Chapter Four/Part Two

Lines of Love; Chapter 4/ Pt2

Astra/

That night I felt at peace like I had my thoughts under control, I felt like I was fully in control of myself. Laying there like that I could sleep yet I decided to use my newfound freedom to think. I hit my brother for the second time but if I had to be honest, it was because of Gina. I should have talked to him but there's a part of me that lives inside of me, fueled by the anger I have. It's like I have no control and yet all the control, words I don't wish to convey rise to the surface. I never led on that it bothered me because I was able to convince that part of me, a mistake she didn't mean for is fine. But is it okay can we just lay down a new carpet and cover it up, fill our lives up till we forget. Perhaps if my mind wasn't so free I wouldn't have to think of such things. Perhaps I wouldn't be laying here remembering every time I blamed myself, hating that piece of me.

I'm good at drawing lines and yet I can't find the line this time, at what point was that truly okay. Was it okay because I'm afraid of returning to that lonely place, she once saved me from. It's not healthy to doubt the person you love but what caused her to doubt me, that's what this was right. If only I could see the line for love perhaps I would understand this more. Perhaps we are just lonely people comforting each other, hoping the other won't leave. No matter how much freedom my thoughts have it seems my thoughts are more dangerous like this. Finally, I let sleep claim me only to wake up some hours later, that heat was back again. But more than that I heard a noise downstairs so I went to investigate, the sound of water running was strange.

When I found the source of the sound I peeked inside the shower room, everything was blurry at first but then I saw it. Joy was showering and I could see everything as my eyes followed her hands while they traveled her body. She saw my staring yet she didn't stop I could hear her beckoning me, calling me by name I felt compelled. So I approached her I couldn't understand what was happening but I was entranced by what I saw before me. Before my hands could touch her I heard my name called again and just like that I was pulled back into reality. A dream like that shouldn't be happening.

" Hey, I'm here everything okay... You are covered in sweat like you were having a nightmare."

A nightmare isn't what I would call it but I can't help wonder why I had it in the first place. After I got a shower I noticed Joy brought some breakfast for us. I was still lingering on that dream trying to understand what was happening. But I also needed to know why I couldn't remember those parts of her as clearly as the rest. Joy thought we could do some stretches and some light jogging inside which I needed for a distraction right now. Unfortunately, not long after we started my legs begged me to stop, a bitter reminder I can't run like before. Pain medication a hollow comfort, but one I needed for times like this, I could see Joy's worry. What else could I do but smile and assure her I'm fine even though everything is chaotic inside.

We decided to work out without using the legs as much which meant punching bags and such, something I could manage without worry. As if it was normal we took off the tops we had so the heat didn't overtake us again. I was thankful for this moment because I never had so much control over my thoughts or my body like I do now. We rotated around from the speed bag and then the punching bag ending with some weight lifting. Even though I still never talked to her about why I came in the first place, it's like I didn't need to now. What I needed most was here and I didn't feel the weight of my thoughts anymore. My adrenaline felt normal for once, I didn't feel the anger threatening me. I was starting to feel at peace with everything slowly. We ended our workout by one which meant food was soon to be needed, but I had forgotten I had no clothes to change into.

I didn't wanna head home for clothes when I feel so close to understanding something about myself. But Joy once more to the rescue had brought me clothes to wear till I headed home, apparently, she keeps clothing here just in case. When Joy left after showering and changing to get me some dinner for tonight I decided to get my shower. For some reason I became more aware of Joy's scent when I used the shampoo and soap here, it was strangely intoxicating. Luckily these showers had a bench for me to sit on giving my legs a break from holding me up so much. That's when that dream came back to me like I was trying to understand where it took place and why. Then I tried to put Gina's face instead but to no avail, I couldn't understand why it was Joy. I and Gina have had sexual interactions before but life often made it hard to find time, we both often ended up in bed together asleep. This is the first time I felt a strange frustration more so than its Joy in my fantasies over Gina, perhaps it was just a misunderstanding.

After I got dressed I headed upstairs to lay down waiting for Joy to come back with food. The possibility of me just being sexually frustrated, started to become a constant thought for me, is that what's wrong. Gina came close to sleeping with my brother so is that our problem or is that just an excuse. I don't think I can grow used to having my head so clear to think about things. I decided to test my theory since Joy was gonna be gone for a long time, I wanted to test this strange idea out.

I tried to start with an image of Gina letting my hands find their path across my body. It was slow and unsteady like they didn't know what they wanted to do first, it was frustrating at first. But I pushed on concentrating harder on the image in my head and just when I felt frustration rising I inhaled a familiar scent. The clothing I wore, the shampoo, and the soap I used, it was bringing me back to Joy. I tried to correct the thought but my hands became a guide to my body which once was foreign to the frustration was growing and yet I was enjoying the attention from my hands. Just as my fingers found an entrance where I was the neediest Joy had walked in and I was busted before I even started. But it was strange she just walked over to me and I soon found her hands moving across my body replacing my own hands. It started to feel familiar but it was hard to focus and concentrate I was losing myself to the reality of what was happening. She never removed my clothing but my skin became more and more exposed to her as she explored my body. A familiar heat rising within as I felt sounds rising inside my throat but I held back the sound.

Just as her fingers were reaching the location I wanted her the most a loud bang had stirred me awake. I was breathing hard and once more I was claimed by a fantasy I couldn't tell the difference of it felt so real and yet it wasn't. Why was it hard to picture Gina and yet easy to picture Joy, does my mind just remember her so more vividly. Is it the proximity we have with one another or is something wrong with me. I remember Joy gave me a leg massage earlier I'm sure that's what caused this to feel so realistic, yet I feel so frustrated at myself now more than ever. I didn't have time to dwell on this I had to see what that sound was downstairs.