(110) Easily lost

The teacher led me out of the room.

"Do you know the way, Nodoka-san?" he asked me.

"I think so," I said.

I had been there before. All I had to do was follow the signs and my memory… My memory turned out to be a blur and so we ended up in some very strange places, going deeper and deeper into the big hospital's maze of corridors. The signs I looked for were not there. There were other ones in their place of a different colour. Had the signs been removed? Had the offices moved? Was there no such department like I remembered?

We sat in a chair, while sipping cold water Suzuki Sensei had obtained from a water dispenser nearby.

"Nodoka-san, are you lost?"

"Lost? Yes… I guess I am," I said in a forlorn tone. "Nothing looks like how I remember it. The sign colours are all different."

"You could read the signs," Suzuki Sensei pointed out.

"Yes, but reading makes my head hurt these days," I said tiredly. "I was hoping I wouldn't have to."

"Look there. What does that sign say?" Suzuki Sensei pointed at the sign down the end of the corridor.

Reading was easy. Anybody could read. It just took me a lot longer than I used to to form the strange symbols into something recognisable as a word and those words into words that weren't just words but words with a meaning. The last time things had been so difficult, I had just started learning to read. Not to mention that the sign I was reading was not in my first language and due to my ability, I was actually seeing two written languages at the same time, superimposed on top of each other, forcing me to separate them and work them out on their own.

"Nodoka-san?"

I rubbed my head.

"Radiography," I slowly read out loud, not knowing what language I was reading in. My brain was tired and felt mushy. I wanted to lie down and go back to sleep. It felt like it had been a very long day.

Radiography. What was that again?

Turning around, I saw signs saying X-ray, MRI, CT, ultrasound and so on.

Oh. Radiography.

"What are we doing here?" I asked in confusion.

"You led us here," Suzuki Sensei said with amusement.

"I led us here," I repeated under my breath, poking my own cheek, remembering how I had been following these navy blue signs. It was obviously the wrong colour.

"Excuse me, are you waiting for something? Do you have an appointment?" a technician asked, opening a door and finding us sitting in the corridor. She looked confused.

"We were looking for the therapy department," Suzuki Sensei smiled, "and got lost."

"Oh. That happens all the time," the technician nodded with a bright smile. "A lot of people end up here instead of there. I don't know why. The therapy signs are purple."

The technician gave a lot of instructions but I was lost after the first few.

"First, turn around and go back down this corridor until you see the stairs on your right. Go up the stairs and you'll see a sign board. Follow the signs to the therapy department from there. Otherwise, turn left into the corridor after the stairs, take the third right, the left where it says…."

I couldn't remember all that.

"Got it," Suzuki Sensei nodded and thanked the technician while I just bowed in a daze. "Did you get it?" he asked me.

I shook my head.

"I can't remember all that," I said.

"How did you survive as a field agent in the past then?" Suzuki Sensei asked me with amusement.

"I struggled," I rubbed my face, "a lot. My mentor helped me a lot. It was only when I partnered with Shigure that I improved enough to be a proper agent but it's all so long ago now. So many things happened and I think I've lost everything I learnt then. I've lost so much," I said in a glum tone. "Can you lead the way this time, please?"

I was ready to fall asleep on my sore feet by the time we found the car. After putting on my seat belt, I leaned back and closed my eyes. The next thing I knew, Suzuki Sensei was shaking me gently to wake up.

Somehow I ended up in my bed where somebody tucked me in and brushed a hand over my head.

It was with a groan that I woke up to find Fuki jumping on my bed.

"Wake up! Wake up! It's morning time! The sun is shining on your butt! We have to get ready for school! Big Sis, wake up!"

I groaned and Fuki flopped on me to give me a big hug and a few kisses.

"Are you awake yet? What's wrong, Big Sis? Why do you feel like you're stuck in syrup. Do you feel sick? I'll go call the teacher? Big Sister?"

Turning over with a groan, I covered my head with my pillow only for Fuki to snatch it away. She lay her cheek against mine and closed her eyes to try and tune in to my emotions better and figure out what was wrong with me. I sloppily shielded my emotions from her. She jerked away.

"You have a headache," she announced and then jumped off my bed shouting as she ran out the room. "Sensei, Sensei, Big Sister is sick! Quick! Come and see her!"

Groaning, I held my head and closed my eyes again. My thoughts were slow and sluggish. I did not want to get up or go to a class where my poor memory and academics were laid bare. Although I supposed I should learn all those things again, I really didn't want to have to deal with them right now.

For a moment, I missed home - my country, the City Agent office, all the familiar things there - with an intense and hollow aching. Strong enough that it made me bend over and need to grit my teeth. My shield slipped for a second but it was enough for Fuki, who had been outside my room to feel it. I heard a thud and a piercing scream. In the next moment, Fuki had thrown herself into my arms again, beside herself with worry for me.

"Big Sister, Big Sister," Fuki called, climbing up and down, wriggling here and there, circling around and putting both palms on my cheeks to force me to look at her. "Big Sister, look at me."

Teachers and agents came running after someone must have reported the source of the scream. Fuki's agitation rising was making the lights flicker.

I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes, forcing a smile at Fuki.

"Big Sister is alright, Fuki," I said. "Don't be scared. I'm alright. I just suddenly missed home. I wasn't well yesterday and went to hospital, remember? It's just more of the same. It's nothing big. Big Sister is just having a hard time trying to get better. Calm down. You shield your emotions too. Close your eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out. Come on. Breathe with me."

Under the concerned eyes of many people, I calmed Fuki down and did breathing exercises with her. Fuki rested her forehead against mine while I imagined up vague emotion like illusions of happy fields of flowers and butterflies for her. There were clouds with patterns in the sky. Playgrounds with all kinds of equipment. I remembered watching other children liked to play on playgrounds while I watched on, feeling lonely.

"Big Sister," Fuki told me, snuggling into my arms more. "You aren't alone anymore. Isn't Fuki here?"

"Ah. Yes. Big Sister has Fuki. Fuki is so clever," I smiled and tickled Fuki. The lights had stopped flickering. I felt drained and tired. I really wanted to go back to sleep but doubted I would be able to. I would have to give a report on what just happened. Likely, I'd receive a scolding too.

Fuki drew in a breath.

"Oh. I made a big fuss. I almost lost control again," she burst into tears. "I'm sorry, Big Sister. I'm sorry!"

"It's ok," I told her. "Everyone makes mistakes, but we have to be careful not to do it again. Me too. We have to be strong and shield our emotions. Keep them in. We only let it out in a safe place."

"Where is a safe place?" Fuki asked. "When?"

"When we are practising to use our abilities and practising what we learnt. We guide and shape our abilities and let the emotions go with them bit by bit until they're all gone," I reminded Fuki, repeating a lesson Shigure had taught to both of us. "We can go running, swimming, practice self-defence, painting, making things. Remember?"

"Oh yeah," Fuki said and nodded.

"Have you calmed down now?" I asked Fuki.

"Yes," Fuki nodded and took a deep breath that made her little tummy puff out. "I'm ready to be scolded now."

That made me give a little laugh.

"Then you go with the Sensei to give your report and apologies. I'll get up and do the same here," I kissed her cheek and Fuki kissed mine.

"Alright," Fuki slid off my bed and looked up at the discipline teacher who was frowning at us.

He held out his hand to her and she took it with a drooping head, following him out. Most of the other teachers and agents who had rushed in followed them out. That left only one other teacher in the room. Suzuki Sensei.

"Get up and get ready for the day," Suzuki Sensei told me. "Do you need to go to the hospital again?"

I shook my head.

"You won't be rejoining the classes for the young ones again. You'll be with me," Suzuki Sensei gave me a small smile. "We'll be going out. Outside her range, hopefully," he looked back at the bedroom door in the direction Fuki was leaving. "And then we need to talk. I'll go back and finish getting ready too. I'll be waiting for you outside."

"Yes, Suzuki Sensei," I said, looking down at my hands. I heard him leave and the door close. Rubbing my face, I carefully strengthened my mental shield to contain all my thoughts and emotions so that they wouldn't leak. I couldn't accidentally slip again and cause Fuki to have another accident. Today's incident was my fault. I would be reprimanded and deserved it.

I really needed to work on improving my control of my abilities. Usually Shigure would be the one helping me shape and tune things and I would just leave them at whatever settings he had left them in. But without him around and him being too busy to check in on me most of the time - possibly not daring to check in on me too regularly in case I picked up something I shouldn't, I had to work on doing all the fine tuning myself.

Originally, I ought to have learnt how to do everything myself, but because of the time constraints of the war, there hadn't been enough time for me to learn things. Not enough time for my slow learning ability to learn anyway. And so, Shigure had just stepped in to do whatever and use me whenever. I hadn't minded.

He had taught me a lot of things, but I hadn't had much time to put them into practice. I hadn't had the energy either. Now it had been all so long ago. Now it was time I started putting everything into practice myself and stopped relying on someone else to do it all for me.

Some story book characters never showed any growth. They remained the same throughout the story. The good characters would grow and improve as the story book progresses. Unfortunately, I was neither just a normal story book character, neither was I a good story book character. I was a real live person whose growth seesawed up and down. I improved in some areas and went backwards in others. I forgot things. Forgot the lessons I had learned from my mistake and had nothing like a photographic or eidetic memory. I wasn't super smart. Neither was I super good at anything.

If anything, I was an insecure former City Agent who had forgotten how to be a City Agent, was scarred by war and trauma, had a learning disability and had a rather larger than average number of special abilities that I couldn't control very well. I would barely survive on my own if I had to live independently and had forgotten almost everything I had learned in school and training because it had been so long since I had last studied. I was… a useless person. Again.

It was funny how I had been useful during the war but wasn't anymore.

Rubbing my face with my hands again, I got up and got ready for the day. I didn't take too long. Dragged my toothbrush over my teeth, splashed water on my face and changed into day clothes. Suzuki Sensei was waiting for me and I didn't want to keep him waiting in case he got annoyed. If the infinitely patient man ever got angry or impatient with me, I might just cry.