Chapter Four/Part Four

Lines of Love; Chapter 4/ Pt 4

Astra/

That night was different laying in this bed I didn't feel that same sexual frustration. I was distracted by the kiss I received not long ago, it brought clarity to her words. Gina was the only person I kissed but for some reason, I felt connected to Joy in those brief moments. I wanted them to last just a little longer but who am I to be greedy like that. I decide to send a text to Gina at first I struggled to find words, so I asked about her mom. It was late so I wasn't expecting a response tonight but I should have done this sooner not wait so long. But in my defense, I needed a lot of clarity before I spoke to her again. To my surprise, she sends me a text.

" She's doing a little better but they had to run some tests."

" How's our little one doing.?"

" She's good, loves it out here on the farm."

" How are we doing.?"

" For once I don't know, Astra... But I need to because it's killing me not knowing."

" Yeah I know I'm sorry Gina, you do deserve better than this. Better than me"

" Relationships are never gonna be easy, sometimes that's what makes them worth it... Something on your mind I can help with?"

" I been spending my days and nights in a gym, I came to talk to Joy but ended up venting myself... I feel free and yet everything I have buried has become unburied. My head is no longer chaotic just calm... So I had time to confront my thoughts, something I still wish was buried. "

"Oh, Joy... Umm what can I help with, what did you bury that I didn't notice... "

" My feelings when something painful occurred... I buried them with a smile, Gina. And now that I have to confront them all, it's hard... I wish I was a better person because right now I feel all the anger I have towards so many things I buried and it sucks."

" Like what... Astra, please I wanna know."

" Cait my best friend who has been by my side tormented me the most. If it didn't go back to our high school years I don't think it would have been so bad. But the worst part was knowing she knew and said nothing, she stayed by my side for so long and never once spoke. I guess I'm at fault I could have spoken up but I was afraid of being alone... But to me, this anger feels justified even if I'm also responsible. It hurts, Gina..."

I didn't know if she was gonna respond but I gave it a little time. When she didn't respond I guess she knew that more was being held in, so she waited. Ever patient with me Gina.

"I'm angry how I smiled away you kissing someone, I shouldn't have done that it wasn't fair. Even though I know we should have talked more about it, discussed it anything... But I just smiled it away because I'm afraid, Gina... My greatest fear is to be alone and I don't like it at all. I love you but I'm confused as well. Do we love or are we just lonely people, a thought I couldn't stop from entering my head... Gina, what did it feel like to kiss my brother, what did you feel.?"

" Why would you ask me that... I don't wanna think about it."

"Please, Gina.."

I was met only by silence and I let myself calm, I said what I needed to. All I can do is wait because I know what this question means to me. But a response never came and I found myself captured by sleep after waiting so long. When I awoke without another fantasy I was relieved to a degree, free of things that I didn't understand fully. I decided to check my phone but she never answered me I don't understand, was such a simple question difficult for her to answer. I refused to dwell on it today my plans would take me home finally, I had enough answers to be okay. As I was getting dressed Joy had arrived once more with breakfast, I truly appreciate who she's become. Once we sat down to eat I expected the usual but she was worried about it.

" You okay with what happened... I just thought it would help you understand my question more. But honestly, I was also being selfish, stealing a kiss like a child I guess."

" I didn't mind since it helped me understand things so it's fine... But what did you feel.?"

" Loss of time, a sense of feeling complete, warm, happy, ... It's not easy for me because I have wanted this for a long time, but you returned the kiss so, It was perfect like a dream... I guess I took a blind leap. Sorry"

" I'll admit I was surprised but in those moments I felt so much it was strange, but I felt above all else connected to you. And that made me happy but for me, a lot of things hit me at once you know."

I laid her fears to rest and Joy was once happier, she worries over things so easily. But I understand since she's often judged by her actions and decisions heavier than anyone else. After breakfast, we decide to have a spar inside the ring since punching bags and speed bags would take too much effort. Even now she's searching me for ways she can help, you are a better person than you think Joy. We danced in the ring without tops and wearing shorts just to keep the heat away longer. I felt my adrenaline rising and I felt so good, venting my anger in such a way was perfect. But my eyes lingered on her lips a little too long and by the end of the match, I was walking towards her, fueled by heat and desire. For some reason, I wanted to feel her lips once more, like I lost my ability to rationalize properly.

But when I got close enough a sound startled us in unison and I was now staring at, Cait. She had many chances to show up but now was when she does, her timing has always been horrible. But she stopped me from making a mistake at least and hurting Joy with my selfishness. We called it there so I could go wash up and get changed before dealing with Cait, I'm sure she has a lot of questions. Joy took it as a sign to leave early which I don't blame her since Cait can be ruthless at times. When I stepped out of the locker room Cait was waiting for me with a worried expression, I can only imagine what will be said.

"So I missed a lot I guess... Everything okay or should I just asked what I missed.?"

" I have been sorting myself out lately and otherwise nothing happened of importance"

" And that almost Kiss with Joy?... Seriously not considered important, what about Gina or Cassie?"

" Gina already crossed that line so I doubt it matters, at least until she answers me. But Cassie won't be hurt nothing happened between us so it's fine... Since when did you start caring Cait.?"

"That's not fair, Ash... I have always cared, what happened while I was gone, talk to me."

" Joy helped me clear my head and vent my anger here, now I'm dealing with things I smiled at and buried... ."

" Like what.?"

" Like the best friend who saw me suffering at her side for years but never considered me... My family can't help but throw me away or pretend I don't exist, a girlfriend who kisses my brother but can't even answer a simple question. Or how about the fact that I hate and love where I work now because I can't do what they do... I can't smile everything away this time Cait... My heads so quiet now."

Lashing out at her not because I'm angry, no my anger has been vented. I'm hurt by it all and the more I address it the more sadness I feel, but why couldn't they see it. Am I so difficult to understand or know after years by someone's side, if that's the case then how come Joy could.

" Uh... Yeah, I deserved that, I let you down Ash and I'm so sorry... But."

She was hurt by the words I said yet something she lingered on, what could you have to say Cait. Don't leave me waiting any longer.