Control, learn to love the Rain", the Italian way of saying, The more I let go, the more I will enjoy my life, and handed me an umbrella. Like what the fuck am I going to do with an umbrella?, He said you'll never know when life will drench and give you a shower instead, and he chuckled his belly button showing.

In my background, my family being small, we always shared a lot of things about each other.

My Mum one time caught me naked in the bath, You better be good or Father Christmas would not visit you next Winter. But I was only washing myself Mother!, she thought I was masturbating. Holding the shower head to my privates, she called them my " Fanny, or Gob Gee, for mouth, my soft mouth like genitals.

My Mum, she is the most appreciative of me, she always cooked my favorite meals. When I was a little girl, she made a tower of cream puffs for my 10th birthday. She told me to reach the one up top, and lifted me on the table to get it. As if telling me, in life, sometimes when you are down, the only way to bring yourself up, is by asking for help, and reach the top with my love ones.

I love her to bits. Both of them.

I won't be alive and breathing without them.

As I looked at my closed bank accounts, my empty, wallet, and broken manolo blahniks, my last attempt to look for a job went bust.

I went home and find them both cooking gnocchi, a pasta made of semolina or wheat flour, eaten as a comfort food from both my heritage and possibly my only saving grace.